Problem Solving => Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters => Topic started by: Amber on July 09, 2015, 04:20:54 pm

Title: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Amber on July 09, 2015, 04:20:54 pm
Hi folks I'm hoping to receive some help.

I got married at 18 I was young and very nieve.  My husband (10 yrs older) dominated me and mentally abused me for almost 30yrs.

I have a son and a daughter ages 29 & 31.

I stayed with there father for their sake until they were old enough and were settled in careers.

I practically brought them up and in some respects I grew up with them.  I did everything for them and much more.
I left there father for my own well being and sanity...but since then they have disowned me and it's hard to live with. I now live very much on my own with my little dog.
I took very ill as a result...suffering minor TIAs resulting in epilepsy...and I am still struggelling day by day.

I found out 2 Christmas's ago my daughter got engaged ..... And was married on the 5 June.
I wasn't invited.  :'( my father and brother were there and the wider family circle...it's breaking my heart...
Please help!
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Stilllearning on July 10, 2015, 08:53:25 am
Oh Amber, you do not deserve to be treated this way!  You cannot change how they treat you but you can change how you react to it!  We allow people to push our buttons and the ones that are closest to our hearts have the most power in that regard.  So the question is "Why are these people who have abused you for so long still so close to your heart?"  If you met them on the street would you even want a relationship with them?  If you did not have a genetic link would you want to be friends?  Do you actually enjoy being around them???  And if you answered no to more than one of those questions why are you so upset that they left you out?  Would you have really enjoyed the wedding?  Aren't you more than a little scared that your DD married a man like your ex and standing by and watching her go through what you went through and not being able to do anything about it would be horrible!!  And we all know that we cannot save our children from marrying the wrong person, we can only watch and ache.  So maybe being estranged is not as painful as being involved would be? 

Once I finally figured out that my DS was not the same person I raised and that his present day self was not someone I pined to be around he lost his ability to hurt me and my life made a drastic change for the better.  My DH and I plan things that we enjoy and do not take my DS into account during the planning.  We move holiday celebrations around to suit ourselves and if DS and DIL and GC decide to show up great, if not so what?  I did go to the wedding but only to keep him from holding it against me forever.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I would have avoided it if they had not invited me.  So now.....

Here you are, footloose and fancy free.  What have you always wanted to do?  Why don't you make plans to make it happen?  Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you can make it happy or you can dwell in the past.  A clear choice and it is all up to you!

Good luck!!
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Green Thumb on July 12, 2015, 07:20:59 pm
I am very sorry to read your story. I know you are hurting. This is very mean of them. I am sort of in your boat. My daughter is getting married this year, and while I am invited, I am the "odd man out" -- the ex and his new wife are all involved. New wife wants my kids to be her kids (they are all adults) because I guess her kids are not "good enough" or don't have much to do with her. My ex alienated some of my adult children just to justify his drinking and drug use and his causing the divorce. I find it shocking that everyone went to this wedding and did not tell you. I guess my advice would be to detach from this and just keep living your life. Make new friends, get new hobbies, do something fun everyday, go outside for a walk everyday. You can't make people be nice or like you, even your own children. Believe me, I know, I don't like some of my adult children and I sure don't like how they treat me. Stay strong and do what you need to do to regain your health. Now is your time for you to put you first. Sending you love.
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Pooh on July 13, 2015, 06:19:43 am
Hi Amber.  So sorry you are having to go through this.  You definitely do not deserved to be treated this way, but we learn around here that we don't get to make the decisions on how people act, unfortunately.  We did the best job we could as a parent, and now it is on them to decide the rest of their lives.  My story is similar, uninvolved Ex hubby with his sons, but yet one of them thinks he walks on water (after the divorce) and doesn't want anything to do with me.  The other, saw through him and pretty much doesn't have anything to do with him and stays close to me.  So there are two men, raised in the same environment, that took separate paths.

That shows that it truly isn't about us.  It's what they chose to accept or believe, see or not see.  Luise gave you great advice.  You are free also to chose your own path now.  Pick a path full of fun and adventure.  Our children do not define us as women.  They can add to it, but they do not govern how we decide to live our own lives.  Find something you love and go do it!
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: dedicatedmom on July 17, 2015, 07:58:18 pm
Oh you poor dear. I am in the same mess. My daughter is getting married in September and I'm not going because I too am odd man out since I finally left their a alcoholic father after 29 years. I have 3 daughters who have snubbed me. My son is still in my life but feels in the middle. My story has been shared here often but just know it's not you. It kills your soul if you let it. I too made myself sick over it but I'm trying to be happy despite them. I too did everything for them.This is a good place. Hang with us. It helps
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: kate123 on July 22, 2015, 02:16:58 am
Amber, your story is so much like many of the stories here, including mine. It can make you sick, and though I have no medical expertise, I believe I have read that your frame of mind can affect your immune system which will leave you open to many illnesses.
SL is so right, you have to realize that these are not people you want to spend any time with because they are not treating you right. It has taken me years to convince myself of that, but now for the most part I am there. However I still find myself trying to find out what is going on in their lives, but when I do it just cause pain so I am trying not to do even that anymore. So I hope you will not waste too much of your life fretting over people who don't care about you (as I did). Focus on the people that do care and make them your life, including yourself. :)
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Kate on August 02, 2015, 07:43:57 pm
Amber, I am so sorry you are going through this.  All I can say is that you are not alone, so many of us have the same experience and know how difficult it is to live through.  Look after yourself.  Spoil yourself as much as you are able.  Focus on and value yourself - you deserve to be happy.  Make a conscious decision to be happy ad to let go of the past.  It will improve in time - not necessarily the situation (that's out of your hands) but the way it affects you.  I've been there, I have survived it and life is actually pretty good. 
Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Caitriona on August 19, 2015, 03:50:20 pm
Same thing happened to me and I really, really understand your pain.  I have nothing else to offer you except empathy.

The first anniversary of my daughter's wedding was last week, so I am a bit of a wreck, more than usual.

Does anyone have any ideas about how or why this happened?  Could our daughters really just change for no reason?  I cry about this every day.  I have searched for "fun" and distractions, but I am still obsessed with "why"?????  What did I do to deserve this?  How could my daughter's husband and her in laws collude with this?  Did she lie about me?  If/when there are children will I be told about them?  Is she gone forever?

Title: Re: My AD didn't invite me to her wedding and hasn't spoken to me in 5 years
Post by: Pen on September 15, 2015, 03:32:11 pm

A dear friend of mine is experiencing something similar w/her DD. They were always so close and none of us imagined this could happen. My friend has decided to move on with her life, enjoy the GC when she gets the chance, and spend her time doing all the fun, "selfish" things she put off while raising her DD & DS. She's a big inspiration to me!

Luise once suggested we set a time limit on grieving/wallowing. Many of us need to grieve and might want to allow ourselves to do so, but setting a time limit keeps us from getting stuck in it.