November 13, 2019, 07:17:20 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Welcome I!!  I am glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

 I am so sorry for your situation!  I would never wish that on anyone partially because it sounds very much like mine.  I made the mistake of asking my DS (in private) to delay the wedding.  He told his fiance everything I said and it must have come out even worse than when I said it because now her father thinks that I called her a , hmm, lets say a lady of the evening.  No, of course I did not but now I will have to live with that maybe forever.  When she heard she moved the wedding forward by a few months.  Boy did that backfire!

As for attending the wedding, I did and it was the singular most hurtful experience I have ever had.  Don't get me wrong, when I lost my Mom  and later my Dad, both of those were painful.  But at both of those gatherings people were offering condolences, not congratulations.  It was very hard for me to accept their congratulations.  It was difficult to feel so hurt around people who were so joyful.  That said, I am glad I went because it kept the door for communication open and it let my DS know that I had not deserted him.  He knew (and knows still) that I am always here for him.

Don't get me wrong, things have not been all rosy since then.  I was still very hurt and resentful of what my DS and DIL had done to me and were continuing to do.  That did not change until I changed.  I finally decided (way too late!) that my life was too valuable to waste it trying to make things better for my DS especially when my efforts were so obviously unwanted.  So I started concentrating on things that made me happy.  It is amazing how difficult it is as a mother to shift your focus from your child back to yourself.  For some reason we have convinced ourselves that we are not "good mothers" if we stop trying to 'fix' things for our children.  Well, in my case it turns out that my attempts at 'fixing' things were just keeping my DS from learning from his experiences.  He needed to figure things out on his own.  Since I pulled back and stopped offering advice or telling him what I think our relationship has recovered.  He is an amazing parent and I honestly believe that on occasion he tells his wife not to treat me so badly.  What a turn around!  Truly amazing.

As for your question, no you are not being too sensitive but I honestly do not think anything you and your side of the family say will change anything.  If it does more power to you.  I certainly hope it does not backfire like mine did.  If it does, oh well.  I remember when my DS told my DH and I that they were pregnant and the first words out of my DH's mouth were "We have got to move out of town".  Total shock from both of them.  Things have improved since then but still I will never truly love or trust my DIL.  Sad, but true.  I hope things work out better for you!

Hugs. 
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Son is taking DIL's Last Name
Last post by lharak67 - August 15, 2019, 10:42:48 am
Hello Ladies,

I am brand new to the website and came across it via a Google search. I "searched" the topics before I made a post but could not find anything about the situation we now find ourselves in.

My son is getting married in November. Up until the engagement, we had an "OK" relationship with his now fiance.  As soon as the ring went on her finger a new personality appeared. To preface this story, my son and she are both what you would consider "loners". Not very social with a select few people that they would actually call friends. Future DIL has dealt with some depression issues in the past from what we understand. Our son is very quiet and not outspoken or emotional whatsoever. He is an identical twin and our other twin is pretty much the opposite.

When it came down to meeting her parents to talk about the wedding everything was going fine. We actually met at a place that they were considering for the reception. Sometime during the conversation her mother (she is the only child of her mother and father, but has a half sister from her mom) says "wouldn't it be great to have a destination wedding!" Now her sister married a man from Ecuador who is a pediatric cardiologist. They had their wedding in Ecuador and he and his family pretty much paid for everything. My future DIL's mother says "What about Paris!" and the DIL's eyes light up. Now, we are a big family. My husband is one of five and there are many nieces and nephews. On the future DIL's side it is only the parents (both are only children) the sister and her husband, and a grandmother. Paris is great for them but that probably would not work out for our family.  We left the dinner with the thoughts that it was probably just a pipe dream. NOPE...that's where we they wanted to get married. We explained that if that is what they wanted, it would probably just be my husband and I since we wouldn't be able to afford a wedding in Paris along with travel and lodging for our two other sons. We also explained that we were sure that the rest of his family would be disappointed that they wouldn't be able to see him get married. We are a very close family. We suggested that they get married at home and honeymoon in Paris. We pretty much nixed the idea on our end. Well...that didn't go over from what we understood. It wasn't until a month or two later that we learned that she was so depressed that we said we weren't supportive of the idea and that she spent three days in bed because she was depressed.  Eventually, they decided to get married locally, but our relationship has not been the same ever since. She stopped coming over to our house, she hasn't come over for any holidays/family gatherings with our side of the family, we were only allowed to invite Aunt's and Uncle's to the engagement party (her parents hosted but we helped with the costs, not the planning). Needless to say we have a strained relationship.

Recently, we found out from his twin's fiance that our son was going to be taking her last name. The reason was because she was the last member of her family to have her last name and she wants to continue the lineage by him taking her's because we have a "spare" son to continue our name. Wait what?!?!?! When we asked him about it he said "Yeah, it's pretty much a done deal". My husband is so hurt right now he won't even talk to him. There was never a reason given to us he just shrugged his shoulders.

Over this whole wedding preparation we have not been included whatsoever. We know what day it is, the place and the time. We have also come to realize that she and her family are narcissistic control freaks. There are a lot of other traits we have learned about her and have so many questions. I could honestly write a book.

My husband does not want to attend the wedding. Honestly, if we had not confronted him about the name change we would have been sitting there in front of our family completely dumbfounded by this revelation. I am completely torn as I don't want to push our son away but I do not agree with this decision at all.

We are going to sit down with him and his brother tonight and express our opinions and hopefully he will open up to us with her/her family not around.

Am I being too sensitive about this? Thanks in advance for any words of encouragement or pieces of advise.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by Bamboo2 - August 12, 2019, 07:13:08 am
Hi Animal Farm,
My heart goes out to you.  It is so hard to see your adult child in a seemingly unhealthy relationship.  My young adult daughter was involved in a bad relationship, but she wouldn't or couldn't see it, and I struggled for many years to get her to "see the light."  Boy, did she get upset when I used that phrase!  She had to see things in her own good time---which was four long years.  The more I pushed, the more she pulled away.  When I just pulled back and disengaged, there was no need for her to be antagonistic.  Maybe the same would be true for your DIL.  Whatever your father does, you can't control, so he will have to make his own decisions.  You are living by your principles and it's good to keep those boundaries in place.  I think Still Learning's suggestion to send the postage and just be done with it was spot-on.  I'd minimize contact and focus on the things that give you joy.  My husband and I spent a lot more time listening to music, walking in the woods, and visiting other family members and friends --- people who enjoyed our company and nurtured us.  We decided to not make DD and her BF the main story of our lives anymore and it made a big difference.  We had to be ready to totally lose the relationship with DD in order to gain it back, ironically.  I'd say don't give up your happiness for people you can't control.  We can only control ourselves.  All the best to you.
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Helpful Resources / Re: Letting go
Last post by Bamboo2 - August 12, 2019, 06:52:23 am
This is beautiful, Still Learning!  Thanks so much for sharing it ;D
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by Stilllearning - August 06, 2019, 03:26:17 pm
Another thing I learned that might help you is that I control who makes me mad.  When I "let" someone "make" me mad I have given the power to them.  Or rather my third mantra:

Those who anger you, control you.  Take back your power!!

Hugs again! 

Hang in there! 
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Grandchildren / Re: Jealous grandmother
Last post by Stilllearning - August 06, 2019, 03:07:05 pm
Welcome Jand!  We are glad you found us! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Although your situation is unique in that you are not a blood relative we have had several grandmothers who were in similar situations when their DIL's felt resentful of the love and attention their grandchildren showed to the grands, ignoring the parent. 

I once had a neighbor who's daughter would rather spend time at my house than her own.  She loved playing with my DS (same age)but more than that she loved the hugs that flowed freely from me to any child in the vicinity.  I will always remember the first time I hugged her.  She stood there shocked so I asked if I could hug her again.  She said yes and I spent the next ten minutes asking the same question over and over again and hugging her.  Her mother eventually got jealous too and the little girl who was about 4 at the time was told she could not visit me anymore.  She would sneak away from home anyway and come to my house.  Then I would get a call from her mother asking if she was at my house and I would say yes.  I found out after a few times that she was sneaking over and getting spanked every time she came over but she still came anyway.  My heart broke.  One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell her she couldn't come over anymore because I didn't want her to get spanked.  She moved away a few months later.  I still think about her and wonder how she is doing.  She is a young adult now.  I hope she eventually found a loving home for herself and her children (if she has any).

I had to face the horrible fact that I could not help her any more than I already had.  Hopefully I let her know that all homes were not like her childhood home and she could set her sights on the home she wanted and not settle for the kind of home she was raised in.  There were many, many indications for me that the home she was raised in was horribly dysfunctional. 

Hopefully someone else on this site will pipe in with some wonderful idea that will save you from the fate I have had to live with.

Hugs!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by animal_farm - August 06, 2019, 11:52:34 am
Thank you for your reply. I raised a good son and I have been so sad that he found a narcissist as a wife. I get gaslighted and ignored unless they want something. Then all I hear are hints as to what she wants me to buy and passive aggressive insults. Then silence until the next round. My DIL brags about her mother being ruthless and cruel too. I can't understand how people can behave like this and be proud of themselves. My DIL calls all the shots and my son does exactly what she says. He has become less than what he once was.  I know I have to move on. I have for the most part. I just can't help getting angry when my DIL does something deliberately to make me mad.

Regards,
The farm
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Grandchildren / Jealous grandmother
Last post by jand - August 05, 2019, 01:19:42 pm
I have a life long best friend who has always regarded me as family. I am an "aunty" to her kids, nieces and nephews and now considered a grandma to her grandchildren. I have the 3 grandchildren with me more than anyone else as I am retired, usually at home and love being with the littles, spending quality time with them, crafting, playing, going to shows, taking them places etc. My time with them is spent with them and not other things when they are with me. As a recent widow; these kids have filled a huge void in my life. My "friend", who is their maternal grandmother, rarely spends time with them, often bails on plans, lies and makes excuses, but expects the kids to adore her. When the kids are with her; she often naps and makes them spend time alone and find their own entertainment. She constantly gives them orders, chores and disciplines them even when not always necessary. The kids love spending time with me and are very vocal about it because we have so much fun. I have rarely had any discipline issues with them. Long story short - my best friend has abruptly quit speaking to me after she once again bailed on an outing that we had both promised to take the kids to (2nd time). I told her that I thought that it was unfair to the kids. As much as she touted that she was so grateful that the kids had me; she now resents it & is maligning me with the family. If I continue to spend time with the kids; the ripple effect within the family will be huge as I will not be invited or present for many events that I have always been there for. Birthdays, Xmas, school events, extra curricular events... What do I do? I don't want her kids or grandkids to be dragged into this mess.
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Helpful Resources / Letting go
Last post by Stilllearning - August 01, 2019, 01:52:49 am
I just found this video and wanted to share it with you.   I hope it speaks to you the way it did to me!


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Grandchildren / Use your money wisely through ...
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