July 17, 2019, 02:33:53 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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21
OMG Lyn,
You're telling my story! Our situations are 95% identical.  I have 2 children,  10 years apart,  one of them (married daughter, her husband and our only grandchild) living in our planned retirement property that we put her into when she told us she was pregnant. We did it to help her out because with a baby on the way and his unstable work,  it would have been difficult.
Like you they are living rent free and won't even help with simple things,  but worst of all,  are keeping us from the baby threatening that if we try to evict them we'll never see her again,  but we don't see her much now!  
My daughter blames me for not having friends because I wouldn't let her go out late at night. She blames me for not paying her enough attention, not taking her to fun places unlike her husband's mother,  who is wonderful and more like a friend to get SIL and hates that we weren't like them. 
Seems that apart from the blatant lies and delusional episodes my daughter suffers memory loss too, and has completely dismissed repeated trips to Disneyland, the snow,  the beach, the zoo etc.
Maybe I imagined those effects???
22
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Daughter blames me for events ...
Last post by Lynn - April 28, 2019, 01:23:16 am
I have two daughters that are 10 years apart. My oldest started having behavioral problems when my youngest was born. We figured it was normal and did the best we could to deal with it. Now my oldest is now 31, a single mom of 2, and lives about 45 minutes away with my youngest daughter in a house that my husband and I own. The only thing that we ask is that she pay the mortgage (which is half of what the going rent is in that area)and keep the house up which she struggles to do. I receive very little communication from her unless she needs money or a favor of some sort. I tried expressing that I would like to spend more time with her and my grandchildren as I felt our relationship had become a bit distant over the years. She tells me that she doesn't want to sound mean and then implies that I was a terrible mother and brings up things from her childhood that never took place. Then she blames me for not taking her on vacations when she was young like her friends parents did and so on. I explained that unlike some we actually lived within our means which on a couple of occasions when employment was lost saved us from losing our home. All she seems to focus on is what we didn't provide her. She acts as if we were absent parents while she was growing up which isn't true at all. My youngest doesn't share in her views and is actually wanting to move closer to my husband and I. I struggle with not giving up on trying to have a better relationship with her. My relationship with my mother is nonexistent and I didn't want the same for us but I almost feel like I am forcing the issue.
23
Hi M!  Sounds like you are taking a giant step in the right direction!  When I first decided that I deserved to be treated better it was a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I hadn't realized that as a Mom I had taken on the responsibility for the way my DS was acting.  After all I raised him so it had to be my fault, right?  I was so wrong!  When they get to be adults they are responsible for their own reactions and we, as parents, are not to blame for their mistakes or failures.  Congrats on finally reaching that point!

The next thing I had to deal with were the trips back to what I now call "the abyss" because it sucks you under and drowns your happiness.  It starts with the negative thoughts about myself and how I had to have failed and how I deserve to be treated better and how the DIL's FOO gets all the time with my grands and how they live so close to my DIL's FOO and it spirals downward.  My DS never calls me,  they don't visit,  they wouldn't even notice if I died......I found it so easy to follow that downward spiral that made me feel like dog poo, not worthy of anything.  Here are the mantras I use to pull myself out of the abyss:

1)  What you focus on expands
2)  Not my circus, not my monkeys
3)  No news is good news

You can probably make up better ones than mine but reminding myself of these always seems to bring me back to the thoughts that bring me joy.  I still use it when I find my brain visiting places that bring me angst.  I just don't want to go there.  Good luck on your journey and remember that we are here for you if you need us!
24
Thanks ladies,

