May 25, 2019, 07:21:16 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Welcome back, M. No small wonder you are stressed! It seems to me the more you give the worse it gets. Did you set any boundaries after they moved back in regarding what you would and would not tolerate?

I hit a place with my eldest son that in some ways reminds me of your situation. (I also have a younger son who hasn't taken the same road at all.) My eldest did a stint in the Marines in Viet Nam right out of high school, came home, and married at 20. He was a young, unseasoned adult who thought he was all grown up. They didn't live with us but our relationship still deteriorated when they immediately became parents. 

I look back, now, as a great-grandmother, and see a huge credibility gap between young adult and mature adult. My son found pretending he had it all handled daunting and decided it was all my fault. He never was able to reverse that position and walking on eggshells became the norm. He, like all of us with few exceptions, had to make choices and suffer the consequences regarding the lessons life had to teach him. Blame is an option for some. I wonder if he thought I should have done a better job as a mom, so he could skip 'learning his way into responsibility'?

It seems to me that your home is being violated. Your 19-year-old is still your responsibility but your elder son and his family are not. You have still offered support while they are in school. However, it doesn't seem to me that abuse and disrespect should be part of it. I know it is and feel, from what you have written, that you are about to take affirmative action to restore peace and quiet in your home. Is that the case?

We are here for you and will walk with you whatever you decide. I just want to add that I think you deserve better and the only person who can give that to you, is you.
Hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / daughter will not speak to me
Last post by my2girls - May 09, 2019, 06:11:03 pm
My 22 year old DD, her 24 year old fiance and 3 year old GD all live with my self, DH and youngest DD who is 19.  My 22yr old DD does not speak to us, she will answer some questions with one word but rarely anything more especially with me. I have tried to speak to her, ask her if something was wrong or if she was upset about something , nope she says. Awhile ago maybe 4-5 months ago she did tell me and my husband that we treat our youngest daughter so much differently than we treat her. I really dont think that we do but our youngest daughter and us get along very well and have a great relationship. I dont know what to do anymore, I try to speak with her, ask her if she wants to go bumming around at stores or out to lunch, her response is usually she is busy and never will mention it again. I asked her today if I made an appointment to go to speak with someone if she would come with  , she said no I would not!  DD does alot of activities with her fiancecs family sometimes multiple times per week but she is always to busy to join us to do anything. Both my DD and her fiance work partime and are in their last year of school fulltime. We have kicked them out before because of how disrespectful she was to us. They all came back last year and things were good for the most part but now she just doesnt talk to us! Her Fiance and my GD come ome or she gets a phone call and she is the happiest laughing person you ever met, I dont get it and it is stressing me out!!!!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Son won't communicate
Last post by luise.volta - May 07, 2019, 09:21:00 am
Good Morning, G. Of course you want happiness for your son. However, he is a young adult and has to want happiness for himself. Treating you with contempt and shutting himself off from any interaction with you surely isn't bringing him joy. 

My sense is that your issue is beyond the scope of this Website and professional help is the next step. You may have already tried that. Again, he is no longer a little boy and you can't make him go. What I might do would be to set some boundaries, as in; counseling and respect or the freebie is over and he will have to move out. He needs to learn that early adulthood isn't a free ride and anything goes...his choices have consequences. It will be very hard to do but I can see from reading your post that you do not want to continue to live in the shadow of your son's abuse and enable him to pout his way into adulthood. That's a 'no go' and may be doing more harm than good.

Before closing this thread, I would like to say that if I were in your shoes, I think I would also find counseling for myself! This is taking a terrible toll on you.

Please know that even if this Website can't help, we can care and we do. Wishing you well and sending hugs.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Son won't communicate
Last post by Glenshellach - April 30, 2019, 08:52:39 pm
My son is 21.  He hardly comes out of his room and gets very angry when he is asked to do the simplest of jobs in the house.  He is cold towards other relatives and takes no part in family get togethers.  He is part way through a degree.  He only has on line friends.  He is untidy - not such a big problem I suppose.  hes clever but not getting anywhere.  Life isn't moving on for him and I can't bare his rudeness and disrespect. Yes living his life in his room.  I suspect he's also sensitive to the mildest criticism and doesn't forgive. He gets hurt and angry but won't resolve anything.  What do I do? I want him to be happy....
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Welcome,L. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.  Also please pick out a different name for this forum.  Luise is the only one allowed to use her real name since this is her forum.  Thanks!

Wow!  What a horrid situation!  Unfortunately I have nothing to offer to "fix" it.  My DS eventually came around once I completely pulled back (and I do mean completely, financially and emotionally) and we now have a developing relationship.  However your situation reminds me more of the situation that my DH has with his sister and she had with my MIL.  She was the eldest and has always resented her siblings just for being born.  She even told my DH's younger sister (while she was in her 60s!) that she should have been an only child.  How do you do that?  I can never figure that one out!  Anyway she never changed.  She is now retired and should be over the less than 20 years she spent with her siblings but she still resents him.  She even took advantage of her demented mother during her mother's last years (until my DH stepped in and stopped it). 

