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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son rejects me
« Last post by Rainbow on July 15, 2018, 06:16:42 PM »
Hi all.

Not too sure if this is still an open thread...but here are my thoughts.

My DS went through a stage when  whatever I did/didn't do/said/didn't say was wrong! To say it was highly confusing and hurtful is an understatement!

The harder I pushed to try and understand or to figure out the reason or just plan ask "hey what's up?" The more he pushed me away.

In the end I decided to back off. I kept thinking of a frightened animal. Even if you try to help it sadly still sees you as a threat. It hisses and growls and lashes out and even runs away. My DS was acting the same way. So I decided to retreat and be patient.

I stopped the calls, texts, parcels, letters. And instead I did my own thing and waited and waited ... until he saw that I was respecting his space, his adulthood and his wishes. I was no longer a threat and when he realised that he came round. Slowly at first but he came round.

And I also learnt not to repeat the mistakes of old. So now I never judged. When he asked for advice I never gave it but instead always asked him what his gut instinct was and reminded him that 9/10 times his instinct was correct. When he asked for money I said I'll help you sort out a budget but I won't give you money. When he wanted to made mistakes I reminded him that he was only human and we all make mistakes and to cut himself some slack! He couldn't believe the change in his stress free DM!!!

What I'm trying to say is remember that cornered animal. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is to leave them alone.

Sending hugs xxx :-*
Gabbi hello.

Just a couple of thoughts for you. Once upon time I was just like your DD. The reason? I was overwhelmed with everything and although I wanted things to be different I just didn't know where to begin. So I too went out and spent money that I didn't have on having fun because it made me feel better and helped me forget the pain.

My DM never judged. She often cleaned the house for me as a treat or did the laundry. But she never commented on why. She just did it. She never made me feel dirty or like a slob. She always said beautiful things to me and reminded me how great I was!

In the end I found the energy (physical and mental) and motivation to change these things for myself. I lost 8 stone. Divorced. Remarried a wonderful man. Have a spotlessly clean home and a DS who knows his DM tried her best even if I sometimes screwed up! We still have horrendous challenges esp with health but we are happy.

Please don't worry about your DD and her family. She'll be ok. You carry on loving her and one day she'll start to love herself and she'll change, but only when the time is right for her. Right now she needs loving words far more than a clean home.

Sending you hugs xxx :-*
Welcome P!  Since you haven't posted the rest of your story for a couple of days I thought that I would just jump in and share a thought or two.  When my sons got to a certain age (mid to late teenager) they started to pull away.  Of course I knew that eventually they would pull away but they still had so much to learn!  My eldest (the one who eventually drove me to this site) moved out of the house, got involved with a woman who was so obviously wrong for him it was unbelievable and proceeded to marry her.  I tried to point out his mistake but that just drove him farther from me.  The more I tried to fix things the worse things got.  My first posts here probably sound very much like yours.  I was sure that I was loosing my son forever and I was heartbroken and desperate.  It was all I ever thought about and all I ever talked about. Thinking back on it I am amazed that my DH stayed with me because I was no fun at all.  He did get to the point where he would not talk to me about it.  Men feel a need to fix things and there was no way to fix this.  Anyway I think you get the idea.

I tried so hard to hold on to my DS.  I talked with him and tried to reason with him but every time we talked he told my now DIL everything we said and she got more and more hurt and more and more determined to win (like we were fighting for control of my DS, go figure).  Anyway nothing improved until I just gave up.  One day I sat down and asked myself why I was trying so hard to be with my DS when I no longer enjoyed his company.  Being around him made me uncomfortable and sad.  I wanted to be around the son I remembered, not the person he had turned into.  So I stopped.  I stopped calling him.  I stopped texting him.  I stopped trying to get him to remember me on Mother's day or my birthday.  It was not easy but I knew I had to.

