The next thing I figured out was that some holidays (Mother's Day, Christmas and such) were going to be difficult to manage without noticing my DS's absence so I started planning things. There was one Thanksgiving when my DH and I decided not to have the big feast on Thursday because the weather was so wonderful. We went canoeing on Thursday and I cooked on Friday when it was raining. It was really liberating to realize that I could just shift the celebration around, Christmas did not have to be on December 25th. So I started making plans for important days and letting my DS know what they were. I stopped expecting him to show up (I knew he did not want to be there anyway) but I would tell him he could come if he wanted.
It was the most amazing thing. Once I stopped pulling on him he stopped pulling away. It was like I had been part of the problem by constantly demanding he change things. I only had control over myself so the only way I could change the situation was for me to change the way I looked at things. I started reciting my three mantras:
1) No news is good news
2) For things to change first I must change
3) What you focus on expands
I started practicing changing my focus. When I thought about my situation with my DS I would tell myself number 1 and then work on changing my focus from that horrible situation to something that I enjoyed (like planning a camping trip). My relationship with my DH was the first to improve. He was so tired of trying to fix the impossible situation with my DS and so tired of watching me hurt without any way of making it better. I never realized how unfair I was being to my DH until after it was over.
After a few months of loving detachment my DS realized what he was missing and has slowly moved into a better relationship with my DH and myself. We are now seeing my DS and grands every Saturday (for the summer) and everyone enjoys it. My DIL gets the day off from being a Mom, my DS gets help watching the children and I get the hugs and squeals that make my heart smile and brighten my life.
I know that I was fortunate with my eventual outcome but honestly when I pulled away it was out of desperation. Things had to change, one way or the other. I could not go on in the same way. Period. Quite frankly if it had turned out that I was estranged from my DS I think I would have been OK. I just could not put up with being treated that way any longer and with the help from the wonderful women here I found my way of stopping the abuse. After all no one can hurt my feelings if I don't let them, right?
Anyway C, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to recover your former self from this horrible situation! Hugs!