I have been having a bit of a hard time lately as I usually do around the holidays. Every year it's the same old thing. I am always put on the back burner while my son who lives locally celebrates with his wifes family. Christmas day is spent there and they don't come out on Christmas eve either. I am not invited to go spend any time there. Gift exchanging with me has to take place when it isn't interfering with their plans and never with her family present. I am always at the bottom of the rung even though I have done more for him than any human alive. Loans, forget it.......he comes to me for that because her family doesn't have it to loan. If a babysitter is needed for her children ( not my sons ) they only come to me when her family isn't available because otherwise it hurts her families feelings. What about my feelings though, I wonder. I suppose I'm not supposed to have any of those. I feel that if I am not viewed as a member of the family that they want to spend time with during the holidays, why would they want to exchange gifts. And my son that lives out of state never does anything, not even a card. I always make sure that him and my granddaughters have gifts for Christmas but he doesn't even give a card nor does he have the girls call and thank me for my thoughtfulness. The thank you only comes from him and it doesn't seem very genuine. It feels more like it's what he expects of me because it's what I've always done. Nothing about any of it feels good or right anymore, hasn't for a long time. Truthfully, I have nothing to lose by stopping the effort because they haven't given me anything to hold onto. I think this may be the last year I do any gift giving and may not even do it this year. I am tired of the nonsense and the terrible feeling it brings, which is the opposite of what it should be. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself by keeping after it.

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Honestly, he seems like a rotten guy. If your daughter doesn't see that, I'm not sure there's much else you can do. I'm only hoping that your health had improved since you posted. Any updates?

Dear Rockchic,
I hope you are doing well.
I know it's hard when the children that we raised and loved so much turn on us without any reason other than because they're angry and not always from anything that we as their parents have said or done wrong. The thing that hurts the most is not that they're upset but rather that they forget that our unconditional love for them doesn't give them permission to be abusive and disrespectful.
Please be kind to yourself, and if your DD doesn't treat you right walk away, take a break and let her know you'll still be there but only when She is prepared to be civil towards you. Remind her that you deserve to be treated kindly if nothing else!  Hugs xx

Quote from: luise.volta on September 06, 2018, 11:06:56 am
Oh, honey...I'm so sorry. I don't think there is one person here who hasn't had relapses...hoping things aren't the way they are. They do get fewer and farther between. Hugs...

Ain't that the truth!   It's "one step forward, 2 (or what feels like 2 miles) back" but hopefully as Luise rightly put it, the relapses will become less and we in turn can heal. Hugs to you and all (who like me) is having one of those backward moments 😥 Xx

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I came to the same conclusion with my eldest son. By accepting his abuse, I was teaching my grandsons it was Ok.


I, too, had to let go of my biological role and find a new identity. Now, as I look back on it, I'm so glad I did. I deserved better and so do you! Hugs...

Hey Citipearl,
Don't despair, you are worth so much more than your kids could begin to understand.
I hear and feel your pain. My DD treats me like garbage, she yells at me, calls me names, lies and twists things I've said or not said, manipulates, aims to control me and has told me that she hates me because I ruined her childhood. Whereas her brother, thinks I'm ok (well for now anyway).
I used to tolerate DDs abuse so I didnt miss out on seeing my beautiful GD. But that's now changing. I've had enough!  I'm  starting to take a step back, regaining my self respect and not let DD affect me with her abusive treatment, I'm looking after me, because (like you) I have done my best as a mother and until she has walked a mile in my shoes, wont ever fully understand the sacrifices that most mothers make out of love for their (ungrateful) offspring!
Hugs to you Citipearl, you will be ok, hang in there Xx

I got divorced when my three children were 1, 4 and 5. Dad was (is?) an alcoholic and doled out abuse during the marriage and afterwards. Having grown up with divorced parents (who remarried) and lots of anger surrounding everything, I tried not to fall into the trap of berating my ex, their dad. In the 10 years following the divorce, I was the victim of my ex's rage - lost the small house I bought after the divorce and ended up moving based on whatever financial punishment he could come up with that hurt me and by association, our children. Fast forward, my older two kids are successful adults (the youngest is another sad story). They are both married (my daughter to her second husband) and my son has two very young children. I centered my life around my kids - took jobs that would cover health insurance and did not require overtime, attended every sports game, concert, play, etc. Needless to say, I've been scraping by for many years. We haven't had vacations together, it's been years since we saw each other on holidays, whereas dad and stepmom fly them to their home for holidays, took them skiing for years, went on cruises, road trips, vacations in Mexico and the Bahamas, etc. None of this would be a big deal if my kids were kind and respectful to me. Weddings have been awful. I didn't have the money to fly, stay in a fancy hotel and so on. I couldn't contribute money for my daughter's first wedding but my mother would have had we known it was going to be a formal event. Dad and stepmom were center stage - I was set aside. My family was only invited at my request to my daughter's first wedding. They were not invited to subsequent events. I couldn't go to my daughter's second wedding last year without her help so I didn't go. She can't remember telling me she'd help then being annoyed when I tried to work out travel arrangements. (I know, this is long winded!) I've gone through some scary times - was injured and couldn't work four years ago, was briefly homeless. The point (finally!) is that they resent my pointing out that they treat me like I'm not worthy of their assistance in being able to visit them or see my grandchildren. I'm not poor because I was home smoking crack or squandering money on frivolous things but because of post divorce shenanigans by my ex that left me constantly off balance and broke, and setting aside career type jobs for secretarial work. I shared my feelings, especially the hurt I feel because they look down on me and don't care to acknowledge how I ended up this way. I give up. I don't like way they behave towards me and I'm taking the rather large hint to bug off. I'll move forward and expect nothing and protect myself from further emotional distress. Sound about right? At 65, I don't have decades of life left and want to be happy even if it means accepting that I've been cut out of their lives.

Thanks ladies 

In answer to your question SL, to be perfectly honest, having fun is really hard work especially when you're so used to planning things for a group like family, or even just a single child. It's always easier trying to entertain than be entertained I think.

Sure I'm finding that I have to retrain myself to think about what I like and want (to do) and it's tough because it feels so unnatural to me, putting myself first.  But I know I need to (for my own well being) so for the sake of good health I'm making a real effort. 

DH and I have taken to things like trips to the museum, art gallery and even a few strange (but interest and hilarious ventures) like ghost/paranormal investigations (tours), as well as day trips to beautiful wineries, weekend boats cruises, interstate travel and spending more time with our beloved pets out in the park. We both work so have to plan most things for the weekends, but we try to get in a few activities here and there, and we're rediscovering each other as we go too (we'd become strangers over the years because of the kids).

Don't get me wrong,  I still get the pangs of guilt every now and again especially when I find myself doing something like relaxing on a deck chair staring out across beautiful scenery and thinking "gosh wish DD or DS or both were here to see this, or enjoy this with me''!  Oh well.... old habits huh?  I too am a work in progress and yes a bit slow in getting there but I'm sure the  more I practice doing stuff for me the better I'll get at it.  If there's true in the old saying, practice makes perfect, then watch out.....I'm aiming for total perfection!   

Me, too...SL and I'm 91!