May 28, 2020, 06:12:52 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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71
What a horrible mess!!

Since your DIL gave birth recently maybe you could just chock it up to postpartum stress.  Those hormones can really mess your thinking up and she may still recover her good senses if you give her time.  If you respond now you will only throw more fuel onto a fire that you do not want to burn.  Your DS is probably at his wits end defending you and catty remarks like the one about "giving birth" will probably haunt your DIL in time.  Of course none of this helps you

Here is how you help yourself.  Plan a trip for yourself and your DH.  Go somewhere you always wanted to go.  Spend the money you would have showered on your new granddaughter.  Invite your DD to go with you.  Visit the museums you always wanted to see, or go shopping with your DD.  What do you love to do?  Do it!  And while you are having a ball (this is the hard part) stop thinking about your DS and DIL and their issues (yes, their issues, not yours!).  Parenting is a learning process and you and I both know that they have a lot to learn!  Give them the space to learn their lessons (my bet is your DIL's mother has a few to learn too!).  If you aren't in the way they won't be able to blame you for anything, and trust me if you are there they will almost certainly blame you and make your DS's life miserable defending you.  I know this is not an easy thing to do so I will offer you my mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

These three saved me and my DS married a bipolar wife against my wishes.  Talk about having to pull my mind away from something!  Ouch!  I finally decided to call that swirling quagmire that sucks my mind into such utter darkness and despair "the abyss" and now anytime I feel my self getting sucked into the abyss I pull out my three mantras and repeat them to myself and anyone around who brought the subject up.  Everyone in my family has heard them repeatedly over the years and eventually they have learned to avoid the subject also.  Finally my life is good, I mean really good!  My marriage is wonderfully solid (it was touch and go there for a while!) and I am planning a trip for next year with my DH and my younger DS.  This year I have spent getting two new knees, not fun at all but at least I live in an age where they can replace them instead of living in the pain I was in. 

Life is good!  Go out and live it, don't waste your golden years trying to fix something that is not in your realm of responsibility.  Put it on the back burner and ignore it.  Time wounds all heels.

Hugs!
72
Thank you for your response and now my DIL has weighed in. She called me to tell me she sent me an email she would like to me to read. I read the email and am quite unsure how to proceed. Basically, she said that she was very hurt by DD and that really DD should have called and stopped by. DIL said it was also no one's business who she chose to see or not see during this time of recuperation, that it was her choice. She also said that since neither I nor my DD have given birth (my son and daughter are adopted), I cannot relate to how she feels. And that was the end of the email. I am more hurt now, both at the condescendng tone and I feel like DIL threw it in my face that I am not my son's bio mom, but I could be wrong. What a horrible mess.
73
Grandchildren / Re: Torn
Last post by Stilllearning - May 23, 2019, 02:36:08 pm
Hi R!  I find it amazing that a 15 year old is texting and sending pictures to his father in the first place.  I would try sending him some silly texts and pictures like when you get caught out in the rain or dribble ice cream down the front of your shirt or anything that lets him know that you are as imperfect as anyone else.  See if that breaks the ice.

Good luck!
74
Welcome H!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My saga started much less amicably than yours.  My DIL let me know in no uncertain terms that I was waaayyy down on her list of priorities.  In retrospect it is almost comical the extremes she went to in order to make sure I felt "left out".  I was not invited to the rehearsal but I was asked to host the rehearsal dinner (which I did).  I found out they had purchased a house after they had moved in and then only by figuring it out from clues on that horrible website Facebook (I was a real estate broker at the time, but they didn't want my opinion!).  I found this website a few weeks before that horrible wedding, when I had to smile and nod in spite of my breaking heart.  This site.......wow, what a lifesaver this site was!

It was here that the wise women told me that it is my job to be happy.  It is my choice what I think about and the less time I spent thinking about my DIL the happier I got.  The truth of the matter is that when I pulled back and stopped trying to 'fix' things my DS eventually noticed.  We were always a close family and he missed us too.  When my first grand was born I stopped by while my DIL was in labor and treated my DS to a meal in the hospital cafeteria.  He got a call to hurry back to the room so we left.  He called us a little while later and asked us to stop by to greet our new grandchild but I said no, let DIL's family have their time and I will see my new granddaughter later.  I think he was surprised by that.

Anyway as time has passed (grands are 5 and 3 now) my DS has made a real effort to connect with us and I have made equal strides to connect with both him and his daughters.  My DIL visits if she feels like it, or not.  Whatever. 

So my thoughts to you are you are dealing with two Mom's of only children and they tend to be really, really, really picky.  If your DS has another child then all of that pickiness will go out the window, kind of like that commercial.  If he does not then you just have to wait until your grandchild is old enough to make their own decisions as to whom she likes.  My bets will be on the grand who doesn't hover over like she is a piece of china.  After all it isn't over till the fat lady sings and I don't hear any music! 

