April 19, 2021, 09:58:51 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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91
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Adult daughter living at home
Last post by gshipit - January 15, 2020, 10:14:15 am
My 35 year old daughter had a nervous breakdown last Spring and we encouraged her to come home.  She was not able to function.  She moved in, sold her condo. in another State and started counseling.  She and her counselor agreed about a month ago that further counseling wasn't needed.  We are looking for the right time to bring up the topic of her determining next steps and a path forward to independence.  The problem is that she is extremely quiet.  Other than meals she is in her room.  She says she is fine and doing well even. My husband and I are ready for her to move on both for her sake and ours since it's hurtful for us that she doesn't want to be around us.  Also, she is very isolated except for going to church and helping to watch our granddaughter so moving forward would seem healthy.  Any suggestions on how we can broach the subject in a way that doesn't encourage defensiveness on her part?  She is an extremely sensitive person and prone to take things the wrong way.  She has been rude to both of us on occasion which we believe to be unacceptable especially considering all that we've done and sacrificed which I won't go into here.   Comments would be very much appreciated!
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Quote from: J Peters on December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 pmWell she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing
I am so sorry this happened to you. I have experienced very similar behavior in my DIL and my son. The phenomenon that your son is in right now is called trauma-bonding. It keeps him jumping to her tune in every situation and he really is incapable of caring about your feelings. If he doesn't follow along with her, then there is hell to pay so he will avoid that no matter what. I know that's horribly difficult to hear, but I have been a party to my DIL's abuse for 10 years now and my son has stood by and watched it happen so I know this to be true. My beloved son has even participated in the abuse, at times. In his eyes, she can do no wrong and if she tells him I'm the villain, he goes along with it. 

I've also been kicked out of their house and it's a traumatic experience. One time just last year I had babysat my granddaughter for 5 days while DIL was sick and my son was working. I had picked her up and dropped her off (a 45 minute drive through two towns each way). When I arrived with granddaughter I was only there about 10 minutes and getting ready to leave. I was telling my son a cute story about their daughter when DIL screamed down the stairs about how rude we were for leaving her out of the conversation. I ran upstairs to relay the same story to her when she rudely told me I needed to "leave right NOW!" My son just stood there and didn't say a word as I ran out of their house totally shocked. Not one word of thanks from either one of them. The next day I get this weird passive aggressive text telling me she was upset about something I said from nearly a month earlier, so now I was expected to apologize. She's certifiably nuts but my son can't see it.
I wouldn't completely write off your son, but maybe just stop reaching out to him and expecting anything in return. An occasional text or phone call to let him know you're thinking of him and love him but nothing more. Hopefully, he will maintain a relationship with you. Time will tell.
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Welcome, M. If that is your given name, please select a new User Name so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under pen Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

Good for you for realizing that you deserve better and holding that line! No easy and freedom doesn't come overnight for most of us but it is possible! That's for adding your encouragement ad good luck!
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Quote from: Stilllearning on January 01, 2020, 06:15:17 ammy DS and his wife are less happy than I would like to see them be but there is nothing I can do to change things for them and ruining my life over it is no longer an option I am willing to allow.
Amen to this! It has taken me a decade of pain, manipulation and humiliation to finally begin focusing on what's important - my own happiness and the relationships that give me joy. 


The difficulty I face is that they (YS and DIL) are still attempting to manipulate me to fall back in line. It's difficult, but I'm trying to hold my ground. Baby steps in the right direction are still steps forward.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: son threw me out
Last post by luise.volta - January 10, 2020, 07:35:40 pm
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I am so sorry that you are up against such a tough situation. None of us here have any training as counselors, we share our own experience and we care. My first thought is that if things had gotten that bad with my son, I think I would have gone to a counselor. What I learned in a much less volatile situation was what was going on with my son had nothing to do with me, even though he didn't see it that way. He simply wanted to blame me for anything and everything in his life that didn't suit him. It took me a long time to realize there was nothing I could do about any of that. He was an adult and he had to find his own solutions and if being estranged from me and teaching his sons to follow in his footsteps was the path he chose, that was up to him.

