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Problem Solving => Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws => Topic started by: Kinzey on October 16, 2009, 02:40:55 pm

Title: boundaries
Post by: Kinzey on October 16, 2009, 02:40:55 pm
Hey wonderful ladies!
So in the past couple of days my husband and I have realized how tight money has been and now that he is approaching graduation the only place that has offered him a job is back in his hometown. Because he graduates in a short few weeks we are running out of time. Neither one of us is making good money where we are and even though I have my college degree, my job still doesn't pay well. We decided together that we need to go where the jobs are and that is back in his hometown/city where his parents live. My parents live 2 hours from there. So when he went there for his second interview yesterday we decided we needed to have the boundaries talk with his parents when we tell them we are moving there. PLEASE tell me if these boundaries are too harsh!
1. We will visit once a week unless it is a special occaision.
2. They are not allowed to just drop by, they need to call
3. We actually might be expecting our first child (we'll find out soon) if that is the case we will not use them as babysitters unless necessary. I don't want my kids to have favortism towards one set of grandparents and I do not agree with my in laws cussing issue and how controlling they tend to be. They don't even follow our instructions when they have taken care of our dog so I'm not sure they would do it for our baby.
4. They will not be in the delivery room. My own parents are not allowed in there either.
5. We will pick our own church and not go to theirs. My husband is non denomination and I am Baptist so we would like to choose a church that fits us both.
6. They need to respect our privacy and our need to build our own family and traditions.
7. We will rotate Christmas and Thanksgiving between families. My brother, sister and their spouses and us have arranged it so we will always spend Christmas on the same year together. On those years we spend Thanksgiving with the other family. The other years are with our in laws and my parents will use their off year to travel. They love that idea!
Please tell me if I sound unreasonable and if this would make you as mother angry.
lots of love to you all!
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: mom2 on October 16, 2009, 03:12:34 pm
Kinzey,

Congrats on the move and maybe/baby !

I feel your boundaries are ok for the most part but as a MIL, I think if I had been told " I couldn't be in the delivery room" my first response would be " What made you assume I did ? " . In other words, try to be sure  what lines you know they would cross. Not all MIL would want to do that .. I didn't.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: just2baccepted on October 16, 2009, 06:21:17 pm
You sound reasonable to me.  It depends on their personalities though.  You may have to be firm and reinforce the boundaries once in awhile.  I hope it all works out for you.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on October 16, 2009, 08:08:52 pm
I just don't "get it".  I'm sorry, I just don't.  I know everyone has these boundaries and I guess that's good but what ever happened to common courtesies?  All these rules for one little Mom and Dad. 

I hope I don't sound harsh when I say this, I don't mean it but must you out and out say, like rules to a child, what they can and can't do before they even do them?  These people must be not normal, otherwise you wouldn't have to have all these rules.

I saw where you said they cussed.  That's not acceptable to me and I'm sure to many others who have a thimble full of class, especially around kids.

Okay, they need to call first, that's great.  I remember when my inlaws would call and ask if they could come over and it really hurt my feelings.  My thoughts were, "my gosh, what is this an Emily Post convention where manners of the Queen are observed?"

I think if rules had been laid out to me when DIL and son married, I would have been devasted.  It was made clear, though through her actions so I guess the rules would have been kinder. It was perfectly clear when she would fold her arms and snarl when son wanted to come by.  It wasn't worth it. What a witch.

A list of rules for the Mom and Dad of his parents. It's always so strange to me that her parents just know their boundaries automatically.

I just feel very sensitive to this because I've been there.  Just don't pay any attention to me.  How much more can we take? 
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: mom2 on October 17, 2009, 10:07:17 am
I also feel some boundaries are good But some of it can also be viewed as control.

There were so many many times that my DIL needed to just get over herself and know that the world didn't evolve around her. I just don't know what makes someone think they are so great and like a piece of candy MIL can't have or better yet, even wants.

Delivery room ? YUCK ! I know I never ever wanted to to that. visiting once a week? ( maybe MIL would feel that is too often) and the best one is babysitting.... even though we love our grandbabies, aside from the joy, THAT IS WORK !   
                                                            just my thoughts.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: mom2 on October 17, 2009, 03:31:02 pm
I agree with chickiebaby that rules are for a child. Time lets everyone involved figure out the other persons likes and dislikes without a list.

Can I ask the DiL's on this site to answer a question? and be honest.
How would you feel if as soon as your got married your MIL handed you a list of boundaries and this is what it said.

