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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:29:16 pm

Title: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:29:16 pm
1. We're not mentally ill.
2. We're not trying to break up our child's marriage.
3. We're not projecting our problems onto our DILs or whatever that mumbo jumbo is about.
4. We're not disordered either, personality wise.
5. We know our son/daughter are not responsible for our happiness.
6. Get over yourselves if you think we think our sons/daughters are not supposed to fly the nest.
7. We're not hoping our children will be our entertainment.
8. We're not burdening our sons/daughters with our lives.
9. We're not trying to sabotage our sons/daughters lives.
10. Grow up and while you're at it, get a heart.  We're not jealous of you, good Lord!  How could that be?  Let's see, no heart, no soul, no kindness, no thought for anyone else but yourselves and your little life.  You're sick of us?  Is that right.....tsk tsk. 
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 02, 2010, 06:39:38 pm
love it......we really should build ourselves up every day.....go chicky
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 06:44:02 pm
Entertainment??  Can't imagine...

Would we really want our adult children back and dependant on us again?  Nope!!!!  You can take care of that while I nap, thank you!

OK, you win!  You can 'ave em!  LOL!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 02, 2010, 06:46:33 pm
chicky I had not read the one from the other site. I am in totally agree with you.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 06:50:48 pm
I agree with you also.  I meant no disrespect by my sarcasm and I hope it wasn't taken that way.  I got a funny bone when I was trying to imagine the entertainment part...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:57:20 pm
I loved it... If they think we want them back here? Please, no sir! 

the "guests" on here love to read about us and put their take about us on other sites. They psychoanalyze us with their pathetic empty heads.  I'm mad.  I feel betrayed too.  We've been accommodating to all of them.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 02, 2010, 07:00:25 pm
my entertainment ?  LOL coco I dont even remember it but was told what I did in no uncertain terms. They should not have kept putting the chivars regal in front of me before I had anything to eat. It sounds like I put on an amazing show certainly one they will not forget. Apparantly everything I hated a about everyone just poured out of my mouth with a lot o %#@&%#@ and it was a highly religious wedding people from dublie.saudi arabia. sudan. etc
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 07:02:16 pm
I'm sorry, I'm dying laughing here!! I would have loved to have been there!  Did you dance on any tables?  HILARIOUS!!!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 07:17:26 pm
Yes!  Been there, don't that, bought the tee shirt, sold it in a yard sale and it was full of holes when it left.

Oh!  And the woman who bought it tried to return it!  I just can't imagine the "entertainment" part.  Oh my! Could they think???
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 07:24:41 pm
I'm dying here!  So was there really dancing on the tables, etc.???  ROFLOL (rolling on the floor laughing out loud!)  You poor thing!  Should have brought a body guard with you!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 02, 2010, 07:27:06 pm
no but I was doing some stupid stuff with all the young ones  God only knows what that was  apparantly I was trying to shimmey  glad you are laughing  I can too now 4 years later
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 07:33:48 pm
I'm sorry...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 07:45:31 pm
Oh, chickiebaby.  I believe you have opened a can of worms with the simple visual of the word "entertainment," in association with our grown children!  I'm not sure anyone could imagine or visualize the possibility of being entertained at our ages...  That is one of the greatest and most entertaining thoughts I could imagine or visualize at this point!  Your words have been well thought out!!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 07:48:12 pm
I don't allow myself to get mad very often but reading what they said made me mad and it made me feel betrayed.   Entertainment, my left brain. 
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 02, 2010, 07:52:43 pm
I am really sorry.  I didn't mean any disrespect here.  I will sign off now and really, apologise.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 07:56:51 pm
You didn't do anything wrong, COCO!!!  I sent you a PM!!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 08:25:15 pm
Coco, you are such a delight here. I'm so glad you are with us. 
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 02, 2010, 09:05:48 pm
Hi what happened....Am I missing something...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cremebrulee on January 03, 2010, 03:38:22 am
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:57:20 pm
I loved it... If they think we want them back here? Please, no sir! 

the "guests" on here love to read about us and put their take about us on other sites. They psychoanalyze us with their pathetic empty heads.  I'm mad.  I feel betrayed too.  We've been accommodating to all of them.


Thats ok Chickie...we don't care...look at the good in what has happened...there have been very kind DIL's who have joined this site...and they are amazing girls...so, the others, pssst....remember, you see others as you yourself would be....here's an example....I write poetry, and had been posting for years...some got it, some saw sexual context within them....why?  Because that is who they are and how they think...there will always be people who find fault who despise, who can't see past they're own noses...as you can see, whenever there is a difference of opinion, they flock here like flies to read...it/s entertainment for them....and someone is going back and writing those members...small minds, small worlds...yanno?  But there are some, who truly want to know a MIL's point of view....and that's what it's all about...the support here is fabulous not to mention, the willingness not to judge adding to that...the positive feedback and awareness of all these girls....it's great...so, ignore those who would want to be contradictive and point fingers in a manner which puts you down...they have to put you down to make themselves feel better...they have to find fault, and accuse, b/c that is they're life...they don't care about feelings, they want results and to cause misery...misery loves company....
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cremebrulee on January 03, 2010, 04:01:07 am
We've been accussed of having mental issues...and not wanting to let go of our sons...it's been suggested that we MIL's want to cause problems with our son's wives...

