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Messages - gettingoldandcranky

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Grab Bag / Re: Pooh, where are you?
« on: April 17, 2017, 07:07:34 AM »
thanks pooh.  nice to read where you are now.  happy for you!

Grab Bag / Re: Hosting Large Holiday Meals
« on: April 12, 2017, 06:25:51 AM »
jdtm  i find it very hard also to see how things change.  growing up, the holidays were always with family.  big meal, dressing up, easter baskets and egg hunts.  such a fun day!
now my adult kids aren't interested in the same - i just don't understand.  my grandkids won't have that anticipation for new outfits, basket surprises.  it is sad in my opinion.  but i am cooking the meal for my hubs and me.  if they come and participate it will be great!  we were told at christmas that they would not be coming and by the day before, plans had changed and my house was full!
you never know what life brings.  i've decided to do what makes me happy and go from there.  hope whatever you do brings you joy!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: visiting
« on: April 03, 2017, 06:13:30 AM »
thanks for the advice and replies.  no, ds was not there.  in re reading this post i realize that my negativity is pervasive.  dil allowed the visit and i got to see my grandkids.  i need to be grateful for this.  i AM grateful for this.  dil does not like me, as a friend.  but, at least, i am allowed to spend time with grandkids.       i am constantly working on improvements in my attitude....   how are you doing, marina?

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / visiting
« on: March 30, 2017, 07:58:44 AM »
went to visit the grandkids. we live fairly close, but don't often get to visit.  they are busy, parking is a problem.  we haven't had a really easy relationship.  had lots of fun at their home, then we went to the playground.  my dil spent the majority of her time visiting with other people.  she never introduced us, didn't excuse herself from conversations because she had "visitors". we spent over an hour just sitting alone and watching kids running around playing.    when we left and had dinner at a small restaurant, she excused herself to call a friend and proceeded to chat for 15 - 20 minutes.  i KNOW that we are not the people she likes to spend time with, but isn't this rude? when i was young and raising my kids, i felt obligated to put on my happy face and be pleasant and converse with my in laws or anyone that was a guest - even if i didn't particularly care for them.  they were important to my husband and we both wanted them to be an important part of our kids lives.
in a previous post, louise had mentioned not being of part of "no respect".  i find myself concerned that the kids notice this and it might impact them. 
at this point, we take whatever time we can get.  i can only hope that the kids enjoy being with us and that their mom ignoring us does not impact how they feel.
what do my wise women think?

trailblazing girl gave great advice.  it certainly hurts to have a mom/child relationship change when the good things happen and you feel not wanted.  i live this with my son/dil.  i am finding that the less i push the better it is for me and i am surprised sometimes to be included in the fun stuff.  i also find my disappointment in my dil's mom.  i would not allow her to be treated like we are left out.  so our interactions with her are scarce and not so warm and fuzzy.   stop with the money.  that was my first step.  they never commented and i guess they didn't miss it - i had been sending an amount each month to help out.  stay strong and put yourself first.  the new baby will be hard.  keep coming here.  lots of good advice to be found

Grab Bag / Re: Today is my 90th Birthday!
« on: March 11, 2017, 11:06:29 AM »
Happy Birthday!  Thank you so much for these forums.  You have impacted my life immensely.  Enjoy your born day and many, many more to come!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At a loss of what to do
« on: March 07, 2017, 07:06:45 AM »
first of all, i would tell dil that you "love her greatly", as you said in your first post. it would be there, that's how you feel, and her choice to deal with it.  your son should hear it too.   i have lived thru years of dil problems.  i find when i don't participate when i am invited to, it is pointed out over and over - "you were invited, and you didn't come".  it is SO very hard to be there when i am uncomfortable - her mom is THE mom.  i am the outsider.  she is a member of their family.  we are not.  but, when the baby comes, the mission is to have a relationship with your grandchild.  anything you can get and whenever you can get it.  my husband and our extended family take whatever time we can get from my ds and dil.  it's the only way we are a part of my grandkids life.  sometimes dil is not bad - even loving.  other days, you can't cut the tension with a knife - then we cut the visit short.  unfortunately, the grandkids are picking up on her feelings and there have been times when they ask when they can leave a visit with us and go see other grandmom.  hurts. but where we are now, we put up with some things to love the grandkids. and my son can never say we didn't try

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: No change after 9 years
« on: January 10, 2017, 07:10:04 AM »
glad you are doing better with this sad situation.  glad your son is open to seeing you one on one.  too bad he doesn't have the courage to advocate for you with his wife. 