1).Don't come to my house uninvited or unannounced.
2) don't attend my  church, please find your own.
3).We will not be babysitting your future children unless it is an emergency.
4) I am not going into the delivery room with you.
5) you may only spend every other holiday at my house because we rotate.
6). you need to respect my privacy.
7) you may only visit my home once a week unless it is a special occasion

Be honest here girls, you would be very offended that your in laws even thought you wanted to do these things.
How dare they ! Right ? and I wouldn't blame you for feeling like that, furthermore, you probably would not even want to go to their house after that.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Kinzey on October 17, 2009, 05:15:11 pm
Hey you guys,
They only reason why we feel we need to have this talk is because all of these issues have been problems in the past and they have been vocal about their opinions. I don't feel they have been respectful of us as a married couple and have told us many times how we should do things. They have told us that we should leave our kids with them so I can work and I'm wanting to stay home if it is financial possible. I don't want to disrespect them and I want to do the right thing for my family. In my opinion they act like they are the only ones who are right and we have to do what they say. Their personalites tend to be harder to handle  my husband agrees we should talk to them. They have had a hard time respecting our privacy and that needs to be addressed but I want it to be as hurt free as possible.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: just2baccepted on October 17, 2009, 09:32:43 pm
I understand how the MIL's feel but I think the place where Kinzey may be coming from is that she's more of a private person and likes her alone time and there nothing wrong with that.  Her IL family on the other hand seems very close and open and are probably more extroverted.   I think Kinzey just doesn't want to be dominated by people that may or may not be dominating.  I agree with what Mom2 said about being handed a list of "boundaries" right from the beginning.  That's probably not a great idea.  But let's just say you were dealing with someone at work who was domineering, would you draw a line or a boundary to protect yourself?  I really don't think Kinzey sounds like she's being mean or is wanting to hurt her new IL's because she's jealous and insecure like some of the MIL's DIL's on this site.  Kinzey is newly married women with a different personality from her new family.  Sometimes that can be overwhelming.  My hubby is very introverted and he had a hard time with my overbearing family as well.  All I could is apologize to him because I didn't know how to put up boundaries with my family.  All I know is that some people need to be given boundaries if they make you feel uncomfortable.  My IL's have never been overbearing like this at all, they just criticize me behind my back and try to cause problems between me and my husband, I really don't know which is worse.   
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: mom2 on October 18, 2009, 08:14:03 am
Kinzey may not want to hurt her IL's but" she will" . I see a destroyed family in the making here and a son who is going to help accomplish that. It's just out of order for a son to go to his mom and set boundaries. How about friendly conversation?  These young men do act like robots!.

If I had known then what I know now I would have had the mind set that I was attending a funeral instead of a wedding because that is exactly what I did. I basically saw my son for the last time.

I don't know but am beginning to wonder if us getting the " list " on the wedding day isn't the best thing so we could be spared the heartache of all this. Maybe part of the ceremony should be " Could someone please present Mom with her list".

We don't want to take your place as a wife, we don't want to raise your children or invade your home! all we wanted was to not be stripped of motherhood just because our sons took a wife.. but sadly that was taken away from us. The DIL does hold all the keys for the future.

Who really is the biggest loser here? the mom who  lost a son and grand children ? a son who lost his family ties?
or the DIL who made all this possible and has to live with that ?





Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Pen on October 18, 2009, 08:36:26 am
How about keeping the list for you and your husband to refer to, but don't give it to your ILs? There are gentler, kinder ways to let them know your boundaries! There may be a learning curve, but we all learn better and more quickly when we're not stressed. I've had a terrible MIL and a great MIL and now I'm apparently a monster MIL, so I've seen many sides of this issue. BTW, monster that my DIL thinks I am, I've never done the drop-in or given unwanted advice or criticised my son and DIL, although they have done all of those things to us, many times. I feel like handing them a list  ;)
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: luise.volta on October 19, 2009, 01:35:26 pm

I just posted on this subject on another thread. I think there are people who need to respect boundaries and don't even have a clue what they are...and there are others that don't need to give them a thought.

Setting boundaries can be a very rational thing to do but being obsessed with them can reflect deep insecurity, masked as hostility, don't you think?


Those who lack boundaries are sometimes unable to say "no".
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: AnnieB on October 27, 2009, 08:04:36 am
It's hard to judge on this one, not knowing how much conflict and talk has gone on in the past!

Rules and boundaries are good and clear.   

For me, I would be in shock if a DIL son handed these to me if I hadn't crossed these before and been told what the rules were and had problems with them.

If I'd crossed them and been told already and hadn't crossed them again, I'd be pretty defensive and not take it well.

If I had crossed them, been told and didn't listen,  I'd probably laugh it off and would cross them again and these would then be useful tools as a reference.

So, I think only Kinzey and her hubby know if handing them the rules is gonna start a fire or help keep one from starting!

Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Kinzey on October 27, 2009, 08:49:21 am
To kind of clear things up, boundaries have been crossed by my in laws and they have been asked to back off a few time and they have chosen not to respect our wishes. But boundaries were crossed long before my husband even met me. I was told by his friends and cousins that he has gotten into screaming matches with his parents over situations where they invaded his privacy and showed a total lack of respect for him as an adult. Things just got more complicated when I came along. All of the situations I listed in the first post have been things that have come up in the past.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: AnnieB on October 27, 2009, 09:39:44 am
Ha!  Sounds like you might want to post these on the door then!  (not really, but there were moments with my own mother when my husband and I would have liked to have done that)
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: just2baccepted on October 27, 2009, 10:42:42 am
I was told by his friends and cousins that he has gotten into screaming matches with his parents over situations where they invaded his privacy and showed a total lack of respect for him as an adult

For me this would be too overwhelming, whether it came from my family or his.  I'm very sensitive to people who try to control me.  Because of my non confrontational personality I've had to step away from domineering family members.  An uncle who sexually harassed me for five years that knew I was upset about the sexual attention he was giving me and he continued to do it.  I stepped away and have not seen him in 3 years.  He saw me at the Wal mart and I just turned and walked the other way.  he saw me and was upset and didn't understand why that occurred.  Those are  the people that will continue to cross your boundaries, your only defense is to walk away and keep them out of your life.

I'm not saying Kinzey needs to do that, I'm just saying that sometimes it has to be done.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 05, 2009, 05:37:04 am
Quote from: mom2 on October 17, 2009, 03:31:02 pmCan I ask the DiL's on this site to answer a question? and be honest.
How would you feel if as soon as your got married your MIL handed you a list of boundaries and this is what it said.

1).Don't come to my house uninvited or unannounced.
2) don't attend my  church, please find your own.
3).We will not be babysitting your future children unless it is an emergency.
4) I am not going into the delivery room with you.
5) you may only spend every other holiday at my house because we rotate.
6). you need to respect my privacy.
7) you may only visit my home once a week unless it is a special occasion


1. That's common courtesy, and I expect the same from them.
2. I'm not Christian, so that's not even remotely a problem. :P
3. I'm not having children, so again, not a problem.  I wouldn't expect them to babysit even if I were to have children, however; they have jobs and lives of their own.
4. I wouldn't want them there.
5. Honestly, my ILs are pretty terrible cooks, so I'd much rather go to my mom and dad's for a meal I know I'll be able to eat (I have a lot of issues with foods that might kill me).
6. Of course I do!  Mutual respect all around!
7. Sounds good to me.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if I got a list of rules from my ILs.  They're control freaks.  Fortunately they live half a continent away and haven't visited in five years.  ;D  Having previously had issues with my ILs, I would absolutely set down ground rules if they ever came to visit again.  I gave them a chance, and they blew it.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: mom2 on December 05, 2009, 09:06:11 pm
Fortunately they live half a continent away and haven't visited in five years.

Assling, ( sp )

I can see why they haven't visited you in five years.. no wonder.  As far as you not being a Christian.. that is obvious !!

You want to talk about all the mean things your husbands mother did to him but you are doing something just as bad by taking his family out of his life; and if your reply would be that DH doesn't want them in his life just save it.

You seem to be very bitter and you don't want to work on your issues with your in laws.. you want to bash  Mothers.

Your posts are just mean and ugly; there are other dils on here that certainly don't act like that !! That's such a waste.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 02:41:27 am
Very Freudian typo with my name, there, mom2.  Please, don't hold back.

I have done absolutely nothing to take my sweetie away from his FOO.  I offered to move out there; he chose to move here.  My family and I hosted them as generously as we could both times they came out to visit; they chose to be rude. 

The first time they came to visit, I asked them to wait a few months because I was very sick and my doctors thought I might need surgery.  I knew I'd be in no shape to be entertaining, or even to visit with people I hardly knew.  They ignored my requests, came anyway, and then got upset when my sweetie chose to stay home and take care of me.  My parents had them over for dinner one of the nights they were visiting, and they insulted my parents, their house, and their cooking--right to my face!

Then a few years later they decided to come visit again.  Again, the timing was bad for us--we had just moved.  As in, we moved into our new condo 2 days before they came out.  Again, we asked them to wait so we'd be able to show off our house.  Again, they refused.  And again they complained because we didn't spend every waking moment entertaining them.  We had other things to do!  But we made time to see them; we spent a day with them visiting a historical sight nearby, we had lunch and dinner with them most every day, and they even got invited to my family's big Christmas eve dinner (at the time it was my grandparent and all my aunts and uncles and cousins, and inlaws from the various families who were available that year).  And again, they insulted everything about it.

Despite all that, and uncountable little everyday insults through the years, I spent years trying to have a better relationship with these people.  I would buy them nice presents for birthdays and holidays and whatnot, I made sure my sweetie remembered to send cards, I made sure he wrote or called from time to time, and was generally a very good DIL.  In return, I was insulted or ignored at every turn.  After a decade, I say enough.  If they want a relationship with my sweetie, that's between him and them.  If they want a relationship with me, they'll have to earn another chance.  They've used up my patience.

If that makes me a bad person in your eyes, well, so be it.  I sleep better at night, because I know I did more than my share.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: RedRose on December 06, 2009, 07:06:39 am
I think if we heard the MIL side it would be much different than yours.
You are a very disrespectful Dil and you are not here to help...there are plenty of sites out there for you.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 07:39:56 am
You're right, RedRose, she would probably tell a very different story.  That doesn't automatically mean she's telling the truth.

