June 25, 2019, 11:58:58 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - cathybeth

1
Thanks so very much for the words of support.  I had never really thought in terms of abuse -- but you are right Luise.  sometimes it takes an objective view.  So I ended my trip and returned home as schedduled -- and I am so glad to be home! I  did have the strength to end on a positive note -- as I bit my tongue.  As I would for  anyone who provideed lodging, I got flowers for my son and DIL and put them in a VERY obvious place.  My son returned to their home and said, "Oh  are these from you?  Nice."  So that was gratifying.  When my DIL returned she walked by  them several times, even stood there with them just about in her face -- said nothing.  I said nothing.  At dinner, my son said, "Did you see the flowers?" DIL said "Yeah."  Son said, "They are from my  mom" and DIL said, "Oh."  I said NOTHING -- all I know is that she is incredibly rude.  With courage from your support I just let it go -- and I am never staying there again.  Next trip I will follow your advice and stay elsewhere.  I just have to remember that I am doing that for ME -- as that feeling of "she wins" tends to sneak into my mind.  I guess I have to learn not to think of it that way... It is hard. Anyway -- thanks so much for all your comments and support! It is greatly appreciated...
2
I admire your strength.  I hope to get there someday!  Blessings to you!!
3
I feel your pain and there are no easy answers.  I have a difficult situation myself -- but with 2 DILs I can see the difference where one actually tries to connect with me, and the other is forcing me away.  I choose to have a relationship with the DIL who will engage in conversation with me.  I am finished trying to do whatever it is the other one is looking for because frankly -- I have no idea what it is, she won't tell me, and darned if I do -- darned if I don't.  Be kind to yourself -- and don't let them drag you down.  Do something for yourself and find some human connections that don't rely on this DIL.  I try to do such things... it is hard, but you have to take care of yourself.  The social contract is broken in so many ways in these situations, and that leaves us with a need to find a substitute. I hope you find something... Blessings to you....

4
As I sit here alone -- visiting my son and DIL on the west coast, I remain befuddled by how they seem to be so angry at me all of the time.  Everything I do is wrong -- if I don't help with the dishes that is wrong -- if I help with the dishes I let the water run too much.  I never get a thank-you when I help.  Making matters worse, they simply ignore me.  When I try to start a conversation I get a 1-word answer. Over the weekend they had work to do -- and I get that -- but they worked all day and were silent.  I never looked at my phone quite so much in my life.  When I finally gave up and went to my room (after about 6 hours of this...) they moved from their computers and were walking around talking.  They make me feel less than worthless.  Darned if I do, darned if I don't.  Luckily I am leaving tomorrow -- and I am pretty sure I will never come back and stay with them.  My DIL has succeeded in shutting me out completely and my son is not off the hook either.  Sure -- we had a great relationship pre-marriage, but that time is gone, never to return.  Feeling sad and abandoned and I can't figure out what on earth I could have done to deserve this... :(   Support or advice is greatly appreciated...