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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting through the final break from son
« Last post by Bamboo2 on February 17, 2018, 03:19:15 PM »
Hi Amflautist,
So sorry to hear about your situation.  For me, there was a grieving process that couldn't really be short-circuited.  But then I got angry, mostly at myself, for losing my self-repect in the process of trying to keep a relationship going no matter how I was treated by my DD.  Besides letting her go to live her own life and disengaging from knowing what was going on there, I nurtured a couple of relationships with young adult women who really valued me in their lives.  That was transforming, and really helped me understand that none of my DD's behavior toward me was really about me and it certainly should not have defined me.  I also had WWU, both posting and reading old threads, to help me, especially in weak moments when I was in the abyss, or in doubt about what I was doing or not doing with respect to my DD.  Tremendously supportive!  I wish you well in this transition.  I could feel your strength in your writing, and with time and change of focus, I believe you will weather this as have so many women here :)  It WILL get better!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting through the final break from son
« Last post by luise.volta on February 17, 2018, 09:38:00 AM »
A., I'm so sorry to hear what has transpired. We are old WWU friends and you are very dear to me. My heart goes out to you.


My experience didn't get to the stage you have just reached. My son died in his sleep of a sleep apnea stroke. His wife took up the banner and lambasted me when I reached out to support her after his untimely death.


The abyss you describe is horribly familiar. I can only say that for me to continue to stay in the climate of abuse meant that on some level I agreed with it. I found there was virtually nothing left of my self respect. I think I must have been clinging to some kind of ethic that a mother never gives up. Not consciously but it was evident in my decisions and behavior. My hopes and dreams, expectations and memories undermined my integrity and I sold out over and over again.


My healing has had to posthumous. My son made a choice and he stayed with it/'her'. My peace has come with knowing he had that right. He was a brilliant man, know in his field internationally. His two sons have followed in his footsteps, not in career choice but in success. I was not part of their upbringing. Now, as middle-aged adults, one holds me in contempt. He lives close by but I haven't seen or heard from him in years. The other thinks I hung the moon.


I have come to realize that very little of this had/has anything to do with me. Their perceptions and actions are about them...both the positive and the negative. I gave my biological role my best shot...human and imperfect. It was interpreted differently by two complex sons and later by two equally complex grandsons. My great granddaughter is a stranger, raised abroad, friendly and remote. Respectful but focused elsewhere.


The bottom line beyond the abyss for me, A., is dignity. I have chosen to give myself that gift. I deserve it. It isn't anything someone else can bestow on me or take away from me and I find that heartening.





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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Does it ever stop hurting so much
« Last post by Stilllearning on February 17, 2018, 06:43:38 AM »
Jools, I feel for you!  My DIL turned out to be bipolar and now she is on medication.  She was really hard to deal with at first and she got worse for a long time.  Now she mostly keeps quiet and I keep my distance.  The first thing that I had to realize was that there was only one part of this dynamic that I could change and that was myself.  So how could I change myself so that I could deal with this abuse?  I decided that there was only one way, I had to quit caring so much.  I had to take back my power.  I had to get to a point where my DIL could not hurt me and that meant that I had to decide that the DS I had raised was no longer there and I had to stop trying to find him or "save him".  I gave up.  I turned my focus to the things in my life that I enjoyed and visiting with my DS and DIL was not one of those things. 

Let's face it, when you get to our stage of life you deserve to enjoy it.  We worked hard to get here, we raised our children to the best of our ability at the time and now they are adults and out of our houses.  We should be taking bows and having fun!  I finally got to the point where I am having fun and I got here by deciding to focus on the things in my life that I enjoy and ignoring the things in life that bring me down.  I still find myself in the "poor me, I deserve better" abyss but I turn my focus to other things, things that bring happiness to my life. 