Ask yourself this: if my MIL loves her son oh so very much, how come she hasn't tried to talk to him once in the last five years?  She knows where we live.  We haven't moved since the last time they visited.  He even has the same email address.  Granted, our phone number has changed, but she had ways of asking for our new number if she wanted to call.

Again, I have done nothing to stop my sweetie from having whatever relationship he chooses to have with his parents.  I've told him I'll support whatever decision he makes, and I always have.

How is that disrespectful?
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: RedRose on December 06, 2009, 07:56:31 am
I don't have to automatically believe you are telling the truth either. She is not here to tell her story.

I can also ask why hasn't your husband tried to talk to his mother...he knows where she lives...does he not love her anymore? If you do not get along with her...I believe it would be hard for him to also.

Life is too short...we all need to find ways to get along...
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 08:24:42 am
Why would it be hard for him to call his parents?  If he wanted to, I'd ask him to pass along my regards and leave him alone to talk.  He knows that, because that's what I always did when he used to call.  I've never stopped him, or suggested he stop; quite the opposite.  I spent years nagging him to talk to his parents because "they're family"*.  But, you know, it's not my job to make him have a relationship with people he doesn't like. 

He makes the decisions about relationships in his life, and I make the decisions about relationships in mine.  If we disagree about a person, we know we're both free to pursue a friendship alone without involving the other.  I've had friends he didn't particularly like, and he's had friends of whom I am not fond.  We deal with it.  We're not joined at the hip, and are free and welcome to do things by ourselves when we want.  The only time we interfere is when we think the person in question is a threat to the relationship (like a young woman who was once determined to seduce him away from me) (who apparently cannot take no for an answer and is still periodically bothering us three years later); since his parents are no threat to our relationship, I keep out of it.

I'm not some evil, domineering harpy of a female dog, you know. :P I don't control his life.  I do occasionally have to remind him to take out the garbage, truth be told.  And I frequently have to make him roll over at night so he stops snoring.  But that's about the extent of it.

I don't know why he doesn't call except for what he tells me.  He's never come out and said "I don't love my parents", at least not in my hearing.  It wouldn't entirely surprise me, though it would make me sad, and I wouldn't fault him for it.  She is, from what I've seen and been told, an uncaring and very cold woman.  She has offered nothing positive in his life for a long time.  At some point, he decided that the bonds of blood were not enough to put himself through the pain.  That's his choice.  If he changes his mind someday, that's his choice too.

Frankly, so long as I don't have to talk to them, I don't care.  He can call them, write them, go to the family reunions if he wants.  I don't need to be involved in any of that (and, thanks to my handicaps, I can't go to the reunions anyway).  They never wanted a relationship with me when one was offered, so I don't think they're going to start missing me now.  If they do decide they want a relationship with me at some point, well, we'll see.

*ETA: as has been pointed out, this could confuse people.  Please allow me to clarify: 10 years ago, I thought everyone could be one big happy family.  I pushed my sweetie to try and be a good and dutiful son to his parents, and spent far too much time and energy trying to please my grandparents and other relatives.  It wasn't healthy for either of us.  I have since been disillusioned as to that particular dream, and have come to accept that it's okay.  I don't need all my relatives to approve of me, on either side.  I'm happier and healthier now (in mind and spirit, at least) than I was trying to live my life for other people.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 08:39:21 am
Quote from: Anna on December 06, 2009, 08:36:16 am
You are confusing me.  First you say hubby's parents are not family, now you say they are ???


I used to think they were.  I've learned better.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 09:19:23 am
My life is decidedly better now.  As much as I'd like to get along better with certain people, I can't force them to give a darn.  The only person I can change it myself.  My choices were to stop being who I am, or stop feeling sorry for myself when they don't like me.  I chose to take care of myself.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: just2baccepted on December 06, 2009, 11:29:53 am
Quote from: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 02:41:27 am



The first time they came to visit, I asked them to wait a few months because I was very sick and my doctors thought I might need surgery.  I knew I'd be in no shape to be entertaining, or even to visit with people I hardly knew.  They ignored my requests, came anyway, and then got upset when my sweetie chose to stay home and take care of me.   



I have a story similar to that as well.  I know I always talk about my MIL and FIL but my FIL is actually my Step FIL.  DH's birth father lives in another state.  DH doesn't have that much to do with him b/c his dad was physically and mentally abusive to him.  DH is very subservient and I guess that's why.  He's told me awful stories about his birth father but he doesn't like to talk about it and will get mad if I try to bring it up.  So now that's an off topic for us.

