Author Topic: What should I do?  (Read 11824 times)

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Offline Barbie

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What should I do?
« on: October 17, 2010, 06:34:16 PM »
DIL has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with us and we've even made a little bit of progress since we started to not pay too much attention to her but with Christmas approaching I was wondering if we should buy her a gift, (she got angry at me for wishing her a happy birthday and I sure don't want to do anything to upset her). In the past we've always spent the same amount of money on her as we do on our other children.

Also in the past whenever we went on vacation to a different country we always bought her something but this past year we only bought things for GD because DIL was acting like she didn't want anything from us.

We haven't dare ask what their plans are for the holidays, God forbid we put any pressure on them, I'm sure our Ds and GD will come at some point but DIL hasn't been to our house since last Christmas, if she doesn't come, should we send her the gift with DS?

Would DS get upset with us if I ask his opinion? after all he knows DIL better than us.

I'd like to hear from DILs and MILs.

Annie123

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2010, 06:50:36 PM »
Hello Guest, I'm still new around here so I don't know your history about your DIL? Or why she don't ever want to be around you again? Has she told you or your DH?
  When it comes to things like your question about a gift, I try to live by one MAIN rule in my life, It might help you? But it is my suggestion anyhow. LOL
 I do what I can live with. By that I mean, Will you feel bad if you don't? Will you feel like you should have? Or in your heart are you DONE with all the anger and fighting to get along? And you really in your own heart do not want to?
  Do what in your heart "You can live with" That is what I try to do anyhow. If doing something even if it's justified and deserved to someone and it make ME feel badly. Then I don't do it. I have to look at myself in the mirror everyday. No one else does. So even if the world tells me " I should" or " I have to" do a certain thing but my heart say's no and I know I shouldn't... Then I don't.
I don't know if this is any help to you at all? Just something I try to do.
Have you and her not gotten along always? Or is this something new? I would think its hard for your and your Sons and GC's relationship with her not wanting to see you? Hope I was a tad helpful? or even if I wasn't hopefully someone else will be. Hugs, Annie

barelythere

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2010, 06:53:15 PM »
DIL has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with us and we've even made a little bit of progress since we started to not pay too much attention to her but with Christmas approaching I was wondering if we should buy her a gift, (she got angry at me for wishing her a happy birthday and I sure don't want to do anything to upset her). In the past we've always spent the same amount of money on her as we do on our other children.

Also in the past whenever we went on vacation to a different country we always bought her something but this past year we only bought things for GD because DIL was acting like she didn't want anything from us.

We haven't dare ask what their plans are for the holidays, God forbid we put any pressure on them, I'm sure our Ds and GD will come at some point but DIL hasn't been to our house since last Christmas, if she doesn't come, should we send her the gift with DS?

Would DS get upset with us if I ask his opinion? after all he knows DIL better than us.

I'd like to hear from DILs and MILs.

Guest,
I  hope some of our good Daughters in law can give you some tips on what to do.  If it were me, I'd probably buy her gifts and tell her through your son that her gift was there and if any time she wanted it, she could have it. 
 :(

Offline luise.volta

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2010, 09:02:32 PM »
No one here knows. All we can do is guess. My guess is that whatever you do, she will find a way to find fault with it until she gets past acting like that. (If she does.) I would just do as I pleased under the circumstances...and let the chips fall where they may. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2010, 11:45:48 PM »
Guest1, you've received great replies. I agree that you must do what you can live with. We just can't be too attached to the outcome.

I couldn't bear not having a gift for DIL under the tree while DS & DD would have something to open, so I went for it even though DS, in his annoyance at DIL for her hateful attitude towards us had said, "Don't spend anything on her, Mom. She doesn't deserve it." It worked out OK for us; she didn't give it back (it was a really nice gift, LOL) but she didn't go overboard thanking us either. Neither did she go overboard giving us gifts, in fact she let us know her negative feelings towards us by the gifts she gave, but it doesn't matter - we'll keep doing what we always do, which is giving all the kids including DIL gifts of equal value. She can do what she likes with hers. I do ask DS his opinion regarding my ideas for her gifts so I don't make any big mistakes. He was glad I went ahead and broke the ice with that first gift after all.