They read and see what they want to see, and are not able to view perspectives and insight from another point of view...especially if we don't agree with them...that's ok....

I know that everyone here, wants they're son's to be happy, and if the DIL's cause dissarry with they're inlaws...then we're accussed of wanting our son's to make a choice, to even leave they're wives....I have no desire to have my son back in that way...what I want is a relationship that is in sync...and not have everything I say twisted or taken as a negative comment. 

I wrote before about my son's friends coming to visit...it was so refreshing...and I was told, that all my son's friends are not only shocked by my son's behavior, but also angry with him and do not like my DIL....one of them told himNOT to marry her.  So, it isn't just me, and it certainly isn't any of you....

Do you want your son's to be successful, yes...do you want a relationship with them, yes...but not as before, when they were growing up...our son's are adults now...and it is expected of them to leave the nest, take a wife and pursue they're own lives...including us in them....once in a while.  e are not and never can be again, the woman in our son's liives, but...we will always be they're mothers....

I never had a problem with young women before...and I was told, that some of my son's friends wanted to contact him and ask him why he is putting his head in the sand.  I asked them not to do that...one, it sparks up fuel to the fire again, and our son's take it as they're wives are being berated...two...it would depress them and put them in the middle....and I won't do that...we are talking now, and if my DIL want to act so immature, so be it....there is nothing I can do to make her like me...it is enough, that my son's friends do and have validated my feelings about this entire situation...it's given me strength and comfort...and I know nothing is ever going to change...if someone wants change, they work it out together like mature adults..but our DIL's are not mature adults...they come from broken homes...and never really had love before...perhaps our son's are the first persons in they're lives who have given them love and attention....therefore, they are going to hold onto that, at all costs....

When those women accuse us of being mentally ill...or the cause of our problems....let me tell you this...those are closed minded people who will someday bring they're own problems upon themselves....they have children...they are growing older...someday, all the bad karma they inflicted upon others, will come back to haunt them....so Ladies, rest assure, all is well.  I wonder, how many DIL's would agree to go to counseling with they're MIL"s.  Only those, like the DIL's here who are willing and want to work things out....

Again...this is not the norm...they're are many DIL's who have fantastic relationships with they're MIL's.  Our family never had this before....or knew it existed...we all got along so well...we were all a close family...and Ladies...with all our faults, with all our DIL's faults...I bet anything, if something happened, we'd be the first ones to defend them....I don't hate my DIL and neither do any of you...the same with the DIL's here...and that is the difference...I'm not at all fond of my DIL's behavior, but, hey, that's her...and if she were not like that, I wouldn't be on this site or have need for support...

So, again, I say...Ladies...you are valid in your feelings and don't ever allow someone to tell you otherwise...we are not women who want this turmoil...we only wan to love our son's and they're wives...encourage them to go forward, encourage them to succeeed, we do not want to run they're , lives, or they're children...we only want to have some kind of relationship with them, that does not entail jealousy and bad feelings against us...or taking things that we say, as a personal attack against who they are....sheesh...?????

Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cremebrulee on January 03, 2010, 04:13:23 am
I also want to add, I'm having a lot of contact with my son now...more then ever...he is very concsiencious about contacting me which is normal...I'm pleased with that, and as his friend pointed out..."He's starting to realize, your his mother and it's important to have contact with you....and maybe in his heart, he knows what is REALLY going on."  I think she's right...so, the door is always open to my DIL...will she ever come around...probly not...but that is her choice...her decission...what I won't allow is for her to treat me and talk to me as she has done in the past...so Chickie...I am not or no longer will be a victim...I love my son, and feel very sorry for my DIL...as my sister once said to me...Your DIL is really missing out, and causing her own husband to miss out...I looked at her wondering why she said that...and asked her what she meant...she said..."Because they will never know you like we know you...and that's very sad".  All these years...thru immaturity and selfishness  adding these women are very angry souls...due to they're past lives...and they will never allow they're husbands to have outside interests, even if that means...distancing them from they're families...so, accept it, and move on, wish them the best, and don't give up hope, but by all means, don't cause any problems between them....allow they're lives to play out...I knever ask my son about my DIL any more and refuse to discuss the issue with him...he can't do anything about it...but whaqt he has done and proved, is, that he will still contact his mother and he tells her he loves her, and we now have very productive conversations...his life, is his...his choice, and that is none of my business....if I choose to share stories of what happened, what hurt me, fine...but, in the end...I have a life...and I plan to live it...regardless...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 04:34:34 am
Hi Girls, I just want ot say. I like this site and I am not interested about any of the other sites which I do not know anything about. I truly hope this site does not become bitchy because I do not want to be involved in any thing that is not good for all that are here  I am sure the founder of this site only wants the best for us... truly   D
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 05:13:10 am
HEAR   HEAR

