Author Topic: Trying Again...Failing Again!  (Read 4602 times)

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justdontunderstand

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Trying Again...Failing Again!
« on: October 11, 2010, 06:59:34 PM »
Well, I last posted asking about how to get through the holidays. After reading all your posts, I decided to try and open the lines of communication again with DIL by letting her know our Thanksgiving plans and inviting her and son to come if they would like. I really wanted to open a dialogue about a visit. The answer I got--- “not sure what we are doing but if we do something, it will be with DIL’s family”.

Now keep in mind that we have not seen our new DIL in a year. Keep in mind also that our son and DIL went to her family home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. Keep in mind that we issued the invitation by emphasizing that there was no pressure to come only to our home. We tried to make it clear that we would come to their home if invited or even attend her family’s gathering if invited. In other words, we are completely flexible on the plans. We just wanted to be together as a family some time during the holidays. Keep in mind that son/DIL, DIL’s family and we all live in different states. But we are more than willing to bear all the expense and time of travel…no quibbling about it. We are not "our way or the highway"kind of people.

As I sit here tonight, I once again just don’t understand why we can’t find a place in this new family. When do you just give up? Why is DIL’s family given this special priority? We honestly haven’t done anything unkind or unloving to explain why we are placed in this position. Every time we extend ourselves and are rejected again and again just seems to be teaching us to pull back. How do you keep trying again and again when you are met with such apparent disregard? How do explain your own son's behavior in this situation?

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2010, 07:17:26 PM »
Well, I last posted asking about how to get through the holidays. After reading all your posts, I decided to try and open the lines of communication again with DIL by letting her know our Thanksgiving plans and inviting her and son to come if they would like. I really wanted to open a dialogue about a visit. The answer I got--- “not sure what we are doing but if we do something, it will be with DIL’s family”.

Now keep in mind that we have not seen our new DIL in a year. Keep in mind also that our son and DIL went to her family home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. Keep in mind that we issued the invitation by emphasizing that there was no pressure to come only to our home. We tried to make it clear that we would come to their home if invited or even attend her family’s gathering if invited. In other words, we are completely flexible on the plans. We just wanted to be together as a family some time during the holidays. Keep in mind that son/DIL, DIL’s family and we all live in different states. But we are more than willing to bear all the expense and time of travel…no quibbling about it. We are not "our way or the highway"kind of people.

As I sit here tonight, I once again just don’t understand why we can’t find a place in this new family. When do you just give up? Why is DIL’s family given this special priority? We honestly haven’t done anything unkind or unloving to explain why we are placed in this position. Every time we extend ourselves and are rejected again and again just seems to be teaching us to pull back. How do you keep trying again and again when you are met with such apparent disregard? How do explain your own son's behavior in this situation?

It is not understandable and you do wonder why a son won't step in and intervene.  So sad but they won't most times.  I don't know JDU......it's horrible.  I wonder if time passes and firm control is finished if she will soften to allow some type of visit?  You never know.  Have you tried to send her things and write her notes and all that?  Keeping in mind that your main goal is getting in the good graces of her with the motive to see them at some point. 

I really believe boot camp is taking place, just my opinion and it's not finished.  I don't know when to let go, bless your heart!

I saw one of my son's friends at a function (stop me if I've told this story) so I asked him if he was going to be with his mom and dad at Thanksgiving and Christmas?  "No, not as long as (insert wife's name) Uncle Charles is alive.  You have to understand, Barelythere, her Uncle Charles is older and might not be here one day soon!" (honestly, you could hear his wife's voice speaking through him) 

I think training camp is complete for him and he might be getting out soon.  He's definitely coming out of the Pea Pod Invasion with a new mind.  :(   

justdontunderstand

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2010, 07:32:18 PM »
Barelythere,
You asked if I had sent notes etc. If you only knew. I have sent notes, gifts, emails, tried to talk to her on the phone....everything you would think would be accepted as gestures of good faith and show a sincere desire to get to know someone. I rarely get a reply. She is always, "too busy" to talk on the phone...When I do get a reply it is generally a one or two word text message or email...This has been going on from day one for over six years since my son started dating her. This is no young wife--she is 30 years old. We have visited with her maybe a total of ten days in that time. Is it any wonder we don't know one another? We want to get to know her, her behavior says she doesn't have the need to know us.

