December 10, 2019, 10:11:37 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Stilllearning

466
Thanks for all of your input!  I have decided not to send it....as in my heart I knew from the start it would not help. 

Now I am just struggling with the thought.....could I be the glue in their relationship?  If this really is a rebellion, and the age is right, early twenties, then my reactions may have been a driving force in the marriage.  It actually could be that my continued issues are a uniting factor in their marriage.  I have to wonder.  And if it is a uniting factor can I be two faced enough to act as if she is the most wonderful DIL imaginable??  If I can act that way, for whatever reason, don't you think it will improve things?  At least acting that way, even if it is fake, will make someone other than me the problem.  I wonder if I can do that for the rest of my life?? 
467
so I am amending it as follows:

.....We managed to overcome the intimidation, overlook the small things and grow a wonderful partnership.

I feel like I have tried to do my part but every time we get together you dissect everything I say looking for an error.  I also know that you have tried too.  I am afraid to open my mouth because I think you will misunderstand what I say and you are afraid to say anything because you feel so intimidated .  If we never speak we will never get to know each other and we will both miss out.  Do you know of a way around this conundrum?



....better???
468
I know I need more points of view.  Thank you for giving me yours Loise!
469
I know it is difficult to believe, but I have a mother in law too.  I can still remember that I was afraid to meet her!  She knew all of these things that I did not know.  DH's family was much more socially active than mine was and she knew all about how to cook, entertain, knit, sew, arrange flowers, garden, can foods and so many other things that were quite daunting.  DH was 24 when we married so he had already gone through the 'pull away' phase of every young man's life and I luckily got credit for 'bringing him back' into the fold.  His mother, DS's grandmother, will still tell you that I am the one who straightened him out.  I will gladly take the credit although I know he was growing out of that phase of his life and into the next phase where his family became important to him.

When we first got married I did not know how to cook much.  I could cook some things.  If you ask DS he will tell you that I could not cook spaghetti for him when he was growing up unless DH was gone.  That is because it was one of the cheapest meals I knew how to cook when I got married and I completely burned DH out on it (but I still love it...hehe).  I had a budget of $20 a week for groceries and I could not afford to buy much chicken on that and ground beef is really good for stretching!!  We had enough money for one six pack of beer a week and we enjoyed every ounce of it!  We paid our rent every four weeks  so that we could save the money to pay for Christmas gifts.  Turns out if you pay every four weeks instead of once a month, by the end of the year you have a month paid in advance so we used the extra month's rent for Christmas.  DS may have told you some of this, I have told him often enough he should remember.

We got married and DH and his Dad started to communicate.  We had been married for only about 5 years when FIL died.  He was only 55 when he died and we both miss him every day.  DS would be named Jack but he was born too soon after FIL died and DH could not handle the constant reminder. FIL would have been so proud of his son, my husband, if he had lived to see him today.  He would have been thrilled to know his grandson, your husband.  He would be proud. 

I know that you feel intimidated by me.  I know the feeling because I have been there.  But if you can get over that feeling there is a lot you can learn about the family who raised your husband, the family who loved him and nurtured him (much like you will your baby) and shaped him into the man you wanted to marry.  I cannot tell you how much I have appreciated the support of my mother in law! She was a high school English teacher (probably why I NEVER wrote her, afraid she would correct the letter and send it back!)  I call her and go visit her without DH or anyone else because I love her.  Yes, there were times when she irritated me and times when she made me cry....more than you know!  We managed to overcome the intimidation, overlook the small things and grow a wonderful partnership.

I feel like I have tried to do my part but every time we get together you dissect everything I say looking for an error.  Of course you find one!  I am by no means perfect ! If you truly think it is all my fault so be it.  I will live with that.  All I ask , for DS's sake, is that you try to get to know ME and not assume you know me from what you think you understand. 

I am not really comfortable with you calling me by my first name.....perhaps we can settle on something that will be fitting for FGC to call me.  I am hoping for Mamaw if it is OK with the two of you....
470
Grab Bag / Re: Are you all happily married?
April 05, 2013, 12:46:29 pm
I have been married for 34 years and it is my only marriage as yet.  We kid each other all the time about trading each other in for a newer model or a cuter model or a whatever model.  When he gets on my nerves by doing something I usually say something snippy and we laugh.  At least we do now. 

A few years back we almost divorced.  We even decided to.  We were incredibly miserable!  Who cares how it started, I will tell you how it stopped.  I stopped expecting him to make me happy.  I found other ways to be happy.  The kids were young and he would leave town once or twice a year to go on a 'guys' week or week end and I would be miserable the entire time he was gone.  When I started taking the kids camping during his 'guy time' and enjoying myself and quit letting him control my happiness everything evened out and things have been improving ever since.

So my advice would be to stop trying to change 'things' and change yourself.  The only true change comes from within and you are the only one who can make you happy.

I am starting to use this strategy with my DS and DIL.  I am going to be happy, regardless of whether they are or not.
471
Pooh...I would have done things entirely differently for the rehearsal dinner if she had made her view clear to me in the early planning stages!!  The places that serve alcohol are quite different from the establishments that do not and quite expensive so I rented a huge house and cooked lasagna.  Had I known I probably would have gotten a banquet hall somewhere that does not serve drinks and saved myself ALOT of money and EVEN MORE WORK!!  You are right about the "wait to get married" talk although her Mom told her the same thing....go figure.  She just feels threatened by me and has done her best to convince my DS that it is all my fault.  The older we get the more we realize that it is NEVER all one persons fault and I can certainly see where I could have done things better but I did the best I could.  Oh well.......

