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Hi I am 59yrs old I have only one child he is 40 yrs old I had him at a very young age and was not a great mother I even went through a few yrs of a drinking problem when my son got married and had his first child he stopped all contact with me for 8 yrs never asking how I was to any family members Well I found a way to let him know I have been alcohol free for 4 yrs and told him I was going to see about talking to a lawyer about seeing my 2 grand children he finally called me and was very angry . I didnt hear any thing back from him so I emailed him and let him know that there are consaqunches to all this so he put 2 and 2 together and figuared it had to do with money and my will So he finally got back in touch and told the 2 boys ^ and 8 year olds that I exsist and came over with them did I do the right thing in dangeling the money issue ? beacuse he is still trating me the same very poorly I have been mailing gifts and money ect ect and did not even get a Christmas of Birthday card or a phone call I dont know if I should tell him how I feel or say nothing ? desparet for help Mary B

Welcome J!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. There you will find a list of our abbreviations and acronyms.  Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


DS stands for dear son.  Please feel free to post anytime! 

Hugs!

https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,6650.0.html

What is a DS?

Hi and Welcome. Once our children are grown and have married it seems to me that the rules change. That's what happened to me at least. My eldest son decided everything he didn't like in life was my fault. I won't bore you with all of the details. I tried to convince him I cared but I finally realized I was keeping the game in place. I told him I had done my best and from that date on, his happiness was his responsibility, as an adult. I turned toward what I wanted to focus on and got on with my own life. Once I was off the game board, I missed him. That's the truth. However, I did no miss the conflict and anxiety. That's also the truth. His childhood was mine to manage, his adulthood is his to manage...as is mine. Good luck. This isn't easy.

Welcome I!!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I edited your original post to remove your name.  Only the founder of this site, Luise, can use their real name.  You also should change your screen name.  Do not use your email address.  Thanks!!

Now as to your problem you really haven't given us much to comment on so I will be shooting in the dark but I will give it a whirl.  My DS was completely unaware that he was "playing games" with me.  I was well aware of it but I still kept playing because, after all, he is my son and I didn't want to loose him forever and since games were the only way of keeping in touch, well, what else could I do?  I was so incredibly upset and I could not see any way out.  I forgot that there is always a way out.  I stopped playing.  I stopped calling him to stay in touch.  I stopped texting him to see what was happening.  I stopped running after him begging to be included in his life.  I just quit.  It wasn't easy.  I had to force myself to stop.  I had to rehearse and repeat my mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What I focus on expands

Using these sayings to recenter myself many times a day I eventually broke the "I've gotta fix this" habit and I have grown to accept that his life is his to live, including if he messes it up.  It has taken years but he has come around.  I think that I was stuck in the habit of treating him like my son instead of treating him as the adult he is.  I still object to some of the things he does but I keep to my own counsel unless he asks for advice (which he almost never does).  With practice I have managed to start focusing my thoughts on the things that bring me joy and my life in general has improved beyond belief.  Thinking about my DS's situation still causes me grief so I still try to avoid dwelling on it.  As a matter of fact when my siblings or friends ask about him I always repeat my circus mantra and they hush.  I hope this helps.

Hugs!!

 I'm a mom of three adult children. I'm struggling with my middle child who has mental disabilities but still can function. I feel like she plays these games to get my attention or to just upset me. She claims to want to make amends yet she then causes trouble and then gets her hubby involved. I'm at my wits end.

Welcome I!!  We are glad you found us. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have had your reply up on my computer since you posted it trying to figure out what I should say.  Once I was where you are but it didn't involve my children, it involved my husband.  At least twice a year he would go out of town on a "guys weekend" and leave me to take care of the children.  Over time I grew to resent this treatment.  I voiced my resentment and my reasons but my DH just said "Why don't you just take a weekend trip too?".  He had a point but I didn't want to leave my DH and children at home while I went out for a good time.  I was at an impasse with a growing resentment about it.  It was so unfair for him to do this to me year after year!  I actually got so bad that I considered the big "D".  It is amazing how much resentment can invade your relationship and turn a good one sour.

I can almost hear you thinking "So, what did you DO?"  I went to a workshop that made me rethink how that resentment got there and who was responsible for it.  Actually it was my own fault.  I had given my DH the total responsibility for my happiness.  Whether I am happy or not is my own decision and how much I let someone else "make me unhappy" is also my own choice.  My workshop taught me that I was the only person who could make me happy or vice versa.  I took a long look at my situation and came up with a solution.

