March 28, 2024, 06:57:37 PM

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - Stilllearning

481
Although I agree that the ex should pay I have to agree that getting him to pay will probably cost you more than it is worth.  Presenting a hostile front may drive the wedge between you and your son farther in and make your son attach even more strongly to his father.  I am absolutely certain that you do not want either of those things to happen.  Your son is now married and I am sure that his new wife will wise up to your ex's ways and bring him around.  Turn your attention to keeping good relations with her even if your son is distant. 

I know it is not fair but nobody ever told me life was fair.  Sometimes the fight to make it fair is like quicksand and sucks us steadily deeper the harder we struggle.  Try to rise above if you can.  Go hug your wonderful husband and thank your lucky stars for him!  Lucky you!  Some people never find a wonderful replacement for their abusive ex spouse!
482
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: My ex-SIL
June 11, 2013, 02:08:47 PM
I can't help but wonder who told you that your gc told his Dad that he did not swim and that you treated him differently from the other grands?  It could be that you are blaming the children for things they did not say or were coerced into saying.  It really takes a lower life form to do things like that but there are many parents out there who do it, especially if there is a divorce involved.  You are already convinced that the exSIL lies.
483
Pooh, I think you hit that nail on the head!!!  Thank you once again for your wonderful insights and calming manner. 
484
Grab Bag / Re: Having A Bad Day
May 29, 2013, 03:33:19 AM
I once had what I thought was a bad tooth on the upper jaw that turned out to be a sinus infection.  My dentist decided it was because I kept telling him which tooth was hurting when he thumped it but the tooth kept changing (even though I did not know he was thumping a different tooth).  Maybe you have a sinus infection and could get an appointment earlier with a general doctor than you can get with a dentist?  I would definitely avoid any doctor who told me to hold olive oil in my mouth to draw out the toxins.......
485
Grab Bag / Re: Having A Bad Day
May 11, 2013, 06:58:35 PM
Just a thought but maybe instead of a 'having a bad day' topic it would be nice to have a heading (like the grab bag, AC, MIL...) for "need some encouragement" where we could post something when we are having a bad day and just need someone to say something to make us feel better.  I know that whenever we post in the other sections (outside of the success stories and the grab bag) we are actually looking for someone to help us feel better but the other sections are actually looking for advice too.  Sometimes we know what we 'should' do (yes, one of those shoulds!) but we need some kind ears who will listen and say they agree.....or not??
486
I am so happy to be going on this cruise with you!!  My DH who is wonderful in most ways, loves boats but hates crowds so in spite of my longing for the cruise experience he has absolutely refused.  I thought I would never be able to take one!!  So I look forward to my banner and thank you so much for the flowers and strawberries Pooh!!  Does anyone know where I sign up for the massage?  And by the way....I think the LIDO is where you will find me....where ever and whatever that is!!  Love it.....and I really have a problem with motion sickness (hehe)!
487
If your ex-husband is very manipulative and wanted to 'get you back' then he would try to get you somewhere without your support structure (your current husband) and then insure that he had a legal right to be there (drop the restraining order).  I do not think your son should ask you to do that.  It leaves you exposed.  However he has asked and I can certainly understand your reluctance to agree.  I think you should approach your son with a suggestion for a compromise.  It seems to me that a two day celebration would have several separate events.  Surely you and your new husband could attend some of them and your ex could attend others and you could avoid your ex again and still keep the restraining order intact just in case.
488
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Bummed
May 02, 2013, 07:46:31 AM
Pooh....I think I can smell June!!  It is almost here!!
489
My Dad, who is now gone, would have been mad at me for making preparations for a visit if he said he would call first.  In his opinion he was not obligated to show up until he made further arrangements.  If he had told me he would call I probably would have called him to be sure nothing was wrong since he HAD told me he would call and then did not.  He would have understood why I called and been very apologetic for worrying me.  I guess that is why I believe that you should not count on a visit until a date and time are agreed upon by both parties. 

Saying that he would call and then not following though is, in my opinion, rude.... but part of the reason that we are here is that our children/ in laws or GC are rude.  We have to learn how to adjust our expectations so that we are not hurt by them.  We all want to get to a place where our interactions with them are pleasant and since we cannot change them we have to change ourselves.  Those who anger you control you.  Why are you allowing him/them to get you mad or hurt?
490
LC....just look at how far you have come!!  When you first posted you were mad because he did not call or come by and now you are almost glad he didn't.  I can see you working it out!! 

I do not think you are 'odd'.  I don't want to be responsible for young ones anymore either!  I raised mine, made mistakes but always did my best, and I do not want the burden of doing possible harm to another generation.  After all our children know how to do it right.....let them do it!
491
If your AC grows up let me know!!  I haven't yet and both of my parents are gone.  One of my favorite sayings is "No one is EVER old enough to know better".  I make new mistakes all the time and unfortunately I sometimes repeat my old ones.  Life is after all a learning experience.

I am trying to learn to expect less of my DS and DIL.  The less I expect the more chance they have of giving me a pleasant surprise and I could really  use one of those!!
492
I don't think I would give him a deadline for calling.  I would just figure that he would NOT come UNLESS he called.  If he called too late for me to get things together I would just say "Oh, I did not hear from you so I made other plans.....maybe next week?"  It is less confrontational but still gets the point across. 
493
Grab Bag / Re: Are you all happily married?
April 24, 2013, 03:48:15 AM
Freespirit if changing ourselves were easy none of us would need this site!!  Having an understanding ear gives us all a place to work out how we can change to accomplish the desired outcome. Knowing that you are not alone in your struggle, having people around who have been there and are willing to talk about their experiences gives all of us the strength to make changes and improve our lives. 

I have never seen a tug of war with only one side.  Drop the rope.  You do not have to pick up the other side.  Chances are if you stop pulling he will stop too.  You have a choice about if you let his criticism effect you or not.  I know this is difficult but it can be soooo liberating!!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Hang in there!  The rewards will be great for both of you. 
494
We love camping!!  We call camping from a motor home or pull behind "luxury" camping though!  Most of our camping is primative and by canoe.  Not much in the way of comforts but, oh, the views are incredible!! 
495
Grab Bag / Re: Are you all happily married?
April 23, 2013, 08:01:05 AM
Oh my goodness Pooh!!  How wonderfully you said exactly what I felt when my marriage turned around!!  Lucky for me my DH decided he wanted the marriage.  We were both pretty miserable until I changed.  I can't help but wonder if he had changed first would I have followed? 

Anyway the overwhelming opinion on this forum is for things to change, first I must change.  Our happiness is our responsibility and no one else's.  Do what makes you happy!!

And Lilly I totally agree!! :D