There will probably be others who will chime in!  Hugs!!!
75
My first grandchild was born two weeks ago. My husband and I just got back from seeing her and it was not a great experience. We live 6 hours from my son and his wife and the baby-we did not go see the baby the first week as my mom was recovering from major surgery and I was taking care of her. Well, a few days ago my husband and I headed to the see the baby-my son asked us to visit for three days and my husband and I stayed with my daughter, who lives an hour from my son and DIL.



Just wanting to give you some history here: DIL's mom was with her while DIL gave birth. I never asked to be in the room, knew that was not my place. DIL's parents live thirty minutes away, DIL is close to her mom, she is an only child. DIL and I do not have a bad relationship, but it is not a close one. I would have wanted to have a stronger relationship with DIL, but she has never really seemed to have a need for such a relationship and I did not push.



Anyway, my husband and I get to son and DIL's house. My son is beaming with pride as he greets us. DIL's mom comes in with the baby. She proudly tells us how well my son did during labor, that the baby's nickname is nicknamed Cissy (baby's name is Cecile) and that the baby looks just like their side of the family. DIL's mom hands me my granddaughter, warning me to be careful of her head and not to drop her.



I felt my stomach drop. I have two children, I know how to hold babies. I didn't need to know who the baby looked like, I wanted to see that myself and the info about my son doing well in labor seemed to me like DIL's mom was gloating and rubbing it in that she was there for the birth.



Anyway, my husband and I visited for three hours. DIL did not come out from her room, I was told she was not feeling up to company.



The next day, my husband and I came back with takeout-enough for my son, DIL and her mom. DIL's mom tells us she never eats takeout and lists the reasons why it is bad for you and that DIL doesn't allow "junk" in the house. My son admitted that DIL  has been interested in eating healthy since she was pregnant and that yes, she was not crazy about takeout, but it was no big deal.

After my son said this, I again, asked about DIL and her mom said that DIL again, wanted to rest, she would not be seeing us.



I asked my son if DIL's labor was that hard and he said that DIL just really wanted to sleep while she could. My husband and I stayed for almost four hours. Like the day before, DIL's mom never left us alone. My son went and got the baby and the MIL watched us like hawks. I  felt really uncomfortable and said to DIL's mom that if she wanted to run errands or check on DIL, we would be fine. DIL's mom said she was fine and wanted to stay in case  "anything happened."

What did she think was going to happen, that we would take the child and run off?



The last day of the visit, we only stayed two hours. My son took lots of pics of us holding the baby and some video as well. Again, no DIL, but her mom stayed right there.  I asked about DIL, again told she was not up for visitors.



My husband and I left. I was very hurt at how I was treated by DIL's mom, like I was not good enough. Then I find out today a different story.



My son and daughter run a business together. About 3 hours after my husband and I left for home my daughter went to my son and DIL's to drop off his cell phone charger. She told me that when she dropped it off, DIL was sitting on the couch, joking, laughing with her family, who were there visiting.



My daughter, who knew that DIL did not visit with us when we were there, told DIL she was glad she was feeling up to company, because she had heard the opposite story. My daughter said didn't say anything, she stopped laughing and knew she had been called out.  My son was not home when this happened, he had gone to the airport to pick up more of DIL's family.



I am insulted by how my husband and I were treated. DIL was not up for company when it was her husband's kin, but for her own family , she is fine. Do I tell my son about how I feel or say nothing?

76
Grandchildren / Torn
Last post by raindrops_on_my_soul - May 21, 2019, 09:35:27 am
Hello everyone,

 I am writing today to talk about my grandson. Neither me or my son have been welcome in his life due to his mother and her family. We have only been able to see him a few times when he was a baby so there have been no opportunities for a relationship to develop. At the time that she became pregnant her and my son and her were living together. This was 15 years ago so many years have passed now. But this girls mother did not approve of the relationship and created influences that made things untenable, so by the time she gave birth to my grandson that relationship had ended. As I said we tried to keep communication open and did what we would to no avail. The only choice left was to stop trying and give up, which we did. She married someone a short time later and that man took the role of father and we never heard a word from them in all these years. Not one bit of interest was expressed in us or having the child develop any kind of relationship with us. A few months ago she contacted my son and said that her marriage  was not going well and they had separated. She said my grandson wanted to know my son and communicate with him. So it began. Some phone calls between them, mostly text messages but it was a beginning so that was nice. I started texting him too slowly to ease into things. I told him he was free to contact me anytime he wanted. But not once has he initiated any word with me. When I do reach out all I get are one word answers. At first I thought it was because he is shy and has some social issues going on. But then I found out that he actually does initiate texts and conversations with my son, even sending pictures and such so I can't blame it on that. I have been patient and waited for him to maybe develop some interest in me but that has not happened and it's been over 6 months now. I was considering going to see him when my son does this summer but now I'm not so sure that is the best thing. I don't want to chase something that isn't there and everything be one sided. I would like for there to be at least a hint of interest on his part but I don't see any. I am also thinking of me here because I don't want one sided relationships, I have had enough of those to last me a lifetime. It is also a rather long trip to make and I would be ok with that but not if it is going to be a trip no one wants but me. Thoughts anyone?
77
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: daughter in law.
Last post by luise.volta - May 19, 2019, 07:19:40 pm
Welcome, Mrs. V. If that is the first letter of your last name please change your user name to protect your anonymity. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage, and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a Monitored Site. 