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2010, 07:40:43 PM »
Barelythere,
You asked if I had sent notes etc. If you only knew. I have sent notes, gifts, emails, tried to talk to her on the phone....everything you would think would be accepted as gestures of good faith and show a sincere desire to get to know someone. I rarely get a reply. She is always, "too busy" to talk on the phone...When I do get a reply it is generally a one or two word text message or email...This has been going on from day one for over six years since my son started dating her. This is no young wife--she is 30 years old. We have visited with her maybe a total of ten days in that time. Is it any wonder we don't know one another? We want to get to know her, her behavior says she doesn't have the need to know us.

Do you see your son at all?  I'm sure you know not to say anything about all this to him!!  If she runs over you with a car, don't say a word.  But do you ever see or talk to him? 

LaurieS

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #4 on: October 11, 2010, 07:41:09 PM »
Barelythere,
You asked if I had sent notes etc. If you only knew. I have sent notes, gifts, emails, tried to talk to her on the phone....everything you would think would be accepted as gestures of good faith and show a sincere desire to get to know someone. I rarely get a reply. She is always, "too busy" to talk on the phone...When I do get a reply it is generally a one or two word text message or email...This has been going on from day one for over six years since my son started dating her. This is no young wife--she is 30 years old. We have visited with her maybe a total of ten days in that time. Is it any wonder we don't know one another? We want to get to know her, her behavior says she doesn't have the need to know us.

Doesn't it make you wonder what your child ever saw in someone as self-centered as this?  Yes I said it, she sounds like a very selfish self-centered person who happens to be a DIL.  At 30 years old, this is not behavior that she will outgrow and she's made her point clear as can be.

You spoke about the little bit of time you've spend directly with her, but what about your son are you able to spend any quality time with him?  I know you want to see them as a couple but if she is one of "those" dil's and this has been going on for 6 years, our advice probably left you feeling more frustrated then ever.

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2010, 07:52:16 PM »
I don't know BT... I think I would speak with the son... My issue with my DIL is that she always feels the need to have her family present every time we plan on visiting with the kids... I have spoken directly with my son... he's not approaching the problem in the manner I hoped he would but he is aware that there is a problem and now  understands fully when we make the decisions that we make concerning visits.  Communication needs to be honest in order to work.

Laurie, you may be right but for me, it's dangerous.  My thoughts to him are not kept between us and she takes it out on us.  She has been particularly cruel when she's crossed.  We have no one to one communication with our son at all.  When we speak, it's always with her there so she can hear.  She might bless it or she might not.  All is well between us right now so I'm happy. 

LaurieS

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2010, 08:02:51 PM »
It would be hard if you are not allowed any one on one communication, and if he in turn repeats anything you say, then there has been a huge breach in your trust of him.  Why would any man accept this type of domination?  I'm not talking about your son BT, but there are many men out there who either sit back or have no ability to have any input in their own lives.  I'm sure some psychiatrist out there will say that these men had dominating mothers.. but I doubt that is often the case.  I know my own son is very non-confrontational for the most part and can let a lot roll off his back..but that isn't even a good reason not to take a more active part in your own life.

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2010, 08:13:41 PM »
It would be hard if you are not allowed any one on one communication, and if he in turn repeats anything you say, then there has been a huge breach in your trust of him.  Why would any man accept this type of domination?  I'm not talking about your son BT, but there are many men out there who either sit back or have no ability to have any input in their own lives.  I'm sure some psychiatrist out there will say that these men had dominating mothers.. but I doubt that is often the case.  I know my own son is very non-confrontational for the most part and can let a lot roll off his back..but that isn't even a good reason not to take a more active part in your own life.

I think my son, though successful and handsome, is down deep afraid.  I don't know why. He lets her run the show.  She does and he's happy with that.  At first he was not like that at all.  He called us and visited a lot but something changed and all has to go through her to get to him now.  Her friends are the same way.  They are in the group with her and they know she's the boss.  She drops those who don't play right.  It's okay...I lived through it.  I'm almost on the other side.  It takes a long time.

