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General Category => Grab Bag => Topic started by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 05:28:06 pm

Title: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 05:28:06 pm
This is about my bestfriend and her sister I don't really know how to handle without hurting my BFF.  A little back story I met my bff back in my late teen years at a job.  We got close in our 20's and now into our 30's.  Her sister use to work with us too and she and her sister are super close.  So of course it was always just knowen her sister would be invited usually too.  I truley had no problem it back then and I really don't have to much of a problem with it now.  When we do our friends get together her sister is always included.  I always knew her sister was standoffish but I didn't truely feel the pain until the birth of my bff son. 

The first time was when I offered to make her a invitation for her baby shower.  I make all of DD on the computer though a software program that i have been working on for a few years now because its not an easy program to work.  She told me her sister wanted to do it so I backed off.  Well shortly before the invites went out I got a texted asking for me to give step by step instruction on how to do the program.  I explained to my BFF that it wasn't that easy but I would be more then willing to show her sister.  She informs me later her sister just went out and bought regular invites that she (sister) could figure it. 

A few other things have happen but this weekend it was so uncomforable.  Over the weekend we got together for lunch with my BFF, her husband and sister.  BFF and I made plans and it was my idea to include her sister.(I know aweful of me right)  The vibe from the table was so negitive even my DH could feel it as he told me it before I even said a word.  BFF's sister I will start calling her BFFS does photography.  BFF told me if I need pictures done for DD it would be helpful to BFFS to have her do them since she is starting up a bussiness.  I was like ok but our state is basically a water mess right now due to all the storms.  Well at lunch I sit down hello and a while later we are talking about pictures so i say "YOur going to do DD pictures right." She responded with "Yeah I guess."  Wow to show you enjoy your work.  Then tying to make conversation I ask about prices and she responds "Go look on the website."  BFF jokingly says "BFFS you need to sell yourself."   Then later BFF's son who is still a baby was holding his bottle all by himself.  We both are pretty busy so I haven't seen her in a few months.  I said "ahh he can hold his bottle."  Where I get the response from BFFS "Yeah he's been doing it for a while now." In a snotty voice.  My bff made me laugh inside when she replyed "Actually he just started doing that"   I don't get why a comment like that was needed at all I was just commenting how big he was getting.  When bff and I were talking kids stuff she turned away when I was telling BFF some of the stuff I did when DD was a baby.  We were just having a little chit chat nothing serious or judging but you could tell she didn't like it. I truly believe that she does not like the fact that BFF calls me an Aunt.  Truthfully its none of her business. 
And now I feel trapped about pictures I don't know if it's a good idea if BFFS takes them for me.  I mean I think if I have a suggestion or say I don't like something I might get my head bitten off.  I don't want to hurt my bff but I just don't know how to let them know without being mean that I don't feel comfortable.  She is going to ask why and this is her sister so its not going to be easy to hear.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 05:42:28 pm
I wonder if a moment of truth isn't approaching when you are going to pull back because the "package deal" isn't working for you and there's not way to be "politically correct." My guess is that's what I'd do. Sending love...
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 05:47:59 pm
If it were only that simple.  But my BFFS said if the packaged need to be tweeked we could do that.  Futher to be honest I am not sure if I want to continue to invite someone who doesn't want to really be around me.  Flat out her sister does not like me.  I think in part because well before me she was the only one her sister was close too. 
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 06:14:38 pm
That's what I meant. I simply isn't working. Sending love...
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 06:18:54 pm
Quote from: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 06:14:38 pm
That's what I meant. I simply isn't working. Sending love...


ok
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: Pen on May 30, 2011, 06:48:13 pm
Good luck, SassyDI. You're in a sticky situation. I hope all comes out OK for all involved.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 30, 2011, 06:53:16 pm
Quote from: Pen on May 30, 2011, 06:48:13 pm
Good luck, SassyDI. You're in a sticky situation. I hope all comes out OK for all involved.


LOL thanks.  Its so hard too because the one person I go for advice is the one person I can't go to right now.  I really care for her but really I can't keep getting smacked in the face by her sister.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 08:22:35 pm
Well, you've got us!  :)
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 31, 2011, 03:58:48 am
Quote from: luise.volta on May 30, 2011, 08:22:35 pm
Well, you've got us!  :)


Thank you I truley mean that.  Going to bite the bullet soon or later.  Just not ready yet.  I guess I have to think if our friendship is strong enough it will be ok if it isn't maybe it was never as strong as I thought it was.  I have no ill will towards her sister I just don't feel like being abused by snotty comments when I am paying good money to have something done.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: seasons on May 31, 2011, 04:32:41 am
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on May 31, 2011, 04:40:53 am
Quote from: seasons on May 31, 2011, 04:32:41 am
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.


