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sadat46

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Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« on: October 12, 2010, 07:47:02 AM »
Hi All,

I really need some support.  I am going to my son's wedding this weekend but DIL doesn't want me there.
How am I suppose to act?  She hates me.  Still says I am not sorry for all that I did and said when the baby was
born.  Yes they are getting married over a year after the baby was born.  (Not judging just explaining)

My son will not talk to me.  He only text messages me.  I did apologize again and told him that I am happy that he
is happy and getting married and that if he would give me a second chance, I would be careful and try my best not to
say or do the wrong things.  I told him that I did not want to lose him forever.  He did say ok, I will see you at the
wedding.

I have some of my family going with me.  I am a little more worried about what my mother is going to say or do
that will cause me more pain.  She is 80 and says what she wants.  I have asked her to please be careful.

I really just do not want to lose my son forever.  I would also love to have a relationship with my DIL and my
grandbaby.

I am waiting until the last minute to buy a dress.  I don't even know what color to buy.  I don't want to clash.  I also
don't even know if they will want me in the pictures.

The invitation was in purple so I am thinking a lighter shade of purple or even something different but another
solid color.  I know not to not red, white or even black.

Also should I look at her or speak to her?  I am so nervous.

Thanks for listening and any advice form MIL or DILs :)

I am trying.

Sadat

barelythere

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2010, 08:14:22 AM »
Hi All,

I really need some support.  I am going to my son's wedding this weekend but DIL doesn't want me there.
How am I suppose to act?  She hates me.  Still says I am not sorry for all that I did and said when the baby was
born.  Yes they are getting married over a year after the baby was born.  (Not judging just explaining)

My son will not talk to me.  He only text messages me.  I did apologize again and told him that I am happy that he
is happy and getting married and that if he would give me a second chance, I would be careful and try my best not to
say or do the wrong things.  I told him that I did not want to lose him forever.  He did say ok, I will see you at the
wedding.

I have some of my family going with me.  I am a little more worried about what my mother is going to say or do
that will cause me more pain.  She is 80 and says what she wants.  I have asked her to please be careful.

I really just do not want to lose my son forever.  I would also love to have a relationship with my DIL and my
grandbaby.

I am waiting until the last minute to buy a dress.  I don't even know what color to buy.  I don't want to clash.  I also
don't even know if they will want me in the pictures.

The invitation was in purple so I am thinking a lighter shade of purple or even something different but another
solid color.  I know not to not red, white or even black.

Also should I look at her or speak to her?  I am so nervous.

Thanks for listening and any advice form MIL or DILs :)

I am trying.

Sadat

Hi Sadat,
I've thought of you so many times...and wondered how you were.  Oh my goodness, what a delima. She doesn't want you there, that's the first thing.  Are you sure??  Reason I'm asking is if she doesn't want you there, you're in for a world of hurt, I fear.  I know that missing your son's wedding would be hard but if you do go, look at her with love and return hate with love and hopefully, you can convince your mother to do that too.  This sounds like she might have a problem being pregnant and maybe you not thinking this is right? I don't know..something has got her goat.  I think a light orchid dress? Avoid all conflicts if you can. Is there anyway you could somehow contact her mother? even thru a 3rd party and ask her what color she's wearing?  You can't wear the same color as her. This might be held against you forever.  I love how you know the old ways:  no red, black or white...that's right. If you go, remember all of us are going with you in spirit.  Remember us...you've heard of "Remember the Alamo?"  "Remember Wise Women!!"

justdontunderstand

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2010, 08:23:44 AM »
This is a very difficult situation for you and I hope for the best. The only advice I could give is to hold your head up. You have apologized and tried to make amends. Those acts take great courage! You belong at your son's wedding. Trust that your instincts are good and you will say and do the "right" things to continue to heal the past problems. Good Luck!

Offline Pen

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2010, 08:47:16 AM »
Don't forget the "mani/pedi/hair/accessory" trick ;) Make sure you are comfortable in your beautiful new dress - no safety pins, tugging, etc. Wear shoes that make you feel fabulous but are also comfortable. Occasionally glance at your "reminder" accessory and think of all the WW who've got your back  :)

Stand tall, smile graciously & let rude comments or attitudes roll off. When you feel it's time to leave, don't leave in a huff - graciously thank the bride's parents or whomever is hosting and give congratulations to your DS & DIL. You can break down and cry in the car if you must, but don't do so at the reception (although a little tear at the ceremony is probably OK.) Take a hanky.

Prepare yourself for possible landmines: DS interacting with his ILs but snubbing you; DIL being rude to you; DILs family wondering who you are and why you're there; your mom saying something; your exclusion from wedding pics; DS refusing a DS/MOTG dance, etc. I'm not saying those things will happen, but it's like flying a plane - always have a safe landing spot picked out. If you know ahead of time how you'll handle possible disasters you can relax and with luck avoid them.

