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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by Stilllearning on November 26, 2017, 03:19:46 AM »
Luise has, as usual, given some wonderful insights into how to handle your situation.  The only thing I would add is that when my DS mentions things that my DIL needs to change I have always told him that when you are in a relationship you have to accept the faults of the other person.  You cannot expect them to change for you, you must adjust your expectations to align with the way they are.  If you cannot do that then the relationship is....well......doomed.

I think that if you tell your DD that often enough she will stop telling you the faults of her BF.

Good luck!!
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 25, 2017, 10:08:25 PM »
That was really helpful, Luise.  Hopefully I will be able to benefit from your experiences.  I wish I could tell DD about the red flag.  I think part of her knows, but another part desperately wants this to be her forever love.  The counseling idea is good.  It was useful for me when I needed clarity.  At any rate, there will be learning from this relationship, as you say.  Same as from the last one.  We hope the lessons transfer from one relationship to the next.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« Last post by luise.volta on November 25, 2017, 08:44:28 PM »
I learned the hard way that my observations were passed on and it went downhill from there. The 'he said or did' and the 'she said or did' is called triangulation for good reason and the promise not to quote me lasted until their first fight. Then all bets were off. Eventually I had to say I didn't want to know the inside details of the relationship. It was their private business. All I added was that, for me, my intimate, live-in relationship(s) were the most difficult venues I ever experienced but/and they brought me the most valuable lessons of life. Adding, that I had to do it alone, via trial and error. I also passed on the fact that a couple of times, I needed a counselor to help me...but that was very different than involving a family member. And I stuck to it. Not easy. We are all protective and hate to see our not-quite-adult children flopping around.

The fact that your daughter already has 'noted some things that her new boyfriend has to change about himself to be a better partner', is a red flag. He probably has a similar list, right? Oh, oh...

Sometimes I had to pretend I actually had tape over my mouth. Hugs...
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Another Thanksgiving that didn't fail to disappoint
« Last post by Pen on November 25, 2017, 08:27:05 PM »
Yes, great solution Luise! You can't be a doormat if you refuse to lie down.

I know I can't untrain my family in one or two holiday cycles after all these years of allowing their rudeness, but I'm working on it.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Should I speak up?
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 25, 2017, 08:05:21 PM »
Hello, Wise Women!
My DD has a new guy in her life - and that's good in that the abusive ex-BF is unequivocally out.  Big sigh of relief there!  New BF seems friendly, kind and hard-working.

My new dilemma is this: DD has confided in me some things that new BF needs to change about himself to be a better partner.  What is my role here?  Listen and shut my mouth?  What about when she asks my opinion?  I know she is carefully "reading" my facial expression and non-verbals, and it's unfortunately too easy for me to speak up, even if it's just in a generic way about relationships, or examples of situations that I know of that are similar to what she is facing.

True confession: There are some things that I wish she hadn't shared with me and I worry that more is coming as the two of us  spend more time together next month. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with an AC sharing too much information?   

She has a tendency to move quickly in relationships, and I worry that she will be married within a year, with children soon to follow.  They've only been a couple for a few months and already she is living with him and his roommates.  I've spoken up about that - she claims she had to get out of a bad roommate situation (it WAS awful) and there is no one else to live with.  But I'm sure this is her number one preference anyway.

Any opinions are greatly appreciated.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 25, 2017, 07:34:32 PM »
Hi Nikncon,
I recognize your name from the archives, which I read extensively when I first joined WWU two years ago.  Sorry that your DS  sent you that email.  You responded perfectly!  I wish you all the best!
 :) Love that, Luise! 
I had to come to the point of no return before I was able to face something similar, S. I anguished over it way too long before I decided to pick up my dignity and move on. 'I matter'. That was the silent stand I took. My husband was in my corner...(if not in the kitchen)...and brainstormed with me. We didn't have the money to go on a cruise, so we started taking mini-trips over Thanksgiving, no two alike. We studied destinations, gathered data on different Bed and Breakfasts and considered routes including points of interest. We took along good books, slept in, walked on a beach when there was one, and ate like Royalty on Thanksgiving Day. We came home refreshed. It reminded us that we were a couple before we were parents. It was wonderful! We simply told the clan we were spending our holiday giving thanks that we could spoil each other. I'm a widow and those are some of my loveliest memories. Hugs...

Well I had a similar but different experience.  My DS/DIL and the two grands (2&4) showed up early as planned but they did not offer to do anything.  I finally got to the point where I was requesting things like can you set the table and such and all of my requests were quickly and graciously answered so that part was OK.  Once dinner was done DIL collected the plates for me and left me to do the dishes.  Once the dishes were done I realized that DS and DIL were both asleep on the couches in the den. The 2 year old was down for a nap but the 4 year old was watching tv so guess who got to look after the 4 year old?  You got it!!

So I got to spend the rest of the afternoon watching her and then came the bath for both of the girls, the third total melt down for the 4 year old and off they went home.  All in all it was a totally unsatisfying Thanksgiving day and so now I am considering not inviting them for Christmas.  I have not decided yet because I am waiting for the distaste to fade first.  I put a lot of effort into making the day great for everyone else and I saw zero return on that effort. 
     Thinking of you R. Wondering, since it was what sounded like a repeat performance, if you feel it served anyone? If not, what would you change that is about your life, not theirs?
     Where my experiences, which were similar, eventually took me was to change what didn't work for me while getting that what my eldest son, his wife and their children did was about them to change or not. They chose to continue but/and not in my home. I choose to no longer participate in the lesson they were teaching; that abuse was acceptable.      Did I lose something? Yes, my garden variety expectations. Did I gain something? Yes, my self respect. Hugs...
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