WE ARE NOT A HATE SITE

WE ARE A LOVE ONLY SITE
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 07:12:48 am
Oops!  Gotcha!  Gues I was a little slow there!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: Pen on January 03, 2010, 10:26:57 am
I don't want to focus on those other sites, either. It's too much for my poor little brain and fragile emotional state ;)

But seriously, our site has been so supportive that I would be sad if we became the MIL version of what it sounds like those DIL sites are (haven't spent time on them, obviously.)

Love the list, Chickie! As a fairly new MIL who put a lot of effort into backing off and giving the newly weds their space, I know for sure I am not any of those things. It's been over a year - still waiting for an invite to their house that doesn't involve helping them move.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 03, 2010, 10:32:43 am
That put it well, Penstamen....we don't want to become like that.  I'm too fragile too so keep me in check here.  I need it.  I need slapping occasionally.

Trying to get back on a right track.... :)
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 10:36:57 am
Being a newbie to this, I wasn't aware that some other site was watching.  I guess that's dumb in itself, but I'm really glad if they are.  Maybe they will see we are really not the crazy MIL's they had hoped for!   LOL! 

Well, most of the time anyway! Now, where did I put that paddle!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 10:58:32 am
I just can't help but see humor in the DIL sites watching...  What are they looking for??  I guess I just can't get past the thought of them imagining that we are so crazy and must be watched.  LOL! ;D
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 03, 2010, 11:06:55 am
It is funny when you think about it.  A bunch of 3rd graders, who can't spell watching us so they can learn how to treat their MILs.  They think we're narcissists.  Everyone is a narcissist. 

I'm getting less mad now. We are supposed to get really upset when our "N" supply gets low.  My "N" supply must be full now so I'll move on.  What a freak show.   But, I digress....back to the feature presentation.  ;D

Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cremebrulee on January 03, 2010, 11:20:14 am
That's right Chickie, it is kindergarden...but I bet of all those gals who are viewing, there are one or two who do understand and/or want to....remember how it was when you were young?  Do you remember fearing not belonging to a crowd or group?  So you went along with them....b/c you feared standing up for your own personal institutions....well, that is how it is now...but sooner or later, the ones like our DIL's here...and I do think of them as our DIL's...they will figure it out...believe me...

there are some really great DIL's out there....more then not....it's just that we ended up getting the short end of the stick...hey...poop happens, but I still believe, and will not give up on the idea, that something good comes from bad...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 03, 2010, 11:32:45 am
I agree!  And the DIL's out there will be going through the same thing when their children are grown.   Karma never stops.  We never stop learning...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: justus on January 03, 2010, 02:36:56 pm
Hi everyone. I will admit that I post on that other site because of my own M who is a nightmare. I have had one MIL from heck and my current MIL has issues, but we get along quite well. I have worked hard at being a good mom to my adult children and I am a pretty good MIL to my one Son-in-law. I do have issues with my SD, but we get along mostly. So, thats me.

I had to respond to this post because I think it is a bit off the mark.

First off, the DILs who post on that other site were not referring to any of you personally. They went to that site for help just like you all came here for help. Most often, the newbies are begging for help with getting along with their MILs. They would love to have MILs like you who are willing to work on the the R, who are willing to take ownership of their problems and do what they can to have at least a civil R at the very least. Many of them would love to have a close R with their MILs. Unfortunately, their MILs, the woman they refer to, and the odds are that is not any of you personally, are not willing or maybe not able to understand their own part in the problems. Some are able to heal their R with their MIL, some are not and end up cutting them off out of self-preservation.

So, some of the things on the list might be true for their specific situation. In my situation, my M would love to have me back under her thumb. It was my job in my family to take care of her. I cannot do that if I am happily M and not living with her. Be her entertainment? Oh, heck yes. She does not get along with my F very well and they don't like the same things. When I was living with her, she always had me to drag along shopping or to see a movie or to go on a trip. Before I was M, she often when on vacations with me and my children. She saw my DH as competition for my  and my children's affections. I assure you my M is diagnosable. She successfully broke up my first M and is furious that I am still happily married to DH.

Just like there are some pretty messed up DILs out there who are intentionally alienating their Hs from their families, there are MILs who are all of those things on that list.

