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Messages - forever spring

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Grab Bag / Re: Reminder
« on: April 30, 2012, 10:38:30 PM »
Yep, I do remember the commercial, clever move by Coke.
It's a melody that's difficult to shake off once it's in your brain. Why not connect with the beauty of life in amongst the dross.
Enjoy the Spring everybody in the Northern Hemisphere.  :)

Grab Bag / Re: My Chaotic Life Update
« on: April 30, 2012, 10:35:35 PM »
LL, I want my life simple!  It's not cooperating! Lol.

So true for all of us here, lol.
Sorry to hear about recurring illness, but there seems to be light at the horizon with looking forward to the new GC by a lovely fDIL. Great stuff that. ((((hugs)))) from me too! Enjoy the spring time.

- that hurtful MIL/DIL relationship usually spills over into the husband-wife relationship.  A lot of bad MIL/DIL relationships contribute to divorce.  While a MIL may risk loosing her DS/GC, the DIL risks loosing her DH and we shouldn't minimize that, especially when we look at the fallout on the children. 

O dear, I hope I'm not guilty of the rift between DS and DIL, that would be bad as ...
and never intended. HONESTLY!

Grab Bag / Reminder
« on: April 29, 2012, 10:37:45 PM »
We are only in this world for a relatively short time - why waste this time with feuds and bad feelings?

Totally rhetorical question of course. There would be no literature, music or art if all was hunky dory and we loved each other 24/7, I know that but sometimes it would be so good to live in peace and harmony always! As in the song:

'I want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony with honey bees and apple trees and snow white turtle doves.'  :D :D :D

I like posting on the positive thought thread. I read it every morning, then go for a brisk walk to face the day - and it works wonders. I'm not disconnecting myself from my pain but I have found a way to make it bearable until it passes - and pass it will!

See, I feel better already humming the song above.
Have a good day when it starts in your part of the world!

Believe me, I have asked myself how things could go so pear-shaped in a relationship with my DIL.
She was polite before she married my DS, but I was never myself when I was with her and I’m sure she wasn’t at her ease either. |We never had a hearty laugh together. I was always accommodating, gave lots of presents etc. and tried to woo her. Neither my DH nor I could ever fully understand why our son had chosen her. We paid towards their wedding etc. but it was always an uphill struggle and my DH feared that it wouldn’t last. We did everything for the sake of our DS, believing him to have found his source of happiness.
Then the first child was born and things became difficult because they didn’t seem to be able to cope even though her FOO was always at her beck and call. When the second child was on the way, I decided to come and stay near them. My son had expressly asked me to. I left DH who works in a different country, so was on my own. Then the whole tragedy started . I believe, she never really wanted me there and only went with it because her DH had asked me. The older GC was very awkward with me (he was only a 2 ½), so quite understandable that he reacted like this. I was like a stranger.
DIL tried to include me in the beginning but I didn’t want to be in the house when her DH was there, I wanted the couple to have time together and not with DM/MIL, so I always left soon after he came. Not sure whether this signalled to her that I didn’t want to be with her. The problems became worse when she accused me of not doing things right and not being a great help anyway. Towards the end of my stay in the house near them, I spent a lot of time on my own waiting to be called but she hardly ever asked me to help any more. She only asked for my help when she knew I was doing something else and would have to decline.
We had become unable to talk to each other, communication had broken down completely. I have never been in a situation such as this in my life.  I felt really lost and unable to deal with my situation or try to improve it. Everything I ever knew about communicating with people had gone out of the window and I didn't know myself any more. This was so strange.
Then I decided to move back to DH because it didn’t make much sense to be at a loose end near them and DH alone in the place where he worked.
The problem from the start was that we didn’t have clear boundaries. I wasn’t assertive enough (I’m just not wired that way) and maybe even too servile so that she couldn’t respect me. I think the lack of respect was the worst thing. I admit I'm easily hurt, I'm not  tough that way and maybe I took some things that weren't meant to hurt me too seriously?
My DS left her five months ago which shows that the marriage was on the rocks when I was there, even though I always thought they could work things out and even if they were not exactly happy, their relationship was durable. Since then I have spent a lot of time thinking about how she did see me and what I did wrong.  I think I became a MIL from hell because I was too quiet and accepting and maybe gave off vibes (without wanting to) of disapproving with everything which must have been difficult for her.
The fact that my lovely GC will not grow up in a stable family pains me very much because my DS grew up in a 2 parent home. I don’t know what made him leave. I do hope that xDIl will be happy with somebody else and so will DS and above all that my GC will not suffer too much from this situation, after all they didn’t chose it.
I would like to establish some kind of relationship with my xDIL but how, I don’t know – any idea?

WHOOPS a long post - you seem to have struck a chord, Vasilisa!

I hear what you are saying, Vasili. There is a lot of good and true stuff, especially what you say about the difference in childbearing and marrying age. In the past, the age gap was smaller and equally expectations must have been different.
I don't think your MIL should criticise you for not going to work. The early years with the children are so precious and if you can be there for them in a relaxed and steady manner, that's priceless. I'm from the 60's generation where women were expected to work. I didn't have a job then and stayed at home but I was always a bit envious about other women who went out to earn a crust. Now in hindsight, I'm happy to have had the time with my children. However, I don't forget that this was also a privilege and some women just have to go to work - no choice there.
FOO and maternal GM rule! I read somewhere that this can be explained by genetics. The mother knows that she is the mother, so the maternal GM knows that the baby is carrying her genes. Nobody can ever really know who the father is (before DNA testing, that is) and therefore the paternal GP aren't so involved because the offspring may not carry their genes - and according to this study, this is what it's all about!

Like Luise said, every story is different and a lot depends on the cultural and social background.