Now, regarding DS/DIL's efforts in gift-giving to us.....LOL, having no expectations and not making comparisons with what DIL's FOO received is probably a good idea  ;)
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
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Offline Nana

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2010, 12:19:05 AM »
I go with Annie....do as you feel....with what you can live with. 
When I was having problems with dil, it was the time that they were going to Baptized my gs (the first gc).  Dil's mother told me that dil didnt have anything nice to wear.  So I went and bought her a nice dress.  It cost me like $100.00.  I was so happy and thought she would be pleased.  She came over to my house and said that it didnt fit her and that the style did not suit her.  I told her that I would give her the ticket and that she could get anything else she wanted.  She said thanks...but no thanks (gulp).  She gave it back.  I know at that time she didnt want anything from me.   About two weeks later I went to Vegas and brought things for my son and gc.  I wouldnt allow her to slap me in the face again with rejection.  I couldnt deal with it anymore, I was so hurt everytime she did that to me.  So I gave my gs his gift, and when he came alone I gave him his t-shirt I have bought for him.  He said thanks mom.  But he didnt take it home lol.  I understand that he didnt want to make his wife feel bad....or didnt wanted me to be in more trouble.   I never did mention it again.  I gave the t-shirt to my husband lol. 

So you see, all of us are different.  No one is right or wrong...just do as your heart desires.

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
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1Glitterati

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2010, 04:32:15 AM »
Guest...and I hate to say this...there isn't likely anything right that you can do for her.

If you buy a gift...you're ignoring her wishes.  If you don't buy her a gift...then you're just horrible for ignoring her birthday.  Sorry...I don't see a win on this one.

What about asking your son what he thinks you should do?  Perhaps it's underhanded of me...but at least if it's wrong your dil can know that that is what her husband advised you to do.

You don't get to tell people to leave you alone and then get angry when they don't recognize your birthday or other occasions like valentines, mother's day, easter, etc.

OOPS....I MISUNDERSTOOD.  I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT A BIRTHDAY.  For Xmas...I'd have a gift for everyone under the tree.  I wouldn't leave anyone out at Xmas.  Then...if she gives it back she looks petulant.
« Last Edit: October 18, 2010, 11:31:25 AM by 1Glitterati »

cremebrulee

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2010, 05:10:52 AM »
OK, here is my input...

why anyone would think they can purchase cloths for another adult woman, is beyond me?  I would never even think about purchasing clothes for my DIL?  And the reason I say that is, this....my maternal mother and foster mother always insisted on purchasing clothes for me as a gift....due to the generation gap, it was never anywhere near the syle I liked...so, I never said anything, but never wore the stuff...it's a waste of money...get a gift certificate...

I don't know if it's an older generation thing or not, but there is no way one woman can buiy clothes for another?  The safest thing to give is a gift certificate, it allows the receiver to purhase what they want...

Guest, do what your heart tells you to do, don't go overboard, but if you were buying clothess for her, perhaps that is what offended her, there is no way you can pick out a dress or outfit for your DIL, unless she is with you...trys it on and it's a good fit. 

Like I suggested, it may be an older generation thing going on, b/c I know a lot of my friends , Older friends, do the same thing, and I try to tell them not to...however, they insist??????  I don't get that?  I really don't? 


Offline Scoop

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #8 on: October 18, 2010, 05:38:51 AM »
What a minefield this is!

Guest, has she specifically told you NOT to buy her anything?  If so, you should respect that.

However, I also think it would be fair for you to give her a gift card to a local mall, or even a V!sa type gift card she can use anywhere.  Just be sure to write her a little note saying "I'm sorry we're not closer, please accept this gift of shopping, in the spirit of fairness.  I just could not exclude you."

And be sure to tell your DS that you don't want to stir the pot, but you don't want to ostracize DIL either.

miss_priss

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #9 on: October 18, 2010, 06:36:12 AM »
Quote
What a minefield this is!

Guest, has she specifically told you NOT to buy her anything?  If so, you should respect that.

However, I also think it would be fair for you to give her a gift card to a local mall, or even a V!sa type gift card she can use anywhere.  Just be sure to write her a little note saying "I'm sorry we're not closer, please accept this gift of shopping, in the spirit of fairness.  I just could not exclude you."

And be sure to tell your DS that you don't want to stir the pot, but you don't want to ostracize DIL either.

Scoop is RIGHT ON here.  I think in this case you really are damned if you do and damned if you don't.  We've briefly discussed gift-giving on this forum before...but with the holidays coming soon maybe it's good we discuss it again.  There's a big difference between genuine loving gift-giving, and giving gifts for appearances' sake.  We all have to be careful not to do the latter.  Gifts should be heart-felt and given humbly as an expression of caring, or not given at all.   

I too, think it's a bad idea to buy clothes for another woman (lol, I don't even buy clothes for men...it's too risky).  There's just too many ways that can be read/misinterpreted.  I've found that spa gift certificates work well for women, or a gift certificate for a mani-pedi.   :) 

barelythere

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #10 on: October 18, 2010, 06:51:27 AM »
OK, here is my input...

why anyone would think they can purchase cloths for another adult woman, is beyond me?  I would never even think about purchasing clothes for my DIL?  And the reason I say that is, this....my maternal mother and foster mother always insisted on purchasing clothes for me as a gift....due to the generation gap, it was never anywhere near the syle I liked...so, I never said anything, but never wore the stuff...it's a waste of money...get a gift certificate...

