November 18, 2019, 07:11:59 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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Good for you! :)
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: What have others done abou...
Last post by Cookie - January 04, 2019, 03:42:57 pm
Thanks Luise and Bamboo2.  I like the idea of keeping the happy memories and discarding the objects/photos that bring me grief and that don't make me smile. 

I see that keeping memorabilia that bring up hurtful memories is just another way of continuing the abuse that my son used to heap on me; well, no more.  I have choices!  And I choose good feelings and good memories (and good relationships NOW, with people who love and respect me NOW).  Small steps to growth. 

I think I'll look in one of those boxes today and throw out some negative junk....
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: What have others done abou...
Last post by Bamboo2 - January 03, 2019, 10:47:55 am
Welcome, Cookie!  Very sorry to hear about your estrangement.  Although my experiences are not the same, and my daughter is back in contact with us and has made some positive changes, it has been and continues to be abundantly clear that there was a four-year period that is just not healthy to revisit. (She called me in the middle of the night last week, crying uncontrollably about an issue with her current boyfriend, and I realized how close to the surface my memories are of those four years). I have photos and journal entries from that period that I would read over from time to time, and they just served to bring me back down to "the abyss", as WWU moderator Still Learning so aptly describes it.  I've also figured out that I really can't spend any time thinking about the hurt and unfortunate choices we all made during that time---hers in isolating herself from family and living with an abusive boyfriend, and ours of trying so hard to keep her in our lives and convincing her to leave him.  I've intentionally chosen the path that is most peaceful for me.  I've even talked with my husband about not bringing up that painful time in conversation with me or others as it does not move us forward.  During that time, I kept a few items at hand that heartened me, like old Mother's Day cards she made for me or gave me, that reminded me of the heart of gold that I know she had.  I think the idea of keeping the things that bring a smile to your face and discarding the rest is great!  Warm wishes coming your way!
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Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. Obviously this is a 'canned greeting' but necessary for clarity. There are many kinds of Websites, some of which thrive on debate and criticism. At WWU, we listen with compassion and share our experiences. We aren't professionals and don't advise.


I have personally had the issue you are pondering. I came up with the same solution you are considering. I went through my photos and selected the ones that brought me happy memories and put them in a scrapbook. The rest brought me deep grief and I discarded them. I haven't had any regrets and I did it quite a while ago. That doesn't mean you might not have regrets...we are all so different. For me, I didn't want to erase the evidence of the lovely times when my son was little and our relationship was a loving one. At the same time, I didn't want to be reminded of it's disintegration. Hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / What have others done about ph...
Last post by Cookie - January 02, 2019, 09:21:23 pm
Hi all,

I am wondering what you all have done about photos and memorabilia of grown children who are now estranged.  My son has been estranged from us for over 4 years. I am so very thankful I found this site; it has helped me a great deal since I began reading older posts and hearing the experience of others who also have estranged children. 

I have processed through many of the emotions regarding my son's actions, yet I am really stumped on what to do with photos, school and military memorabilia, and some other memorabilia from his childhood.  It hurts me to look through these items, and yet I also know (from a relative who he is close to) that he doesn't want this stuff from us:  We had tried to leave a small box of his keepsake things with a relative to give to our son, and this relative told us to wait awhile, until our son is no longer mad at us.

I have been waiting and waiting.  I have the storage space for the items (it's a few boxes worth), not a big deal space wise, but emotionally??  I just want all this stuff out of my space, it reminds me of the hurt hurt hurt.  Yet, I want a nice scrapbook for me to keep about him, to remember the fun and good times when he was growing up.  I have hundreds of photos of him and our family.  Am I off base to even want to keep a simple scrapbook? 

Any insight and sharing of your own experiences is most welcome.  And thank you all for being here. 
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Take heart. I am 91 years old and I'm still learning and growing. Change is the natural by-product. Hugs...
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Yes, it's going to be hard at 64 but I really want to change. Thanks again, Luise.
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And even one step further? Blaming yourselves for taking it. You did that. And that's where your power lies, it seems to me...in making other choices. You are in control of that. You can't change others but/and you can change you! Yippee-yay!
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Thank you Luise and Bamboo. Yes, it is terribly hard for me to even consider putting my wants and preferences first. I have been repeating your words Luise, "they are adults and responsible for their actions" and "it's a whole new world where there are consequences for them and choices for others" -- my new mantra!

I have also been repeating your words, Bamboo, which are great! "Now is our time. We matter. I matter." I am repeating those words to myself as I go about my day so it sinks in and starts to feel natural.

As I sat down and contemplated the holidays I realized I exhausted myself and spent way too much on ungrateful rude adult kids. I blame DIL for the way DS is behaving and I even blame her now for the bad attitude of my unmarried son who is keeping a distance from all of us because of her. But it is time to put all the blame where it belongs -- on each one of them for treating DH and I like dirt.

Thank you again, ladies, for your support as I make 2019 the year I stand up for myself -- at long last. Hugs!!
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Hello, and welcome to WWU!  So good to hear that you put yourself first!  I used to put myself last, too, and realized that I got walked on a lot, letting my daughter know that my feelings, time, money didn't really matter.  Now is our time!  We matter!  You matter!  Happy New Year!!  Hugs!  :)
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