Recent Posts

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Welcome M, and although I said it before I am obligated to say it again for every new poster.....  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

Whew!  I am glad that is over!!  I too spent a long time just reading the posts here before I shared my story, and through this reading I came to trust that my story would be compassionately received and that the responses would be well thought out and helpful, like yours is!

I think we too often allow others to control our happiness.  We believe that someone else can "make" us unhappy when actually that is not the case.  I allow my DS to affect my emotions and I allow the fact that I do not see my grands as much as my DIL's FOO do to paint the rest of my life with these painful colors........or not.  It was when I decided to take control of my own happiness that my life turned around.  I did that by focusing my thoughts and energies on things that make me happy and deliberately ignoring the parts of my life that brought me grief.  Gradually the things that make me happy expanded and my life improved.  Now, as I said before, I remind myself that  "What you focus on expands" all the time and I make an active decision to focus on the happy stuff!  It works.

As time went by my DS came to understand that he was welcome to come by and visit but my life no longer rotated around whether he did or not.  With this understanding my relationship with him has changed and I have enjoyed getting to know the adult he has become.
 
I hope your relationship with your DD improves!  Try to remember that the grands you see the most often are often not the favorites.  Absence does make the heart grow fonder.............

Hugs!!
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My youngest DD is 22 and is in a serious relationship talking about getting married. They’re looking for an apartment with the goal of moving in a couple of months. So far, I really like her boyfriend, but they are always spending time with his family, and I’m finding myself jealous listening to her talk about them and all the good times they’re having. It seems that his house is the “fun house” that everyone wants to visit.

Dear LynnRN,

Although I just registered, I found myself having to respond to your post even before telling my own tale of woes with my AC.

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear of your recent loss.:(

Your post, in particular your reference to "fun house" resonated with me because my own DD constantly tells me that her DH's family "do fun stuff together" whereas we (her family) don't, and it seems never did?!  ??? 

A year ago my DD and SIL blessed with a beautiful GD which I absolutely adore but sadly don't get to see her anywhere near as often as my SIL's family and I think it's because he is a mommy's boy but my DD says it's because "his family are close and always do things and go places together" and as she is one of them now, she gets to enjoy new adventures.   

So what do people like us who live in houses or choose lifestyles that are filled with less "fun" to do?  Well, it's taken me a long time, but thanks to the constant badgering from my DH I've come to realise (yes he's right, though I won't tell him that) ;) if I am to survive the pain of not seeing my beautiful girls (DD and GD) as often as I'd like I/we need to make my own fun!  And who knows, maybe if my DD see how much "fun" we are having she may just ask to join in, and there's always the slightest possibility she may actually enjoy herself too! Like she used to as a child (or did I imagine that all those years ago?)  ???

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Welcome to WWU. I only use my own name because this is my Website and members often want to know the source. I started it many years ago (I am nw 91) when I was thrashing around myself with the issues I had with my eldest son. I felt so alone. It looked to me like everyone around me was doing beautifully. (Not so...they were just better at faking it.)


I was impressed with the way you ended your post. It looks like you know what's happening and what to do about it. It's the 'how to do it' that's brought you to us.


I love the answer you got from SL. It is full of 'gold nuggets' on how to proceed. We are here for you 24/7. Hugs...
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Oh and I forgot to tell you that we try to use names here that are unidentifiable should someone we know decide to read the site.  Luise is the only one who uses her name (or any part thereof) so please change your screen name.  Thanks!!
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Welcome L, we are glad you found us!!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.

Now that I have completed the official stuff....

I have been there!  I took care of my father when he was sick.  Fortunately he was not living with me but I still felt obligated to visit him daily for a long time.  When he died I really did not understand how much his death had effected me and I honestly did not realize that I was in the full throws of depression for years.  I don't really want to admit all of the mistakes I made but I will tell you that I ended up feeling totally worthless.  It was horrible and I do not know how my DH stayed with me.  My DS married during this time and that just added to my depression because I knew that his choice for life was mentally unbalanced (now diagnosed) and I begged him to wait , which I should never have done.  Anyway my happy life was unraveling and there was nothing I could do about it.  The harder I tried to fix things the worse they got.  Fortunately for me I found this website and the wonderful women here helped me out!

