December 04, 2020, 06:40:57 am

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Recent posts

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1
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Jealous SIL
Last post by luise.volta - December 02, 2020, 06:05:20 pm
Hi, B., I am 'of an age' where what you are facing is long behind me but I remember it clearly. My son and I are great friends. Never having had any daughters, I was thrilled to get a daughter-in-law. She, however, had no intention of sharing him and declared war. I was shocked, but it didn't take me long to see what I was being excommunicated. Not only were there no visits...there were no phone calls. I soon realized that, as SL learning so succinctly put it, it was none of my business. The choice was my son's, as well as the consequences. It took years but he finally gave up on being her prisoner (his words) and moved on. That was a long time ago. He married again and all is well. Peace at last in our extended family. My take is that most of us, myself included, are too young to pick a life partner when we do. Some of us luck out, many don't. Some stay no matter what but not all. Hugs to you!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Jealous SIL
Last post by Stilllearning - December 02, 2020, 02:57:16 pm
Welcome B!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have thought long and hard about how to reply to your post.  As a mother of sons I can only tell you what it was like for me when my DS married.  Marriage is a huge step in life.  It signifies not only adulthood but the willingness to assume the responsibilities for not only your own life but also the life and happiness of your spouse and any possible offspring.  It signifies flying out of the nest and no longer holding onto the edge and flapping your wings without risking that jump. When my DS took that leap he no longer wanted my advice or counsel.  I was suddenly locked out of my DS's life.  He had to prove himself to the world and he could not do that by running home to Mommy for help.  I went from the inside to the outside of his life in very short order and it hurt like heck.

You can go back in my posts and find out how I thrashed around and how unfair I thought it all was.  It was but that matters not at all.  The truth is that my DS is married and what happens in his marriage is none of my business.  It has taken years for me to come to terms with this reality and now I realize that this is the way things are actually supposed to be.  I don't remember it all but the words "and forsaking all others, cleave only to him" used to be in the wedding ceremony and that was exactly what my DS was doing.  I had to adjust to being an outsider in his life, oh well.

As I understand it daughters do not necessarily have the same reaction to the vows as sons do but I would be willing to bet that what you are interpreting as "jealousy" is actually your SIL reacting to what he believes is you interfering in his marriage.  It would probably benefit you to approach the problem from a different point of view.

Perhaps someone else will chime in and give an opinion?

Hugs!
3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Distancing daughter
Last post by Stilllearning - December 02, 2020, 09:23:53 am
Hi V!  Glad to meet you and very happy some of what I said resonated with you!  Hopefully you have read the posts under "Open Me First" and understand the rules of the website.  Sure looks like you do! 

I have one more thing to add to your particular situation.  My father got cancer years ago and came to live with me and my DH during his chemo in case he needed help.  He was a wonderfully stoic man who hardly ever complained even when he was the sickest.  Having the stress of dealing with a cancer patient was not nearly as bad for my marriage as the stress it put on my DH when he had to live with his FIL's daughter.  I know it sounds silly but when we are adults we still act differently around our parents than we do around our spouses and to be honest my DH missed his wife.  He got irritable with me and I was overburdened with trying to take care of my Dad so I didn't understand why he was irritable when he should be supportive so I got irritable and it turned into a horrible mess.  I know some spouses tolerate their in laws better than my DH did, but that could be because their significant others handle being around their parents better than I did.  My brother had the same problem when his MIL moved in.  He finally told his wife that he missed his wife and was tired of living with his MIL's daughter.  My dad was so anxious to move out of our house that he slept on the floor the first night just to get away from us.  Not my finest hour and I wish I could have done things differently but he forgave me and so did my DH.  Anyway if you tell your DD that you are worried about how your relationship with her may be interfering with her marriage she might be more willing to take you home (if you think you are ready).

