Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
« Last post by luise.volta on July 27, 2018, 03:49:42 PM »
Yes, for me it was years before I didn't have an occasional Venting Day. At first every day was one, then as I turned toward what I wanted to create for myself and spent less time experiencing what others attempted to create for me...I started to get 'breathers' from what Still Learning so aptly calls 'the abyss'. Now, it's a 'Once Upon a Time' story and I'm free! Love you guys...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
« Last post by Mtnlady on July 27, 2018, 03:30:18 PM »
Hi all.  For some reason, it's a venting day for me, as well.  Haven't been to this site for awhile because, actually,  I've been feeling pretty strong lately. (It took 5 years of therapy but definitely coming along.  I have the usual DS/DIL issue that many ladies on this site seem to have.) But despite making strides, every once in a while, I can't get my DS out of my mind.  So, I know what you mean.  I also always put myself last while raising DS.  The only thing I can offer is that we can learn from that, and appreciate the life we have now.  That's the only reality we have, and we have to make the best of it.  Easier said than done, I know.  We need to be kind to ourselves when we feel like venting, though, and not hold things inside.    I know friends and family are burned out from listening to me talk about this, and I never feel like they really "get it".   Thank goodness for this site and hope you're all having a better day today, Raindrops.  This too shall pass.
Your follow-up post of yesterday makes it clear that your situations are way beyond our scope. Our hearts go out to you, P. However, none of us here are professionally trained. We share our garden-variety experience and sometimes it helps others. We are too generic to be able to offer support in crisis, or where there has been violence, or where law enforcement has been involved. Those, often need one-on-one counseling and intervention by highly trained people.

You deserve more, P. Please don't give up finding it. We believe you can turn things around and find the peace that goes with drawing an imaginary line beyond you parenting years and the rest of your life. This thread is being closed for all of the reasons stated above...our deep caring continues.

I wanted to give it some time to process it,  see what happens.   Since I first posted some pretty awful things have happened.

1.  I got a call from the local police saying he and the gf's mother came in and filed a police report.  He stated I was 'menacing and harrassing' because I dropped off his clothes and some toiletries and other items of his.   They weren't home,  I just placed them on the porch,  texted him that they were there and left.  He told them I was "manipulative", because I had his brother call him two times a week.    He told them I was al"abusive".   What I didn't mention before is that when he was leaving he actually shoved me down to the floor.   I had scratches and bruises for a week all over my arms and back of my neck.  But he claimed I abused him.  The police wanted me to come in for pictures but I refused out of fear they would arrest him. 

2.  I recieved a letter from him that he clearly did not write,  telling me he was cutting me out of his life for good,  and his little brother too.   It was not his handwriting,  it was not wording he would ever use,  etc.   About half of this letter was addressing "slander and libel" regarding the gf and her mother.   Telling me I was to desist.  The whole letter was worded in an ominous and frankly creepy way,  stating things like "I am not being isolated by (gf and gfs mother) from family and friends,  I am choosing to close the book on all of the controlling,  manipulation that is you and those involved with you and the family.   (YS) is a casualty of YOUR horrendous behavior in this and you can tell him the truth that it is your doing that I will not ever see him again."  etc.  Its all so messed up.  Other than his dad and stepdad, and my brother who was my abuser growing up and isnt in their lives,  the rest of our family is kind and supportive and though not perfect,  functioning and healthy.  What the letter said made absolutely no sense in comparison to reality.

A bit of backstory,  the mother has 4 other families who have either forbade their kids contact with her and her daughter or have actual legal no contact complaints against them.   One of the parents reached out to me and put me in touch with the others.  All their stories were similar,  the mother encouraging their kids to isolate from them,  two were encouraged to file false police reports,  all these parents experienced things I did with the mother,  finding out it was a "safe place" to drink and have sex, and one girls parents found out the mother took their daughter,  at 15, to meet a man,  adult,  off tje internet in another county.    All of these families told me their child was pressured and manipulated to isolate from,  hate, family,  siblings and friends and to plan on moving in with them.   