I don't know if it's an older generation thing or not, but there is no way one woman can buiy clothes for another?  The safest thing to give is a gift certificate, it allows the receiver to purhase what they want...

Guest, do what your heart tells you to do, don't go overboard, but if you were buying clothess for her, perhaps that is what offended her, there is no way you can pick out a dress or outfit for your DIL, unless she is with you...trys it on and it's a good fit. 

Like I suggested, it may be an older generation thing going on, b/c I know a lot of my friends , Older friends, do the same thing, and I try to tell them not to...however, they insist??????  I don't get that?  I really don't?

Guest didn't know not to do this.  Now she does.

Guest, clothes are a no no for your DIL, now we know.   It could be that whatever you bought her was not view well by her. Could have been that she thought you thought she was slutty or then again, an old lady by what you bought, who knows?  Again, it's about how the clothes made her feel.  Scoop and Miss Priss are right about this..a gift card and tell your son you could not leave her out.  ;)

Offline pam1

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2010, 07:20:50 AM »
Everyone has such great advice!  I too agree with ask DS.

I'm pretty jaded with Xmas and the gift expectations so take my advice with a grain of salt ;)  (we *have* to buy close to 40 gifts, this doesn't include for each other and the kids, but for extended family at Xmas....I'm exhausted!)  Anyway, don't be afraid to do something different in lieu of gifts.  If you think your GS will be disappointed, think again.  Kids love gifts but they also love their family and know who is true to them.  Adopt A Family, Make or Bake, donations to a charity that will appreciate it and have a need for it are all good in lieu of gifts....in my mind.  Somehow Xmas has turned into this commercialized holiday where we are all hassled to turn a special day out of the year into an extravanganza of material goods.  Something just doesn't quite add up to me.  People everywhere are super stressed, it is the #1 time of the year for depression to set in.  In short, it's a nightmare anymore.

Also, it seems like these nightmare is visited upon women only.  Where are the men at?  Where are they buying gifts?  Maybe it's just me and my experience, but it seems like the gift ideas and physical shopping for them are done solely by the female members of the family.  Which make in law holidays difficult IMO.  I feel like I was thrown in, told to buy 18 people a present....and we all know the headaches with buying a present in contentious relationships.....all the while DH is sitting back, enjoying his holiday.  OTOH, if I told DH he has to buy the presents, he'd have no problem buying 18 gift cards and calling it a day.   And then I will get the blame for not putting thought into their gifts.  Damned if you, damned if you don't is right.  IMO, the sons/husbands need to take more responsibility.   If your DIL is getting you poor gifts, IMO, it's the sons fault.  He should be doing the heavy lifting....I do the heavy lifting for my family.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

barelythere

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2010, 07:29:03 AM »
OK, here is my input...

why anyone would think they can purchase cloths for another adult woman, is beyond me?  I would never even think about purchasing clothes for my DIL?  And the reason I say that is, this....my maternal mother and foster mother always insisted on purchasing clothes for me as a gift....due to the generation gap, it was never anywhere near the syle I liked...so, I never said anything, but never wore the stuff...it's a waste of money...get a gift certificate...

I don't know if it's an older generation thing or not, but there is no way one woman can buiy clothes for another?  The safest thing to give is a gift certificate, it allows the receiver to purhase what they want...

Guest, do what your heart tells you to do, don't go overboard, but if you were buying clothess for her, perhaps that is what offended her, there is no way you can pick out a dress or outfit for your DIL, unless she is with you...trys it on and it's a good fit. 

Like I suggested, it may be an older generation thing going on, b/c I know a lot of my friends , Older friends, do the same thing, and I try to tell them not to...however, they insist??????  I don't get that?  I really don't?

Guest didn't know not to do this.  Now she does.

Guest, clothes are a no no for your DIL, now we know.   It could be that whatever you bought her was not view well by her. Could have been that she thought you thought she was slutty or then again, an old lady by what you bought, who knows?  Again, it's about how the clothes made her feel.  Scoop and Miss Priss are right about this..a gift card and tell your son you could not leave her out.  ;)

The way I was raised, you got a gift, you thanked that person for the gift and that was that.  If I didn't like it, too bad, I thanked them and acted grateful that they thought of me.  I think we're evolving backwards in some ways. 