They are for DD 3rd birthday I want new pictures and have a local park in mind.  My sis's FSIL uses a place for reasonablly priced pictures and I want to use that person instead.  I think its a better idea.  My bff was hoping by using me BFFS could have more pictures besides her's to use on BFFS webpage.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: seasons on May 31, 2011, 05:36:27 am
Quote from: seasons on May 31, 2011, 04:32:41 am
Often it isn't a good idea to employ friends or relatives for jobs because you will not be able to maintain the detached professional relationship that is necessary in order to negotiate a good contract and later assess whether what you wanted is indeed what has been delivered.  Resentments often occur in even the best-intended situations.  The rule seems to be that money and duties to relatives or friends make a potentially explosive mixture.  How badly do you need those pictures anyway?  Wouldn't it be nice, and oh so peaceful, to just let it all slide... 

My family has no idea how often I have engaged in a little sanity-saving forgetfulness ...  at various times ...  in my life.


They are for DD 3rd birthday I want new pictures and have a local park in mind.  My sis's FSIL uses a place for reasonablly priced pictures and I want to use that person instead.  I think its a better idea.  My bff was hoping by using me BFFS could have more pictures besides her's to use on BFFS webpage.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: seasons on May 31, 2011, 05:39:21 am
Oh. 
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: Pooh on May 31, 2011, 06:54:02 am
I am with Luise.  I think it is time to have a heart-to-heart with BFF and be truthful.  I think the way you have phrased everything about it here is very nice.  Since BFF was present during all the comments, I would hope she would understand. 
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: cd1029 on May 31, 2011, 09:44:18 am
Get someone else to do your pictures.  there is too much drama with the sister.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 05:35:05 am
Well I spoke to her yesterday I was honest and told her how I was feeling.  She listened and said she didn't see what I was talking about and that her sister has a lot on her plate.  That her sister has never said anything about not liking me.  She said it hurt her to hear it because she loves her sister so much but she knows I am not doing it to be mean.  We talked some more and hung up as I had to get DD to bed and she had to go get her son up from his evening nap.  Today or tomorrow taking DD over to the park i wanted pics at because I found out you have to pay a fee if professional is using the park now that I wanted to use.  Hoping DD is good.(bribing her with ice cream)
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: Pooh on June 01, 2011, 05:37:46 am
You needed to do that even if BFF doesn't see it the same way.  I would be willing to bet she is just so used to how her sister is, she doesn't see it.  It's good that she said that she knew you were not trying to be mean.

Ice cream would work for me!
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: holliberri on June 01, 2011, 06:01:08 am
...she may see it now, SassyDI.  :)
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on June 01, 2011, 06:04:03 am
Sounds like it went well. Keeping my fingers crossed that your BFF will keep her relationship with you and her relationship with her sister separate.  :)

I honestly don't know how I would handle the "I like you, but not your sibling" convo. DB is kinda pulling that line with my DH. "Your okay, but DH isn't".... Bleh!
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 06:07:38 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on June 01, 2011, 06:04:03 am
Sounds like it went well. Keeping my fingers crossed that your BFF will keep her relationship with you and her relationship with her sister separate.  :)

I honestly don't know how I would handle the "I like you, but not your sibling" convo. DB is kinda pulling that line with my DH. "Your okay, but DH isn't".... Bleh!


But I don't dislike her sister at all.  I don't like the way she is treating me there is a big difference.   I think her sister dislikes me.  I  never told her she can't hang out with us. 
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on June 01, 2011, 07:15:18 am
Quote from: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 06:07:38 am
But I don't dislike her sister at all.  I don't like the way she is treating me there is a big difference.   I think her sister dislikes me.  I  never told her she can't hang out with us.


Color me confused.... Soooooooo, what exactly are you hoping for here? I'm really finding it difficult to understand. Do you want BFF to tell sis, "Hey, be nicer to Sassy?" I'm so confused. It sounded like you don't want to hang out with BFF's Sis because she is unkind to you, but you still want to hang out with BFF.

There is nothing you or BFF or anyone can do to make BFF Sis nicer to you.

This is the impression that I have gotten from all of this. Even though this isn't what you said, this may be what BFF heard or what gets translated to/heard by BFF Sis. "Sassy thinks you don't like her because you are being rude to her. She wants you to stop." BFF Sis might retaliate to that and it could end bad, even though your intentions are pure.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 09:49:29 am
What could she possiably do to me?
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: AnonymousDIL on June 01, 2011, 10:07:40 am
Blood is thicker than water. You could lose a good friend.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 10:10:34 am
Quote from: AnonymousDIL on June 01, 2011, 10:07:40 am
Blood is thicker than water. You could lose a good friend.
Then she was never a true friend.
Title: Re: How to handle without hurting someone I care about so much.
Post by: SassyDI on June 01, 2011, 10:16:41 am
We have been though a lot in 11 years.  I have no ill will towards her sister so I really don't truley see sour crienship ending..