November 13, 2019, 08:32:17 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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21
Welcome A!!  We are glad you found us.  Now let me get the official stuff out of the way.......

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I have edited your post a little.  If I can figure out the word you meant we edit it out.  Sorry!

I am so sorry that you are in this situation!  My DF was not in the picture so you have an added level of angst that I did not have to deal with.  I am sure that I would have told my DF that I thought he was getting milked every time I talked to him about my DIL (except honestly he would have been furious at the way my DIL treated me and I doubt he would give her the time of day, much less 40k!) but there is not much else you can do about your DF giving his money to her.  If you DD wants the perfume then I would send her the money for postage but I would make it a point to casually mention it to my DF the next time you talk to him.  Once the money for postage is sent (you could send her stamps so she can only use it for postage...) I would put the entire event out of my mind and spend my time trying to enjoy my life. 

Here is what I find happened to me when my DS picked what I thought was a totally inappropriate spouse......I thought about it all the time.  I mean all the time!  The more I thought about it the worse I felt.  The worse I felt the more I complained.  The more I complained the more people wanted to avoid me.  The more people avoided me the more time I had to think.  The more time I had to think the more I thought about.....well you get it!  It was a total circle, a whirlwind, a whirlpool that sucked me down into what I now call the abyss.  I lived in that abyss for longer than I had to, actually I lived there until I found this website.  I was totally miserable and so was everyone around me.  My marriage suffered and my younger son actually lost his mother for a while because all I could think about was my horrible DIL.

Here, in a nutshell (hopefully!) is what I learned.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  If I am unhappy thinking about something that I cannot change my only option is to stop thinking about it and start thinking about something else.  So now when my mind starts its descent into the abyss I pull it back and start thinking about something else.  Something that makes me happy.  Something that I enjoy.  It puts me on an even keel and lets me be happy.  I am just too old to let my life get hijacked by something that makes me so sad and mad. 

It has been a few years since I pulled back and stopped trying to fix my DS's life.  I adopted a couple of mantras that might help you:

1) Not my circus, not my monkeys
2) What I focus on expands

Anyway since then I have figured out some things.  My DS had lessons to learn (we are all learning lessons still, even me!) and my constant interjections were actually blocking him from learning those lessons.  He has since learned most of those lessons and we are closer than ever.  Honestly his wife has gotten much better in the last 6 months, a change in medication is working wonders, and for the first time I can see a glimmer of the person he fell in love with.  Things might work out OK in the long run.  Who knows?

The point is that maybe both your son and your father have some lessons to learn and perhaps your best position is on the sidelines watching but not coaching or interfering.  So for now go have some fun and forget about it.  When you cannot change things, worrying about them only ruins your life.  It never helps.

Hugs!!!
22
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by animal_farm - July 27, 2019, 03:39:16 pm
My son left at 18 and joined the Army. He met a woman with a son online. He got married at 19. I begged him not to. Anyway my new DIL hates me. She brags about being a mean person. She controls my son and uses my two new grandkids to keep him hooked.

I could go on and on about what she has said to me, calling me a bad name etc... over the years, but I won't. I really try to keep the peace but she is a total gold digging control freak and very manipulative. My son is an imp in her presence as she doesn't let him do anything without her permission. 

I just have a question. Last time we visited Alaska where he is stationed, I had to leave a gift there that my dad gave to my daughter. My dad and step  were there along with my DIL'S parents. We couldn't take the gift on the plane. It was perfume.

My DIL if refusing to send it via mail to my daughter unless we send the postage when she said in front of my dad that she would send it to us in CA. She was sucking up to my parents as they are rich. Am I being to sensitive about it?

I'm really mad. She is a money grubber and wont do anything unless there is something in it for her. My dad paid 40 grand for her attorneys fees for her first kid against her ex husband. My dad didn't bother to include me on that decision BTW. My DIL threatened my son she would leave him if she lost custody of her first child. BTW...she was pregnant with my first grandchild when my son married her. I suspect she trapped him. I warned him about that too.

My dad, my sons granddad spends money on them that we can't afford and has made my husband and I look like paupers. My DIL treats us like dirt as a result.

So am I being too sensitive about the postage? She looks for every angle to get others to buy her gifts and give her money.

Have any thoughts? I need some wise women to get some perspective on this.