Clearly,  the actual author of that letter was more concerned with those criminal acts than anything else,  so much of it was about it.  Mind you,  at no point did I tell my son details of what I found out,  just said I was concerned that this was a pattern with this family and asking him to look closely at controlling behaviors like encouraging him to isolate from family.

3.  I have lost three close friends over this,  due to his false accusations.  I feel completely triggered. And afraid to talk to anyone,  like who else has he said this horrible stuff to.  Id hate me too if it was actually true.    I taught him how to treat folks with respect, how to be sociable,  etc,  but no male role model taught him anything but how to attack and harm me.  Its too sickeningly similar to what his stepfather did.  Its wrecked his little brother (who has special needs on top of the other stressers I mentioned in the first post).  They were so close and loving,  so its as screwed up for him to process as mysrlf and those around us.  Its like Jekyll and Hyde. 

4.  With the letter, he left his phone too.    There is no other way to reach him.  Some of his friends have a new number but wont give it,  saying he made them promise not to.   I dont pressure them,  as I love them too,  watched them grow up,  and can tell they are so confused by his behavior.   

He deleted everything from the phone,  or so I thought,  until I started getting notifications (I think its still set up through his gmail,  Im not tech saavy,  so not 100% sure) for something called Life360 (a tracking device on his phone,  which he once mentioned the gfs mother had on the gfs phone) being activated on his new device,  several emails from apartment listings on craigslist, and new acvounts on facebook,  ect.   I checked online and sure enough he closed out his old facebook,  none of the family has recieved invites to his new one.   

I hear you and appreciate what you say,  I hope I get there,  and my YS too,  someday and someday soon.   As is I cry a lot.  None of it makes sense so thats not helping.   I get I was strict,  but I wasnt abusive or controlling (I would never put a tracker on an adult males phone), I kinda feel I messed up in not focussing more on teaching him abput control and abuse and how to recognize it,  I never felt up to talking about it much after surviving it.  I thought I would show by example even if a lot of it was too painful to talk about.  I thought I talked to him enough,  everytime something happenned and he wanted to discuss it,  I was there,  but I didnt get him the right therapy maybe.  He fell right into the very thing he was predisposed to fall into.  And my failure there,  and my reasonable concern about this family he is involved with,  its not helping my heart find peace in this.  I do hope this gets easier.   
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
« Last post by Stilllearning on July 26, 2018, 03:13:30 AM »
Hi R!  I think we all know about those visits to what I now call "the abyss" because once I let my mind take me there it sucks me right in and steals everything good from my life by filling me full of self pity.  Of course I deserve better, of course I did everything I could for my DS, of course he should want to bring his children by to see me, of course he should remember me on Mother's Day and other special days but he didn't.  For years I spent my time in the abyss, talked to everyone about how horribly my DS/DIL were treating me and everyone agreed.  Everyone felt sorry for me.  Eventually everyone wanted to avoid me because it was all I could talk about and think about and it made me into a wet rag (you know, a party killer).  I couldn't blame them, heck I wanted to avoid me too! 

Then one day from the bottom of the abyss I decided that I deserve better.  I worked hard to get to where I am and I deserve to be happy so I looked around and found the things in my life that make me happy.  I found my DH. I found my other DS.  I found my sister.  I found my hobbies (camping, canoeing, hiking, and recently I tried zip lining!).  I started enjoying my life and every time my mind wandered toward the abyss I would force it away by thinking of something I enjoyed.  I adopted sayings like "No news is good news" and "Not my circus, not my  monkeys" and I said them to myself every time I thought about my DS's situation.  It took a long time, but eventually I got strong enough to stay away from the abyss and eventually my DS figured out what I knew about my DIL.  He had his own lessons to learn and he honestly could not learn them with me interfering because he blamed everything that happened on my interference.  Once I was out of the picture he had to blame the proper person and since I wasn't there........well, you get the idea. 

