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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - Grieving

From another topic:" Our newest and youngest DIL was so sweet to me. (Brace yourself) but she even HUGGED my neck for her gift and kept saying how much she loved it. And ladies that is the first thing in 2 years she hasn't refused or acted as if she could care less about. I think I'm still in shock. Must be her preg. hormones? LOL But I'll gladly take what I can get. Her bright and happy attitude even made the other children and the wives even more comfortable because she was kind and friendly. "

I didn't want to hijack the Wine & Conversations.... thread, but this quote from DixieDarling struck a cord with me.  After 2 1/2 yrs. of snarky remarks, uncomfortable visits, walking on eggshells, our DIL has 'returned'.

When she and DS were dating and first married, we could not have wished for a better DIL---then she got pregnant. At first, I ignored the barbed remarks, etc. thinking that it was just hormones, but it just got worse after the baby was born, and for the following 18 months. DS and I discussed it, he didn't see a real problem, thought since I was able to accommodate his idiosyncrasies I should also accommodate hers. Oops, didn't realize I raised such a self centered soul  :-[ . I drew a line as to what I would accept(hostilities were aimed at me, not rest of FOO, although they could see it and agreed that I was the target---for no apparent reason.)  Since we only saw them infrequently anyway, on the surface, visits remained normal to the naked eye, while inwardly, I seethed at injustice, and walked on eggshells.

Anyway, in the last 6 months, DIL has done an about face. She is as she was in the beginning. However, I am having a hard time trusting her. Having seen what she can say and do, having missed out on truly enjoying GC babyhood, I feel like I will not and cannot give her a chance to hurt me like that again. I know I am hurting myself by holding on to the anger, but I can't seem to let go. Fool me once.........

Any ideas???
A friend who is going through a similar experience with her DIL mentioned yesterday that she thinks our DILs act like they do because we were such good parents--they feel intimidated that they won't measure up. Now, she is a more positive person than I, but it gave me pause to think. I do know when trying to discuss the problem with my son, he has told me that DIL is intimidated by me, and was working on it. He also said he felt like we had been good parents. I have no idea why she should feel that way, and quite frankly,at this point, I don't really care.

However, I thought I would share the idea. I know many embrace the idea of not making sense of senseless, etc. but I have not reached that point. While I understand the concept, I still struggle with the WHY. 
Grandchildren / Need snappy response
March 19, 2013, 04:37:32 am
Though the problem is really with DS/DIL, as GC are too young, this seemed the appropriate area in which to post this.

Some time ago, I posted on here about not bonding with GC.For the most part, I have accepted that my relationship with DS/DIL/GC is what it is--basically, superficial and phony. Since before GC, DS/DIL seemed to enjoy our company, wanted us in their(and future children's) lives,  I tried to find out what it was that I (since it seems DIL hostility  is aimed at me and not DH), had done, but got no real answer.DS admitted DIL was insecure around me, but for the life of me, I cannot fathom why,as I felt bonded and loved her from the beginning.  DS calls, emails, FBs photos, texts, etc. periodically---which is about what he did before marriage. I am ok with that. When we are together, which isn't very often, everyone ignores the elephant in the room, and pretends to be happy. This primarily consists of us watching GC play and interact with DIL. GC really do not know us, nor do we know them. To me, they are no more than very cute children, who are fun to watch for a short time.  I feel much closer to several other children who are not even family.

Yes, I still grieve occasionally for 'what could of/should have been", but don't dwell on it. If I could snap my fingers and make my expectations come true, I would. However, that isn't going to happen.

My question is how to deal with public expectations?  I know I shouldn't be bothered by this,but I am. Someday I hope to reach the point where I no longer care or worry about what other people think, but I am not there yet.  Watching strangers interact with their GC is difficult, but I tell myself that I don't know what goes on in private. The real problem I have is with friends. I have confided in two close friends what my situation is, and the fact that I really feel no more for my GC than any other child, and really don't enjoy DS family visits. Their reaction was to dismiss my feelings by telling me that I really didn't feel that way. This hurt and annoyed me so, that I have taken to avoiding these friends.

If friends who have known me for many years react this way, you can imagine how difficult it is for me to be around more casual friends and acquaintances when they gush over their GC, and ask me 'don't I think being a GM is just the most wonderful thing in life. "  I usually try to noncommittal in my response, but have a hard time, as I don't 'lie' very well. I am wondering if anyone else has this problem, and how do you deal with it? Is there some response that will convey I don't have such a great GM experience without going into details?

On the plus side, I once made some comment at a gathering implying that all was not rosy, and 2 of the 3 women there, replied in kind, so as with this site,  it was nice to know I wasn't the only one. In another instance, I found that one of the women went through periodic estrangements from her son and DIL. However, I realize that this type of response in general public gathering is not comfortable to most.

Any snappy one liners out there??
Grandchildren / Not bonding with GC
July 17, 2012, 06:52:01 am
Wow, I am not the only one ;) I have been 'lurking' here for several months, and have realized that more people than I thought have problems with their DILs, etc. but have never quite figured out what to post. My story re: DIL is similar to many, just details different. To summarize, loved her until she got pregnant and she turned into a "pain", tried to give her benefit of doubt(hormones),but she blew up at Christmas over something I considered trivial, and certainly unintentioned. I apologized, but she never did ( I felt we both were at fault), it has tainted the relationship with DS, and GS ever since. Prior to birth, DS/DIL kept saying how much they wanted us in GC life, I was excited about being GM.....to an extent. I always had some reservations, such as I did not want to be like most of my friends who thought their lives were so much richer, better, exciting, fulfilled, yada yada , now that they were GPs. Even before holiday blowup, I did not feel that close to GS , who was born in fall. Some of that could have been lack of bonding due to inability to help with the care after birth. We were asked and expected by DS/DIL to be there, changed our schedules to do so, then were pretty much ignored.(We live several hours a way) Keep in mind, I told them I thought it was their time, but we would do what they wanted, glad to help if they wanted/needed us. The few times I was allowed to hold GS by DS, DIL swooped in and took him away,so very little bonding or warm fuzzy feelings during that visit.  Oops, just realized I was in danger of posting more about DIL problem than keeping on thread. We just a nice visit with DS family recently, but not the warm, happy kind we had pre-preg/birth, more the stiff, formal, polite kind of casual friends--every one careful not to step on toes. Playing with GS was fun, entertaining, but I still do not feel a real connection to him. He is adorable, looks so much like DS, but I am content to see pictures. I am sure some of it is my self-protection kicking in. I am afraid to get to attached, as never know what DIL might do, don't feel like they really want us in his life---he has teeth we were never told about, if I ask how much he weighs/height, it is viewed as national secret. But some of it, is the ugly fact that being with him is not worth the effort of being with DIL. I realize that it is their right and duty to raise him--I certainly don't want to do it--but her ideas are so far-fetched IMHO, that being with GS is not worth putting up with them.Since I can't be the fun loving, doting GM that I wanted to be(ie. grieving), I am content to maintain my distance both literally and figuratively, so it is nice to know that there are others out there, and I am not the cold unfeeling soul that I feel like when I am among those goosy GMs.