Grab Bag / Re: Thank you!
« on: December 24, 2016, 09:52:42 AM »
I just came here to say the same!  The support and insights are always shared when i come here flustered or bothered by something.  I love my wise women and am so very grateful for this site.  Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year to all.  May you all find comfort and love over these holiday weeks.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Holiday strategies?
« on: December 01, 2016, 05:49:32 AM »
"hope, dashed hope...repeat"    the dance of the left behind mil.  after coming out of a visit the thought runs through the head that maybe we'd be better off without the visits.  but then i think of seeing my grands and know that i need to suck it up for them.  always drama, always hurt.  my son cuts us off if we start to disagree with anything they say or do.  but he and dil can say whatever they want and do whatever they want and we listen and shake our heads.  all to not get cut off from the kids.  certainly not what i wanted.  such is life,huh?

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Holiday strategies?
« on: November 12, 2016, 09:04:14 AM »
Holidays were easy when my kids were young. Now?  not so much.  dil and ds are hot and cold when it comes to us. can never predict what will be.  last year i was told they would spend christmas with dil's mom because it's not fair to her that they come to us each year.  her mom does not celebrate christmas, by the way.  my response was that's fine, we will celebrate another day, just let us know what works for you.
miracle of miracles, last minute, they came to us to celebrate.
thanksgiving, my sister was to cook and host.  3 days before, she cancelled.  couldn't do it, too busy.
this year i am planning both holidays at my house.  whoever comes, comes.  hope for all to be there - expect they will.  but if not, life will continue.  decision made -

welcome!  have the same issues here with dil.  what bothered me also was when you said granddaughter said something.  my fear is that the grands hear or feel the dislike from dil and pick up on that with their relationship with us.  no need for the jealousy and it does impact what should be a loving relationship with all - grands, son and wife.  so sad

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: helping financially
« on: September 29, 2016, 11:08:08 AM »
thanks wise women!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / helping financially
« on: September 27, 2016, 11:25:36 AM »
I have been struggling with this for a while and am posting for wise advice.  DS has mentioned that they are having financial concerns, living from paycheck to paycheck. 
My husband and i had sent him a set amount every month before ds and dil had even started their family, they have 2 children now.  DIL never acknowledges any gifts - birthday, anniversary, even christmas presents.  I only see the cashed checks.  DS mentioned the monthly checks when i started sending them, but never acknowledged again.  After the first baby, in conversations, we learned that DIL was paying bills for her mom who doesn't work consistently but does have a home, car, and also travels.  So, DS and DIL are paying out some of their income to cover her mom's bills.  SO, i stopped the monthly checks.  Why should i help pay her mom's bills?  DS never asked why the checks stopped.
Now, they are having a hard time again and i feel bad not helping.  I don't like to see my son stressed out and we can afford to help. But the idea that our money would be supporting her mom makes me angry and not want to be involved.
I know this seems like a no brainer, we've had years of relationship problems with DIL and her mom, but it just seems i should just help again and let him sort it out.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Dreading Wedding
« on: August 10, 2016, 07:40:37 AM »
Glad you made it through.  Relief on the other side, right?  Every encounter is a new adventure.  We never know how others come into a situation or how we are feeling that moment affects us.  After many years of hurt with dil and son, i try to go with best intentions and high hopes.  Seems like they are trying now too.  Just keep moving forward and hope for the very best!

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