Offline luise.volta

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2010, 09:08:48 PM »
There's food for thought in the fear concept. I bet you're right. Sending love...
Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama

Offline Pen

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2010, 10:58:30 PM »

...As I sit here tonight, I once again just don’t understand why we can’t find a place in this new family. When do you just give up? Why is DIL’s family given this special priority? We honestly haven’t done anything unkind or unloving to explain why we are placed in this position. Every time we extend ourselves and are rejected again and again just seems to be teaching us to pull back. How do you keep trying again and again when you are met with such apparent disregard? How do explain your own son's behavior in this situation?

Great questions, JDU. Your situation seems very similar to mine. Never ones to hover or smother, we too kept pulling back after repeatedly getting rejected and were conscious of our every word and deed. We totally lucked out - DH & I were ready to give up when things turned around a bit for some reason. Counseling? DS standing up for himself and for us? Don't know for sure, but from there we had some tentative visits and now we're feeling a bit more secure, although we still are treading lightly.

My feeling is that DS was blinded by love and the materialistic things DIL's FOO could provide. Who wouldn't want to hang out at their house? Also, as a newlywed with not a lot of relationship experience, he wanted to please his very family-oriented bride. He was secure in our love for him but had to ingratiate himself with his ILs.

JDU, it's a difficult thing. {{{hugs}}}
Respect ... is appreciation of the separateness of the other person, of the ways in which he or she is unique.
-- Annie Gottlieb

Offline Nana

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2010, 01:09:03 AM »
Justdontunderstand

I also think that she is making her point very clear.  I think that you do not need more of this from dil/son or anyone else .  I would defenitely distanced myself  but after speaking to my son and asking him why cant you be included in their plans for holidays ever.  If he doesnt stand for you, at least have him give you answers.   The truth is sometimes cruel and tough.....but we sometimes need the truth to move on (even if we move on with a broken heart)..  Dont ever humiliate yourself to them.     You are good people, they defenitely dont deserve you ugh...I feel so angry.    It would be a priviledge having you in their lives.... who they think they are? 

Cheer up.... you did the right thing......but not anymore....please dont...   let them buy a punching bag.

Love you


A big warm hug
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove:
Shakespeare

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2010, 05:59:28 AM »
 :)

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2010, 06:01:20 AM »
:)
Pen, I had something all written out about how glad I was that your son is including you again and all that popped up was a smiley face.  "Computers, the bane of mankind"

cremebrulee

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2010, 06:21:22 AM »
Well, I last posted asking about how to get through the holidays. After reading all your posts, I decided to try and open the lines of communication again with DIL by letting her know our Thanksgiving plans and inviting her and son to come if they would like. I really wanted to open a dialogue about a visit. The answer I got--- “not sure what we are doing but if we do something, it will be with DIL’s family”.

Now keep in mind that we have not seen our new DIL in a year. Keep in mind also that our son and DIL went to her family home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. Keep in mind that we issued the invitation by emphasizing that there was no pressure to come only to our home. We tried to make it clear that we would come to their home if invited or even attend her family’s gathering if invited. In other words, we are completely flexible on the plans. We just wanted to be together as a family some time during the holidays. Keep in mind that son/DIL, DIL’s family and we all live in different states. But we are more than willing to bear all the expense and time of travel…no quibbling about it. We are not "our way or the highway"kind of people.

As I sit here tonight, I once again just don’t understand why we can’t find a place in this new family. When do you just give up? Why is DIL’s family given this special priority? We honestly haven’t done anything unkind or unloving to explain why we are placed in this position. Every time we extend ourselves and are rejected again and again just seems to be teaching us to pull back. How do you keep trying again and again when you are met with such apparent disregard? How do explain your own son's behavior in this situation?

I'm very sorry your experiencing this pain....it feels never ending and changes your life forever, believe me, it's terrible and awful....an example of your question and her answer?

I wish your son would interject....and you could share the holidays....

