September 18, 2019, 12:59:07 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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11
Helpful Resources / Re: Letting go
Last post by Bamboo2 - August 12, 2019, 06:52:23 am
This is beautiful, Still Learning!  Thanks so much for sharing it ;D
12
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by Stilllearning - August 06, 2019, 03:26:17 pm
Another thing I learned that might help you is that I control who makes me mad.  When I "let" someone "make" me mad I have given the power to them.  Or rather my third mantra:

Those who anger you, control you.  Take back your power!!

Hugs again! 

Hang in there! 
13
Grandchildren / Re: Jealous grandmother
Last post by Stilllearning - August 06, 2019, 03:07:05 pm
Welcome Jand!  We are glad you found us! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Although your situation is unique in that you are not a blood relative we have had several grandmothers who were in similar situations when their DIL's felt resentful of the love and attention their grandchildren showed to the grands, ignoring the parent. 

I once had a neighbor who's daughter would rather spend time at my house than her own.  She loved playing with my DS (same age)but more than that she loved the hugs that flowed freely from me to any child in the vicinity.  I will always remember the first time I hugged her.  She stood there shocked so I asked if I could hug her again.  She said yes and I spent the next ten minutes asking the same question over and over again and hugging her.  Her mother eventually got jealous too and the little girl who was about 4 at the time was told she could not visit me anymore.  She would sneak away from home anyway and come to my house.  Then I would get a call from her mother asking if she was at my house and I would say yes.  I found out after a few times that she was sneaking over and getting spanked every time she came over but she still came anyway.  My heart broke.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell her she couldn't come over anymore because I didn't want her to get spanked.  She moved away a few months later.  I still think about her and wonder how she is doing.  She is a young adult now.  I hope she eventually found a loving home for herself and her children (if she has any).

I had to face the horrible fact that I could not help her any more than I already had.  Hopefully I let her know that all homes were not like her childhood home and she could set her sights on the home she wanted and not settle for the kind of home she was raised in.  There were many, many indications for me that the home she was raised in was horribly dysfunctional. 

Hopefully someone else on this site will pipe in with some wonderful idea that will save you from the fate I have had to live with.

Hugs!
14
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by animal_farm - August 06, 2019, 11:52:34 am
Thank you for your reply. I raised a good son and I have been so sad that he found a narcissist as a wife. I get gaslighted and ignored unless they want something. Then all I hear are hints as to what she wants me to buy and passive aggressive insults. Then silence until the next round. My DIL brags about her mother being ruthless and cruel too. I can't understand how people can behave like this and be proud of themselves. My DIL calls all the shots and my son does exactly what she says. He has become less than what he once was.  I know I have to move on. I have for the most part. I just can't help getting angry when my DIL does something deliberately to make me mad.

Regards,
The farm
15
Grandchildren / Jealous grandmother
Last post by jand - August 05, 2019, 01:19:42 pm
I have a life long best friend who has always regarded me as family. I am an "aunty" to her kids, nieces and nephews and now considered a grandma to her grandchildren. I have the 3 grandchildren with me more than anyone else as I am retired, usually at home and love being with the littles, spending quality time with them, crafting, playing, going to shows, taking them places etc. My time with them is spent with them and not other things when they are with me. As a recent widow; these kids have filled a huge void in my life. My "friend", who is their maternal grandmother, rarely spends time with them, often bails on plans, lies and makes excuses, but expects the kids to adore her. When the kids are with her; she often naps and makes them spend time alone and find their own entertainment. She constantly gives them orders, chores and disciplines them even when not always necessary. The kids love spending time with me and are very vocal about it because we have so much fun. I have rarely had any discipline issues with them. Long story short - my best friend has abruptly quit speaking to me after she once again bailed on an outing that we had both promised to take the kids to (2nd time). I told her that I thought that it was unfair to the kids. As much as she touted that she was so grateful that the kids had me; she now resents it & is maligning me with the family. If I continue to spend time with the kids; the ripple effect within the family will be huge as I will not be invited or present for many events that I have always been there for. Birthdays, Xmas, school events, extra curricular events... What do I do? I don't want her kids or grandkids to be dragged into this mess.
16
Helpful Resources / Letting go
Last post by Stilllearning - August 01, 2019, 01:52:49 am
I just found this video and wanted to share it with you.   I hope it speaks to you the way it did to me!


17
Grandchildren / Use your money wisely through ...
Last post by rickypauls - August 01, 2019, 12:03:04 am
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18
Welcome A!!  We are glad you found us.  Now let me get the official stuff out of the way.......