DH's mom met FIL b/c he was living in a nearby trailer in their trailer park and they ended up getting married.  FIL was an alchohlic so DH said it was unpleasant growing up in both homes.  Very sad.  Dh said his birth father and dad used to get into fist fights after dropping DH off when he was a little boy, I guess they had a huge power struggle.  MIL started having an affair with a married man and she was ready to leave FIL b/c of his drinking but the man she was having the affair with wouldn't leave his family for her so she ended up going back to FIL but they had already gotton divorced and DH and I learned recently that they never got remarried but have been together for 40 years or so.

The story I was going to compare was several years ago I had gone to San Antonio to visit my DH while he was taking a class/military stuff.  DH would arrive home on that Friday and then his birth father and his 4th wife would come to our house and spend the weekend.  The day I arrived home a massive F5 tornado blew through my town and mowed down several neighborhoods in its path.  Here in Oklahoma we call it the May 3rd tornado.  My electricity was knocked off for days.  It got pretty close to my house and I remember asking my mom while we were huddled in the hallway, "that sounds like a airplane."  Little did i know it must have been this massive tornado.  Freaky!!

I left with my mom since it was dark and no air conditioning and when I tried to get back in to my neighborhood the National Guard wouldn't let me back in.   My dog was in a boarding facility and I couldn't' even get to her to get her out.  And I had to call them to make sure the facility was still standing.  By the time I got back in the house two days later, everything in the fridge was spoiled.  I hadn't had a chance to do any grocery shopping or clean the house of get the bed ready for our guests.  So Dh asked his birth father if he could just give us the weekend to get prepped b/c of what happened.  Birth father supposedly seemed ok with it.  So I cleaned out the fridge, went to the store and bought planned out meals for our guests and washed their sheets and got the bed ready.  So the day arrived and we waited and waited and nobody showed up.  Birth father had been visiting other relatives and I guess he got his tail over his back about being asked to come two days later and so he just bypassed our house and went home.  What's sad is DH was trying to work on his relationship with birth father and forgive him for his abusiveness.  I leanred that birth father is as controlling as the stories that DH told me.  To this day DH has very little to do with him.  There's much more to the story but I don't want to bore.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Aisling on December 06, 2009, 11:46:02 am
J2B, I am so sorry your FIL is such a jerk.  I hope you and your DH have been able to curtail his ability to pull these stunts.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 07, 2010, 10:33:51 am
I'd like to make a comment on boundaries.....

to each his own or her own....meaning...each and every individual is different, doesn't matter if they are MIL's or DIL's, we each have our own set of household rules, which should be respected, even if we don't agree with them.

Me, I want people to call me before they decide to just stop by...I hate that...reason being, I could have company....or be planning to go away for the day, just as they stop in....or sick, or whatever, but I would like a call first, before anyone stops by, so I can straighten up and make sure I'm showered and ready to go with some coffee, cold drinks and snacks.....

2nd...my MIL used to stop by almost every day, and I hated that...and I wouldn't want my own Mother in the delivery room with me...why would my MIL think she had to be there....

My MIL was very controlling, therefore, I myself set up boundaries and discussed them with her...so, when my son married, I vowed, I would never do the same...and actually backed off....

I remember he called me while they were on they're honeymoon, and I said..."ohhhhh son....listen, I love to hear from you and am so excited and happy for you, but this is your wife's and your special time, so why don't you hang up and call me soon as you get home and tell me all about it".  You see, we used to be close, and he had to get used to putting his wife first, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Also, to the DIL's....every son loves his mother, and there is no other bond like it, and you will know what I mean, when your son's are 15 years and older, while dad's become very close with they're daughters...it is the attraction of the opposite sex which has been clinically proven.

Now....when our son's marry, they are in love with they're wives, and actually love them more then us, but in a very different way...son's will always love they're mothers, but they also have to move on, take a wife and start they're own families and they're own family traditions....

I would strongly suggest, if the mothers of the two want to have holiday traditional dinners, then plan them the Sat before the actual holiday, so that your children are able to spend that time at home with they're children  opening gifts and taking they're time relaxing...instead of running around to everyone's home.

Boy oh boy, I used to really really hate the holidays, as we had to go visit everyone and couldn't relax in our own home once, not once on any holiday...and I had to work the next day...holidays depressed me miserably, due to that....very hectic and I was never in the mood for Christmas, I hated it...
awful time...

And with some people you have to set boundaries, even with friends...otherwise they'd be hanging out at your home all the time, and I wouldn't want that....

I had a problem with my brother in law, stopping by, and it drove me nuts...he was looking for a place to hang, he was retired and lazy.  There was nothing going on, but b/c he was my sister's husband, I didn't feel comfortable...plus I never knew when he was coming, but it was up to 3 nights a week, so when I came home from work, I wasn't able to take off my bra, throw on a t-shirt and sweats and relax...so, I put a stop to it but quick...now, I told him and my sister both, he doesn't come here to visit, unless he is with you.  Why?  Because I didn't like it...

I also have friends who think it's ok to stop by any old time...
that is soooo wrong....so wrong...

Now my closest girlfriend, my cousins and my sister I don't mind them doing so once in a while....