I have had some similar but in no way identical issues in my own family. I tried everything I could think of but came up against a wall of pre-conceived notions I wasn't able to alter. A lot of heartache followed and I found it extremely hard to rise above it. In the end, that's all I could do. Others think and do what makes sense to them. A very difficult lesson for me to learn. I ended up doing my best. No one can ever take that away from me.

I hope someone else has a more positive spin on your situation. That's what I love about our forum. In the meantime, I am sending you good wishes and hugs.
78
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / daughter in law.
Last post by Mrs.V - May 19, 2019, 12:33:56 pm
2nd daughter-in-law of 7 years has started showing anger and real attitude about the relationship I have with my 1st daughter-in-law,threw other people,not once has she spoken to me directly. X daughter-in -law is also my 1st grandsons mother, and my life long friends daughter.My Daughter-in-law has a daughter the same age as my grandson,and they have our youngest granddaughter together.All of whom we love dearly and have never shown any difference in any of our grand children. My son and his wife get him every other weekend but I seldom see him during this time, nor would I want to take anything away from their time with him. My x daughter-in-law will let me have him any time I ask, always lets me know of up coming events in my grandsons life,if he's sick or needs anything.I don't feel I should have to give up just to please my daughter in law, but would ,just to keep them all happy and in my life.My daughter in law is one to rule the situation.If shes not happy everyone pays. My youngest had her PreK graduation last night and we found out by pictures she posted on FB. I have 5 grand babies my youngest is the only graduation Ive missed.  I feel this is just the beginning of a really bad situation if I don't find the right words for her. Found out today she thinks I told my x daughter-in-law about my son better paying job so she can take them back to court for more money. Really.I never discuss my son personal life with anyone. Not sure where that came from.Any advice?
79
Welcome back, M. No small wonder you are stressed! It seems to me the more you give the worse it gets. Did you set any boundaries after they moved back in regarding what you would and would not tolerate?

I hit a place with my eldest son that in some ways reminds me of your situation. (I also have a younger son who hasn't taken the same road at all.) My eldest did a stint in the Marines in Viet Nam right out of high school, came home, and married at 20. He was a young, unseasoned adult who thought he was all grown up. They didn't live with us but our relationship still deteriorated when they immediately became parents. 

I look back, now, as a great-grandmother, and see a huge credibility gap between young adult and mature adult. My son found pretending he had it all handled daunting and decided it was all my fault. He never was able to reverse that position and walking on eggshells became the norm. He, like all of us with few exceptions, had to make choices and suffer the consequences regarding the lessons life had to teach him. Blame is an option for some. I wonder if he thought I should have done a better job as a mom, so he could skip 'learning his way into responsibility'?

It seems to me that your home is being violated. Your 19-year-old is still your responsibility but your elder son and his family are not. You have still offered support while they are in school. However, it doesn't seem to me that abuse and disrespect should be part of it. I know it is and feel, from what you have written, that you are about to take affirmative action to restore peace and quiet in your home. Is that the case?

We are here for you and will walk with you whatever you decide. I just want to add that I think you deserve better and the only person who can give that to you, is you.
Hugs...
80
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / daughter will not speak to me
Last post by my2girls - May 09, 2019, 06:11:03 pm
My 22 year old DD, her 24 year old fiance and 3 year old GD all live with my self, DH and youngest DD who is 19.  My 22yr old DD does not speak to us, she will answer some questions with one word but rarely anything more especially with me. I have tried to speak to her, ask her if something was wrong or if she was upset about something , nope she says. Awhile ago maybe 4-5 months ago she did tell me and my husband that we treat our youngest daughter so much differently than we treat her. I really dont think that we do but our youngest daughter and us get along very well and have a great relationship. I dont know what to do anymore, I try to speak with her, ask her if she wants to go bumming around at stores or out to lunch, her response is usually she is busy and never will mention it again. I asked her today if I made an appointment to go to speak with someone if she would come with  , she said no I would not!  DD does alot of activities with her fiancecs family sometimes multiple times per week but she is always to busy to join us to do anything. Both my DD and her fiance work partime and are in their last year of school fulltime. We have kicked them out before because of how disrespectful she was to us. They all came back last year and things were good for the most part but now she just doesnt talk to us! Her Fiance and my GD come ome or she gets a phone call and she is the happiest laughing person you ever met, I dont get it and it is stressing me out!!!!!
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