I am sorry that your DIL is so awful but know that you are not alone.  We understand and we are always here to listen.  Good luck!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Getting through the final break from son
« Last post by Stilllearning on February 17, 2018, 06:10:35 AM »
Amflautist, you are in what I call "the abyss" because it sucked me in and pulled me down.  There is a way out because I found it.  For me the realization that I did not enjoy visits with my DS was the turning point.  Why was I beating myself up trying to visit someone when I knew the visit was going to be unpleasant?  I did not know my DS anymore.  The person I was trying to see just wasn't there.  I mourned the loss of the wonderful young man I raised and then I started living again.  I started focusing on the things in my life that make me happy.  I started making plans for the times of year when I knew it would be the hardest to ignore my DS's absence (Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas) and my DH and I would go camping or visit someone else or go to a museum, anything to keep my mind occupied with something other than who was missing.  Whenever my mind's eye turned to the abyss I yanked it back and focused it on something joyful in my life. The more I focused on the joy, the more joy I found.  I have many things in my life to be thankful for and I had been ignoring them for years.  I am actually lucky that my DH stayed, I was no fun to be around! 

Eventually, maybe because I stepped back and was no longer an issue in their marriage, my DS opened his eyes and made a real effort to become part of our family again.  He now brings his children to see me and even comes alone sometimes.  I am getting to know him again and really enjoying the man he has become.  I know the son I raised (and that I was so desperate to keep) is gone, but the man he became is awesome and I am really enjoying him.  My DIL and I still do not like each other but we have managed to eek out a reasonable relationship.  I know what to avoid and frankly if I offend her by mistake (which happens all to frequently) I just don't care.  My DS will explain to her that I did not mean it that way (thankfully) and I just don't bring it up again.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to tell you is that "What you focus on Expands!" and you get to choose what you focus on.  You can gaze into the abyss or you can gaze into the eyes of your loving husband.  I chose my DH and life took a real turn for the better.  I still visit the abyss but it no longer has a hold on me.  And yes, if you are wondering, my DIL's FOO get the lion's share of the visits, I just ignore it. 

Hugs!!

I have heard a lot of rules on this site but this is the first time anyone has been disallowed to visit a city!!  Wow!!!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Getting through the final break from son
« Last post by amflautist on February 17, 2018, 12:48:39 AM »
I finally had to do it. I would like to say I found my spine and took my dignity back but in truth I was forced to do it by the ridiculous and humiliating rules that were set up for my visit. In short and without going back over 11 years of humiliation and groveling and being on my knees and saying  I'm sorry when it wasn't even my fault. I was always "the bigger person' the one who forgave the one who loved in spite of DIL who hated me.

Well they finally had kids, twin sons, three years ago. DH and I not allowed to see grandchildren except for 3 times in first year. Not at all for last two years. I was very happy when a last minute invitation to 3rd birthday party came two weeks ago, even though last minute airfare was $$$$.

I woke up at 4am for 6am flight. Found a long message on my phone giving lists of my inadequacies and transgressions, 90% of which was stuff made up by DIL. But it was the rules that got me!! DS - who usually seemed reasonable through all these years of stress - had asked us to come 2 days early and stay an extra day (in town not in his home because for DIL her home would be too stressful). DS asked us to come early because he wanted to bring our grandsons to us so we could take them to the children's museum and take them to lunch etc. Haha - he did not clear this with DIL and she was Stressed Out. Thus the rules.

Rules: You must not say anything bad about their house or the other guests at the party. (Huh? I am a gentle, considerate, gracious guest and hostess). When you get off the plane, you may not stay in my city. (We had planned to stay in our hotel and watch the Olympics for 2 days until the day of the party. No contact with anyone since by now it was clear there would be no seeing children before party). But we were told to rent a car and get out of their city  - go somewhere else for two days until party. Because just knowing we were in town would be too stressful for DIL.

That was the last straw. I have broken up with my son. I believe this is permanent. Although I said call me in the future if DIL changes, I know this will never happen. She never wanted us in her life, ignored us completely or threw tantrums if DS invited us over (in the early years) ... Etc.

