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Messages - gettingoldandcranky

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Used to love holidays but now dread them. Hard to see families together with happy pictures and lovely gifts and i would be happy if the phone rang.  Just overwhelmed with sadness again

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Abandon by son
« on: December 15, 2015, 07:19:09 AM »
we went through similar situation with my son.  hurt many time, and badly, before backing away to save myself.  as time passes, things seem to be getting better.  not exactly what i planned or wanted.  but we spend time together.  we don't talk much - seems strange because he and i were always so close.  but at least we spend time with his children.  try not to dwell on things and hope for the changes to happen!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: To Gift or Not to Gift
« on: December 15, 2015, 07:13:31 AM »
i would also suggest a "couples" gift.  gift card, floral arrangement, food platter.
my mom always told us "do the right thing" and, over the yrs i have learned to do what makes me feel good about my choice of what to do.
good luck with your decision.

Grab Bag / Re: dividing an estate
« on: December 09, 2015, 07:47:17 AM »
updating this issue.  now my brother wants to buy my sister's and my share for the house that my parents owned.  he is only offering 20,000.  the house is valued at 120,000.
he also is not allowing us to enter the house by keeping the screen doors locked and not opening the house to my sister or i.
i just went to a lawyer yesterday to start the probate process.  the only options he had for me was to contact my brother and give him a 30 day notice to move out.
i feel so guilty about that.  he is a single guy, did have a drinking problem yrs ago.  he had moved away for a few years but then moved back in with my father.
i have an obligation to get the best price for the house for my sister's share of the estate (also for my share).  but i hate the idea that he will be forced to move out of the house and i might never see him again.  i know he will be hurt and angry.
he will not communicate with either my sister or i and i know that i have no other choice, but it is making me feel so terrible.  my parents would be so sad to see this happen.
any thoughts or advice?

Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Controlling MIL
« on: November 14, 2015, 07:28:41 AM »
i worked with a great woman yrs ago.  She said what she felt, did what she wanted and didn't get pulled into drama.  She was kind, loving and very fair and wise.  Everyone loved her.  In this instance, she would just say my child is allergic but we'd love to spend time with you.  She would pick the compromise, verbalize it, and mil could take it or leave it.
If the drama starts, walk away, don't listen, don't respond.  i know it's easy to say but such a release when you can do it and walk away.
Stay strong and good luck.  Husband will come around or he won't.  But your son will know that you stood up for him.
I am trying to do that now with my dil.  when we can't visit or they won't visit - oh well, their loss.  things seem to be better for me when i gave up the hand wringing and wishing for what i envisioned with my grandchildren.  When we see them we enjoy every minute and they do too.  We have moved into visits with my son and the kids without dil.  Love her, but it is much calmer without her watching us every minute and always in control.  Life moves forward and i try to keep the drama away.

Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Controlling MIL
« on: November 09, 2015, 08:38:46 AM »
i've been on both sides of mil issues.  my mil did and said whatever she wanted and my husband didn't stand up for me.  but i stood my ground and had arguments with her for years.  my kids, my hubby and myself always came first and she didn't like it much.
now my son has a family and my dil keeps us at arms distance, even though i don't interfere.  i go along to get along.  we miss out on a lot of the grandchildren's lives, but have learned to live with what we get.
stand up for your son!  he is your priority - depends on you.  maybe your husband will get his priorities straight, maybe not.  maybe counseling for your marriage?  it won't be easy, but it does get easier.  speak up for your baby and don't go to their house.

Helpful Resources / Re: Loving Detachment 101
« on: November 02, 2015, 09:30:05 AM »
thanks for this bamboo2.  some great suggestions

Grab Bag / Re: dividing an estate
« on: September 29, 2015, 06:41:11 AM »
thanks for looking at this from the outside.  great advice.  any other loan would be expected to be paid to the estate.
thanks to all

Grab Bag / dividing an estate
« on: September 28, 2015, 08:55:09 AM »
Hope that i can get some perspective and/or advice.  my dad passed away in january and we are just splitting up his and my mom's estate. i am the oldest and the executor.
my brother moved back home about 3 yrs ago when my dad started to have health problems. brother took care of bills, the house and just was there for my dad.  My father's retirement income covered all bills and brother paid for nothing.  just his own personal expenses. 
my younger sister borrowed money from my dad during this time.  She struggles to pay her bills - jobs in our area just don't pay for the cost of everything.
anyway..... now that things are about to be divided guess what is happening?  sis feels she shouldn't have to pay back her loans because brother got to live for basically "free" for 3 yrs.
i feel that dad made the arrangement with brother - he didn't ask him to pay rent or cover bills.  dad would have helped any of us financially. also, the fact that brother lived with dad was a great help and relief to me that dad had someone with him and helping him.
what do the wise women think?  both brother and sister are circling each other - totally believing that each is right.
i need to decide the fairest option.  and here i am with no loan, and no one covering my bills.  ironically ok with not screaming that this is unfair to me.
help please

Grab Bag / Re: So Trivial to me now..
« on: August 16, 2015, 02:01:27 PM »
sorry for your news lilly.  will keep u in my thoughts and prayers


Only worse thought is that maybe he DID stand up for us, and she cares so little for what even HE thinks that she STILL treats us this way.  Either way, her cold treatment of us has damaged our relationship with him. 

Which is so sad, as he was the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world.  I miss him.

Monroe - hope i quoted you correctly.  this is exactly how i feel.  after yrs of cold DIL, our DS just goes along and tells me I'm wrong when i call her out.  so i have just given up and now keep my mouth shut.  but i do, always, miss the sweet boy and adult and the love that he showed to us before DIL took over.  will never understand the why

i am in the situation with my dil.  everything seemed good until the grandbabies came. now the claws come out.  she puts up roadblocks on most visits and contacts.  at this point, when we do get to visit or talk, i just act the best i can, never make negative comments or ask for more contact.  can't say i miss you - it's been so long - nothing.  anything sets her and my ds off.
just happy, happy mom and enjoy what i get and move along.  trying not to think of how long until we see them again.
her family?  always there - always involved.  why?  really believe it is jealousy.  her husband's family loses - her husband loses - her kids lose.
there are a whole bunch of people who love them and want to see them.
 sorry for going on.
just be yourself with your mil - take what she gives as a relationship.  and decide if it hurts too much to move along......

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: being excluded
« on: July 04, 2015, 02:47:25 PM »
bad enough not to be included but why did your son have to tell you about it the next day?  rubbing it in or just clueless?
i live through this too - sending you good wishes.   stay strong! 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / visiting
« on: July 03, 2015, 08:22:16 AM »
just checking in to vent yet again.  ds and his family away for the wkend.  nice, right?  they traveled 300 miles and rented a place with friends.  good for them - glad they are having fun.
we live within an hour.  when we invite it is too much trouble - always an excuse.  too far, too hard to travel.  ALWAYS an excuse. 
just don't understand.
trying to keep that rope dropped.  but it still hurts when you get slapped.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: DIL has never shown respect
« on: June 22, 2015, 01:06:16 PM »
lilly, i agree totally.  isn't it interesting that this site, wise women unite, is so much more supportive than another site i was involved with.
thought it was a support site for my new grand title and it is more supportive of the adult children's point of view and totally slams any idea that a good mom and/or whole family can get cut off for unknown reasons.
so grateful for the support and advice that i find here.

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