Freespirit....It had not even occurred to me that the way my DIL and DS treat me will teach my GC how to treat me.  Maybe it is better to just step back and let things play out.  I am no doctor but I do believe that her family is disfunctional.  Everyone except her Mom has ADD and it was, after all, HER therapist. 

Herbalescapes.....The things you are so willing to over look seem ruder to me than the one you chose to object to.  Funny how that works out.  Yes he is in school but he quit yet another job this week.  DIL is about to graduate but has decided that although teaching is what she has wanted all her life and will be getting her degree in she cannot do it.  Teaching is a really difficult career so I can understand that.  She has decided to go back to school and get a masters degree in art.  Do you know what you use a masters in art for if you do not teach?  I can't think of anything.  She is a wonderful artist though!!  I asked her to do a picture for me and it is really wonderful!  I don't think I could sell it for $500 and that is what she charged me to do it.  If she can sell them for that much she should just start making those!  It took her less than a week.  Sounds like good money to me.  Unfortunately I am her only customer..... 

Ladystar....bless your heart!  I am so sorry things have gotten so bad!  They better be glad they have you instead of me because I would send them packing.  You are a much stronger person than I am.  Hope things improve!

Thanks again for the wonderful ideas and thoughtfull replies!  My DH thanks you too!!  LOL
472
Thank you thank you Keys Girl!!  You knew just what I needed to hear!  I am glad to know someone else is refusing to be held hostage.  It seems like everyone else thinks we should be voiceless doormats.  I know that not letting them push my buttons but maintaining contact would be better for them but I am tired of doing what is better for them and by golly they can pick up a phone too.  I want to do what is better for ME and DH is sick of hearing about it ::)  Thanks again!!

Why is it that this forum needs to know if I can add??  LOL :)
473
Let me start out by thanking you for having this forum!!  I am the only one in my large family who is having troubles right now (some have worked through issues...lucky them!) and I was feeling very alone :(   It is a wonderful gift to find out that there are so many who have similar problems although I really wish NONE of us were in such emotional distress!!

My eldest DS was doing nicely until he met his wife.  He had a job that he had kept for years and his employer (who was wonderfully understanding with a 16 year old's work ethic) was assigning him more and more responsible duties.  In his senior year he started to do things that I disagreed with but I knew I had to loosen the reigns and he was not (and still is not) involved with drugs or in trouble with the law so I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.  He went to a college in town and lived here for a semester and then he moved out.  I did not stand in his way....as a matter of fact I helped him (as much as he would let me).  He met my DIL while he was living at home and the relationship continued with only a few minor glitches until they married.  When he told me they were going to wed I asked him to wait until he was out of college.  BIG MISTAKE!!  Instead of waiting they moved the date up by two months.  Guess I learned my lesson.  When I asked them to wait I said "you are already living together, what is the rush?"  I have since found out that DIL took that as me calling her, well, let's just say loose. 

I tried in the months preceding the wedding to make Friends with DIL...all the way up to visiting her therapist with her (where I found out I had 'separation issues' and she was perfectly justified in refusing to visit my house) another BIG MISTAKE!!  She said I made her uncomfortable because I tried to talk her into trying some outdoor stuff....started with canoeing and camping which the family (including DS) loved and then moved onto less adventurous things like hiking and such.   She feels that I am too pushy.  Hmmmm...  She says that I hate her...ever hear of a self fulfilling prophesy? 

I have been unfriended on facebook by her and two other members of her family and no, I did not post anything about her there although I hear she called me and a few of my kin alcoholics.  DH and myself gave a rehearsal dinner for them and she told me TWO WEEKS before the date that she did not want any wine with dinner.  Did you know you cannot take wine back?  I do now!  My family loves to have a good time and that usually includes alcohol but no one gets up in the morning and has a liquid breakfast or spends the night worshiping the "porcelain god" (if you know what I mean).   So I got to pay for a dinner without being able to supply the things my relatives enjoy.  Boy that was fun!!! 

Since then I have gotten the silent treatment except when they want or need something.  Now there is a GC on the way.  I am uncertain if I even want to try to get involved with that!!  If I fall in love with the GC then it will give them more power over me.  I have finally wrestled the reigns for my heart back and I do not want to just hand them back to DIL and DS.  I am honestly happier NOT knowing what is happening.  My wonderful sister is offering to give them a shower and I don't want to attend.  I went to a bridal shower and I felt like I was walking into a den of wolves (her family) and I do not care to suffer that again.  They have not acknowledged their wedding presents (two year anniversary was this week) and when I send them something they do not let me know they got it. Now they have moved and not told us their new address (I only went to their last address once in their year there.  I have not just 'dropped in' ). 

I told my sister that she could give the shower if she wanted but I am not going.  Now I feel like a real cad. 

Any thoughts??
474
Misspelled it!!  Sorry!  And yes....I checked out the "look here first" page or what ever you call it.   :)
475
Just curious because I know my parents and my wonderful ILs had problems with their oldest and I am having problems with my oldest.  Could you please let me know where in the birth order your problem AC is?