Yes these commandments are accurate, came from a place of hurt and (yes deep) resentment, both of which are injuring no one but me.  I've been kicked down quite a bit over the past few weeks since posting them, and I'm just rising to my feet again only this time I am determined more than ever to take my life and whatever dignity I can salvage, take care of myself, and communicate to everyone (especially) my hurtful and disrespectful adult daughter, that if she wants a mother I'll be here for her but if she wants a punching bag, join your local gym; I'm done with being beaten up by her (and myself later)!
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26
Hi, M., My experience was I got stuck in those 10 commandments. I was important that I go there and face my feelings but I failed to move on for a long, long time. That didn't hurt my eldest son, it hurt me. Eventually, I got that 'I only had one enemy and she was wearing my shoes'. What a lesson for me. We all take different paths. On many occasions, I have really dragged my feet, lesson-wise. Hugs...
27
Hi M!!  I know the resentment that oozes from your post.  Been there, done that.  At least for a while, until I found this website and decided that I deserve better.  I decided that following those commandments was actually doing a disservice to my ACs and grands.  I was teaching them that I was not deserving of common decency and that it was acceptable to treat people the way that I was being treated.  It is not.  Ever.  Period.

Once I decided that I deserved to be treated better there were several things I didn't do.  I didn't call my DS and tell him.  I didn't let him know that I resented the way he had been treating me.  I accepted the fact that I had allowed the situation to escalate to its present condition by deciding that my DS had all of the power over the relationship just because he had fathered two wonderfully cute and loving children.  I stopped looking at what was wrong in my life (relationship with DS/DIL) and started looking at what was right in my life (DH/younger son).  What you focus your thoughts on expands, so in the next few weeks I tried to think only about the parts of my life that brought me joy.  Whenever my thoughts wandered into the realms that brought me angst I would drag my mind away with the mantra "No news is good news" and force myself to think about something else.  It took a lot of practice but it gets easier with time.  It didn't take long for me to see the difference!  My relationship with my DH improved almost immediately.  I hadn't realized how unimportant he was feeling because all I could think about, all I could talk about was how to "fix" things with my DS/DIL.  Once I stopped that and started concentrating on him, my relationship with him and our enjoyment of life, well, what can I say, that part of my life expanded and I started living again.

Eventually my DS noticed that I not calling.  Not texting.  Not trying to 'fix' things. (It took a while though!) We have now settled into a very comfortable relationship where I get to see my grands fairly often (could be more if I wanted it to be).  He comes over and brings the grands and we spend the day catching up on everything.  He calls me every once in a while and I return the favor (but not too often...).  I am finally happy with my life and deservedly enjoying my golden years.  I hope you can get here too!

Hugs from ALL of us!!!
28
1. Thou shall not ever say anything that isn't praising of the AC
2. Thou shall not uninvited texts or phone calls to AC unless they are in reply to those of AC
3. Thou must never display signs of confusion, forgetfulness, hurt or disappointment because of AC words or actions
4. Thou must never express an opinion unless one is requested by AC 
5. Thou must always be agreeable to AC comments or behaviour no matter the consequence
6. Thou must give of their time unconditionally at any hour of day or night
7. Thou must never deny the AC anything, including affection, money, accommodation
8. Thou must never ever (ever ever) have an opinion
9. Thou must give and give and give, and even when there is nothing left to give, take from others to give to AC
10. Thou must be grateful for AC permitting them to be in their (or their children's) presence
29
Dear Delia,

It is heartbreaking when our adult children are unkind, in either their spoken or unspoken communications and as difficult as it is, please understand often it's not about you, it's about them.  They are the ones choosing to behave so cruelly, whether they mean to or not.

The best way to deal with hurtful situations is to remind myself that I cannot control how others behave but I can control how I react to their behaviour.

Hugs to you
xx 
30
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: my adult children are mean...
Last post by Della - January 28, 2019, 11:48:49 am
My 2 adult girls do not communicate with me much.  I was divorced when they were young.  One had ADD and was always a struggle to get her to pick up her room.  I thought things were pretty good but now when they are in their late 30's it's painful.  If ask them and their husbands to go on a trip or dinner or anything most of the time they say no.  I can feel the tension when around them.  I can pick up on the body language.  One doesn't hesitant to ask me to babysit and the other doesn't hesitate to ask for help if she strapped to pay a bill.  It hurts me so much I am considering taking them out of my Will and leaving all to my grandchildren.  I don't know how to deal with this anymore. How does one deal with this when they just ignore.
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