So, please understand...DIL's aren't always trying to be mean, it's just that they think differently about issues like this, and that doesn't make them wrong or us right...they do have a right to they're privacy...with they're husbands...remember, it's they're home...and they deserve the same respect as we expect...

and please also try to remember, our mother's raised us up to believe family was the root of all, and back then, b/c they're wasn't many cars and much travel, families were strong, together a lot and depended on one another.  It's a very different world today...back then, it was a great time..but we have to understand, that life is long gone, never to return, and if we dont' evolve with the times and understand it, then we stagnate ourselves...insisting to resist change is very debilitating....to all involved.



Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: just2baccepted on January 07, 2010, 10:52:42 am
Creme you totally have it together. You know?  I still can't understand why DIL's from other sites followed you here or were cruel to you.  Everything I've read that you've said sounds completely logical to me.  I want to recommend a book to you that I recently listened to on audiobook.  I felt so jazzed after I'd leave the gym after listening to this book.  But its called Attracting Terrific People by Lillian Glass.  My opinion is that if you want to attract terrific people then you must be a terrific person yourself otherwise you're going to run off these emotionally healthy/terrific people.  So what I'm trying to say is I think you're probably one of those "terrific" people and that this book gives tips on how to attract other terrific people!  The author says to run the other direction from people who are petty, insecure and jealous.  It was what I needed to hear.  God Bless
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 11:00:54 am
Creme, I wish you were my FMIL!!!

Actually, I wish I could bundle up a whole bunch of you MILs on this webpage and have that as my FMIL  ;)
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 11:11:08 am
NO!! Creme can't have you!!  I want you.  Creme, you can have Isitme for 2 and 1/2 days out of the week....I get her the (wait a minute, there are 7 days in a week.  You get her 3 1/2 days and I get her the other 3 1/2)  :)



Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 07, 2010, 11:32:21 am
Quote from: just2baccepted on January 07, 2010, 10:52:42 am
Creme you totally have it together. You know?  I still can't understand why DIL's from other sites followed you here or were cruel to you.  Everything I've read that you've said sounds completely logical to me.  I want to recommend a book to you that I recently listened to on audiobook.  I felt so jazzed after I'd leave the gym after listening to this book.  But its called Attracting Terrific People by Lillian Glass.  My opinion is that if you want to attract terrific people then you must be a terrific person yourself otherwise you're going to run off these emotionally healthy/terrific people.  So what I'm trying to say is I think you're probably one of those "terrific" people and that this book gives tips on how to attract other terrific people!  The author says to run the other direction from people who are petty, insecure and jealous.  It was what I needed to hear.  God Bless


The reason the other DIL's hated me and some follow me around is b/c I wouldn't allow them to pin this problem with my DIL on me...they wanted me to take ownership...did I make some mistakes, yes, probably, but I know in my heart they were minor, and she blew them way out of porportion, b/c it was her created little soap opera to drive me out of they're lives...I tell you true...I am not an interferring mother in law...I refused to be after the one I had...and believe me, my MIL was a very strong willed sweet and giving lady and I love her to this day...we all have faults...we all make mistakes, we all say things we don't mean, but to hate someone for life, to keep your husband from his family, to drive a wedge between them on purpose or to make statements, like "I'll let my husband go visit his mother????"  Well, that is so not normal...sorry, but it isn't.   We don't own people, they are not our property...period...and there are a lot of MIL's who are really dysfunctional as well as DIL's...but you can tell the ones who are true blue, b/c they're not saying horrible get even things, or calling them horrible names, they are in fact, patient and understanding, like the DIL's in here...people don't say ugly things to each other, you take a lock before you say terrible things to someone, we were taught in church, you can kill someone with words, just a though you put a gun to they're heads and pulled the trigger...and quit frankly I have to wonder about some of these people who do do that, are they really trying to drive they're husband's mother over the edge?  Because that is what they're actions portray...they need to win at all costs...

I mean, they tried to make me believe that she was justified for throwing the stuff away that I bought for my GD...that she  was justified for jumping over a sofa into her husband's arms to make it sound like being home with me alone was the most God awful thing, they justified the fact that she spoke to me the way she did, when I went to visit them the last time, I was going to wine and dine them....all on me...I posted that I was paying for every single meal...and she wouldn't allow me once, to pick where I wanted to go...and we always had to go to these fast food places, which is ok, but once in a while I enjoy fine dinning and wanted to treat them...they justified that...they justified the fact that she wouldn't allow me to sit in the back with my GD...she wanted to...they justified the fact that she yelled at me when I asked her if I could help her in the kitchen..."Oh calm down and go away"....they justified her yelling at me in the pasture, when I saw my son on the horse, I smiled inside, and commented outloud, boy, I'd forgotten how he looks on a horse, and she goes off on me saying..."Wull, most of the time he can't handle him, then I have to get on him and calm him down"??????  They justified that...they justified the fact that when we were sitting in the resturant having our dinner, he was telling me about his job...she was insulted b/c he was having a conversation with his mother, so she jumps up, announces "READY" and walks out of the place...they justified that...and I could go on and on...she did the same thing in my apartment once...they justified the fact that My DIL needs so much attention all the time, that she is so jealous of any attention my son give to me...she lied to him many times about situations between her and I, so much so, that there was a time, I told him, I will not ever be put in a position where I'm alone with her....