I considered myself an amiable, easy to-get-on-with, loving, non-judgemental person until I made the wrong decision and moved from a safe distance of 20,000 miles near DS (on his request) and DIL to help look after the GC. I can honestly say this was the worst thing I've done in my life because I turned into the opposite of everything I believed myself to be - and to this day I'm not sure why all of this happened and why only one person should have brought about the change? I'm not blaming anybody. There is something in the chemistry ot DILs and MILs and if it's the wrong mix, it goes BANG!

So anybody out there: if you are considering leaving a well paid job, your house, a country you love, close friends etc. to become a 'MIL from hell' be warned!  :o

I own up to having been a 'MIL from hell' for my xDIL and now it's so hard to pick up the pieces to believe in myself again.  :-[

Grab Bag / Re: Today's Positive Thought
« on: April 28, 2012, 10:19:09 AM »
“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”

PS: Downloaded from Great website to brighten up dark days!

The cheers to the new you, Pen! The occasional 'sinful hour' with a carton of Ben and Jerry's not to be missed either, stress is on occasional.
Seriously, I'm sorry for DDD who is missing out on contact with DB. He will in years to come regret all of this. I think Luise is right, put the ball in his court and ask him if he wants to talk, if not then it'll be his fault and you don't come over all whiny and needy.

Pen, I'm just as confused as you are.  Their behavior makes no sense.  The only thing I can think of is that they are having some kind of personal problems and it's hard for people with personal problems to keep up with the people around them.  It's probably not about you at all -- even though their behavior was rude to you.

This is just what happened in my case. DS and exDIL had grave personal problems and their behaviour towards us was not about us at all. We know that now.
Still difficult to take when it happens to you. Happy 60th, Pen. lLfe begins at 60 or is that 85, Luise?

Pen, again so sorry to hear about your pain. I think, I know how you feel. You have all reason to be hurt by such treatment. They inflicted an injury. The open wound will take time to heal, but heal it will!

Luise your words are a great consolation because you speak them from you heart and they reach our hearts. They are like a balm. It must take some emotional energy for you to write down your thoughts and share them. Thank you for your commitment to your forum.

Ruth, thank you for your willingness to write details about your son and how he's treated you for such a long time and how the little flicker of hope has made a lot the difference for your outlook of the future. At least there is something to built upon. Your trust in God will be a solace to you and give you strength.
LL I agree with your comment. Sometimes it's good to be angry to be able to work through our pain.

You know this anyway, Pen, but all that has happened to you is not your fault. You and your DH have done well and provided your son with the tools for life. You have no more say in how he uses these tools. That applies to all of us. As Luise said, we don't know why they chose wives so different in every aspect of life from us. When this happens we can only win by trying to preserve our integrity and personality. Re-focus if only for a short time each day in the hope that these moments will get longer and longer and longer - until the pain subsides and you can move on properly. I am thinking of you ...

Dearest Pen, I'm so sorry to hear this. That really hurts because you have all the memories of your DS as a child when his love was unconditional and the closeness complete. I was in the same situation last year when I thought I had lost my DS. He left the family meanwhile and blames some of the break-up on his then DW's FOO constant involvement. I'm not saying that mine is a good situation to be in and I wish I didn't have to face this. It just goes to show how things can change. I would never have thought to see DS on his own ever and now he is coming for a visit tomorrow.
Your DS may come back to you later. Maybe in DS's time of life with all the challenges life throws at him, he may not have the headspace to think of his own FOO. Your DS may be so secure of your unconditional love that he feels he can just let his DW's FOO take it all. It may not be forever. This is written IMHO only.
Sorry to hear about your pain. It goes deep.

Never let go of your hope and dreams. (remember' incy wincy spider' in the nursery rhyme! He knew best to keep on climbing up the water spout again and again!)
I'm thinking of you and hope that all will be well and you will have a good time together!  :)

Grab Bag / Re: My Chaotic Life Update
« on: April 19, 2012, 10:22:04 PM »
Sorry to hear that Poo. Hot tub will help.Enjoy the calm of the holiday and look after yourself, you are sorely needed here!  :)

Good morning all you wonderful ladies!  Yes, having 3 children is running us ragged, but it well worth it.  I have gotten the 3 year old used to going to daycare/preschool in the am, and he has calmed down some now. (for the most part  ;) anyway). lol  The boys are eating better also, and that makes me happy!  My dear husband has shopped and bought many different kid friendly foods so they will eat.  They like fish!  One adores peanut butter and toast with cereal for breakfast, and he will eat apples for me.  Bed time, and bath time and meal times are getting easier too. I have other news too.  Daughter and her husband were released on a P.R. bond (no money needed at all)!!!  Apparently the "victim" that swore that she was sexually abused they think she lied.  THE EVIDENCE did not show anything the girl said.  So it looks like the charges may be dropped pretty soon.  I am relieved because those were terrible charges hanging over her head.

Your detailed description of the way the kids live now was truly inspiring, you have done such a good job and I can just see them munching away, playing and feeling better already. A credit to you.  ;) So happy about your other good news. You must have gone through hell when all of this happened but you soldiered on and now you have your reward. It must still be difficult, I don't underestimate that, and you will need a break some time but you've done your very best, that must be a great feeling. Thank you for sharing this here.

The stories we hear on this forum show the depth of unhappiness which families can afflict. There are all unique and the candour and commitment with which we attempt to tackle them shows the strength of the human spirit.


Didi that must have been a very tough decision to take. You became the advocate of your GC and must have assessed the situation in the best way possible under the circumstances. Does your DD need counselling for her alcohol abuse? She must be in a dark space now. If she stops drinking, is there hope to get shared custody? That may be a good move for all concerned. Enjoy your GS, he'll get all the attention and love that he needs at the moment and that's wonderful.

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