Dear Delia,

It is heartbreaking when our adult children are unkind, in either their spoken or unspoken communications and as difficult as it is, please understand often it's not about you, it's about them.  They are the ones choosing to behave so cruelly, whether they mean to or not.

The best way to deal with hurtful situations is to remind myself that I cannot control how others behave but I can control how I react to their behaviour.

Hugs to you
xx 

My 2 adult girls do not communicate with me much.  I was divorced when they were young.  One had ADD and was always a struggle to get her to pick up her room.  I thought things were pretty good but now when they are in their late 30's it's painful.  If ask them and their husbands to go on a trip or dinner or anything most of the time they say no.  I can feel the tension when around them.  I can pick up on the body language.  One doesn't hesitant to ask me to babysit and the other doesn't hesitate to ask for help if she strapped to pay a bill.  It hurts me so much I am considering taking them out of my Will and leaving all to my grandchildren.  I don't know how to deal with this anymore. How does one deal with this when they just ignore.

pattiann - I really feel your pain.  We went through this when our first grandchild came and it has continued over the years.  About 8 years now and it still hurts.  There are many great moms in this site and lots of great advice.  The only thing that helps is time.  I am currently trying to lessen the phone calls and contacts.  The visits happen only if we push and go to them.  To visit us is such a chore for them.  They can visit her mom, their friends; but a visit to us is like visiting Siberia, I guess.  It helps to have support from other friends and family and fill in your time with things and people that you enjoy.
I believe my son knows in his heart that the relationship that he has with us is not a choice that he would make for him (or his kids).  I believe it makes his life easier to go along with wife's wishes not to spend time with us.  So it works for him.  Sad, but his choice.
If the get togethers are hurtful, I stay away and ask to visit on a different day when her mom is not there.  I seem to allow them to make me feel invisible and unworthy if I attend when all eyes are on the "wonderful, perfect" grandma.
Keep coming here when you are down.  It will get better.  Remember that you did your best to be a great Mom, and hopefully, in his heart, your son knows that.

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The hard lesson I had to learn with my oldest son was that he was a young adult out in the world on his own and part of that was his right to make his own choices and mistakes and to learn from the consequences...or not. It took me a long, long time to get that my expectations were mine and he didn't need to fulfill them. I had an entirely different picture and felt I had so much to give. His wife didn't cling to her mother and family of origin, she dumped them, as well and they formed some kind of a mother hating alliance. For a while I got stuck in self-pity. I think it's an important stage to go through because it hurt deeply and I needed to be honest with myself. However, I was slow to move on and find a full life after parenting. I finally realized that I, too, could make choices after tripping over my expectations and knowing I deserved better for way too long. Eventually, I got that I mattered. You do, too!

I found this forum after having yet another disappointing visit with my son and daughter in law. 

I am a mother of three sons and a daughter.  My two oldest sons are married and have completely changed since they married.  We were always a very tight knit close family.  I am blindsided about the complete reversal in our relationship.  I am always kept at a distance now and my sons both are with their wives family's for holidays etc. I get short tense visits. 

Tonight I was at my grand daughters birthday party and her family was there with expensive gifts.  They had boxes from Nordstrom for a seven year old.  It made my gifts pale and I felt embarrassed.  They must have spent three hundred dollars and I spent fifty at Target.  Then my son played music they liked and he gets into conversations with his father in law while I just sit in a chair and get ignored.

  It was never like this, we were extremely close I have letters and tokens my son gave me over the years.  I take the letters out and read them, and and pray he will come to me again, yet he never does.  If we ever talk on the phone it is distant and superficial.  I am depressed and it is getting worse.  My oldest son is not quite as blatant but also spends more time with his wife' parents.  This is such a difficult and bitter pill to swallow.

I have a wonderful daughter who is married and has children, she does not have a mother in law because she passed away.  So, there is no comeptition there, my son in law is wonderful to me.  My daughter says to just walk away and put my efforts and emotion on her and her family.  I try to tell her how difficult that is, I had four children and can't just stop loving and wanting to be with my sons.

  My youngest son is not married yet but I fully expect another huge hurt coming if he ever gets married.

  I need help, I can't get past this hurt and it is wrecking my life, my husband is angry because I am always sad.  My husband is not my children's natural father but has been in their lives for fifteen years he sees the issues but has given up.  I have  read some other posts and see this is a big problem for many mothers of sons.  I understand the cleave to your wife thing, but  this is a double standared.  What is  really happening is the sons leave their mothers and the daughter in laws push there parents in.  Mothers of sons are left out in the cold.

This is the most cruel thing I have been subjected to in my life.  I never thought this could happen to me.

I would appreciate any guidance from the mothers of sons as I am sure my heart is not the only one broken.

Hope we have given you something to think about. As you know, all we can do here is share our experience. We don't give advice...no one here is a counselor and it is probably time to close this thread. We are in your corner as you work your way through this.

Hey all,

Sorry, I should've asked.....

Though I will do my very best to "shelf" my less than desirable relationship with my DD until she starts to be civil.  But does anyone know how to do this amicably without causing an argument?  That is, although I am more than happy to distance myself, my DD is such a controlling person that if I don't respond when she wants and how she wants, all hell will break loose! 

Thanks ladies,
I really appreciate your pearls of wisdom, they bring much comfort to a weary tormented/defeated soul (aka parent of a mean adult child).
I think I will adopt that "shelf" of my DD until such time as she can be more civil.
If I am to survive her hostility, I need widen the distance between communications with her, to avoid being overwhelmed by the impact of her attacks.
Hugs to you both
xx

I, too, can relate to being 'kicked to the curb'. This may sound strange but I honestly thought my son must be feeling sad on some deep level to have made me, once someone he trusted, the enemy. I think I may have bowed out of the relationship as much for him as for me. He was a gentle, kind man.

Sorry for your down day.  I've had many of them myself with my own daughter.  She loved spending time with BF and his large extended family, and BF's mom, who she ended up living with for a year, could do no wrong.  I did everything I could do court DD's favor.  It was only when I saw her treat me and DH with contempt that I finally decided I deserved better and wasn't going to stand for her nasty treatment of me.  I guess that, like some other moms I've read about here, I didn't really like the person she had become, so why was I chasing her so much and trying to get her to do things with me?  It sure wasn't self-respecting or a good example for her.  Plus it made DH miserable, too.  I stopped doing things for her that she had come to rely on, seeing that she had taken our relationship and my presence in her life for granted.  DH and I started some new hobbies together and I intentionally became more active and engaged in my own life, and realized that there were and are others who care about me and want me in their lives.  It was a looooooong process, with steps forward and backward, like you are experiencing. (You'll see some of those documented in my posts here). I just didn't want to be held hostage to the hurt and pain. 

I read something here on WWU once where a mom mentioned putting the hurtful relationship with her adult child "on the shelf", acknowledging that right now a break is helpful but might not be permanent.  She still wished the best for her AC, but didn't want to participate in a relationship that was not healthy.  For me, that seemed like a way to think about that difficult time in our relationship and how to not let it overwhelm me.  If our relationship is put on the shelf, then it can be taken off when there is mutual respect and a willingness to have an adult-to-adult relationship.  In the meantime, there is a freedom to focus on creating my own joy and healthy relationships.  That has really helped me to remember that what's happening now may not last forever and that I do have choices about who I engage with on a daily basis. 

Wishing you better days ahead.  (((Hugs)))