November 14, 2019, 05:50:42 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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Quote from: luise.volta on September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 amWelcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
. My daughter has got to move as her landlord selling her house she has six kids a very bad credit check history is preventing her renting another place privately as she is very irrational irratic and foolish with money ran up debts and court summons for parking fines unpaid! She asked me to be a quarantor but am disabled on welfare myself any money is tied up in my house . Since saying NO she has accused me of being selfish despite taking care of her two youngest daughters on a regular basis now she won't call us stone walling me says I can still have her girls my grand kids but she won't talk to me be case drop them an go ( often the case anyway)! She never stays overnight she seems to forget I am I'have mental health issues as her father was abusive alcoholic and left me for dead after knocking me unconscious then lying about it! He would play mind games turn his daughters against me throw money at things when they demanded it and accuse me of being tight ( I am not an sensible believe grown adults should earn thier own way through life and if loan money pay it back ! I was always the mum and dad really trying to guide them teach them descent codes of conduct ! Neither of my daughters are talking to me because refuse to be bullied emotionally blackmailed and used as a childminder which is case and a cleaner while they parcel thier kids about from pillar to post ! I am so hurt both can not behave reasonably descent Or kind but bully refuse to be financially accountable or budget wisely and want to blame everyone but themselves for bad choices and behaviours and try to make me feel guilty about owning my home which had to work for full time while raising my daughters and being self employed childminder for 26 years putting everyone else's wants needs first . The minute try to do stuff get to be made to feel selfish and the two of them not talking to me or showing respect I show them hurts deeply don't sleep night after night trying to think ways to teach them to be descent peace makers and good to each other they fell out over money and I was told if spoke to younger daughter older one have nothing to do with me ( spiteful blackmail)! I refused to take sides saying it's between them nothing to do with me but sadly now seems both turned on me ! I am so lonely trying to build a life but made to feel selfish for doing so they both ignore sensible guidance and put me down . Am devastated they are both like thier father abusive manipulative hurts deeply . 
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Dear M, The tone of your post both in telling us what we can write and not write and your last statement..."I don't have the motivation to live if I am not valued in my role." indicate that your needs go beyond what we offer on my Website. There are no professionals here to deal with your issues and attitude. In such situations, we suggest one-on-one counseling and sincerely wish you well. Blessings, Luise
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Daughter wants me to move out
Last post by Maymay941 - October 13, 2019, 07:12:58 pm
Hello, please no sweeping platitudes.
I am virtually  without desire to live unhappily having experienced happiness. Im at a brick wall.
I was a single mother left a 2nd husband who became abusive for the betterment  of my children. I coached my daughter daily to get  her through  college  and  moved to help caretake my elderly, self centered  sick mother after my daughter  married and moved. Both my children  are successful in careers and my daughter had an abusive mentally ill husband  who finally left her so i flew monthly from Florida to NC to help her and her 2 year old daughter  who was a mess.
Caring for my family is the only thing that has kept me alive.
A year after my mom died the most miserable  lonely year. Very limited finances, my son moved me to NC to live for awhile  with my daughter and grand daughter.
I HAVE BEEN HAPPY FOR TWO YEARS.
They have been happy,  we live in harmony and laugh and have a nice life and i am 24 hours a day able to do childcare so my daughter  has been able to work her career, go out, date join a gym.  I took them on an expensive  vacation  this summer.
Now she says she wants to move out and leave me renting  her townhouse she wants a bigger more expensive  home with a yard.
I live in a tiny bedroom  with my belongings, the whole house is hers. i helped to buy it originally. I have bought furniture  for  her. I do housework. I am permanently  injured so walk with a walker at 63 and am limited somewhat.
My grand daughter and i cried when she said this idea because  we are HAPPY and things mean nothing .
I am goungbto have to find out what  is motivating  her because i dont have motivation  to live if im not valued in my role.

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Silent treatment from daug...
Last post by luise.volta - September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 am
Welcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Silent treatment from daug...
Last post by Stilllearning - September 11, 2019, 03:18:08 am
Welcome S!!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have gotten "the silent treatment" before and it really stinks!  I finally got tired of letting my DS make me feel that way and I stopped.  I know it sounds weird but "the silent treatment" only works if you let it.  If you can tell yourself 'no news is good news' and just ignore the fact that they are not talking to you the sting in "the silent treatment" disappears like magic.  When they start talking to you if you act like you never noticed it kind of takes the wind out of their sails.  It takes practice but it worked for me.  Good luck!

On the other front your daughter sounds like she has lessons (economic ones) to learn.  When my DS started making bad decisions I found that I just could not watch without saying anything.  Luckily "the silent treatment" made it so that I was not finding out about any of his bad decisions until they were done deals.  He has learned a lot since I started letting go and so have I.  His problems are his and he does not ask for help except in the most extreme circumstances.  Fortunately I have been able to help him once or twice.  He understands that that will not always be the case.  It is amazing how much he has matured since I stopped stepping in to fix things.  I am really proud of him now.

Remember that you deserve to be happy!!
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First posting ever,  only because friends and family aren't sure why my 28yr old likes to give me silent treatment on the regular.

