August 19, 2019, 02:03:49 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Momstheword

1
OMG Lyn,
You're telling my story! Our situations are 95% identical.  I have 2 children,  10 years apart,  one of them (married daughter, her husband and our only grandchild) living in our planned retirement property that we put her into when she told us she was pregnant. We did it to help her out because with a baby on the way and his unstable work,  it would have been difficult.
Like you they are living rent free and won't even help with simple things,  but worst of all,  are keeping us from the baby threatening that if we try to evict them we'll never see her again,  but we don't see her much now!  
My daughter blames me for not having friends because I wouldn't let her go out late at night. She blames me for not paying her enough attention, not taking her to fun places unlike her husband's mother,  who is wonderful and more like a friend to get SIL and hates that we weren't like them. 
Seems that apart from the blatant lies and delusional episodes my daughter suffers memory loss too, and has completely dismissed repeated trips to Disneyland, the snow,  the beach, the zoo etc.
Maybe I imagined those effects???
2
Thanks ladies,

Yes these commandments are accurate, came from a place of hurt and (yes deep) resentment, both of which are injuring no one but me.  I've been kicked down quite a bit over the past few weeks since posting them, and I'm just rising to my feet again only this time I am determined more than ever to take my life and whatever dignity I can salvage, take care of myself, and communicate to everyone (especially) my hurtful and disrespectful adult daughter, that if she wants a mother I'll be here for her but if she wants a punching bag, join your local gym; I'm done with being beaten up by her (and myself later)!
3
1. Thou shall not ever say anything that isn't praising of the AC
2. Thou shall not uninvited texts or phone calls to AC unless they are in reply to those of AC
3. Thou must never display signs of confusion, forgetfulness, hurt or disappointment because of AC words or actions
4. Thou must never express an opinion unless one is requested by AC 
5. Thou must always be agreeable to AC comments or behaviour no matter the consequence
6. Thou must give of their time unconditionally at any hour of day or night
7. Thou must never deny the AC anything, including affection, money, accommodation
8. Thou must never ever (ever ever) have an opinion
9. Thou must give and give and give, and even when there is nothing left to give, take from others to give to AC
10. Thou must be grateful for AC permitting them to be in their (or their children's) presence
4
Dear Delia,

It is heartbreaking when our adult children are unkind, in either their spoken or unspoken communications and as difficult as it is, please understand often it's not about you, it's about them.  They are the ones choosing to behave so cruelly, whether they mean to or not.

The best way to deal with hurtful situations is to remind myself that I cannot control how others behave but I can control how I react to their behaviour.

Hugs to you
xx 
5
Hey all,

Sorry, I should've asked.....

Though I will do my very best to "shelf" my less than desirable relationship with my DD until she starts to be civil.  But does anyone know how to do this amicably without causing an argument?  That is, although I am more than happy to distance myself, my DD is such a controlling person that if I don't respond when she wants and how she wants, all hell will break loose!  :o
6
Thanks ladies,
I really appreciate your pearls of wisdom, they bring much comfort to a weary tormented/defeated soul (aka parent of a mean adult child).
I think I will adopt that "shelf" of my DD until such time as she can be more civil.
If I am to survive her hostility, I need widen the distance between communications with her, to avoid being overwhelmed by the impact of her attacks.
Hugs to you both
xx
7
Dear Wise Women,
Can someone please explain to me why my DD is so nice to everyone else but me?
Her MIL and SIL (on her DH's side) and even my own sister (on ours) yet I'm treated like garbage, only shown any attention when DD wants something like a shoulder to cry (dump) on, or complain about how difficult things are financially with just her DH working.
She NEVER asks me to go anywhere with her, unless she's broke (and knows I'll pay)
She NEVER asks how I am, even after I tell her I've been ill
Yet if my sister is unwell she goes running down there at lightening speed!
My DD goes on and on and on about how wonderful her "auntie" is to her but if only she knew how much my sister speaks behind my DD's back! It got so bad, that I stopped speaking to my sister in disgust, and when I tried to explain why to my DD, she blamed me for the fall-out! :(
Even if DD knew the truth, I'm convinced she'd forgive my sister in a heartbeat, but me.....I say one word out of line (over the simplest thing) and all of a sudden I'm "rude" and "a drama queen" and "psycho"
Well, this psycho is done trying to please my DD, time for me!  Or is that being too much the "drama queen"?
Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated ladies, as I'm having a really down day today. :( 
8
Quote from: still-count? on December 13, 2018, 05:32:14 am
We love our daughters - in-law and feel our sons have chosen wisely

