June 05, 2020, 08:31:56 pm


"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - Stilllearning

Let me start out by thanking you for having this forum!!  I am the only one in my large family who is having troubles right now (some have worked through issues...lucky them!) and I was feeling very alone :(   It is a wonderful gift to find out that there are so many who have similar problems although I really wish NONE of us were in such emotional distress!!

My eldest DS was doing nicely until he met his wife.  He had a job that he had kept for years and his employer (who was wonderfully understanding with a 16 year old's work ethic) was assigning him more and more responsible duties.  In his senior year he started to do things that I disagreed with but I knew I had to loosen the reigns and he was not (and still is not) involved with drugs or in trouble with the law so I decided to let sleeping dogs lie.  He went to a college in town and lived here for a semester and then he moved out.  I did not stand in his way....as a matter of fact I helped him (as much as he would let me).  He met my DIL while he was living at home and the relationship continued with only a few minor glitches until they married.  When he told me they were going to wed I asked him to wait until he was out of college.  BIG MISTAKE!!  Instead of waiting they moved the date up by two months.  Guess I learned my lesson.  When I asked them to wait I said "you are already living together, what is the rush?"  I have since found out that DIL took that as me calling her, well, let's just say loose. 

I tried in the months preceding the wedding to make Friends with DIL...all the way up to visiting her therapist with her (where I found out I had 'separation issues' and she was perfectly justified in refusing to visit my house) another BIG MISTAKE!!  She said I made her uncomfortable because I tried to talk her into trying some outdoor stuff....started with canoeing and camping which the family (including DS) loved and then moved onto less adventurous things like hiking and such.   She feels that I am too pushy.  Hmmmm...  She says that I hate her...ever hear of a self fulfilling prophesy? 

I have been unfriended on facebook by her and two other members of her family and no, I did not post anything about her there although I hear she called me and a few of my kin alcoholics.  DH and myself gave a rehearsal dinner for them and she told me TWO WEEKS before the date that she did not want any wine with dinner.  Did you know you cannot take wine back?  I do now!  My family loves to have a good time and that usually includes alcohol but no one gets up in the morning and has a liquid breakfast or spends the night worshiping the "porcelain god" (if you know what I mean).   So I got to pay for a dinner without being able to supply the things my relatives enjoy.  Boy that was fun!!! 

Since then I have gotten the silent treatment except when they want or need something.  Now there is a GC on the way.  I am uncertain if I even want to try to get involved with that!!  If I fall in love with the GC then it will give them more power over me.  I have finally wrestled the reigns for my heart back and I do not want to just hand them back to DIL and DS.  I am honestly happier NOT knowing what is happening.  My wonderful sister is offering to give them a shower and I don't want to attend.  I went to a bridal shower and I felt like I was walking into a den of wolves (her family) and I do not care to suffer that again.  They have not acknowledged their wedding presents (two year anniversary was this week) and when I send them something they do not let me know they got it. Now they have moved and not told us their new address (I only went to their last address once in their year there.  I have not just 'dropped in' ). 

I told my sister that she could give the shower if she wanted but I am not going.  Now I feel like a real cad. 

Any thoughts??
Just curious because I know my parents and my wonderful ILs had problems with their oldest and I am having problems with my oldest.  Could you please let me know where in the birth order your problem AC is?