This comes to the last reason I felt I had to post. The one thing I learned from my M's bad modeling is that I must always be the adult in my R with my children. It is my job to always be loving and accepting of them. This doesn't mean that I am a doormat or that I take bad treatment from them. This means that I set and respect boundaries, and I give them space when they need it even if my instinct is to hold them closer. There are times they will pull away from me and other times they will need me desperately and I must follow their lead in knowing when those time are upon us. They are growing, changing human beings who are learning what it is to be an independant adult in this world. When they pull away, it isn't personal and when they need me, it isn't permanent. The best think I can do for them is to respect their boundaries even when I don't like or agree with them. My mantra is "it isn't personal, it isn't about me."

That some of you took what was written on another board so personally even though it wasn't about you is a huge part of the problem you have with your children and their spouses. The thing is, it just isn't about you. We are no longer the center of our children's universe and we have to stop acting like we are or expecting to be treated that way. I know, many of us would settle for just a corner or even to look in occasionally and we start to feel sorry for ourselves if we don't get what we want or think we deserve. I have been guilty of this, too. I found that gracefully accepting what I got and always being supportive without being pushy or nosy was the solution. They have to live their own lives and having cut off my own M for her abusive behavior, I feel lucky they want me to be a part of it.

Seriously, some of the DILs on that board have very sick MILs. It is a mistake to take what they write and think it applies to you. BTW, I agree they are a bit obsessed with narcissism. But what is narcissism but a label for a cluster of specific behaviors? They are just applying that label to some common behaviors in the same way a bunch of counselors would as a sort of short hand. I have been told that my M is an N by people on the board, however, my psychologist DH has her diagnosed with something quite different.

Anyway, hope I haven't offended anyone. This board serves a wonderful function for those who truly want to patch things up with their children/DILs.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: Peace on January 03, 2010, 06:30:07 pm
 I guess I am glad I don't know anything about the "the other site".
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 03, 2010, 06:37:16 pm
JUSTUS    I do not know anything about the site you are talking about, I am also not offended by anything said there because it really is none of my business. I am on this site for MILs and I hope to stay here and as I progress help others.

PLEASE MILs ONLY STAY ON THIS SITE  so there is no upsets
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: RedRose on January 03, 2010, 06:38:16 pm
Justus.....

"This board serves a wonderful function for those who truly want to patch things up with their children/DILs."

YES...this is what this board should be about
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: greeneyes100 on January 04, 2010, 03:52:21 am
This site is for caring and sharing  lets just go with the flow
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: isitme? on January 04, 2010, 10:42:42 am
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 02, 2010, 06:29:16 pm
1. We're not mentally ill.
2. We're not trying to break up our child's marriage.
3. We're not projecting our problems onto our DILs or whatever that mumbo jumbo is about.
4. We're not disordered either, personality wise.
5. We know our son/daughter are not responsible for our happiness.
6. Get over yourselves if you think we think our sons/daughters are not supposed to fly the nest.
7. We're not hoping our children will be our entertainment.
8. We're not burdening our sons/daughters with our lives.
9. We're not trying to sabotage our sons/daughters lives.
10. Grow up and while you're at it, get a heart.  We're not jealous of you, good Lord!  How could that be?  Let's see, no heart, no soul, no kindness, no thought for anyone else but yourselves and your little life.  You're sick of us?  Is that right.....tsk tsk.


Wow chickie!  I really wish you could send this list to my FMIL!  I think some DILs could easily reverse this list too!!!

Maybe we should all write a book together and call it "when bad families happen to good people"...  I think this is really the only website I've seen that truly has the shared perspective of both MILs and DILs and I think/hope we are all a lot happier and stronger for it!  :)

Thanks.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 10:52:40 am
I was on a roll  ;D

I think the list could be reversed too...many times.
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 04, 2010, 05:54:56 pm
Chickebaby!  I'm begining to think you are always on a roll!  You were the first one here to make me feel welcome, and I've been entertained, informed, sat up crying, rolled with laughter till I hurt myself, and couldn't wait to get on here and see what you doing tonight!

And,  I've only been here for 4 days!!.......
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 06:11:43 pm
You're precious, Coco!  I'm glad you're here. What a joy you are...
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 04, 2010, 06:25:56 pm
Well, add one more thing to your list;

WE ARE NOT BORING!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 04, 2010, 06:37:28 pm
I know...no boring!  I can do anything but I can't do boring.  I'm glad there are plenty of opinions and lots of love here too.  Everybody is sweet....is it okay to be sweet these days?  You never know, sweet might be a mental condition and we don't know about it yet.  :-[
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: cocobars on January 04, 2010, 06:40:55 pm
ROFLOL!!!!
Title: Re: What we aren't
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 06, 2010, 02:10:44 pm
thank you, Anna.....I was on a roll.  ! :-[!