Quote from: still-count? on December 13, 2018, 05:32:14 am
We love our daughters - in-law and feel our sons have chosen wisely

As a mother of both a son and daughter, I thought that when the time came, I'd be in a better situation with my DD.  After all, the saying is that "a son is your son till he takes a wife, but your daughter is your daughter for life"?  Well I must have missed that memo?  As a mother of the DIL to another family's boy/DS I can tell you, the maternal family is not always the one that benefits from the extra attention because they are connected to the daughter.
Nevertheless I think your comment about your DILs is lovely, and I think if you remind both your sons and especially the DILs themselves of this, adding that because of such pride and joy that you would like to see more of them it might help?  It may not solve the in balance immediately, but it can't hurt and maybe reinforcing it over time, will help turn things around in your favour with a little extra consideration.
In the meantime, as painful as it might be (and I know it is) try not to focus on the problem too much, but rather be kind to yourself and know that you deserve all the love and respect, as much as the DILs families do but ultimately, you have to be the master of your own happiness and can't rely on anyone else to fulfil you.  Be happy, it can be very contagious and hopefully enough so to rub off on them that they will want to share in your joy!  
Hugs to you xx

I know exactly how you feel because as a mom of two sons I get the same treatment. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you see the kids you raised and love so much treating you no better than an acquaintance  (until they need something.) When we rarely hear from them and they express no interest in our lives and make no attempt to visit and keep us included in get togethers and so on......the sting of that is incredibly painful. Even more so when you know you have done more and sacrificed more than any other person has and then you get treated so indifferently. It just isn't right and all of us here know it. I do feel the wives have a hand in this because they could include us if it were in their heart to do so. These women don't seem to have a heart at all when it comes to us (the guys family). I think they are quite controlling and don't want us around because we represent something to them that they interpret as threatening. Therefore they do everything they can to keep us at bay and out of the picture. Now I do believe ultimately the responsibility lies with our sons to keep us involved and make sure we aren't excluded. There was a time when I thought  mine might step up and do that but it has yet to happen and I finally got fed up with harboring illusions. I no longer expect that it will ever change and have made adjustments within myself so that I am not going around sad and upset about it, at least not most of the time. I do have my days though when I just can't help it, especially around the holidays when I know their time will be spent with her family and we will come second if at all. We all know people make time for what is important to them. Their actions, or lack of, have spoken volumes. I do get tired of always being the one to reach out or go by to visit but I know that is the only way I will see them. At at the end of the day though we have to accept that there's nothing we can do to change another's heart and we have to learn to take care of and be good to ourselves. Coming here to this wonderful place has had a huge hand in helping me get there. Just knowing I can come here and express myself if I need to or just read and give input has been very cathartic. My thoughts are with you, please check in often!

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My serious issues with my eldest son didn't involve my DIL's family. His 'about face' came when he was in his teens. He decided I was not the mother he would have chosen and his friends had fared better than he did. A mother who virtually never left the kitchen and never spoke a word looked much more appealing. What transpired for me might be of some help to you since he carried that attitude on into his adult life, marriage and parenting.


I eventually learned I was the one who decided my value and gave myself the respect I knew I deserved. My expectations were of my own making. Back then they were the norm in the culture in which I grew up. I got stuck in self-pity for much too long. It was healthy at first but eventually kept me from learning and growing.


My lesson was I mattered, if I said so. Respect wasn't something that another bestowed on me or withheld at will. Self-respect was available. My husband helped me with this and I move beyond would'a, should'a, could'a. We knew we had both been good parents...and the issue was my son's to resolve or not. He choose not. We restructured our lives, looking to what we had instead of what we had lost. My son passed his beliefs on to his youngest son. However, his eldest son and our youngest son never bought into it.


My point is that for me, actually for us, the impasse no longer dominated our well-being. We looked to what brought us joy and fulfillment and healing followed.


Sending hugs your way...

Thank you so much for your responses! They are both helpful, and I am so glad to have an outside opinion. Thank you for answering.

Welcome!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page, check out the board labelled "Open Me First" and read the posts placed there for you.  Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I'd first like to say is that this forum does not offer advice, as none of us is trained to provide that.  We do share, listen and offer support and encouragement. 