The breakup is real. It is final. It is for me and my dignity and sense of self worth.

I am writing to ask anyone who went through this. How did you get through it? I wake up at night crying. I am mad at myself for allowing all the abuse for so many years. I want to be stronger when this is over, can't afford to let it affect my health.

How did you get through it???
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Grab Bag / Re: Happy Valentine's Day Luise!
« Last post by luise.volta on February 14, 2018, 03:46:42 PM »
Thank you so much! How long has it been, I wonder, that we have had this lovely, loving connection? Have a beautiful Valentine's Day, too!
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Grab Bag / Happy Valentine's Day Luise!
« Last post by amflautist on February 14, 2018, 03:17:01 PM »
Dear Luise,

I am thinking about you today.  Hoping you are well.  Grateful for all the wisdom you have granted me over the years.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DEAR FRIEND!

Love,
Linda
AF
amflautist
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: That Happened To Me, As Well
« Last post by luise.volta on February 14, 2018, 11:43:13 AM »
Welcome, Jools, I moved your post, so you can have your own thread.


We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


For me, accepting my eldest son's choice of a partner and the lessons he brought into his life as a result, was full of lessons for me, as well. He was an adult and no matter how inexperienced, they were his lessons. My years had brought me more wisdom but it was mine, not his. My expectations were for an expanded family not a broken one. That was long ago and I now have a grown grandson I am close to. Hang in there!
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / That Happened To Me, As Well
« Last post by luise.volta on February 14, 2018, 11:33:40 AM »
From Jools: I too have the same DIL situation. My son goes along with whatever she does & his family are alienated because he will not stand his ground. Its all about her family. She is a Narcissist & she has over the past 10 years driven a wedge through our once tight knit family. My daughter has suffered abuse from my DIL at the tender age of 14 when we went on holiday with my Son & DIL.[/size]My daughter never speaks to my son & she has been isolated from him by DIL.I have 2 Grandchildren from her & was told before the first was born that if I didn't apologise for telling her off about the abuse she did to my daughter I would never see my Grandchild. Both my husband & myself spoke to my son & told him that if that was what he wanted then so be it. We have been allowed into our Grandys lives but there are constant abusive things that DIL does to us. They come home to visit her family & stay with them & we get a few rushed hours to see the kids. We are always treated as the low life side of the family & get dished up left overs. It will not change. We will not however tolerate abuse so we only communicate thru our son to see, skype or call our Grandys. Its a very sad situation & I have no answers.I find myself wishing that one day my son will see what she is & will leave with the kids.She is truly the most spiteful nasty person I have ever encountered. Jools
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Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Does it ever stop hurting so much
« Last post by Jools on February 14, 2018, 11:17:44 AM »
I too have the same DIL situation. My son goes along with whatever she does & his family are alienated because he will not stand his ground. Its all about her family. She is a Narcissist & she has over the past 10 years driven a wedge through our once tight knit family. My daughter has suffered abuse from my DIL at the tender age of 14 when we went on holiday with my Son & DIL.
My daughter never speaks to my son & she has been isolated from him by DIL.
I have 2 Grandchildren from her & was told before the first was born that if I didn't apologise for telling her off about the abuse she did to my daughter I would never see my Grandchild. Both my husband & myself spoke to my son & told him that if that was what he wanted then so be it. We have been allowed into our Grandys lives but there are constant abusive things that DIL does to us. They come home to visit her family & stay with them & we get a few rushed hours to see the kids. We are always treated as the low life side of the family & get dished up left overs. It will not change. We will not however tolerate abuse so we only communicate thru our son to see, skype or call our Grandys. Its a very sad situation & I have no answers.
I find myself wishing that one day my son will see what she is & will leave with the kids.
She is truly the most spoteful nasty person I have ever encountered.
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