Annoyed





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Dear N, The issues you describe are beyond the scope of our Website. There are no professionals here. All we can do is share our own experiences and hope they help when there is no crisis surfacing that appears to need intervention. When I feel more is needed, I close the thread after recommending a counselor. I'm in your corner 100%!
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My Dil was sexually abused as a child. After many years, her mother gave custody to her grandparents. She hasn't seen her mother since she was 9. She is 21,a mother to my precious 3 year old Gd, but has serious mental illness. She went off all her medications months ago. I love her dearly. I've told her that I consider her the daughter I never had. Somehow though, I am the enemy. One minute she loves me, the next she's upset with me because one of my friends commented on a FB picture how much my gd looks like me. She said it's rude of them to leave out her mom and dad's influences when they comment. Another friend mentioned how Gd was a good girl and got her love for Jesus from her Nana. We had gd birthday party at our home. All went well. Until people started commenting on the pictures she posted. I'm not at fault here but I'm left to be the bad guy. I've apologized. I bend over backwards to keep drama to a minimum. I hate walking on eggshells. Our family Dynamics have changed considerably since they married. My son has no say in anything they do. She's a stay at home mom but sleeps all day. Her GP care for gd.(She had them move in with her GP after living in my deceased mother's newly renovated home rent free) because she let it get so piled up with junk. Instead of cleaning it up, she ran away from it and there it sits with all their belongings still in it. When son comes home from work, he has to clean, cook, run errands and care for gd. That's how she was raised around her GP and GM. Gp still does all the work while gm sits on the couch and yells and tells him what to do next. She must be in control of all situations. My family means the world to me. I know I'm not perfect, but Jesus loves me and I strive daily to be more like Him. My husband is ESRF. I have a lot on my plate as it is. It would be wonderful if I had the support and love of my son and dil instead of trying to hold it all together and make sure she doesn't get mad or upset about something that doesn't really make any sense. We are just a typical middle class Christian functional family who have never experienced anything like this before. I do live with the fear that she could snap at any moment and we'd never see our sweet gd again. I'm tired. It's always a mind game with her. She goes to a Christian counselor as do I. I don't know what else I can do to show her that I love her. I haven't given all the scenarios obviously, but this is just a drop in the bucket. Our family desperately needs prayer. We need a move of God to break the chains that bind my dear Dil. Thank you for listening but most of all thank you for taking our lil family to the Throne of Jesus! Any suggestions would be appreciated as well. Thank you and God bless you all!
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Welcome G!!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

I had a long discussion with my YS about parenting and its pitfalls.  I told him that he was going to be a great Dad when he decided to have kids but then I followed it with this caveat....when your son/daughter gets to be a teenager they are going to think you are really stupid.  It is part of growing up, it is implanted in their genes to make them leave the pack and strike out on their own.  It is a very difficult thing to live through both as the parent and as the child.  I watch the baby birds this time of year follow their parents around hounding them for food.  It is like the parents cannot eat without the babies being right next to them with their mouths open and their little wings fluttering making the parent feel guilty about every morsel they keep for themselves.  Of course eventually the parent gets sick of it and flies off and never looks back.  They eventually have no choice but nature planned it that way.  It is all a part of life.

My eldest pulled away big time and it hurt me so bad that I thought I would die.  He married a girl we did not approve of and had two children (who are awesome!).  It has been years since the wedding.  Years filled with anguish, resentment, hopelessness and finally acceptance.  The truth is that he has the right to pick his wife and live his life and I have no right to stop him.  My parenting days are over but his are just beginning.  Years ago I stopped trying to 'fix' things and just let the chips fall where they may.  Eventually he noticed that I was no longer knocking at his door and begging to be let in and he started making his own moves toward reconciliation.  It has worked out well for me but I have to be honest.....when I gave up I really gave up.  Whether he came back to us or not did not matter as much as the fact that I needed to retain my dignity and I needed to attend to my marriage (which was sorely hurt by my constant attempts to fix things).

I take the fact that your eldest is on your side to be a true plus.  Remember that what you focus on expands and focus on your eldest and your GC and your DH.  Go out there and enjoy your golden years!!