As MsOTG we know it isn't just the bride's day, but she and her FOO may not see it that way. If you're truly hoping for a relationship with DS/DIL/GC, you'll step back and let the bride be the center of attention. Don't expect anything between you & DS to be resolved on this day. Let it go for now. Try to enjoy yourself -you're on a mission to eventually reconnect w/DS and this is just one small step towards that goal.
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline pam1

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2010, 08:49:33 AM »
Ditto Pen!

Also, I would avoid purple if the invite was sent in purple.  Could be the bridesmaids color.  I'd go for blue or green.  Deep green is beautiful this time of year!
People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

cremebrulee

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2010, 09:01:05 AM »
Hi Sadat, so good to see you....
I agree with all the suggestions the ladies have offered you, adding, have a great time, have fun, let loose and be yourself....

hugs
Creme

Offline Scoop

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2010, 10:04:09 AM »
SADAT - you're going to have to fake it like you've never faked it before.  Because the wedding *IS* the bride's day and if she perceives any kind of slight, you will pay.  I know it's not fair, but that's how it is.

So, get yourself a nice dress, but I would stay away from any shade of purple, for fear of matching the bridesmaids.  The adage is to wear beige, but I think navy would be okay too.  I agree that you should pick something comfortable and flattering.  And you'd better get cracking because you might need alterations and those take time.

On the day of the wedding, act like a happy guest.  Inform the usher that you're the mother of the groom, but sit where he puts you.  BEAM at your DS when he comes in and give him the thumbs up.  Smile at the bride as she come down the aisle.  After the ceremony, wait your turn and congratulate them and tell the bride she's beautiful and that the ceremony was lovely.

Ask your DS privately if you're invited for the pictures.  Don't expect the Bride to think of asking for a picture of you and them.  She's likely to be focused on HER family.   The photographer will likely have a list of poses and will say "Can we get the parents now?" and that's your cue to paste a GOOD smile on your face and say cheese.

At the reception, sit at your designated place without a fuss.  If anyone else tries to 'goad' you into vocalizing any perceived slight, turn it around!  "Oh no, I'm GLAD to be sitting in a dark corner!  I hate being NEAR the spotlight - and really, shame on you for saying anything, this is Bride and Groom's special day, I'm just so happy for them!"

Try and have fun.  Eat, drink, dance - all with a smile on your face.  Mingle with her family.  You can even mention *it* - "I know we got off on the wrong foot, but I'm really trying to make it up to Bride."

Bring a gift, and a card.  Write something nice in it about hopes for a wonderful future.

If you're asked to make a toast - here's a good one for you "May all of your tomorrows be even happier than today."

Tell the grandmother that if she does ANYTHING to make the bride and groom angry with YOU, that you will cut her off and good luck getting a ride home.  This one is crucial.  Because if the Bride and Groom hear about Gma saying something, they might think that she's a mouthpiece for YOU and that the ideas that come out of her mouth have been put there by you.

If you're sincere in wanting a relationship with them, then you're going to have to suck this one up - big time.  This is a big day for Bride and she will remember anything that mars it, FOREVER.

Good luck - I hope you can pull it off.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2010, 11:02:29 AM »
Remember that you define who you are, they don't...and have a good time! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Nana

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2010, 01:31:10 AM »
Luise....as always precise and concise.  Love it.

Be yourself.......  the best you.

Good luck!
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

ivetriedforyears

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2010, 11:12:40 AM »
Hi I am a daughter-in law.  Sorry I am reaching you after the big day.   I think the dress color sounded perfect.  Sounds like there must have been an altercation of some kind after the baby was born??  i am certain it was exponentially explosive due to her hormone imbalance after giving birth.   in addition to an additional apology (see below), i recommend giving the two of them (in addition to a lovely gift to enjoy) a wrapped copy of the MIL Manual by Susan Abel Lieberman.  read it before you give it to them.  This will be a great resource for you (and also affirming) but the main reason for you to give it is to let them know that a) you are really trying and b) you get your role c) you respect their union.  read the book and go to the website motherinlawmanual.com or something like that.  there is a a video about the book with the author who is a MIL...very gentle and supportive.  There is a section in the book about when things go wrong.