There does come a point in our children's lives when they have to take responsibility for themselves but they have blamed us for every thing bad that has happened to them.  The only way we can get them to accept the blame is to step out of the picture.  We are Moms, stepping out of the picture is very difficult for us.  It is the last big lesson that we have to teach our children, like pushing them out of the nest.  Some of us are lucky enough to have them come back, some of us are not.  Our job now is to be happy.  We finished parenting now we can live our lives for ourselves.

Good Luck!!!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
« Last post by luise.volta on July 25, 2018, 01:31:40 PM »
Hi, r., Oh, I know the feeling. Have tripped over my 'garden variety' expectations many times. I do know that, for me, where I focus is my experience of life. For that reason, I refuse to give my thoughts 'equal time'.

50 to me is incredibly young...since I am 91. Hugs, dear friend...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Just a venting day
« Last post by raindrops_on_my_soul on July 25, 2018, 09:14:10 AM »
Every once in awhile I feel like venting. I think today is one of those days for me. Lately I've been thinking about the choices I've made in my life. I became a mother at a very young age and I totally invested myself in the role as mom. I stayed home and never pursued a career or anything else because I felt like being there for them was the right thing for me to do. Now of course that they're grown and have been for quite some time ( they're both in their 30s ) I realize I should've made it less about them and more about me. At least that's how it feels. Perhaps if I had I wouldn't feel this emptiness that I now feel. My relationships with them have not turned out the way I hoped and expected they would. I don't expect a lot but I don't even get the bare minimum. My oldest son that lives out of state never has my two granddaughters to interact with me on any level. No calls, no photos. Simply nothing in spite of my requests for those things. I've asked so many times in the past with promises that he would make an effort to see that these things happen but they were just empty words. I gave up on that and never ask anymore because I got tired of it. My youngest son is nearby and I see him once every week or two but only because I make the effort. He rarely makes contact on his own and isn't much of a talker. I don't feel valued even though I sacrificed so much. I stayed married to their father for many years because even though he was a sorry excuse for a person I felt stuck and didn't want to have my kids deal with a broken family. I did finally divorce him when my youngest was a teenager and remarried my now husband a few years later. Now that I'm beginning to get a little older ( turned 50 this year ) I realize that all the investing I've done in other people has gotten me nowhere. My husband and I get along and love one another but he works nights and sleeps during the day. This makes planning and doing things really hard. My in laws are impossible people to deal with and I wrote them off and haven't had anything to do with them for over a year now because I got tired of enduring their rude comments and jabs that I overlooked for years. They hate my presence in my husbands life and I am now done with them. My parents are both deceased and I miss them a lot. I miss being able to go see them or just picking up the phone and talking to my mom. Life sure isn't the same. I think I just feel lonely and people are let downs and I don't feel anyone knows or cares about it. I just wish I had invested in more things that weren't people related and I'd be better off now. Maybe it's because I feel the best years are behind me even though they weren't that great. I just don't feel like the same person anymore, been through too much. Hopefully writing about it will be cathartic. Thank you for allowing me a place to vent.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son rejects me
« Last post by Rainbow on July 15, 2018, 06:16:42 PM »
Hi all.

Not too sure if this is still an open thread...but here are my thoughts.

My DS went through a stage when  whatever I did/didn't do/said/didn't say was wrong! To say it was highly confusing and hurtful is an understatement!

The harder I pushed to try and understand or to figure out the reason or just plan ask "hey what's up?" The more he pushed me away.

In the end I decided to back off. I kept thinking of a frightened animal. Even if you try to help it sadly still sees you as a threat. It hisses and growls and lashes out and even runs away. My DS was acting the same way. So I decided to retreat and be patient.

I stopped the calls, texts, parcels, letters. And instead I did my own thing and waited and waited ... until he saw that I was respecting his space, his adulthood and his wishes. I was no longer a threat and when he realised that he came round. Slowly at first but he came round.