For a long time, I gave him my power. By that I mean I became the victim of his perceptions and actions and tried frantically to fix whatever was wrong. Eventually, I realized my power lay in how I lived my own life as a person...not as his mother. Like you, I gave it my best and he was no longer my dependent child. My job was done. I turned toward the things that brought me joy and fulfillment and took my life back without him and my grandchildren in it. My son has to deal with life just like we all do and hopefully learn to face the consequences of his actions. I love him and I wish him well. That's the best I can do and I do it silently and from a considerable distance. The only other thing I can think of to share is I'm happy.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / son threw me out
Last post by metrvl - January 10, 2020, 05:27:09 pm
Xmas 2018 I drove 5 hours to deliver gifts. My dil walked out leaving him with 4 kids. 11yr, 6yr, twins 2yr. Stayed one nite n next day when I asked what he was going to do. His work is construction so long hours 6&7 days a week. He reacted to outrageous.. I did not say more than that question. Nor been derogatory in my remarks about dil. He became enraged. Grabbed my suitcase n threw it outside. Grabbed the bedding I had n out the door too. He grabbed me by my arms to throw me out. I walked out. I was shocked n utterly in total confusion. Was bruised n heartbroken. My son has tbi so his behavior has been out of control in the past. He is 33.  He wld not respond to texts and I was blocked on his phone. None of it made sense. Its been a rough year with the sorrow.  My only child. Now xmas 2019 he called but immediately called the number back. He answers n went I into a tirade how I would never see the kids. I just cried on the phone. Nothing was registering. I did not do him wrong as a child, I was involved, loving, caring and there for him. There is history of his erratic behaviors with his entire family on his dads side and no one wants anything to do with him. He burned his bridges and he screams how no one is there for him n he wants me out too.  Just heartbroken I dont kno how the gd kids are or what to do. I am grieving horribly. Any advise?
97
Happy New Year to you J! Sorry it took me so long to get back to you but it was New Years Eve, right? I remember when my DS picked his wife how totally horrified I was.  There were so many things wrong with the match in my opinion.....so many!  I could not keep my big mouth shut.  No I didn't tell him not to do it but I did ask him to wait, just wait a few months, get your feet under you before you jump into such a permanent obligation.  Her response to this request was to move the wedding up.  Well I learned my lesson. 

I suffered through the wedding and the rehearsal dinner.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, trying to smile while my heart was breaking.  Then came the children.  That is when you know your DS is truly stuck in the relationship.  Things were very bad for me for years.  I cried a lot and talked to everyone about how unfair the entire situation was, and it is totally wrong.  I raised a wonderful caring human who married a woman who has done nothing but hinder his chances for advancement both socially and economically.  It hurts my soul when I think about it.  Anyway talking about it all the time did only one thing.  It made people want to avoid me.  The situation was taking all the joy out of my life, ruining my relationships with my family, friends, even my DH.  I turned into a real party pooper.  And then I found this website and it changed my life.

It was here that I found women who knew what I was feeling and really empathized.  Through reading the posts here I found hope that I could once again enjoy my life.  I had to decide to let my DS learn his own lessons in life, his own way, even if I knew it was the hard way.  I stopped calling him, texting him, trying to fix things.  I just stopped.  It took him a few months to realize that I was no longer standing there waiting for him to return, so what did I do during those months?  I learned to think about something else.  I started putting myself first (something that is very hard for good mothers to do).  I spent time planning things for myself and my DH to enjoy.  When anyone asked me about my DS I would say "No news is good news" or "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and move to more pleasant topics.  The change in my life was huge.  I am really having a good time now.  My DH came up to me the other day and said he was the happiest he has been in years and I have to admit that I am too.