Offline pam1

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2010, 07:44:28 AM »
OK, here is my input...

why anyone would think they can purchase cloths for another adult woman, is beyond me?  I would never even think about purchasing clothes for my DIL?  And the reason I say that is, this....my maternal mother and foster mother always insisted on purchasing clothes for me as a gift....due to the generation gap, it was never anywhere near the syle I liked...so, I never said anything, but never wore the stuff...it's a waste of money...get a gift certificate...

I don't know if it's an older generation thing or not, but there is no way one woman can buiy clothes for another?  The safest thing to give is a gift certificate, it allows the receiver to purhase what they want...

Guest, do what your heart tells you to do, don't go overboard, but if you were buying clothess for her, perhaps that is what offended her, there is no way you can pick out a dress or outfit for your DIL, unless she is with you...trys it on and it's a good fit. 

Like I suggested, it may be an older generation thing going on, b/c I know a lot of my friends , Older friends, do the same thing, and I try to tell them not to...however, they insist??????  I don't get that?  I really don't?

Guest didn't know not to do this.  Now she does.

Guest, clothes are a no no for your DIL, now we know.   It could be that whatever you bought her was not view well by her. Could have been that she thought you thought she was slutty or then again, an old lady by what you bought, who knows?  Again, it's about how the clothes made her feel.  Scoop and Miss Priss are right about this..a gift card and tell your son you could not leave her out.  ;)

The way I was raised, you got a gift, you thanked that person for the gift and that was that.  If I didn't like it, too bad, I thanked them and acted grateful that they thought of me.  I think we're evolving backwards in some ways.

I agree with you, for the most part.  But all situations are different.  If you opened a passive aggressive gift (or multiple ones) in front of 20 people, year in and year out....you know, at some point you aren't going to be so happy to do it again.  People have breaking points.  And sometimes you hit it on their first year.  Clothes are a no-no for women.  It's a huge minefield.  And yes, Guest didn't know, I'm aware of that.  But what else was going on then?  Guest might not even be aware and have no control over it...it is her DIL's issue and her issue to solve.  If her way of doing it is just not accepting gifts....then it should be respected.

In my situation the in laws want to repeat their childhood traditions on Xmas Day.  Seriously, the want us over to their house at the crack of dawn to pretend like Santa came.  Grown adults....they want to do this with.  And forget the fact that we have children.  So, we spend the entire day with the PIL's and siblings opening up gifts for HOURS.  My kids are already bored of this and go run off and play....while the adults sit there opening up gifts.  It's exhausting.  No, I'm not grateful to those gifts.  I don't want them.  I don't even want to go near it.  Gifts are not pleasant to me anymore.  They use the amount of time to open up the mountain of gifts as a weapon to dominate holiday time, to me.  That is my perspective.  Now, MIL may truly not think that way, I don't know.  She may feel she is truly giving from her heart to us, but she also doesn't see what she is taking away from me.  Personal time with my family to make memories.
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

erma

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Re: What should I do?
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2010, 08:37:33 AM »
morning ladies. just had to put my input in.  i am so sick and tired of walking on eggshells for these ungrateful, selfish, "its my way or no way", you didn't get me the right gift, your always wrong, no matter what, controlling people!!!!!!!!!!!   REALLY???!!!!!  can you say, "chemical imbalance??"  agreed that sons grow up and "go away". not agreed that we can be disrespected, stepped on, ignored, shamed, giving the "stink eye",  at any giving moment for everything we do. we are "darned if we do, darned if we don't".  we CANT win! some of the stories i read here are absolutely horrific!! some of the MIL/DIL's are just plain horrifying! when my dil treats us in this manner, we back off, when we "back off", she then says were ignoring her and ds, or that were trying to "play games", which sickens me . so, what do we do ladies? some people can NEVER BE PLEASED no matter what we do. wheather its a MIL or a DIL, there can only be one cook in the kitchen so to speak, but i chose not to be rolled over with the rolling pen every time.
with that said, hers an up date:
i had my gc for a day, we went to the zoo, we had such a good day! dropped my gc off at my DIL's, gc did NOT want to leave my arms, just cried and cried, then DIL said (very rudely) "well you give him everything he wants, that's why hes crying".  REALLY??!!!  no, we respect her rules, but off she stomped, with crying gc in tow calling nana nana.............. :'(  not to mention she kept telling him to "shut up cry baby" hes not even 2!!!  i couldn't say a word.
she is JELOUSE, AND INTIMIDATED and wont admit it ever! so, had one good conversation w/dil, then got to spend a day with my gs, but now i guess its back to the drawing board because she got mad he cried when i tried to put him in her arms??!! so sad that some people just cant or wont grow up, or get help. 
and i have to ask, sorry if i missed it, but what is excactly a "passive/aggressive" gift??????? i have never in my life heard of such a thing.