So how do you deal with this?  The same way as the rest of us.  I finally had enough of being mistreated and I decided that trying my best to hang on to a relationship with my DS/ GC was not worth the abuse I was receiving.  That by tolerating it I was teaching my grands that it was OK to treat me (and other people) like that.  I decided that I deserved to enjoy my life and I could do that with or without my DS/GC.  Once I decided that I started focusing on the things in my life that brought me happiness.  When my thoughts turned my DS I would forcefully wrench them back to the things in my life that I enjoy.  My mantras became:

No news is good news
Not my circus, not my monkeys
What you focus on expands

It took a long time and I revisited what I now call "The Abyss" many times and had to pull my thoughts back, but the more I pulled myself back the easier it got.  Things turned around for me long before my relationship with my DS improved.  I started enjoying my life!  What a relief!!

You deserve to enjoy your "after parenting" years!  Hugs!
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OMG Lyn,
You're telling my story! Our situations are 95% identical.  I have 2 children,  10 years apart,  one of them (married daughter, her husband and our only grandchild) living in our planned retirement property that we put her into when she told us she was pregnant. We did it to help her out because with a baby on the way and his unstable work,  it would have been difficult.
Like you they are living rent free and won't even help with simple things,  but worst of all,  are keeping us from the baby threatening that if we try to evict them we'll never see her again,  but we don't see her much now!  
My daughter blames me for not having friends because I wouldn't let her go out late at night. She blames me for not paying her enough attention, not taking her to fun places unlike her husband's mother,  who is wonderful and more like a friend to get SIL and hates that we weren't like them. 
Seems that apart from the blatant lies and delusional episodes my daughter suffers memory loss too, and has completely dismissed repeated trips to Disneyland, the snow,  the beach, the zoo etc.
Maybe I imagined those effects???
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Daughter blames me for events ...
Last post by Lynn - April 28, 2019, 01:23:16 am
I have two daughters that are 10 years apart. My oldest started having behavioral problems when my youngest was born. We figured it was normal and did the best we could to deal with it. Now my oldest is now 31, a single mom of 2, and lives about 45 minutes away with my youngest daughter in a house that my husband and I own. The only thing that we ask is that she pay the mortgage (which is half of what the going rent is in that area)and keep the house up which she struggles to do. I receive very little communication from her unless she needs money or a favor of some sort. I tried expressing that I would like to spend more time with her and my grandchildren as I felt our relationship had become a bit distant over the years. She tells me that she doesn't want to sound mean and then implies that I was a terrible mother and brings up things from her childhood that never took place. Then she blames me for not taking her on vacations when she was young like her friends parents did and so on. I explained that unlike some we actually lived within our means which on a couple of occasions when employment was lost saved us from losing our home. All she seems to focus on is what we didn't provide her. She acts as if we were absent parents while she was growing up which isn't true at all. My youngest doesn't share in her views and is actually wanting to move closer to my husband and I. I struggle with not giving up on trying to have a better relationship with her. My relationship with my mother is nonexistent and I didn't want the same for us but I almost feel like I am forcing the issue.
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Hi M!  Sounds like you are taking a giant step in the right direction!  When I first decided that I deserved to be treated better it was a huge weight off of my shoulders.  I hadn't realized that as a Mom I had taken on the responsibility for the way my DS was acting.  After all I raised him so it had to be my fault, right?  I was so wrong!  When they get to be adults they are responsible for their own reactions and we, as parents, are not to blame for their mistakes or failures.  Congrats on finally reaching that point!

The next thing I had to deal with were the trips back to what I now call "the abyss" because it sucks you under and drowns your happiness.  It starts with the negative thoughts about myself and how I had to have failed and how I deserve to be treated better and how the DIL's FOO gets all the time with my grands and how they live so close to my DIL's FOO and it spirals downward.  My DS never calls me,  they don't visit,  they wouldn't even notice if I died......I found it so easy to follow that downward spiral that made me feel like dog poo, not worthy of anything.  Here are the mantras I use to pull myself out of the abyss:

1)  What you focus on expands
2)  Not my circus, not my monkeys
3)  No news is good news

You can probably make up better ones than mine but reminding myself of these always seems to bring me back to the thoughts that bring me joy.  I still use it when I find my brain visiting places that bring me angst.  I just don't want to go there.  Good luck on your journey and remember that we are here for you if you need us!
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Thanks ladies,

Yes these commandments are accurate, came from a place of hurt and (yes deep) resentment, both of which are injuring no one but me.  I've been kicked down quite a bit over the past few weeks since posting them, and I'm just rising to my feet again only this time I am determined more than ever to take my life and whatever dignity I can salvage, take care of myself, and communicate to everyone (especially) my hurtful and disrespectful adult daughter, that if she wants a mother I'll be here for her but if she wants a punching bag, join your local gym; I'm done with being beaten up by her (and myself later)!
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