I started doing things to make myself happy on those "guy weekends".  I took the kids camping.  I started going up to my DH and asking him when the next weekend was so that I could make plans for myself and the kids.  When he came home the children and I were full of stories about how much fun we had had.  I can only remember a couple of times camping without my DH there.  It didn't take long for him to decide that he would rather go with us than go on the "guys" trip.  Those camping trips stand out in all of our memories.  My screen saver is filled with pictures of them and when they pop up I think about how much fun we had on that particular trip.  I know my children will recall them with pleasure for their entire lifetimes, and to think the first camping trip my children went on was planned as a way to make myself happy and resentment free.  I am forever grateful for that workshop.  It was the beginning of my happily ever after.  Yes, that was derailed by the DIL issue that brought me here and it took my reading on this site to bring me back to the path of happiness but right now, for a while, my life is blissfully happy.  It is one of the things I will be thinking about this Thanksgiving.

I hope this will help you think twice about how unhappy you are letting yourself feel.  I hope it will empower you to take control of your life instead of letting everyone else drive your moods.  Happiness is a matter of perspective. Find something in your life that makes you happy and focus on it.  Always remember what you focus on expands!

Hugs from all of us!

Quote from: luise.volta on September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 amWelcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...

. My daughter has got to move as her landlord selling her house she has six kids a very bad credit check history is preventing her renting another place privately as she is very irrational irratic and foolish with money ran up debts and court summons for parking fines unpaid! She asked me to be a quarantor but am disabled on welfare myself any money is tied up in my house . Since saying NO she has accused me of being selfish despite taking care of her two youngest daughters on a regular basis now she won't call us stone walling me says I can still have her girls my grand kids but she won't talk to me be case drop them an go ( often the case anyway)! She never stays overnight she seems to forget I am I'have mental health issues as her father was abusive alcoholic and left me for dead after knocking me unconscious then lying about it! He would play mind games turn his daughters against me throw money at things when they demanded it and accuse me of being tight ( I am not an sensible believe grown adults should earn thier own way through life and if loan money pay it back ! I was always the mum and dad really trying to guide them teach them descent codes of conduct ! Neither of my daughters are talking to me because refuse to be bullied emotionally blackmailed and used as a childminder which is case and a cleaner while they parcel thier kids about from pillar to post ! I am so hurt both can not behave reasonably descent Or kind but bully refuse to be financially accountable or budget wisely and want to blame everyone but themselves for bad choices and behaviours and try to make me feel guilty about owning my home which had to work for full time while raising my daughters and being self employed childminder for 26 years putting everyone else's wants needs first . The minute try to do stuff get to be made to feel selfish and the two of them not talking to me or showing respect I show them hurts deeply don't sleep night after night trying to think ways to teach them to be descent peace makers and good to each other they fell out over money and I was told if spoke to younger daughter older one have nothing to do with me ( spiteful blackmail)! I refused to take sides saying it's between them nothing to do with me but sadly now seems both turned on me ! I am so lonely trying to build a life but made to feel selfish for doing so they both ignore sensible guidance and put me down . Am devastated they are both like thier father abusive manipulative hurts deeply . 

Dear M, The tone of your post both in telling us what we can write and not write and your last statement..."I don't have the motivation to live if I am not valued in my role." indicate that your needs go beyond what we offer on my Website. There are no professionals here to deal with your issues and attitude. In such situations, we suggest one-on-one counseling and sincerely wish you well. Blessings, Luise

Hello, please no sweeping platitudes.
I am virtually  without desire to live unhappily having experienced happiness. Im at a brick wall.
I was a single mother left a 2nd husband who became abusive for the betterment  of my children. I coached my daughter daily to get  her through  college  and  moved to help caretake my elderly, self centered  sick mother after my daughter  married and moved. Both my children  are successful in careers and my daughter had an abusive mentally ill husband  who finally left her so i flew monthly from Florida to NC to help her and her 2 year old daughter  who was a mess.
Caring for my family is the only thing that has kept me alive.
A year after my mom died the most miserable  lonely year. Very limited finances, my son moved me to NC to live for awhile  with my daughter and grand daughter.
I HAVE BEEN HAPPY FOR TWO YEARS.
They have been happy,  we live in harmony and laugh and have a nice life and i am 24 hours a day able to do childcare so my daughter  has been able to work her career, go out, date join a gym.  I took them on an expensive  vacation  this summer.
Now she says she wants to move out and leave me renting  her townhouse she wants a bigger more expensive  home with a yard.
I live in a tiny bedroom  with my belongings, the whole house is hers. i helped to buy it originally. I have bought furniture  for  her. I do housework. I am permanently  injured so walk with a walker at 63 and am limited somewhat.
My grand daughter and i cried when she said this idea because  we are HAPPY and things mean nothing .
I am goungbto have to find out what  is motivating  her because i dont have motivation  to live if im not valued in my role.