January 25, 2020, 02:35:05 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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Welcome, J. I edited your post because you used an abbreviation of a word that is not in compliance with our Forum Agreement. 

I am so sorry you have been struggling. I know what it is like be shut out by a daughter in law. Like you, I tried everything and had very similar results. For me, the lesson was that my son was an adult and had made a choice that worked for him (although I couldn't fathom why) and didn't work for me. I didn't stop loving him but for my own sanity, I stopped trying to fix it or even be heard. Slowly, I have to admit, I turned toward what brings me joy and have focused on the support available elsewhere in my life and the interests that bring me peace. My job was to raise my son to the best of my ability. I did that and have let go of any lingering expectations. Whew! Hugs to you...
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Welcome J!  If your screen name is close to your real name please change it to something less identifiable.  Only Luise and Kirk are allowed to use their real names since they started the site and maintain it.  Also we ask all new members to check out the posts in the "Open  me First"  area and pay special attention to the forum agreement to be sure we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I really wish I had time to address your situation right now but I am on my way to work and cannot be late.  I will leave this tab open and try to reply later.  For now please know that I feel for you.  I know what it is like to loose your son.  The heartache is almost unbearable.  You deserve better.  More later!  Hugs!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Visited my Son and his GF over...
Last post by J Peters - December 29, 2019, 07:11:21 pm
I have never in my entire life been talked to the way she did.   All was over my wanting to spend time alone - even a coffee with my son.  He moved in with this woman 14 years older then him with 4 kids (one almost my son's age) - moved in 16 months ago, after dating for a week or two.  I have not spent a moment alone with him since.  Well except finally for a coffee for 45 minutes on Friday morning. 

I moved far away 18 months ago.  They have visited me here twice, once with her kids. I treated them like royalty.  I have always stayed at a hotel when visiting.  This time I thought they stayed with my, why not stay with them and see my son more.  I told him I was coming all that way because I missed him and only him.  I should not have gone, I think it was clear they did not want me, I ignored the signs.

I was to arrive Monday, drove down Sunday, but just an hour north of the city my plans for the night sunday and Monday got cancelled.  I called my son if I could come early, he asked his girlfriend and they said no.  I got a hotel last minute.  I stayed with them a total of three nights.  I was given one meal.  Christmas.  That was all.  That was boxing day.  I had christmas dinner at my sisters, and everything was closed for Christmas, so I missed 3 meals and it was 30 hours that I had nothing but yogurt that I found in their fridge.  I said nothing till Christmas day.  To my son, he apologized and told me he was sorry and we would spend time together Friday.   Seems he told "her" and he could now not spend time with me.   In the end I got 45 minutes.  I told him I would not stay there again, he said he understood it was fine..... Friday night I could not stay there another night.   I could list all the things (her family and commitments) that kept him from spending time with me, my last night there I tried to call him to tell him I went to Costco ( I don't have one where I live) he did not answer.  At 9:15 he calls to see where I am, I say I will be there in 10 minutes, they went to bed.  Did not wait to see me my last night I was leaving in the morning.   They also did not get me a parking exemption. I texted him and said I am going to a hotel.   I wanted to from the beginning, I had enough hurt and could just feel his girlfriends dislike of me.  Well she came downstairs, called me all kinds of horrible things and told me to get out of her house.  My son did nothing,, I was leaving anyway,, but well,,,, When I told her how uncomfortable I was the whole time and how she made me feel she said sorry if I am an open book.   I am sorry this is so long.  I found this and I need advice how to get past this,, obviously I am not talking to my son, he is controlled and brainwashed by her, and my wanting to spend time with him and being hurt that everyone from her family that lives around the corner came first was asking too much.  I need to get over this, know he is lost to me and get on with my life.  Help!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: confused
Last post by luise.volta - December 24, 2019, 05:05:41 pm
Welcome, M. If you are Mary B. in real-life, please change your User Name here so you may remain anonymous. 'Confused' might be a good one. 