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  I have edited your post a little.  If I can figure out the word you meant we edit it out.  Sorry!

I am so sorry that you are in this situation!  My DF was not in the picture so you have an added level of angst that I did not have to deal with.  I am sure that I would have told my DF that I thought he was getting milked every time I talked to him about my DIL (except honestly he would have been furious at the way my DIL treated me and I doubt he would give her the time of day, much less 40k!) but there is not much else you can do about your DF giving his money to her.  If you DD wants the perfume then I would send her the money for postage but I would make it a point to casually mention it to my DF the next time you talk to him.  Once the money for postage is sent (you could send her stamps so she can only use it for postage...) I would put the entire event out of my mind and spend my time trying to enjoy my life. 

Here is what I find happened to me when my DS picked what I thought was a totally inappropriate spouse......I thought about it all the time.  I mean all the time!  The more I thought about it the worse I felt.  The worse I felt the more I complained.  The more I complained the more people wanted to avoid me.  The more people avoided me the more time I had to think.  The more time I had to think the more I thought about.....well you get it!  It was a total circle, a whirlwind, a whirlpool that sucked me down into what I now call the abyss.  I lived in that abyss for longer than I had to, actually I lived there until I found this website.  I was totally miserable and so was everyone around me.  My marriage suffered and my younger son actually lost his mother for a while because all I could think about was my horrible DIL.

Here, in a nutshell (hopefully!) is what I learned.  I am responsible for my own happiness.  If I am unhappy thinking about something that I cannot change my only option is to stop thinking about it and start thinking about something else.  So now when my mind starts its descent into the abyss I pull it back and start thinking about something else.  Something that makes me happy.  Something that I enjoy.  It puts me on an even keel and lets me be happy.  I am just too old to let my life get hijacked by something that makes me so sad and mad. 

It has been a few years since I pulled back and stopped trying to fix my DS's life.  I adopted a couple of mantras that might help you:

1) Not my circus, not my monkeys
2) What I focus on expands

Anyway since then I have figured out some things.  My DS had lessons to learn (we are all learning lessons still, even me!) and my constant interjections were actually blocking him from learning those lessons.  He has since learned most of those lessons and we are closer than ever.  Honestly his wife has gotten much better in the last 6 months, a change in medication is working wonders, and for the first time I can see a glimmer of the person he fell in love with.  Things might work out OK in the long run.  Who knows?

The point is that maybe both your son and your father have some lessons to learn and perhaps your best position is on the sidelines watching but not coaching or interfering.  So for now go have some fun and forget about it.  When you cannot change things, worrying about them only ruins your life.  It never helps.

Hugs!!!
19
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by animal_farm - July 27, 2019, 03:39:16 pm
My son left at 18 and joined the Army. He met a woman with a son online. He got married at 19. I begged him not to. Anyway my new DIL hates me. She brags about being a mean person. She controls my son and uses my two new grandkids to keep him hooked.

I could go on and on about what she has said to me, calling me a bad name etc... over the years, but I won't. I really try to keep the peace but she is a total gold digging control freak and very manipulative. My son is an imp in her presence as she doesn't let him do anything without her permission. 

I just have a question. Last time we visited Alaska where he is stationed, I had to leave a gift there that my dad gave to my daughter. My dad and step  were there along with my DIL'S parents. We couldn't take the gift on the plane. It was perfume.

My DIL if refusing to send it via mail to my daughter unless we send the postage when she said in front of my dad that she would send it to us in CA. She was sucking up to my parents as they are rich. Am I being to sensitive about it?

I'm really mad. She is a money grubber and wont do anything unless there is something in it for her. My dad paid 40 grand for her attorneys fees for her first kid against her ex husband. My dad didn't bother to include me on that decision BTW. My DIL threatened my son she would leave him if she lost custody of her first child. BTW...she was pregnant with my first grandchild when my son married her. I suspect she trapped him. I warned him about that too.

My dad, my sons granddad spends money on them that we can't afford and has made my husband and I look like paupers. My DIL treats us like dirt as a result.

So am I being too sensitive about the postage? She looks for every angle to get others to buy her gifts and give her money.

Have any thoughts? I need some wise women to get some perspective on this.

Annoyed





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Dear N, The issues you describe are beyond the scope of our Website. There are no professionals here. All we can do is share our own experiences and hope they help when there is no crisis surfacing that appears to need intervention. When I feel more is needed, I close the thread after recommending a counselor. I'm in your corner 100%!
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