What I figured out after countless anxiety-filled days and sleepless nights, after I had attempted many ways to try to get her to leave her boyfriend, was that my daughter's relationship issues were and are her own to solve.  My only job is/was to listen, and sometimes I don't even go there, telling her instead that some issues are her own to figure out (with or without therapy).  I don't want or need to know specifics, things that will only upset or worry me.  When I tried to set up conditions for her boyfriend in order to have him be part of our lives, it just made all of us miserable since it put me in the awkward position of trying to monitor his behavior and led both of them to lie about what was really going on in their relationship.  When I stayed out of the whole situation, my daughter was able to see things more clearly and make up her own mind.  When I stuck my nose in it, she just tended to take his side against me, even if she actually agreed with me.  She did finallly break up with him, but not until my husband and I stepped back and let her see how hard her life was with him and that he had no intention of changing.  That process took way longer than we thought, and I'd have been a basket case if not for this website, supportive family and friends, and a good therapist.

My take is that by inserting yourself into your son's relationship, he won't make his own decisions and come to his own conclusions about his wife.  Instead, I'd focus on things that are within my control, which are finding ways to create my own joy in life.  Yes, it can be done and it is a great feeling of freedom and lightness when it happens.

As a mom I cannot imagine expecting or wanting to be involved or included in such a sensitive and private matter where my sons are concerned. It wouldn't be my place to tell them how often they should or shouldn't be having sex. That, to me, just sounds truly bizarre. I think some things are best left to the couple to deal with and I think this is one of them.

My son called me and said he had just left therapy and was going home to tell his wife he wanted a divorce. He said they have only had sex 5 times in 18 months. They've been married 6 years. He also approached us 8 months after they got married and said they had only had sex 4 times in 8 months. His therapist had told him his wife was probably asexual and he had to decide whether to live with that or not.
She asked him to go to her therapist, who told him wife was not asexual. They started couple's therapy with DIL's therapist.
Husband and I feel angry at DIL for hurting our son for so long. We were kind and supportive and sent them to therapy after the first incident, and then stayed out of it. We never asked them if it was better or not.
This time, we feel angry, and want to make him report to us about the sex. We think he should have separated from her. He did not. He agreed to try couple's therapy.
We feel like we cannot be around them, we are angry at her. Advice, please? We think she is probably asexual, as son's therapist suggested, and feel hopeless about her changing.
Thank you.

My husband and I totally understand "leave & cleave"  and dealt with it in our young marriage with his Mom, but it worked out, and I loved his Mom, and she loved me.  However as parents of 3 sons and 1 daughter, "leave & cleave" is taught so much in our churches, but no word on the daughter-in-laws who are close to their own Mothers, and everything seems to swing that way.  We are in second position, and sometimes not even regarded.  Sometimes I want to scream from the housetop "I gave birth also!  I nursed and parented and raised children!".  We feel as if we have to fit in with our son's in-laws and their culture. Our sons & their families travel to see daughter-in-laws parents all the time, because she wants to be with them. We have to go there or hope to be invited in order to see them. If we step out of line at all, we are scolded. We love our daughters - in-law and feel our sons have chosen wisely, but the who comes first in the parents role is so obvious, it hurts!  Would appreciate some feed-back and wise counsel/answers.

Oh Tona, I am sorry for you and feel your pain! So glad I found this site....I have the same problem and, for years, have driven myself crazy with blame and guilt. Sadly, my daughter now has MS and things have gotten worse. I am absolutely heartbroken over her disease and realize things have gotten worse due to the disease. She now lives with me as does her boyfriend of 20 years. They lost a home I gave them. Things are worse than ever but I do the best I can each and every day. 

Oh the pressure we put on December the 25th!  For some reason most of us believe that if we are not surrounded by loving family and presents galore on that day every year that we are failures at life, love and happiness.  I decided a few years ago that I would no longer be held captive by that particular social phenomenon.  After all there were 364 other days every year and a gathering of my loved ones on any of those days is a great occasion for me!!  I have actively started avoiding celebrating holidays on the days every other person celebrates them.  It is quite liberating to shift the day for celebrating, say Christmas to lets say, December 27th.   Why not?  That way it doesn't interfere with anybody's plans.  I enjoy the holidays much more with this attitude.

Anyway I hope you find a way to make your holidays tolerable and if you don't feel like giving a gift to someone just don't do it.  Giving gifts when you don't want to is giving into the hoopla foisted on us by retailers who want to sell stuff. 

Good luck!