They hated me, b/c they saw they're MIL's in me, and those that hated me, inclucing the one woman who followed me from site to site, (whome everyone thought was my DIL, as she acted just like her) was so jealous of me...everytime she accused me of something, others said, "Do you realize, she's accusing you of what she did".  She was so jealous of me, she posted a comment to another woman and we were all friends, and she asked that woman if we were friends before this website we were posting in...when the women replied no, she says..."Wull you have to be careful about the ulterior motives of some people" and I went like, "What the heck" and then she says, it wasn't about me?  Yeah right....

And she had the nerve to come to other sites, and come right into my threads and start in...????  I used to tell her...don't comment, stay away from my threads if I'm so offensive...but I suppose hate is the driving force?  I dunno,  I don't care...but she hated me so much, she was bound and determined to discredit me on other sites...she didn't know that I had friends there, and the monitors there wouldn't put up with her bull..they warned her and her buddies...

One of the biggest things and hardest things for me to control myself is, when I see someone picking on another person...man, I go ballistic...I'm talking about someone being down right nasty to someone else on purpose...that is the hardest thing for me....to control, and to keep my mouth shut.

I'm sorry for this vent, I just really hate it when people pick on others and get so ugly...there is no reason on God's green earth to do so.
but that's my story, I'll shut up now....LOL
Thanks so much
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 07, 2010, 11:37:41 am
Quote from: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 11:11:08 am
NO!! Creme can't have you!!  I want you.  Creme, you can have Isitme for 2 and 1/2 days out of the week....I get her the (wait a minute, there are 7 days in a week.  You get her 3 1/2 days and I get her the other 3 1/2)  :)


LOL...you are to funny!

Ok, ok, it's a deal...
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 11:46:08 am
you ladies REALLY crack me up!  I can only imagine the look on my FMILs face if I told her I couldn't spend time with her because I was off running around with you two!!!!   ;D
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Orly on January 07, 2010, 11:52:38 am
Girls, Girls!  Really Creame and Chickie, you need to give Isitme at least ONE day to herself.  LOL, she might need some time for that personal grooming and soaking that is so important to a woman's sanity.  Ya think maybe?
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 07, 2010, 11:54:30 am
Quote from: Orly on January 07, 2010, 11:52:38 am
Girls, Girls!  Really Creame and Chickie, you need to give Isitme at least ONE day to herself.  LOL, she might need some time for that personal grooming and soaking that is so important to a woman's sanity.  Ya think maybe?


(looking down at the ground while pouting and kicking the dirt)

wull ok, ref......if I must, but Chickie has to give up a day to...

Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 12:04:28 pm
Does BF get visitation rights?
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 12:25:19 pm
 Yes, he can come but he has to stay with me when you go to Creme's.  :P
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 12:27:52 pm
okay....one day to herself, Orly.  That's it, though. 
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Orly on January 07, 2010, 12:46:04 pm
Quote,"Does BF get visitation rights?"

"Snicker"  What do you think I meant by "personal grooming", Isitme?
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 12:47:56 pm
I understand what you went through, Creme...I saw it.  They did me the same way.  It was when I first started out asking for advice. (please, was I nuts? Going to the enemy to ask how to get in the barracks?)

They were so mean. I am talking about really mean and cruel.  No one will ever know how that knocked me down.  It was like a real live person was treating me this way.  I simply could not believe it.  Then, they started impersonating me.  OH!  Hurt beyond hurt.  Making fun of me the entire way.

I had to step back and say, "what is the matter with me?  How can I let people I don't know have this kind of effect on me?"

I was in the first throes of heartbreak and only wanted to know if what I was doing was right or wrong and how the new world was being run.  That's all.  They thought it was a game.  "let's get her"

I saw what they did to you and tried to defend you but boy, they don't like that.  They really must be the most unhappy people on earth to get their kicks out of 2 people who didn't know the Moon from the Earth at the time.  Very unhappy and sad people.  And, I tried to reason with them.  I am mad at myself to this day. 

The Moderators used this "head banging" Smiley face that they would use on me.  Like what I was saying was said by an idiot.  They let me go on and on and on, arguing with me all the time and then, without notice would ban me.

I'd get so sad!  Then, they'd start a new site.  When they did, they'd ask me real nice to join. I'd do it and wouldn't you know it?  They'd do the same thing over again and ban me too!

I'd never do anyone like that.  I'm afraid that's what a lot of the new world is made of, though. You have to be careful who you tell your story to. 

Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: isitme? on January 07, 2010, 01:07:50 pm
chickie, that's terrible.  I still don't understand why they would be this way except to say they are sad and hurtful people.  Even someone who has been really hurt by their own MIL should not be treating others in such a way.  I was really angry and sad when I first joined this forum but I NEVER would have thought to put any of you down just because some other lady was mean to me!

Well I guess the only thing to do is stay away from such places and take some consolation in the fact that you are the better person for welcoming the other side here.  If it's any additional consolation - I've noticed that some of the harshest DILs on those sites often talk about how they gave up on their "mama's boy" decades ago and have been alone ever since.  They claim they are glad to be "free" but at the end of the day, they're still alone.  Hmm...kind of makes you think.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 07, 2010, 01:14:49 pm
Thank you, Isitme...it was awful!  I guess they were so mad they took it out on me.  And, Creme too, if you can imagine. 
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: RedRose on January 07, 2010, 05:52:56 pm
ok....boundaries
Boundaries to me are just rules...rules were made to be broken...like when I was young.
I hate rules and boundaries...If you don't like what I am doing or saying just talk to me.
I have common sense...I know what is right and wrong...usually
Just talk to me and we'll discuss it...
Don't give me boundaries.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 04:55:30 am
2chickiebaby

I honesty didn't think of them as the enemy...but I'm actually shocked by your post here...so they called you back to?  We were called back several times to the MIL's website, but they allowed those DIL's to hammer us...one woman, a very kind soul...said, that's it, she's leaving...she said, the way they're attacking you and left go to do so, well, she was convinced the site was evil and they called up back so they could do that and get more people visiting the site...

Isn't that sweet?  I never knew...but suspected, b/c the one woman was really nice, until we came back, and then BAM....

Well, I suppose what all the mil's said about it WAS True?   :o

Was thinking about this site last night, and it's such a great site, and way overdue...the women here are fantabulous...I'm so thankful!
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 08, 2010, 05:10:15 am
yes, Creme, it was hurtful and very destructive.  It was just like people you knew were attacking you.  I know it sounds ridiculous to others who haven't had that happen but it did and it was horrible.

I was totally naive and never dreamed anyone would take the time to jump on me and do that.  I learned but it took me a long time. 
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 05:21:49 am
it's hard to believe that people would put so much effort into being cruel and contradictive...isn't it...if people would take all that negative energy and put it into something good, they would have a need to be jealous, insecure, immature or fearful would they?

Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 08, 2010, 05:27:28 am
They found someone who was weak and tried to destroy me...and you too.  You can't approach them in a weak manner.  I didn't know....just thought all were nice and trying to learn too.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 05:39:06 am
wull, Chickie, there is no way they can destory us...none....don't give them that much power....they said harsh and nasty things...but, hey, they're not anyone I know, family, etc....actually, more then hurt me, they showed exactly how contrary they can be to they're MIL's....right?  But, Chickie, ain't nobody, but nobody going to destroy me...ever!!!!

and you should feel that way to....they are only strangers we met on the street....
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: 2chickiebaby on January 08, 2010, 05:41:19 am
I know that in theory, Creme...but inside, when it's happening....when you're being chastised for posting your thought/heart, it hurts.  I am trying not to let that happen again.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: Pen on January 08, 2010, 06:25:04 am
OMG, this all sounds like junior high school! Just keep your head down while walking through the halls and the mean, snobby girls might not notice you...uh oh, they just grabbed your clothes from your PE locker and are throwing them around the locker room to show everyone the Sears labels (their clothes come from Saks.)

I'll pass, thanks.
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: RedRose on January 08, 2010, 09:53:38 am
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 05:21:49 am
it's hard to believe that people would put so much effort into being cruel and contradictive...isn't it...if people would take all that negative energy and put it into something good, they would have a need to be jealous, insecure, immature or fearful would they?


this is sooo true ... but it still hurts
Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 09:59:58 am
 Hiya Rose
Yes, it does tend to hurt pretty good...I suppose, somehow, I've worked thru all that, and am now pretty thick skinned...been writing on the internet for 10 years...and when someone would attack me personally, OMG, it really set me off kilter....but now, I could care less, especially after all the rounds with those DIL's....my sking became leather like...LOL  and it's nice to be here...buy yeah, I do know it hurts....

come err....big hugsssssss

Title: Re: boundaries
Post by: RedRose on January 08, 2010, 10:05:06 am
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 10:01:53 am
Quote from: cremebrulee on January 08, 2010, 09:59:58 am
Hiya Rose
Yes, it does tend to hurt pretty good...I suppose, somehow, I've worked thru all that, and am now pretty thick skinned...been writing on the internet for 10 years...and when someone would attack me personally, OMG, it really set me off kilter....but now, I could care less, especially after all the rounds with those DIL's....my sking became leather like...LOL  and it's nice to be here...buy yeah, I do know it hurts....

and I hope you gals all understand, I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings...not in the least, more so, trying to help get you to the point where it doesn't hurt...


come err....big hugsssssss



ok...hugssss back
I'm gonna learn from you