April 23, 2019, 04:06:04 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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91
Welcome S!!  I am glad you found us.

When my father was diagnosed with cancer he moved in with my family (Me, DH and two sons, one in high school and one in elementary school).  He was going through a really tough time with his health and we all tried our best to make things better for him and he did an incredible job of not judging my family's norms (which diverged from the way I was raised by vast amounts).  Every once in a while he would let something slip (dinner was too late, why were we playing with the kids instead of cooking....).  The tension naturally invaded my marriage and my DH and I had arguments.  Our house is small so there was no way that my father could not hear the arguments and of course he sided with me (how could he not?).  When he completed his chemotherapy he moved into an apartment because he was regaining his strength.  He wanted out so bad that he slept on the floor for the one night he had before his mattress and box springs were delivered.  I felt horribly guilty and begged him to stay with us for one more night but he was adamant (and stubborn)and off he went.

He rented an apartment close to us and was still available for emergency babysitting and I stopped by often to check on him.   It was the best thing he could have done for me and my DH.  Our lives settled down and my father got a life of his own.  He made friends, joined bridge clubs, enjoyed his life.  We still had him over often, especially for holidays, and I would invite all my siblings from out of town in for holidays too.  Anyway from then until the day he died he never slept at my house and that improved my relationship with him, my DH and my kids.  It was years later that my eldest did things that made me hunt up this website!

Anyway good luck and remember that you deserve to enjoy your life.  Start planning things that you enjoy doing to give yourself something to look forward to.  Hugs!
92
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. Thanks.


I had my dad with with us in his later years but have never lived with either of my sons and their families. It was hard with my dad. We all gave it our best but my husband and I both worked, so my Dad was alone a lot, and when we got home we were bushed.


What you describe is abuse to my way of thinking. Others may not agree. That's the value of a forum...multiple comments are made at times that offer differing experiences.


My take is your grandchildren are going to learn, no matter how everyone tries to hide it, that abuse is OK. Dad does it and Mom allows it. These days, hired domestic helpers are treated with respect and paid...or they move on. To me leaving is what will restore your self respect. It may not be easy to find a solution and follow through but you deserve better than to live in such a toxic environment.


We don't debate or respond with explanations here. This is a 'Take What You Want and Leave the Rest' forum. Sometimes it's useful information and sometimes it's not. We just share and let it go, counting on you to do the same.


Sending many hugs.
93
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Unusual situation son in law
Last post by Slp - October 19, 2018, 10:53:09 am
I have always moved to be near my daughter and grandchildren, I am the only baby sitter they have ever had ages 5 and 9. My son in law inherited his moms house  800 miles away- he also has been arrested (he says erroneously) of computer pornography. My daughter moved with him and my g'babies to the inherited home. I am now ill and she asked me repeatedly to move in with them "for my health and finances" also in the event that he is sent to prison in the coming months. I left home, my drs and family to move in with them. It's been 2 months. He is a nightmare. My daughter doesn't see it. He doesn't work and says he can't with the charges hanging over his head. He has said terrible things to me but not within her earshot and I'm not sure she wouldn't defend him if I said anything. I am now living in his house so it's more than awkward- he was so ugly to my dog I rehomed him and it broke my heart. As far as my health it won't improve but they've gone away for the weekend and left the kids with me also, I take them to school and pick them up etc. Because of what I've read here I feel less alone but there doesn't seem to be an answer for me except at least I'm here for the kids. I don't think he'll go to jail, it's been a year, he's living across state lines and with two small children so I might agree that they don't have anything to charge him with but either way this venue allowing me to learn and to vent is the best, thank u for listening and if there is some answer I'm notnthinking of please share! Btw my daughter has two degrees a high paying job and a lot of friends but she was molested by her uncle for years, possibly skewing her vision of things.
94
Got it! Thank you for your help :)
95
Just got this from my son about your issue. Hope it helps:


Mom, please let her know that her username is ]raindrops and her display name is raindrops_on_my_soul. She needs to sign in using her username. When she posts the other name will identify her to the members.
96
Hi, R., I forwarded your post to our Webmaster. Hugs, Luise
97
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / cannot log in with my usual us...
Last post by rain_drops - October 11, 2018, 08:53:13 am
I can't log in to my usual username, raindrops_on_my_soul. When I try it says username does not exist yet when I try to recreate it I am told the username and email address already exists. I have had this happen once before and that time I was told it was because my email address was bouncing emails. That should not be happening this time because I am using an address that I check on daily. Help please
98
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My daughter is so cold tow...
Last post by Bamboo2 - October 06, 2018, 08:49:55 pm
Welcome, Rockchic.  Luise and the women here really helped me to see that I was also accepting disrespect from my daughter. (I posted a lot on this site about my issues with her back in 2015-2016). It took a while for me to see that I did not have to accept it, and figure out how to call her on it, but I did, and while it felt hard at first to stand up for myself, eventually I began to see that it was really the only way to get my self-respect back.  Plus it was good for me to model creating healthy boundaries, since she was struggling in other relationships, too.  And guess what?  Standing up for myself has helped me to be assertive in other relationships as well.  I'm still a work in progress, but I'm thankful that I gave myself permission to be straight about how I want to be treated, having been supported by some wonderful gals on this forum. 

Wishing you the best!

99
Welcome R.! We ask all new members to go to our home page and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


I had a similar experience with my two adult sons. The eldest knew for a fact that I was the world's worst mother. My youngest was sure I was the absolute best. It took me a while to distance myself enough to realize that neither was true and it was about them, not me.


It took me even longer to realize that the price was too high for me to continue to want things to be different and to endlessly keep trying to fix them. I eventually turned my life around by getting that I was contributing to the problem by accepting the abuse and I vowed to only relate to those that treated me with respect, since to me, that was what self-respect was all about and I had lost that in the process.


None of the above may apply to you but I wanted to share my experience and the peace I have found. Nothing has changed...but I have. That's not true for everyone who shares here. Hope you hear from others, too. Hugs!
100
Hi i have 2 adult daughters my oldest is 28 with  a child  my other daughter is 27 no children. Ive always helped my daughters out physically mentaly and finincally. Im very close to my eldest  she does practically everything for me my youngest doesn't do anything. If the two of them have a row my youngest will ring me up shout and swear at me like its all my fault and puts the phone down reducing me to tears i canot cope with her behaviour towards me. I now suffer depression anxiety and ill health. I was in hospital she never visited she didnt even come to pick me up as she has a car. Even thow i helped her buy one payed fir the insurance tax petrol. She dnt come to see me as often. I toldher the doors always open for her she even has a spare key to the house if she needs anything ie food toilet roll etc i dnt know what to do
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