We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement, to be sure WWU is a good fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have had serious issues with my eldest son and am so sorry you are experiencing that, as well. What I finally learned the hard way and very slowly over time was that my happiness was up to me...not him. I had expectations that weren't met and so did he. Money is a poor basis for a relationship, isn't it? It can buy contempt and manipulation, among other things. What I finally learned was that my well-being was up to me and there were things that were much worse than estrangement. When I got that, I took my power back. For me, that involved going my own way, alone...making my own friends, and creating a life that suited me. 

That isn't a blueprint. We are all different...but I have been a happy camper for years and would never go back. I'm not perfect, no way, but I matter.

Many hugs!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / confused
Last post by Mary B - December 22, 2019, 08:28:52 am
Hi I am 59yrs old I have only one child he is 40 yrs old I had him at a very young age and was not a great mother I even went through a few yrs of a drinking problem when my son got married and had his first child he stopped all contact with me for 8 yrs never asking how I was to any family members Well I found a way to let him know I have been alcohol free for 4 yrs and told him I was going to see about talking to a lawyer about seeing my 2 grand children he finally called me and was very angry . I didnt hear any thing back from him so I emailed him and let him know that there are consaqunches to all this so he put 2 and 2 together and figuared it had to do with money and my will So he finally got back in touch and told the 2 boys ^ and 8 year olds that I exsist and came over with them did I do the right thing in dangeling the money issue ? beacuse he is still trating me the same very poorly I have been mailing gifts and money ect ect and did not even get a Christmas of Birthday card or a phone call I dont know if I should tell him how I feel or say nothing ? desparet for help Mary B
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Welcome J!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. There you will find a list of our abbreviations and acronyms.  Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


DS stands for dear son.  Please feel free to post anytime! 

Hugs!

https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,6650.0.html
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What is a DS?
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Middle child playing head ...
Last post by luise.volta - November 29, 2019, 04:47:47 pm
Hi and Welcome. Once our children are grown and have married it seems to me that the rules change. That's what happened to me at least. My eldest son decided everything he didn't like in life was my fault. I won't bore you with all of the details. I tried to convince him I cared but I finally realized I was keeping the game in place. I told him I had done my best and from that date on, his happiness was his responsibility, as an adult. I turned toward what I wanted to focus on and got on with my own life. Once I was off the game board, I missed him. That's the truth. However, I did no miss the conflict and anxiety. That's also the truth. His childhood was mine to manage, his adulthood is his to manage...as is mine. Good luck. This isn't easy.
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Welcome I!!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I edited your original post to remove your name.  Only the founder of this site, Luise, can use their real name.  You also should change your screen name.  Do not use your email address.  Thanks!!

Now as to your problem you really haven't given us much to comment on so I will be shooting in the dark but I will give it a whirl.  My DS was completely unaware that he was "playing games" with me.  I was well aware of it but I still kept playing because, after all, he is my son and I didn't want to loose him forever and since games were the only way of keeping in touch, well, what else could I do?  I was so incredibly upset and I could not see any way out.  I forgot that there is always a way out.  I stopped playing.  I stopped calling him to stay in touch.  I stopped texting him to see what was happening.  I stopped running after him begging to be included in his life.  I just quit.  It wasn't easy.  I had to force myself to stop.  I had to rehearse and repeat my mantras:

1) No news is good news
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys
3) What I focus on expands

Using these sayings to recenter myself many times a day I eventually broke the "I've gotta fix this" habit and I have grown to accept that his life is his to live, including if he messes it up.  It has taken years but he has come around.  I think that I was stuck in the habit of treating him like my son instead of treating him as the adult he is.  I still object to some of the things he does but I keep to my own counsel unless he asks for advice (which he almost never does).  With practice I have managed to start focusing my thoughts on the things that bring me joy and my life in general has improved beyond belief.  Thinking about my DS's situation still causes me grief so I still try to avoid dwelling on it.  As a matter of fact when my siblings or friends ask about him I always repeat my circus mantra and they hush.  I hope this helps.

Hugs!!
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 I'm a mom of three adult children. I'm struggling with my middle child who has mental disabilities but still can function. I feel like she plays these games to get my attention or to just upset me. She claims to want to make amends yet she then causes trouble and then gets her hubby involved. I'm at my wits end.
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