I'll just wait it out..again.But with each time (varying from 6 months to 8 months), I get tired of referencing,well this and that happened during your silent treatment, OR I don't even want to bother explaining anything because I don't know when the next silent treatment will start.
If I flick her off she'll say.. "Well I guess the last silent treatment wasn't painful enough.." And then she shuts down.

This most recent shut down occurred when I disagreed with her up and leaving to go live in  Salt Lake City.
( she moved back home to NYC 8 months ago from VA so she has no overhead and can concentrate on finishing her online degree in psychology. She works 30hrs.so she can payoff her high credit card balances) Still not finished with her degree, she wants to move to Utah to ski and do outside activities.
I told her the expenses will be too high and it'll be like VA all over again. Money issues and I pay and pay because I do...
Her Dad ( I'm divorced) is a pediatrician  but she doesn't like him either and hasn't talked to him in over a year.

He hasn't spoken to me in 27 yrs. So I know it's a learned behavior she has.

I just feel good letting this out on a digitized paper format.

Not sure if anyone has the answer, but I feel a bit better.
Thank you.
 
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Welcome. We ask all new members to go to our Home Page, and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Thank you for your post. It helps so much when someone who has 'been there and done that' shares her experience.

I have edited your post and made a change in your language, our take being if we can figure out the word you meant, it's the same as using that word. Since we didn't know where or how to draw the line on language we opted for passing on anything that might be taken as offensive. I addition, if your User Name reflects a Bible quote please select another name. The reason we are also cautious regarding religious referenced is outlined in our Forum Agreement, as well. We have done our best for the last decade to serve a wide audience respectfully.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Son is taking DIL's Last N...
Last post by LukeC - August 20, 2019, 09:43:54 pm
Hi lharak,

Unfortunately, our son did the same thing, changed his name to our DIL's last name. Really no reason was given to us, but that conversation was one of the last we had with him some 3 years ago.

As with so many others in this situation, we were a close family, or at the very least, a normal family, not perfect, but not crazy dysfunctional either. That is, until our oldest met our now DIL. They met in college, his first GF, and in some ways she was good for him - he became much more focused on his studies and his future. In so many other ways, there were red flags in all directions. Her father walked out on her family when she was 5 or 6, and from what I could gather, her mother and sister are very bitter toward him, but she's embraced his presence in her life. She's close to her mother and sister but her continued relationship with him has caused some contention in the family.

He brought her home for a school holiday, only 4 months into the relationship. At the end of their visit, we held a family meeting to discuss future holiday plans, and as she had only dated him for a few months, we didn't include her. Honestly, as our oldest, she was our first experience with one of our kids dating, and we just went with our gut. Apparently, that offended her horribly and things went south from there. Some family members have since told us that we should've included her, but I'm not sure I would've done anything differently.

A year later, they decided to get married - a courtroom wedding they said - to which we weren't invited. Supposedly her family wasn't invited either, but we later found out it was a real wedding ceremony and her family attended. A few months later, we found out after the fact that he'd changed his name to hers. With the history of her father leaving, my husband and I can't figure out why his name is so important to her, or our son.

Phone calls became fewer and fewer, and visits ceased. Except for that family meeting, we tried to be as inclusive as possible, and made every effort to befriend and love her, but by the time we realized what was happening, it was too late.

I don't want to discourage you, but your son has chosen her, for some reason, and from my 3 years apart viewpoint, your best bet is to keep your mouth as closed as possible. Don't give them more ammunition to find fault with you. This doesn't mean you can't continue to love him and hope for a relationship, but you really are in a da*ned if you do... if you don't dilemma. There's little you can do about the name change, his choice of wife, how he lives, etc... so my advice would be to make the best life you can with the friends and family around you. He needs to figure out what's an acceptable life, and he may have some hard lessons to learn. And they may take years for him to learn them.

In retrospect, while it would've been painful to attend our son's wedding, I nevertheless would have done it, if for no other reason than to show our unwavering support and love for him. Period. (But smile and keep your thoughts about things to yourself!)

Sending you hugs and prayers for wisdom...
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Daughter in Law trouble
Last post by luise.volta - August 16, 2019, 07:35:39 pm
Hi, A. I love the saying, 'What you think of me is none of my business.' Most of us were brought up to please...and now we have to deal with what is being dubbed by some, The Entitled Generation'. If we get pulled into that our expectations
are going to take us down. I agree with the others that our emancipation is in turning away from it and focusing elsewhere on the things that bring us joy and positive expression. We're entitled, too! More hugs...
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Hi and welcome. I was wondering if the User Name you selected reflects your real name in any way. If so, it would be wise to change it to keep your anonymity. 

I haven't had a similar experience to share with you but I sure feel for you and your husband. My take is you are still being punished for not backing a Paris wedding. 

That just doesn't make sense. To me, it looks like the name changing is part of it. You have raised your family. You did your best and your job is done. For most of us, that is hard to get and even harder to honor. Your son has lessons to learn. He has made choices and there are consequences. They are his lessons. It's my hope that you may be able to leave the door open and at the same time shift your focus to what you want out of life and then go or it. Hugs
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