And I also learnt not to repeat the mistakes of old. So now I never judged. When he asked for advice I never gave it but instead always asked him what his gut instinct was and reminded him that 9/10 times his instinct was correct. When he asked for money I said I'll help you sort out a budget but I won't give you money. When he wanted to made mistakes I reminded him that he was only human and we all make mistakes and to cut himself some slack! He couldn't believe the change in his stress free DM!!!

What I'm trying to say is remember that cornered animal. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to leave them alone.

Sending hugs xxx :-*
Gabbi hello.

Just a couple of thoughts for you. Once upon time I was just like your DD. The reason? I was overwhelmed with everything and although I wanted things to be different I just didn't know where to begin. So I too went out and spent money that I didn't have on having fun because it made me feel better and helped me forget the pain.

My DM never judged. She often cleaned the house for me as a treat or did the laundry. But she never commented on why. She just did it. She never made me feel dirty or like a slob. She always said beautiful things to me and reminded me how great I was!

In the end I found the energy (physical and mental) and motivation to change these things for myself. I lost 8 stone. Divorced. Remarried a wonderful man. Have a spotlessly clean home and a DS who knows his DM tried her best even if I sometimes screwed up! We still have horrendous challenges esp with health but we are happy.

Please don't worry about your DD and her family. She'll be ok. You carry on loving her and one day she'll start to love herself and she'll change, but only when the time is right for her. Right now she needs loving words far more than a clean home.

Sending you hugs xxx :-*
Welcome P!  Since you haven't posted the rest of your story for a couple of days I thought that I would just jump in and share a thought or two.  When my sons got to a certain age (mid to late teenager) they started to pull away.  Of course I knew that eventually they would pull away but they still had so much to learn!  My eldest (the one who eventually drove me to this site) moved out of the house, got involved with a woman who was so obviously wrong for him it was unbelievable and proceeded to marry her.  I tried to point out his mistake but that just drove him farther from me.  The more I tried to fix things the worse things got.  My first posts here probably sound very much like yours.  I was sure that I was loosing my son forever and I was heartbroken and desperate.  It was all I ever thought about and all I ever talked about. Thinking back on it I am amazed that my DH stayed with me because I was no fun at all.  He did get to the point where he would not talk to me about it.  Men feel a need to fix things and there was no way to fix this.  Anyway I think you get the idea.

I tried so hard to hold on to my DS.  I talked with him and tried to reason with him but every time we talked he told my now DIL everything we said and she got more and more hurt and more and more determined to win (like we were fighting for control of my DS, go figure).  Anyway nothing improved until I just gave up.  One day I sat down and asked myself why I was trying so hard to be with my DS when I no longer enjoyed his company.  Being around him made me uncomfortable and sad.  I wanted to be around the son I remembered, not the person he had turned into.  So I stopped.  I stopped calling him.  I stopped texting him.  I stopped trying to get him to remember me on Mother's day or my birthday.  It was not easy but I knew I had to.

So how did I stop?  I started thinking about myself.  I started using all of my efforts to make me and my DH happy.  I started saying to myself whenever I thought about my DS "No news is good news".  I started planning fun things for my DH and I to do on special days when I knew I would be hurt by my DS's lack of attention (Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.).  The more I focus on making myself happy (which all mothers stop doing when they have children) the better my life has gotten.  It took a lot of work to turn my thoughts away from what I now call "the abyss" and for years I would occasionally slip into that quagmire of self pity and woe.  Yes I deserved better, yes I was mistreated, yes I had done a good job of raising my DS, yes my dreams of a close family were gone but more than that I deserve to have these later years of my life be happy.  Enter the "no news is good news" slogan.  I also used the "not my circus, not my monkeys" saying when I heard things from family members about what my DS/DIL were doing.  It took years but now my DS is visiting me often and I am getting to know the man he has become.  I am proud of him and I now enjoy his company again. 

So for you I offer this saying to think about:
"What you focus on expands" so focus your attention on the good things you have.

You did a great job raising your sons in very difficult conditions.  You did the very best that you could.  Now it is time for you to enjoy your life.

Hugs from all of us!!

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]