So my advice to you is.....you deserve to be happy and you can be.  You can borrow my three mantras (some are repeats but I repeated them daily for years and still do)

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

The third one is really important!  Once I started focusing my thoughts on making myself happy, my happiness expanded.  It may sound selfish but I helped not only myself but also my DH and my other DS and my relatives and my friends.  We are all enjoying our lives more now.  Admittedly my DS and his wife are less happy than I would like to see them be but there is nothing I can do to change things for them and ruining my life over it is no longer an option I am willing to allow.  I matter too.  I want to enjoy the remainder of my life. 

Hugs!
98
Welcome, J. I edited your post because you used an abbreviation of a word that is not in compliance with our Forum Agreement. 

I am so sorry you have been struggling. I know what it is like be shut out by a daughter in law. Like you, I tried everything and had very similar results. For me, the lesson was that my son was an adult and had made a choice that worked for him (although I couldn't fathom why) and didn't work for me. I didn't stop loving him but for my own sanity, I stopped trying to fix it or even be heard. Slowly, I have to admit, I turned toward what brings me joy and have focused on the support available elsewhere in my life and the interests that bring me peace. My job was to raise my son to the best of my ability. I did that and have let go of any lingering expectations. Whew! Hugs to you...
99
Welcome J!  If your screen name is close to your real name please change it to something less identifiable.  Only Luise and Kirk are allowed to use their real names since they started the site and maintain it.  Also we ask all new members to check out the posts in the "Open  me First"  area and pay special attention to the forum agreement to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I really wish I had time to address your situation right now but I am on my way to work and cannot be late.  I will leave this tab open and try to reply later.  For now please know that I feel for you.  I know what it is like to loose your son.  The heartache is almost unbearable.  You deserve better.  More later!  Hugs!
100
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Visited my Son and his GF over...
Last post by J Peters - December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 pm
I have never in my entire life been talked to the way she did.   All was over my wanting to spend time alone - even a coffee with my son.  He moved in with this woman 14 years older then him with 4 kids (one almost my son's age) - moved in 16 months ago, after dating for a week or two.  I have not spent a moment alone with him since.  Well except finally for a coffee for 45 minutes on Friday morning. 

I moved far away 18 months ago.  They have visited me here twice, once with her kids. I treated them like royalty.  I have always stayed at a hotel when visiting.  This time I thought they stayed with my, why not stay with them and see my son more.  I told him I was coming all that way because I missed him and only him.  I should not have gone, I think it was clear they did not want me, I ignored the signs.

I was to arrive Monday, drove down Sunday, but just an hour north of the city my plans for the night sunday and Monday got cancelled.  I called my son if I could come early, he asked his girlfriend and they said no.  I got a hotel last minute.  I stayed with them a total of three nights.  I was given one meal.  Christmas.  That was all.  That was boxing day.  I had christmas dinner at my sisters, and everything was closed for Christmas, so I missed 3 meals and it was 30 hours that I had nothing but yogurt that I found in their fridge.  I said nothing till Christmas day.  To my son, he apologized and told me he was sorry and we would spend time together Friday.   Seems he told "her" and he could now not spend time with me.   In the end I got 45 minutes.  I told him I would not stay there again, he said he understood it was fine..... Friday night I could not stay there another night.   I could list all the things (her family and commitments) that kept him from spending time with me, my last night there I tried to call him to tell him I went to Costco ( I don't have one where I live) he did not answer.  At 9:15 he calls to see where I am, I say I will be there in 10 minutes, they went to bed.  Did not wait to see me my last night I was leaving in the morning.   They also did not get me a parking exemption. I texted him and said I am going to a hotel.   I wanted to from the beginning, I had enough hurt and could just feel his girlfriends dislike of me.  Well she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing,, I was leaving anyway,, but well,,,, When I told her how uncomfortable I was the whole time and how she made me feel she said sorry if I am an open book.   I am sorry this is so long.  I found this and I need advice how to get past this,, obviously I am not talking to my son, he is controlled and brainwashed by her, and my wanting to spend time with him and being hurt that everyone from her family that lives around the corner came first was asking too much.  I need to get over this, know he is lost to me and get on with my life.  Help!
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