Hugs!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Distancing daughter
Last post by VictorianTexas - December 02, 2020, 07:41:41 am
Still learning: What grabbed my attention in your post was the statement,"Not my problem to fix". I'll likely ponder that one for some time. I'm currently staying with my daughter and son-in-law after a hip replacement that hasn't gone well. We were anticipating I'd stay no more than two weeks but it's been three now. A pattern of avoidance with hot and cold behavior has developed. Even with carefully chosen words I know my daughter will have a meltdown if I ask to be taken home. Talking it out has never been productive. We do well together when our time is limited. Recognizing that I'm not responsible for her behavior and  knowing it's not my problem to fix is setting boundaries. I don't need permission or live in purgatory over the consequences.
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Abusive daughter rewriting...
Last post by BefuddledMe - November 28, 2020, 06:34:48 am
Thank you from someone reading these posts!!! Yes- no therapy and walk away. I did it!! Moms KNOW in their gut how they parented. Mother blame is the easy way out for adult kids.
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Jealous SIL
Last post by BefuddledMe - November 28, 2020, 06:26:05 am
Hi! Any strategies on dealing with a jealous SIL who is intent on interfering in a mother-daughter relationship?
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Good morning B!  Experience has taught me that I cannot deal with my DIL's issues and if I try she will just pull my DS even farther from me.  I used to try though.  I called, I texted, I even stopped by but the harder I tried the more he pulled back.  He is married, of course he has to be on the side of his wife.  I am just his mother and "and forsaking all others cleave only to her" used to be in the wedding ceremony so he was just doing what he knew to be right.  I had to pull back.  I know this is hard to do but until you do the two of them will pull together against you.  The only way to keep them from pulling together is to stop being an issue.  Once you (the enemy of their marriage) recede from the picture your DD will have to deal with just her husband.

I believe that you raised an intelligent daughter who will eventually see through what her husband is doing.  Your goal is to keep the lines of communication open so that you can be there when she needs you.  It does sound like she will need you and I know that you want to be there for her when she does.  For now you have to practice taking your mind off of what is happening to your daughter since you cannot fix it.  I use my three mantras to help me whenever my mind tries to wander into what I now call "the abyss" which is a horrible spiraling trap that ends in utter despair. Oh yea, the mantras.......

1) What I focus on expands (so I try to think about something happy)
2) No news is good news (for when I don't hear from them)
3) Not my circus, not my monkeys (when I think they are making a mistake, I can't stop it so why do I worry about it?)

These three mantras have helped me avoid diving headlong into the abyss and over time I have learned how to keep away from those thoughts that suck my psyche into the darkness.  It isn't easy when our children get older, strike out on their own and make mistakes.  We, as parents, have to accept that we have finished our job and need to turn the teaching reins over to life.  Our job as guides is over, now we are cheerleaders. 

Hugs!!
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Hi B!  We are glad you found us!  We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Doggone it, my response did not live up to our WWU standards.  I will think on it and try to reply (more hopefully) tomorrow.  Just know I feel for you, something about been there, done that.  You deserve to enjoy your life!

Hugs!
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / How to deal with a son in law ...
Last post by Bitzbug - November 09, 2020, 05:35:00 pm
My son in law doesn't respect
Anything. He keeps my daughter close at all times and even works where she does. How do i deal with his issues?
10
Hi S!  It is good to hear from you!  Man oh man has 2020 been a horrible year!  So many people have lost their jobs and the senate just went on vacation instead of passing an aid package for the people who are unemployed.  It could be that your DD is just one of the millions who worked in the hospitality industry or somewhere else where businesses are falling like flies and there is no job that the unemployed people are qualified for.  It is such a mess!  I would hesitate to blame your DD's situation on anything other than a once in a hundred year pandemic.  The situation is really dire for many young people.

I would have to call her and find out what was happening.  Maybe she doesn't need as much as you think she does.  Maybe your elder DD is in a position to help her.  The first step is to assess the situation and you cannot do that without calling.  Hugs!!

By the way I had to edit the religion out of your post.  We do not allow it here.  Sorry.
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