So how did I stop?  I started thinking about myself.  I started using all of my efforts to make me and my DH happy.  I started saying to myself whenever I thought about my DS "No news is good news".  I started planning fun things for my DH and I to do on special days when I knew I would be hurt by my DS's lack of attention (Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.).  The more I focus on making myself happy (which all mothers stop doing when they have children) the better my life has gotten.  It took a lot of work to turn my thoughts away from what I now call "the abyss" and for years I would occasionally slip into that quagmire of self pity and woe.  Yes I deserved better, yes I was mistreated, yes I had done a good job of raising my DS, yes my dreams of a close family were gone but more than that I deserve to have these later years of my life be happy.  Enter the "no news is good news" slogan.  I also used the "not my circus, not my monkeys" saying when I heard things from family members about what my DS/DIL were doing.  It took years but now my DS is visiting me often and I am getting to know the man he has become.  I am proud of him and I now enjoy his company again. 

So for you I offer this saying to think about:
"What you focus on expands" so focus your attention on the good things you have.

You did a great job raising your sons in very difficult conditions.  You did the very best that you could.  Now it is time for you to enjoy your life.

Hugs from all of us!!

Welcome, P. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWF is a fit for you, we are a monitored Website.

And thank you for your kind words about WWU! We've been around for ten years. I'm 91 and my son is our Webmaster.

We will wait to comment until you feel your initial post is complete. Hugs...
There is more,  but when I went to post,  I had already logged out. 

I am a bit emotionally tired and not up to retyping tonight.  I will do so tomorrow. 

Sleep well and sorry for the disrupted post. 
I have been reading posts on here for the last 6 months, seeking a forum to see others' experiences.  This is one of the few sites that handles these issues without judgement on either side and is a lot like having coffee and talking to friends it seems.  Thank you for that. 

I started reading because I saw warning signs with my DS about halfway through this year,  his senior year in HS.   Mainly,  I overheard him tell his gf outright that he hates me and wished to move in with her and her mother.  He was walking down the steps anden he realized I was home and sitting on the couch,  he said 'I have to go' and hung up.   We had a long talk about it,  and his future plans,  and I told him my concerns and he told me his.   There were warning signs prior, with the gf,  but I never wanted to push it in a way that would push him away.  He was sincere that night,   I know him well,  but I got the distinct feeling also that he was playing two roles,  one that was expected here with me,  where he could say how he felt even if I didnt agree,  and one where it was black and white with his gf. 

Some back history, I know it helps when responding to posts,  people giving details has helped me out when reading these.   I am a single mom.  I came from a very abusive family and had my oldest out of wedlock with someone who had addiction problems,  then went on to marry an abusive man whom I had my second child with.   We divorced within 2 years,  he was convicted, but with a slap on the wrist,  and I got help and have stayed true to the healing process.  I didnt want my kids becoming statistics too.  I regret always that I didnt get help sooner,  now more than ever, so that I didnt bring children into a dynamic like that. 

The oldest's father has been in and out of his life since age 2, due to his addictions.  I encouraged DS to keep in touch during the times of estrangement but he became obstinate about it around age 16, so I only occasionally asked him to do so, respecting his feelings,  but at the same time making sure he knew I was not alienating him.  This was a continual thing with his father.  He would syop coming or contacting him then tell him/scapegoat me that I was somehow the cause of it and used the word 'alienate' a lot.  I grew up as a scapegoated child,  its not a fun dynamic. 

Last year,  his father was incarcerated for drug use and sexually assaulting a minor.   I broke it to him in stages,  and made sure he had a support system in place.   He turned down an offer of therapy.

He did witness the abuse in my marraige to his brother's father.  Even witnessed my being arrested after one such time,  after his stepfather made a false report to cover himself, and no doubt re-establish control, when I said I was leaving him after he hit me.  I thought that getting out, and showing by example,  that he eould learn better skills.   I put him in therapy then too,  I went also to sessions,  family and individual.   I thought I was doing everything right. 