I wish you could explain your son's behavior, have you ever tried to ask him why and tell him this is hurting you awful...I would ask him, "What can I do to change this, that your very sorry this is happening?"

You should be asking your son these questions and not fear the answers....however, your going to have to deal with his answers no matter how hurtful they are....or seem.....can you do that?

But actually, you should be asking both of them, these questions....

if they won't answer, then sorry as I am to say, the cold hard facts of this is, that your going to have to make plans without them for awhile.  And hope and pray they both come to they're senses....

you said in one of your posts that she is completely mean when she is crossed...so what do you think or does she think you did to cross her?  What was so terrible that she feels like she needs to exclude you from family....(and believe me, unless a person is abusive or on substance abuse, I don't believe anyone should be estranged...)  but apparently she thinks you did something to hurt her?

Also, I wouldn't ever give up hope that it changes....never...what I would do, is try to change myself....my own attitude, and let them go, at this point the only choice you have, sorry to say, is to change your own attitude and learn how to deal with this...and believe me, I know about rejection, as all of us do....it hurts something awful.....

I'm sending hugs...
Creme
« Last Edit: October 12, 2010, 07:57:03 AM by cremebrulee »

barelythere

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Re: Trying Again...Failing Again!
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2010, 06:31:49 AM »
Well, I last posted asking about how to get through the holidays. After reading all your posts, I decided to try and open the lines of communication again with DIL by letting her know our Thanksgiving plans and inviting her and son to come if they would like. I really wanted to open a dialogue about a visit. The answer I got--- “not sure what we are doing but if we do something, it will be with DIL’s family”.

Now keep in mind that we have not seen our new DIL in a year. Keep in mind also that our son and DIL went to her family home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. Keep in mind that we issued the invitation by emphasizing that there was no pressure to come only to our home. We tried to make it clear that we would come to their home if invited or even attend her family’s gathering if invited. In other words, we are completely flexible on the plans. We just wanted to be together as a family some time during the holidays. Keep in mind that son/DIL, DIL’s family and we all live in different states. But we are more than willing to bear all the expense and time of travel…no quibbling about it. We are not "our way or the highway"kind of people.

As I sit here tonight, I once again just don’t understand why we can’t find a place in this new family. When do you just give up? Why is DIL’s family given this special priority? We honestly haven’t done anything unkind or unloving to explain why we are placed in this position. Every time we extend ourselves and are rejected again and again just seems to be teaching us to pull back. How do you keep trying again and again when you are met with such apparent disregard? How do explain your own son's behavior in this situation?

I'm very sorry your experiencing this pain....it feels never ending and changes your life forever, believe me, it's terrible and awful....

I wish your son would interject....and you could share the holidays....

I wish you could explain your son's behavior, have you ever tried to ask him why and tell him this is hurting you awful...I would ask him, "What can I do to change this, that your very sorry this is happening?"

You should be asking your son these questions and not fear the answers....however, your going to have to deal with his answers no matter how hurtful they are....or seem.....can you do that?

But actually, you should be asking both of them, these questions....

if they won't answer, then sorry as I am to say, the cold hard facts of this is, that your going to have to make plans without them for awhile.  And hope and pray they both come to they're senses....

you said in one of your posts that she is completely mean when she is crossed...so what do you think or does she think you did to cross her?  What was so terrible that she feels like she needs to exclude you from family....(and believe me, unless a person is abusive or on substance abuse, I don't believe anyone should be estranged...)  but apparently she thinks you did something to hurt her?

Also, I wouldn't ever give up hope that it changes....never...what I would do, is try to change myself....my own attitude, and let them go, at this point the only choice you have, sorry to say, is to change your own attitude and learn how to deal with this...and believe me, I know about rejection, as all of us do....it hurts something awful.....

I'm sending hugs...
Creme

Dear JDU,
First of all, thank you, Creme or your sage advice to her. I'm sure she's finding this hard to navigate.

JDU, unless you told her to "shove it" or "looked at her like you wished she was dead" or "said anything to her to offend her", she has no right to treat the Mother of her Husband this way.  She owes you respect.  It's common courtesy.  You are owed that.