My MIL (and husband's whole family) have resented my being the first woman in my husband's life for 20 years.  Nothing has ever erupted on my end because I am too together a person stoop to their level.  Conversely, they have erupted many times.
I think this could clear up just about any relationship problem (assuming they are rational).  I do this with my young son's and husband.

step1:  Paraphrase how you think THEY may be feeling.  Ask if you are correct.  Do NOT speak of your feelings at all!!! Very important!!  remember..it really does not matter what the facts are....it is their perspective of what happened that is making them back away.

step 2:  Give an example from your own life (not including them) of when you felt the same way......judged or whatever it is (if you can)  This way they really KNOW you get it!

step 3:  Ask if they would be willing to hear how you were feeling (once you are pretty sure you validated their feelings).  If you were embarrassed ...own it.  worried about your son or baby....own it.  Let them know those are your feeling that you will have to deal with.

step 4:Ask forgiveness.  depending on what was said or done ask for forgiveness in time.  Acknowledge that you understand that your words or actions were very hurtful and sometimes it takes time to forgive.  This will allow space for future forgiveness



Anyway, what I would give to hear my MIL or SIL x 4 or FIL say to me is.

"I have treated you (blank)"  I can imagine that left you feeling hurt and angry with me.  That must have put you in a really difficult position and even caused problems between you and our son.  Is that right?    Would you be willing to hear why I think I said and did those things?

I think I said those things because your marrying (blank) made me feel insecure about my position in my son's/daughter's life.  That was my own insecurity and I focused my negative feeling onto you and blamed you for my different relationship with my son/brother.  I know there is a lot of hurt and anger and I can't blame you.  But Do you think you could ever possibly forgive me?  I  am sure i will make missteps(and i hope you will let me know if I do) but I will work hard to show you the utmost respect that you deserve. I truly could not have asked for a better wife for my son/brother

best.




Annie123

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2010, 11:47:37 AM »
OP, I hope you let us know how everything went? I've kept my fingers crossed. ;D

sadat46

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #11 on: October 18, 2010, 10:24:03 AM »
Hi All,

I did go.  Except I found out I was not invited to the wedding, it was the reception.  There was a private 5 minute
for just the groom, bride, wedding party, her parents and my son's dad.  No I was not invited to it.  It hurt.  But I
did go to the reception and I did wear a purple dress.   My dress was in the shade of the purple of her Mom's dress
but not the same style.   It was okay I guess.  Didn't really matter because I was not included in the pictures
of the wedding party.  The bridesmaid dresses were purple and red.   My mom was pretty good but she did not
go speak to the bride.   I did and I also spoke to her parents and everyone else as much as I could.

The thing that did keep me going is that I did get the dance with my son.  We did talk and laughed during the dance
and it seemed fine.  I was told I looked good.

I did get my picture made with my son.  I also got my picture made with all of his friends and his groomsmen who I
have know a long time.

It could have been better but it could have been a lot worse.  I behaved pretty good.  I was careful what I said to her
mother, to her and to her friends.  I was a lot more relaxed with my son's friends because I have known them.

My son was sweet to his sister. 

I am sure that I did something wrong or not quite right but I really cannot dwell on it. 

The one thing I should have done was gone to her parents and told them that they did a really nice job but my hubby
was in the car waiting so I thought I would send her mom a note and thank her for inviting me.

Thank you for your support.

sadat

barelythere

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #12 on: October 18, 2010, 10:33:18 AM »
Hi All,

I did go.  Except I found out I was not invited to the wedding, it was the reception.  There was a private 5 minute
for just the groom, bride, wedding party, her parents and my son's dad.  No I was not invited to it.  It hurt.  But I
did go to the reception and I did wear a purple dress.   My dress was in the shade of the purple of her Mom's dress
but not the same style.   It was okay I guess.  Didn't really matter because I was not included in the pictures
of the wedding party.  The bridesmaid dresses were purple and red.   My mom was pretty good but she did not
go speak to the bride.   I did and I also spoke to her parents and everyone else as much as I could.

The thing that did keep me going is that I did get the dance with my son.  We did talk and laughed during the dance
and it seemed fine.  I was told I looked good.

I did get my picture made with my son.  I also got my picture made with all of his friends and his groomsmen who I
have know a long time.

It could have been better but it could have been a lot worse.  I behaved pretty good.  I was careful what I said to her
mother, to her and to her friends.  I was a lot more relaxed with my son's friends because I have known them.

My son was sweet to his sister. 

I am sure that I did something wrong or not quite right but I really cannot dwell on it. 

The one thing I should have done was gone to her parents and told them that they did a really nice job but my hubby
was in the car waiting so I thought I would send her mom a note and thank her for inviting me.

Thank you for your support.

sadat

 :'(

Offline Nana

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #13 on: October 18, 2010, 01:01:14 PM »
Sadat

You did a good job.  You must have looked beautiful.  As you said, it could have been better but on the other hand, could have been worse.  It was okey.....and the dreadful day is over.  Relax now.   

Love
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Going to the wedding but need some advice maybe from a DIL
« Reply #14 on: October 18, 2010, 01:22:17 PM »
Your survived! Whew!! Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama