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Thanks ladies,
I really appreciate your pearls of wisdom, they bring much comfort to a weary tormented/defeated soul (aka parent of a mean adult child).
I think I will adopt that "shelf" of my DD until such time as she can be more civil.
If I am to survive her hostility, I need widen the distance between communications with her, to avoid being overwhelmed by the impact of her attacks.
Hugs to you both
xx
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I, too, can relate to being 'kicked to the curb'. This may sound strange but I honestly thought my son must be feeling sad on some deep level to have made me, once someone he trusted, the enemy. I think I may have bowed out of the relationship as much for him as for me. He was a gentle, kind man.
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Sorry for your down day.  I've had many of them myself with my own daughter.  She loved spending time with BF and his large extended family, and BF's mom, who she ended up living with for a year, could do no wrong.  I did everything I could do court DD's favor.  It was only when I saw her treat me and DH with contempt that I finally decided I deserved better and wasn't going to stand for her nasty treatment of me.  I guess that, like some other moms I've read about here, I didn't really like the person she had become, so why was I chasing her so much and trying to get her to do things with me?  It sure wasn't self-respecting or a good example for her.  Plus it made DH miserable, too.  I stopped doing things for her that she had come to rely on, seeing that she had taken our relationship and my presence in her life for granted.  DH and I started some new hobbies together and I intentionally became more active and engaged in my own life, and realized that there were and are others who care about me and want me in their lives.  It was a looooooong process, with steps forward and backward, like you are experiencing. (You'll see some of those documented in my posts here). I just didn't want to be held hostage to the hurt and pain. 

I read something here on WWU once where a mom mentioned putting the hurtful relationship with her adult child "on the shelf", acknowledging that right now a break is helpful but might not be permanent.  She still wished the best for her AC, but didn't want to participate in a relationship that was not healthy.  For me, that seemed like a way to think about that difficult time in our relationship and how to not let it overwhelm me.  If our relationship is put on the shelf, then it can be taken off when there is mutual respect and a willingness to have an adult-to-adult relationship.  In the meantime, there is a freedom to focus on creating my own joy and healthy relationships.  That has really helped me to remember that what's happening now may not last forever and that I do have choices about who I engage with on a daily basis. 

Wishing you better days ahead.  (((Hugs)))
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / DD nice to everyone else but me!
« Last post by Momstheword on January 20, 2019, 08:59:35 PM »
Dear Wise Women,
Can someone please explain to me why my DD is so nice to everyone else but me?
Her MIL and SIL (on her DH's side) and even my own sister (on ours) yet I'm treated like garbage, only shown any attention when DD wants something like a shoulder to cry (dump) on, or complain about how difficult things are financially with just her DH working.
She NEVER asks me to go anywhere with her, unless she's broke (and knows I'll pay)
She NEVER asks how I am, even after I tell her I've been ill
Yet if my sister is unwell she goes running down there at lightening speed!
My DD goes on and on and on about how wonderful her "auntie" is to her but if only she knew how much my sister speaks behind my DD's back! It got so bad, that I stopped speaking to my sister in disgust, and when I tried to explain why to my DD, she blamed me for the fall-out! :(
Even if DD knew the truth, I'm convinced she'd forgive my sister in a heartbeat, but me.....I say one word out of line (over the simplest thing) and all of a sudden I'm "rude" and "a drama queen" and "psycho"
Well, this psycho is done trying to please my DD, time for me!  Or is that being too much the "drama queen"?
Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated ladies, as I'm having a really down day today. :( 
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« Last post by Bamboo2 on January 19, 2019, 06:34:41 PM »
Hi Gracie, and welcome!  You were caught between a rock and a hard place when your son involved you in his relationship issues.  I've been there, too. My situation involved/involves a daughter who somehow seems to court drama.  I'm finally beginning to realize that.  She has involved me in that drama, and I was happy to oblige, no matter what hour of the day or night that she called. There's something about her crying that just activates my Mom gene. Then I'd be awake all night ruminating about what had happened.  All in the name of "support".  Then, without fail, the next day would come and I'd hear the same refrain, "I overreacted, Mom", or "He overreacted", or "It was all just a big misunderstanding."  I came to despise those words.  But I've finally realized the problem was me. I was getting suckered into all the drama and I accepted it, when in reality, all of this is theirs alone to solve.  I never went to my own mom with my relationship problems.  I figured them out by myself or with the help of a good therapist.  I just can't know the details of my daughter's relationship problems, as much as I love her and care about her well-being.  It does me no good, and I have no control over any of it.  My daughter has chosen to be in relationships where there have been lots of issues.  I didn't choose those relationships, so why should I make them my problems?  As for your son, there is probably a lot going on that you don't know about, and whatever the future holds will unfold in its own due course.  It's a book that's still being written, but it's his book, just as my daughter's is hers.  In the meantime, we deserve to live our best life, free of all this drama and emotional pain.  Our health and well-being are important, and no one will care about that more than us.  That's as it should be.  (((Hugs)))
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Adult Daughter and Family in Constant Chaos
« Last post by Gracie on January 18, 2019, 08:30:50 PM »
Gabbi, sounds like my daughter on a few things you mentioned. Its so hard to stop being a Mom sometimes when they are grown. I tried many times in the past to straighten up and organize only to come over a week later and it was back to how it was previously. So i stopped doing that. Just made me crazy. The world is such a different place now then back in our day. Hugs
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« Last post by luise.volta on January 18, 2019, 08:29:28 PM »
You're right. I am now 91 and my youngest is 63. I still mess up on occasion but he is very forgiving. Whew...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« Last post by Gracie on January 18, 2019, 08:18:50 PM »
Thank you luise for your response. Parenting is never easy no matter what age our children are. .... Also Gracie is not my real name.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Dont know what to do
« Last post by luise.volta on January 18, 2019, 08:10:14 PM »
Welcome, G. If that is actually your first name, please change your User Name. We ask everyone to remain anonymous. I am the only exception because it is my Website.