Hugs!
26
My daughter and I have struggled with our relationship ever since she became a teenager.  My son, who is 5 years older got mixed up with drugs in high school and got severely addicted, resulting in my husband and I taking in his baby girl in 2015.  We did our best to "compensate" for our daughter in the situation and NEVER imposed babysitting on her! (she was just finishing her senior year in HS when we got our granddaughter). We knew she already had resentment so were very careful about that.  She met a man while waiting tables....he waited for her to have her 18th birthday and took her on their first date the next night (we took her out on her actual birthday). It was a long time before we knew about their relationship....we weren't pleased....she had at the last minute decided not to go away to college and instead stay home and go to Community College.  When she was 20 they broke the news that she was pregnant.  She quickly moved in with him, continued school, but was breaking away from not only us but her friends as well. He started to isolate her, we only saw her when he was at work, never see them together.  We made her promise, no wedding until she has her degree..she was on track for nursing school. They promised, next thing we know she has a ring and they are planning a wedding for May, when she was supposed to finish her Associates degree and he would finish his as well for his job at the local electric company.  I told my husband I DID NOT want to pay for this wedding. He has always indulged her. He did not back me so a wedding was being planned.  I could not get enthusiastic about it so my daughter found another reason to resent me...I was not happy for her yet his family (he's 9 years older than her) was thrilled.  At one point I told her, if the situation was reversed and it was their 20 year old daughter they would feel the same!  Come time for delivery..they announce they want no one in the delivery room.....OK....I don't like it, but what can I do.  So she's going to be induced....I show up at 8 a.m....and sit in the waiting room ALL DAY! I understand you don't want anyone there when she is born...but I can come in and give you a hug and let you know I'm there during the long waiting hours! NOPE! I sat there until 5 p.m.....he didn't even step out and tell me how things were going...I just got the "group texts" he was sending to his family...like I wasn't even there. Come to find out my daughter didn't know I was there!!!! So now here we are....we paid for this expensive wedding....I was treated HORRIBLY the day of the wedding...my husband had his "father of the bride toast" all prepared and was never given the opportunity to give it...until after the reception is almost over, they approach him and let the photographer video him giving it in a corner in the reception hall......then she comes home from the honeymoon and says that I'm toxic and she wants no more to do with me....yet they still want to move into our rent house! I am furious and want to keep her at a very long arm's distance...my husband is not on the same page...says he's hurt and mad, but I can tell he will do whatever he can to keep her in his life...he's giving in to the emotional blackmail.  Oh! And before I end....our son came to us (he came back to our state after being gone over 5 years and is now clean and trying to rebuild his life) that they asked him "are you satisfied with the way mom and dad are raising your daughter?" For me....that was THE LAST STRAW!! He told us that is why he stays away from them......I am so hurt, so mad....I can't believe my own daughter would treat me this way!!!! Thanks for listening.......
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: daughter in law.
Last post by Stilllearning - May 25, 2019, 09:24:59 am
Hi MrsV!!  I am glad you found us!  I have been thinking about your situation and one thing stands out......why did your DIL wait 7 years to start getting an attitude?  Do you think maybe she is having problems with your DS?  Not that it changes matters any but it might make it easier to forgive her. 

Other than that I agree with Luise.  I can only change myself and by and large every time I have tried to suggest that my DS do something differently I have run into a brick wall.  So I learned to focus my life around things that make me happy and ignore the parts I cannot change that make me upset.  My parenting time is over, my DS's parenting time is here.  He will learn his lessons just like I did.

We are here if you need us!!
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It is because it is so upsetting that you need to take your mind off of it.  Go do something fun with your DD today but make it an absolute must that you do not discuss your DS/DIL and GD.  You should make up a code word like Ice Cream to use to get the other person on another subject.  It could go like this....

"So what is your favorite flavor of Ice Cream?".......

It will be comical after a while, take the pressure off and you will be helping each other learn to point your thoughts in a more pleasant direction.  Have a wonderful holiday weekend!!

Hugs!
29
It is very upsetting. My DS and DD had a huge argument as well. He accused her of snooping and creating drama and she accused him of forgetting who his real family is. He told her his priority is his child and wife and told her she is banned from his house until he apologizes to my DIL.
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What a horrible mess!!

Since your DIL gave birth recently maybe you could just chock it up to postpartum stress.  Those hormones can really mess your thinking up and she may still recover her good senses if you give her time.  If you respond now you will only throw more fuel onto a fire that you do not want to burn.  Your DS is probably at his wits end defending you and catty remarks like the one about "giving birth" will probably haunt your DIL in time.  Of course none of this helps you

Here is how you help yourself.  Plan a trip for yourself and your DH.  Go somewhere you always wanted to go.  Spend the money you would have showered on your new granddaughter.  Invite your DD to go with you.  Visit the museums you always wanted to see, or go shopping with your DD.  What do you love to do?  Do it!  And while you are having a ball (this is the hard part) stop thinking about your DS and DIL and their issues (yes, their issues, not yours!).  Parenting is a learning process and you and I both know that they have a lot to learn!  Give them the space to learn their lessons (my bet is your DIL's mother has a few to learn too!).  If you aren't in the way they won't be able to blame you for anything, and trust me if you are there they will almost certainly blame you and make your DS's life miserable defending you.  I know this is not an easy thing to do so I will offer you my mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What you focus on expands

These three saved me and my DS married a bipolar wife against my wishes.  Talk about having to pull my mind away from something!  Ouch!  I finally decided to call that swirling quagmire that sucks my mind into such utter darkness and despair "the abyss" and now anytime I feel my self getting sucked into the abyss I pull out my three mantras and repeat them to myself and anyone around who brought the subject up.  Everyone in my family has heard them repeatedly over the years and eventually they have learned to avoid the subject also.  Finally my life is good, I mean really good!  My marriage is wonderfully solid (it was touch and go there for a while!) and I am planning a trip for next year with my DH and my younger DS.  This year I have spent getting two new knees, not fun at all but at least I live in an age where they can replace them instead of living in the pain I was in. 

Life is good!  Go out and live it, don't waste your golden years trying to fix something that is not in your realm of responsibility.  Put it on the back burner and ignore it.  Time wounds all heels.

Hugs!
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