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Welcome L!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Sorry but computer problems had me out of touch for a while.  I certainly remember being where you are!  The decision to turn my attentions to other things was less of a decision and more of a desperate act.  The harder I tried to "fix" things the worse things got.  I was totally miserable and so was everyone around me.  I had turned into the person nobody wanted to sit next to.  I couldn't talk about anything else and talking about my situation brought no relief, no comfort and no solution. 

It was the wonderful women on here that told me that I deserved better.  I really hadn't considered that I could have a life even if my DS was not in it.  It was beyond my comprehension that I could be happy if I didn't hear from him.  Then one day I realized that when I did not contact him, I had a better day.  I stopped calling him.  I stopped texting him.  I stopped chasing after him trying to fix things.  Life improved.

Over time relations have gotten much better between my DS and myself but when I stopped contacting him I had no idea how things would end up.  I really had to give him up to get him back.  I look at it like this (now).  It was like I was always knocking on his door, always, always.  Occasionally he would open that door and I would say something about how I hadn't heard from him or seen him in days/weeks.  He would get disgusted and close the door.  I would return to knocking, knocking, knocking.  Eventually he would gird himself for another confrontation and open the door and I would again say something about how I hadn't seen/heard from him in days/ weeks.  No wonder he didn't want to open the door!  So when I stopped knocking he didn't notice for a while but eventually (months later) he opened the door and found me out enjoying life.  I had fun things to talk to him about.  I didn't even bring up how long it had been because I was too busy telling him about my camping and canoeing trips.  It was a real difference!

I know you read my post that has my mantras on it:
https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,7915.0/topicseen.html

I won't go through the work of rewriting those !

I do want to say that if you decide to pull away like I did you should be aware that once you climb out of "the abyss" it is really easy to get sucked back in.  It will happen almost before you know it.  I would start thinking about something and it would lead to my DS and down the rabbit hole I would go.  For me the only way to stay out of "the abyss" was to use my mantras.  I still pull them out and use them when needed.  I just found out that my DIL thinks she is a man.  WOW!  Talk about "not my circus, not my monkeys"!!

Anyway your DD has her own lessons to learn now.  You did your best raising her but your job is done.  It is up to her from here.  Take your life back.  Have some fun.  You deserve to enjoy your life.

Sooooo many hugs!!

Im sorry to hear about your situation, mine is no different. I feel that these children are deriving a huge amount of satisfaction from the results they get by ignoring us, or worse making hurtful comments that cut deep. It is so stressful to ignore that and try to build a life that does not include them and also is very painful to see other families get on with their life and find my situation so alien to them.
As a parent none of us are without some guilt, but when your child starts to question your parenting, the guilt magnifies and is then set in stone as you are not allowed to argue back, for fear of recriminations ,like total rejection.
I think that the solutions given here are great, but it is a hugely painful thing to do. Also there are the mutterings of friends and extended family that of course it must be the parent's fault, especially for  Mum and daughter relationship.

I live in hope that life gets better.

Im just off the phone to my adult daughter who has spent the last hour telling me she does not love me and wants me out of her life and swore at me several times, she was drunk. This has been relatively recent as she has started attending therapy and says that she can't believe what a terrible mother I am/was. At 21 she left to live abroad and has made some bad choices. Her father and I split up when she was 14 and it was not a good split. I met someone else  and married and she likes him. However his family and her don't get on as she is wayward. Now they have kids and thats a big part of our life and she feels left out. I know she is using this cutting off  as a backlash to me, as tha is her only outlet as I am supposed to not care about them, and only her but she is an adult. Its just jealousy, but I have tried to give her a lot of attention and that is not working at all. 

I have tried daily to talk to her but she has now told me she wants nothing to do with her father or me or her extended family. She has an other sibling who she talks to but not very often either. She wants to cut me out. Im devastated and hurt by her comments, im in tears daily.  I don't know where to go with this. She laughed when I started crying. I keep asking to visit or her to come home , but nothing pleases her.

I would like to hear from you all.

Guess what ladies!  My DIL has decided that she is a man.  Talk about out of the blue.  WOW!  And my poor DS has decided to stand by 'him' until my DS cannot stand it anymore.  I suspect that 'he' will threaten suicide when my DS decides he cannot take anymore.  'He' is not attracted to females, 'he' just feels like a male.  My DS is a saint and I am totally blown away.  Unbelievable.

Greeting G!  Sorry your post fell through the gaps!   We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have also been caught in the "trying to help"trap.  It really stinks when we start out with such good intentions and we end up in so much trouble!!  When it happened to me I just backed off.  I haven't offered any help since.  There have been a couple of times when they have requested help but I don't ever offer it anymore.  The harder thing is to stop offering advice.  I want so much to guide them away from making mistakes but they bristle anytime I offer any words of wisdom.  Oh well.  Hugs!

Darn it. I hate that I can't edit here. Typos and bad grammar. 

Please disregard. It's why I stopped posting.

Hello

Someone here once told me to look this up sometime. It's been 5 years now since the DIL cut me out. 

It's been a long road for me, I did well with he help of some of the beautiful people here. Thank you. 

I do believe she is a narcissist now and finally found this the other day. There isn't much help for us out there. This site was a godsend for me. 

So. Here is something I SO wish I had learned 10 years ago. 

https://youtu.be/lPdsp1NZz-w

my dil was put on medication for the remainder of her pregnancy. I called the pharmacy to pay in advance but they told me she hadn't filled it, it was 5 ago she should have filled it. She needs this medication so she doesn't go into pre term labor. I tried calling her twice the other day and sent her a message, no reply. She does this to her family. Ignores them until she is ready to talk. So I sent a text that I was trying to help and if she was ignoring me that was fine but I wanted to help. She calls me and starts talking to me like I'm the child. Saying I make everything an issue. I play victim and i crossed the line.This has happened in the past where she twists my words and I told her call me when my son was also listening so words weren't twisted. She hung up on me. Later my son calls and we are all on the phone and she again tells me things and I told her she is hateful. She doesn't have a close relationship with her family but our family is close,  until she came along. Please advise.  Did I cross the line when I was only trying to help. Keep in mind we helped the first month of medication trying to get a pharmacy to fill it. Thats the only reason I called to pay in advance.