The first thing that I had to absorb from here was that I deserve a happy life.  The second thing was that I could no longer center my life around my children, they had their own lives to live and their own lessons to learn and my interference was only delaying their life lessons.  Once I digested those two facts my next step was figuring out what makes me happy, not things that other people do but things I can do for myself (and my DH).  I started planning something fun for my DH and I to do for different holidays.  We went canoeing for Thanksgiving one year (well you get the idea!).  Suddenly instead of sitting at home thinking about how my DS had deserted me I was too busy having fun to notice it very much!  During this time I adopted a few of mantras:

1) What you focus on expands (so focus on the good things and ignore the things that you cannot change)
2) Not my circus, not my monkeys (so no need to worry about my DS's decisions)
3) No news is good news (so no need to worry when I have not heard from my DS in a while)

These started me on the road to a happier life, a life where I avoid what I now call 'the abyss' (because if I dwell on it I just fall further and further into a depression) by actively pulling my thoughts away from it and focusing my thoughts on things that make me happy.  Yes, it takes practice and it does not happen overnight.  I still find my thoughts circling the drain on occasion but I know how to keep from sinking into the mire. 

Please remember that we are on your side!  You deserve to enjoy this time of your life, your parenting days are over and so is the taking care of parents part.  It is time to focus on your own life and make it into what you always wanted.  Sorry for your loss and I hope the funeral you plan is a comfort for you.  Hugs!!
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My youngest DD is 22 and is in a serious relationship talking about getting married. They’re looking for an apartment with the goal of moving in a couple of months. So far, I really like her boyfriend, but they are always spending time with his family, and I’m finding myself jealous listening to her talk about them and all the good times they’re having. It seems that his house is the “fun house” that everyone wants to visit. Often, she’ll come home late in the evening, and I find out the two of them were hanging out with his parents. My mother passed away two weeks ago, and my DD’s boyfriend lost his grandfather five days earlier. My DD asked for the day off work to attend his grandfather’s funeral today, but her boyfriend has to work on the day of my mother’s funeral, which is the day after Thanksgiving. Then my DD tells me his parents have invited her over for Thanksgiving and she’s going. I told her I would be baking a bunch of her grandma’s recipes that day to take to the post-funeral reception and she told me she didn’t want to bake. She’d just see us that evening.

I’ve talked to my DD about this and asked her to bring her boyfriend over. She keeps telling me I need to plan something. But when I’ve tried to plan anything, there’s always something that gets in the way. So my DD finally admits that she doesn’t bring her boyfriend over because her dad (my DH) gets too anxious when we have houseguests. This is true. He does have a history of anxiety around having people over and the dogs barking at them because they’re strangers. And he struggles with a lot of noise because he’s an introvert.

So I feel like I’m stuck in a situation I can’t resolve. My DH told our DD to bring her boyfriend over anyways, that he’d be okay, but in the end, we will never be the “fun house” because of my DH. They will always prefer spending time with his family, and I’m having a pity party...apparently the only party I can have since it’s a quiet party.

I’ve lost my both of my parents in the past few year,s and my kids are immersed in their own lives and spending all their time with the “other” family. I’m imagining a very lonely life in my old age.

I know being a downer isn’t going to help the situation. I’m guessing the healthy thing to do is to work on making a life for myself. I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s been all about raising my kids, and until two weeks ago, caring for my elderly parents.

I need to pull myself out of this depressed, jealous rut. Any suggestions?
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Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
« Last post by Bamboo2 on November 04, 2018, 06:28:59 PM »
Congratulations, jdtm, on your 50th anniversary!  That is well worth celebrating!  I'm glad you will be going someplace warm together.  My husband and I celebrated a milestone anniversary with a cruise 9 months after the fact, and it was wonderful!  Shortly after we returned, there were a lot of family issues that definitely took our time and attention, so we were very fortunate to have had some special time together before things started to become difficult.  It's so good that you will take some special time away together as a couple.  Cheers  :D
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Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
« Last post by luise.volta on November 04, 2018, 04:47:25 PM »
Oh, good. We are in your corner and we care! Hugs...
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Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
« Last post by jdtm on November 04, 2018, 04:37:00 PM »
Thanks Luise.  Sometimes, just being acknowledged is sufficient.  We will be taking a trip this winter, not sure where yet, except it will be warm. 
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Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
« Last post by luise.volta on November 04, 2018, 12:43:45 PM »
Hi, J. Ah, that demon 'expectation'. I know that one well. Often others don't meet mine, however simple, and I'm sure there are times I don't meet theirs.


It's important to me to let myself feel the feeling that come up when something like this happens. Then what I have learned to do is create a way to to fill the gap to some degree. A special anniversary is special whether others remember it or not. Why not take a trip or go on a cruise? I know the specific date has come gone but that doesn't mean you still can't do it and have a great time. 50 years is a huge milestone. Congrats!
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