What no one prepares you for is that my XH went on to sue for sole custody of my YDS anywhere between 2 and 5 times a year for the last 9 years.   I was continually being drug into court,  had no money for the continual expense (my XH had a trust fund anddidn't work,  so did  not pay child support but had a lot of money for legal and lawyers), and my custody has been wittled down gradually over this time.  The final blow came when last year my YDS came to me from XH with dried blood in his nose,  scrapes on his face and what was shortly disgnosed as a concussion.   He told the doctor he was hit by dad,  hard.  It was even on the right side of his face,  XH is left handed.   They reported it to OCY (office of children and youth),  CYS told me to file a protective order,  then went on to clear him of the charges.   Something I didnt know at the time was the statistics for children reporting abuse.  Family courts,  70% of the time,  remove reporting children from the protective parent's custody,  and give the accused full/sole custody.   The statistics can easily be found by googling 'abusers getting custody', The Leadership Project and American Bar Asdociation themselves have put out the statistics.   But I didnt know this myself,  when I followed OCY's directives to file, so Im sure many of you dont know either.
A seperate judge has since told me that there is no way to 'earn back custody' as she could not find a way for me to improve listed.  Basically,  for example,  if I had a drug issue,  I could enroll in a drug program.   But as I had no stated reasons for losing custody,  there is nothing to fix or work on.

So,  basically in one year,  my DS was faced with his father's incarceration and his stepfather getting away with harming his brother,  and losing him too (our custody was reduced severely from about half to 15-20%).  He was vunerable. 
Grab Bag / Re: Phases and stages of children, parenthood and family
« Last post by luise.volta on July 07, 2018, 10:05:34 AM »
Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

What I learned way too slowly was that my biological role was completed when my children became 'adults'. (I use the term loosely.) It was time for me to keep my wisdom to myself, encourage them to move out and make sure they knew there was no moving back in. That's what my parents did and when my children became parents, that's what they did. Tough love.

It's the beginning of the task of making their own choices and learning from the consequences, or not. I had been there for them with support and answers for so long that my identity was tied up in that and I found it extremely difficult. As a result I went through a lot of denial and self-pity...but/and it worked. They have found their own way and I have found that there is life after parenting. I still see pitfalls and sometimes have a hard time keeping my mouth shut because I have lived longer and am still wiser...or think I am. However, we have become wonderful friends. Now, since I  am 91, our roles are starting to reverse. I find that amazing! For instance, my youngest son, 63, is our Webmaster.

We have a category on this Website that contains 'Resources' where you will find recommended books and there's also a vast archive of posts to refer to that are brimming with wisdom and compassion. We've been around for ten years.

Hope this helps.
Grab Bag / Phases and stages of children, parenthood and family
« Last post by DoingMyBest on July 07, 2018, 08:49:27 AM »
Each phase or stage of parenthood/family/child development seems to have a name of some sort and typical behavior or expectations.  Pregnancy, prenatal, post natal, new parents, terrible twos, fours, school age, tweens, teens, empty nest. I'm looking for the name of the stage/phase before empty nest where the children are now independent adults who don't need their parents (from their point of view living in the moment) yet beginner adults still living at home with a lot to still learn from the parents perspective of the long term.  Is there a name for this phase? Is there a website that discusses this phase, how to communicate, how to maintain ties, etiquette with their girl/boy friends sleeping over.  How to recognize the beginning middle or end of it.  I would like to learn as much as possible so I can be a productive member of my family keeping it healthy and happy both now and in the future. 
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Rant and questions please advise
« Last post by Bamboo2 on July 06, 2018, 07:56:01 PM »
Bookworm, I'm sending you warm wishes for your recovery back to good health  :)
Please take care of yourself and focus on that!  That book you are reading sounds like a great way to heal as well.
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: No family
« Last post by luise.volta on July 06, 2018, 05:18:27 PM »
Dear 'Doing My Best': This site has no counselors. We are not professionals in any sense of the word and can't offer advice. We just share similar experiences with each other. The depth of your issues are beyond this Website. I feel in my heart that you need someone you can work with one-o-one. Please seek that kind of help as soon as you possibly can. I am closing this thread and hope that you understand our limitations. This isn't rejection, it is deep caring. Hugs...Luise
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