June 26, 2019, 06:06:30 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Topics - Pearls

1
I still do not have a relationship with my oldest daughter, now 23. The breakup of my marriage left her hating me and siding with her dad. People have told me she'll come around, but it's been over 8 years and she still shuns me. My other children are friendly with her, me, and their dad.

I've been on this site before and some people have pointed out that she may never let me back in her life. I realize this but I hate to give up. I'd like to reach out to her, again, and tell her the door continues to be open. Any advice? I continue to be brokenhearted even though I put on a brave face.
2
My 21 year old daughter shut me out of her life since her father and I split up 7 years ago.  I used to hold out hope that she'd come back into my life, but there is the real possibility that she may never be back in my life again, ever.

The pain of an alienated child is unspeakable.  I worry that I will die before we ever get to make amends.  But I worry for HER, too, that if something were to happen to me, she'd never get to hear all the loving things a child needs to hear from her mother.

So in my fireproof lockbox that I keep under my bed is a love letter to her, telling her about how wonderful she was as a baby, the many awesome and warm memories I have of her childhood, the joy she brought to my life when she made me a mother for the first time, the happiness I wish for her in her life, how I'm sorry for her obvious pain, and that I understand her decision not to attend my mother's funeral a few years ago doesn't mean she didn't love her mom-mom.  I wrote love letters for my other children, too, who are still in my life.

I know there are others out there in my situation.  Please consider writing a loving letter to your child and keeping it in a safe place.  No blame, no guilt, just the good stuff about what you love about them.  Leave your child something he or she can hold onto should they regret not accepting the olive branch when it was offered. 

This is not meant to be a doomsday-type post.  There's not a lot I can control about my situation, but I get a tiny little bit of peace of mind in knowing that even if I don't get to talk to her again, I can still say the things I want to say.  Who knows, maybe she'll rip it up, but I hope it's something she'd treasure.
3
This book changed my life. 

I was in a difficult marriage and my husband was often verbally abusive.  I kept thinking that if only I could communicate to him in a way he could understand, then things would be different.  Then I got this book and was shocked to read what could have been my own story right on the pages.  That is when it finally dawned on me that things would never change.  It wasn't my communication problem, it was his unwillingness to want to save us.

If anyone is living through the terrible pain of verbal abuse, please read this book.  It was a little bit biased against men (as if men are the only ones who verbally abuse others), but it was immensely helpful in looking at how simple conversations can escalate into verbally abusive exchanges, and what the abuser is consciously or unconsciously trying to do.
4
I left my husband 6 years ago, after 24 years of a marriage that was never easy.  The last straw was when he spat in my face.  I didn't want my 4 kids to grow up thinking this was how marriage was supposed to be.  We had separated twice before, but the kids don't remember that.  I suffered from depression for about a year and it took a lot of strength to finally leave.  I don't believe in divorce, and this was very hard.

My oldest daughter was 14 at the time, and she took it hard.  I moved out and rented a house with enough room for all 4 kids, but she never came.  Days turned into weeks into months into years, but still she stayed with Dad.  My biggest regret is that I didn't push it early on.  I kept telling her she was welcome to come whenever she wanted.  She believed the lies my ex told me (that there was another man, NOT true).  If you've ever heard of Parental Alienation Syndrome, this is it.  I think he wanted to make things so difficult for me that I'd come crawling back.  Still, I refuse to badmouth him in front of the kids and try to take the high road.

She didn't want me to come to her high school graduation a few years ago.  I had to beg a friend of a friend of a friend to get an extra ticket so I could go.  She missed her sister's first dance recital because she knew I'd be there.

So here I am, at 50 years old with a beautiful 20 year old daughter who doesn't care if she ever sees me again.  What can I do?  The odd thing is, we were very, very close before this.

To an outsider, you'd think that I must have been a bad mother, neglected her, abused her.  None of that is true.  I think she needed someone to hate for disrupting her life so she picked me.

The problem is, how did I let it go so long?  A part of me is dead inside.  I tried heavy duty praying, and you know what happened?  I got to see her in the ER because she got swine flu, and she still didn't talk to me. 

I text her, and she only responds if she needs something. 

Is there anything I can do to establish a relationship with her again?  It's been 6 years.  If she hasn't let me in her life by now, I'm afraid she never will, and I really don't know if I can live with that reality.