First of all my husband rarely called his mother before I came into the picture, we are talking about maybe a phone call once a month and a visit once every 18 month. During my entire pregnancy NO ONE in his family called to check on me while he was gone on travel except his stepmother but as soon as my son was born, it was like they were entitled to him.
It may very well be a case of 50/50
in reaction...but I have to call attention to the fact that DH and his M didn't have a "tight" relationship
BEFORE DIL, so how can that possibly be DIL's fault? Why the sudden change of heart from the MIL, and pushing herself into their lives once her son is married and has children? MIL didn't have an interest in them before, what reason does DIL have to trust her now? I mean, it really sounds like this woman is trying to move in now that she has some sweet little babies to get her hands on! Why now? Did she think that grandchildren was her ticket in the door? Grandparenting is a
priviledge, not a right. And she obviously didn't care enough to maintain a relationship with her son or DIL
BEFORE the grandchildren came along...she couldn't even call DIL when she was pregnant. But now she thinks she has a
right to be a grandma? Come on.
BDIL06 - Sheesh, what a "lovely" person you have for a MIL. Her complaints and demands sound SO familiar. I don't even know where to start dear. Boundaries maybe? It sounds like this woman doesn't have a clue what that word means, and sadly there are some women out there who honestly believe there shouldn't be any boundaries between them and their children. They feel "entitled" to them and feel it's their RIGHT to have a controlling presence their entire lives simply because they are mothers. It's really true-to-form that she suddenly wanted a quasi-relationship with her son once he reproduced and she had new babies to play with! JOY! You've got a real piece of work on your hands.
I would suggest you pick up the book "Toxic In-Laws" and read it. Then read it again. Then have DH read it. Then have DH read it again. Then get yourselves to counseling so that you and DH can learn how to set, and clearly communicate, healthy boundaries. Her lack of concern for a relationship with her son until he had children, and now she's jealous that your FOO loves him as their own...my gosh, she should be thankful that someone gave him the love she obviously didn't care to give him before he had children.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. The best advice I can give you is to lower your expectations of her. She sounds very unreasonable and socially inept, and if you expect her to act differently then you'll just be setting yourself up for disappointment and unnecessary drama. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her, and the best way to react is by not giving her the satisfaction of a reaction at all.
Best of luck to you.