All new members are asked to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


I made the mistake of listening to my eldest son's marital woes and what followed was somewhat similar to your experience. I ended up the 'bad guy'. It was a tough lesson for me to get that their marriage was their business not mine and I should have told him that immediately. I was still in 'mom-mode', I guess. It never occurred to me to tell him that. I would never have told him the details of the issues I had with his dad! I guess I just didn't think of my son as an adult and an equal. Somehow, deep down, he was still my 'child'...long after I had finished my biological role and he was on his own.


I don't know if my experience will help you. Others may respond to your post and have different experiences to share with you.


As far as waiting for an apology. That, too, is an expectation I had many years ago. It took eons for me to learn that my expectations were about me and no one needed to fulfill them.


What happened for me is I eventually decided to turn toward those activities and friends that brought me joy. I did my best as a parent...not perfect...but still my best and I deserved to have a rewarding life.


Hugs...



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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Dont know what to do
« Last post by Gracie on January 18, 2019, 07:35:48 PM »
Hi Im new here. So glad to find this site. My son has been married 15 yrs and has 2 children. Last Feb my son came to me and was very upset. He stated that he felt his wife was a narcissist and couldnt take the verbal abuse anymore. Of course I had no knowledge of anything going on over the years. From Feb thru april last year things got really bad and my son said he couldnt take it anymore and that he was worried also about the kids. At one point he told me that my Dil pushed him to the floor and was on top of him trying to get the car keys as she was being verbally abusive. He locked himself in the bathroom from fear of her. He would email me 3 or 4 times a night for 2 mths when she was asleep to tell me what was going on..and I of course was trying to be very supportive for him. He would come to my house when he could get away and even spent the night here. She would threaten to kill herself...leave without knowing where she was going and when she would be back..and just nonstop verbal abuse when home with my son. At the end of April my son kept saying he was going to speak to a lawyer about a separation. Well somehow she got a hold of his phone and then suddenly 3 days later shes laying on the charm as narcissists do. (Did alot of research on this). Suddenly hes telling me that things are now "fantastic". This is 3 days after talking about a separation. The emails to me stopped and I didnt really hear from him by phone or text. I didnt believe things were suddenly fantastic but thought i would give him some space in case they were working on things. My Dil not only totally stressed out my son over those 2 mths but seeing my son so upset and hearing how she was treating him made me and the family very upset to the point where I was having anxiety attacks. Every few days there were postings on social media about how wonderful everything was. Well mothers day rolls around and i tell my son that i would love to see him and the kids but i just cant see my Dil right now. I need time. Well he tells me if she cant come too then i wont be seeing any of them. So i told him that was his decision. I was upset because i did not raise my child this way. He couldnt respect my wishes after all i went through with him the past few months? Well we talked in June and he basically made it sound like everything that happened was my fault (even though i never said a bad word about his wife even during those few mths ..just basically listened). Over the years me and our family always felt like my Dil was controlling when my son would see us and for how long but i never said anything because that was his wife and didnt want to start any trouble. But this is the icing on the cake. I feel that i should have received an apology from my Dil for how she treated my son , me and the family because of how upset she made us. But it never happened. So now i havent seen or spojen to my son or grandkuds since june of last year. I have continued to send everyone birthday cards and gifts. As well as xmas ones. I would like to have my relationship back with my son but feel i cant be around my Dil drama and without an apology. Last time we talked in June he sounded like his mind is now like my Dil. Plus it sounds like if i dont accept her then forget it.Please tell me honestly if i am wrong about what i am feeling and if you have any suggestions. How can you raise your kids properly and they just turn on you so easily. So sad.
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