As a mother of both a son and daughter, I thought that when the time came, I'd be in a better situation with my DD.  After all, the saying is that "a son is your son till he takes a wife, but your daughter is your daughter for life"?  :-X Well I must have missed that memo?  As a mother of the DIL to another family's boy/DS I can tell you, the maternal family is not always the one that benefits from the extra attention because they are connected to the daughter. :'(
Nevertheless I think your comment about your DILs is lovely, and I think if you remind both your sons and especially the DILs themselves of this, adding that because of such pride and joy that you would like to see more of them it might help?  It may not solve the in balance immediately, but it can't hurt and maybe reinforcing it over time, will help turn things around in your favour with a little extra consideration.
In the meantime, as painful as it might be (and I know it is) try not to focus on the problem too much, but rather be kind to yourself and know that you deserve all the love and respect, as much as the DILs families do but ultimately, you have to be the master of your own happiness and can't rely on anyone else to fulfil you.  Be happy, it can be very contagious and hopefully enough so to rub off on them that they will want to share in your joy! :) 
Hugs to you xx :)
9
Dear Rockchic,
I hope you are doing well.
I know it's hard when the children that we raised and loved so much turn on us without any reason other than because they're angry and not always from anything that we as their parents have said or done wrong. The thing that hurts the most is not that they're upset but rather that they forget that our unconditional love for them doesn't give them permission to be abusive and disrespectful.
Please be kind to yourself, and if your DD doesn't treat you right walk away, take a break and let her know you'll still be there but only when She is prepared to be civil towards you. Remind her that you deserve to be treated kindly if nothing else!  Hugs xx
10
Quote from: luise.volta on September 06, 2018, 11:06:56 am
Oh, honey...I'm so sorry. I don't think there is one person here who hasn't had relapses...hoping things aren't the way they are. They do get fewer and farther between. Hugs...
Ain't that the truth! ;)  It's "one step forward, 2 (or what feels like 2 miles) back" but hopefully as Luise rightly put it, the relapses will become less and we in turn can heal. Hugs to you and all (who like me) is having one of those backward moments 😥 Xx
11
Hey Citipearl,
Don't despair, you are worth so much more than your kids could begin to understand.
I hear and feel your pain. My DD treats me like garbage, she yells at me, calls me names, lies and twists things I've said or not said, manipulates, aims to control me and has told me that she hates me because I ruined her childhood. Whereas her brother, thinks I'm ok (well for now anyway).
I used to tolerate DDs abuse so I didnt miss out on seeing my beautiful GD. But that's now changing. I've had enough!  I'm  starting to take a step back, regaining my self respect and not let DD affect me with her abusive treatment, I'm looking after me, because (like you) I have done my best as a mother and until she has walked a mile in my shoes, wont ever fully understand the sacrifices that most mothers make out of love for their (ungrateful) offspring!
Hugs to you Citipearl, you will be ok, hang in there Xx
12
Thanks ladies  ;)

In answer to your question SL, to be perfectly honest, having fun is really hard work especially when you're so used to planning things for a group like family, or even just a single child. It's always easier trying to entertain than be entertained I think.

Sure I'm finding that I have to retrain myself to think about what I like and want (to do) and it's tough because it feels so unnatural to me, putting myself first.  But I know I need to (for my own well being) so for the sake of good health I'm making a real effort. 

DH and I have taken to things like trips to the museum, art gallery and even a few strange (but interest and hilarious ventures) like ghost/paranormal investigations (tours), as well as day trips to beautiful wineries, weekend boats cruises, interstate travel and spending more time with our beloved pets out in the park. We both work so have to plan most things for the weekends, but we try to get in a few activities here and there, and we're rediscovering each other as we go too (we'd become strangers over the years because of the kids).

Don't get me wrong,  I still get the pangs of guilt every now and again especially when I find myself doing something like relaxing on a deck chair staring out across beautiful scenery and thinking "gosh wish DD or DS or both were here to see this, or enjoy this with me''!  Oh well.... old habits huh?  I too am a work in progress and yes a bit slow in getting there but I'm sure the  more I practice doing stuff for me the better I'll get at it.  If there's true in the old saying, practice makes perfect, then watch out.....I'm aiming for total perfection!  :D  8)
13
Thanks SL, (love the name by the way!)  ;)

Like you, I'm still learning (and discovering too).  In fact, I had to re-read my post at least half a dozen times before posting it up because I couldn't believe it was me!!!  ???

You see, I would never have written something like that a few weeks ago.  I wouldn't have known how to brush things off, as up until recently I was for the most part a blubbering mess most days all thanks to my DD and her abusive behaviour towards me. 

Ever since she announced she was pregnant with my beautiful GC, an experience that I mistakenly thought would bring us together, DD has been spiteful, argumentative, cruel in word and action and basically so far removed from the precious little girl I adored.  I know pregnancy can play havoc with a woman's body (and mind) but surely the change in hormones can't be held responsible for turning a woman into the fire-breathing, venom spitting dragon she turned into?  Instead of getting closer, sharing the kind of newfound mother-daughter bond that I would see on TV or read about in books, my DD became so nasty and so distant that not only did I no longer know who she was, but frankly didn't want to!!!

All the things we had talked about doing one day, going baby shopping, attending doctor/hospital check ups together, getting pedicures especially for her once she couldn't see her toes anymore because of the expanding belly, and just generally doing loving and fun mother and mother-to-be stuff was shared with other women, like her MIL and SILs, DH's aunts, cousins and basically any female except with yours truly. :( 

I became the insecure "crazy" and "needy'' mother that was jealous and self-centred expecting that I would be welcome into her new circle.  How foolish of me for taking time off work hoping to escort her to ultrasounds only to be begrudgingly allowed to attend.  But it was ok for me to spend hours driving to her place (never the other way around) with carload of gifts, groceries, and cash to help out a young, now single income family. All the while DH's family remained the hip fun family who she preferred to visit/spend time with and who (although they never offered a penny of help) were praised to the hilt for being so amazing!  Where was the amazing family when DD was being threatened with eviction, and dear old crazy came to the rescue, paying up the back rent and a year in advance to boot just to ensure they didn't get tossed to the curb once the baby was born. 

I cried and cried for days, weeks and months, fearing my beautiful GD wouldn't get to know or bond with me as she would with the other grans.  FaceTime was mentioned as an alternative, so out I went and purchased an iPad (I'm an Android person myself but ok I'll go Apple to see my GD's face) but really what a waste.... I can count on one hand the number of FT sessions in the last 12 months!  FOO (is that Family Or Others, sorry I'm not familiar with a lot of the acronyms) see my GD regularly (at least every week), DD goes out with MIL regularly but I can't even get the commitment of a regular FT session to see my beautiful GD via the internet!!! :(

The list of hurts is soooooo long....

I bought so many clothes for baby GD, some of the cutest little outfits, and always after consulting with DD first (she hates if I buy anything she doesn't like) and what do I get?  Photos with comments like "doesn't she look darling in the little hat/coat/outfit (MILs name) got her while we were out?"  Yeah peachy!!! Where on earth are all the clothes I purchased?  Why did I bother?  So they could sit in the back of the cupboard and never see the light of day?  Really????

Well I'm over it......and getting better at not giving a hoot as much anymore.

I now go out and buy a ton of clothes FOR ME, and I take myself out and enjoy my time with my DH. 

I'm done with being an emotional punching bag, a withdrawal machine for money, or someone to just offload to when the fun family treats DD like garbage. 

I'm taking control of my life, because I'M WORTH IT!!!
14
Quote from: LynnRN on November 10, 2018, 12:11:13 am
My youngest DD is 22 and is in a serious relationship talking about getting married. They're looking for an apartment with the goal of moving in a couple of months. So far, I really like her boyfriend, but they are always spending time with his family, and I'm finding myself jealous listening to her talk about them and all the good times they're having. It seems that his house is the "fun house" that everyone wants to visit.


Dear LynnRN,

Although I just registered, I found myself having to respond to your post even before telling my own tale of woes with my AC.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss.:(

Your post, in particular your reference to "fun house" resonated with me because my own DD constantly tells me that her DH's family "do fun stuff together" whereas we (her family) don't, and it seems never did?!  ??? 

A year ago my DD and SIL blessed with a beautiful GD which I absolutely adore but sadly don't get to see her anywhere near as often as my SIL's family and I think it's because he is a mommy's boy but my DD says it's because "his family are close and always do things and go places together" and as she is one of them now, she gets to enjoy new adventures.   

So what do people like us who live in houses or choose lifestyles that are filled with less "fun" to do?  Well, it's taken me a long time, but thanks to the constant badgering from my DH I've come to realise (yes he's right, though I won't tell him that) ;) if I am to survive the pain of not seeing my beautiful girls (DD and GD) as often as I'd like I/we need to make my own fun!  And who knows, maybe if my DD see how much "fun" we are having she may just ask to join in, and there's always the slightest possibility she may actually enjoy herself too! Like she used to as a child (or did I imagine that all those years ago?)  ???