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Messages - forever spring

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211
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Privacy Issues
« on: January 17, 2011, 11:19:43 PM »
Tara, I agree with you and the prof from MIT. FB is not about in-depth communication or gaining lasting friendships. I think it can be compared to 'old time gossip' over the fence and I take it for that. I can keep in touch with friends all over the world and when I meet up with them again, at least I'm updated on what they've been doing and we can then concentrate on our one-on-one relationship and take it from there. For example one of my friends is pregnant at the moment and through FB I have been able to see how she is coping with it, so when I see her again I wil be able to admire baby, having sort of been able to participate in her pregnancy in virtual space. That's all good. However, as with all technologies there is a down-side. That's what this posting is about and I do recognise this. My FB friends are not close family. Just cousins etc., same generation. I would never want to look at DIL or DS facebook site.
Louise, on a different topic, I think you and your postmaster Kirk are doing a sterling job. This site is so well monitored and organised. I have taken to looking at it frequently now and it has given me the opportunity to think about a lot of things connected to my own behaviour towards DIL and DS. Thanks for taking the time and energy. :) :) :)

212
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Privacy Issues
« on: January 17, 2011, 12:15:56 AM »
Hello Mystory,
you had the chance to read what your DIL thought about you but only at one point in time. As we all know, often things are being said/written in the heat of the moment which we regret later and often apologize for. The general tenor of advice on this posting is to 'let sleeping dogs lie' and I agree with that.
However, I can imagine you thinking about what she wrote, especially in the small hours of the morning. It takes such a long time to purge those things. It's like a wound that takes time to heal.
Avoid reading FB in future? Could that be the answer? Not sure because FB can be fun and a great way of staying in touch also?! And why should these things affect our lives in such a destructive way?
 
Actually I do love DIL  :)  but I do not always like her.  ::) Should I tell her that? URGHHHH!  NO (72 pt)

213
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Lost for Words
« on: January 16, 2011, 12:54:32 AM »
What you are saying hollibery speaks to me. I'm so glad I joined this website because it puts me in a community of women with similar issues. To have a voice from the DIL's perspective is really priceless. I think my DIL would go along with what you are saying. I now think that I should have been the 'wise one' because after all I am the one with life experience behind me - not much good this time, I'm afraid. But the fact that it is not too late is very comforting indeed and I try not to beat myself up over it, as there is still time to change.  :)
I think it is realistic to  expect further conflict because of the tremendous changes that come with adopting new roles etc. It really takes it out of everybody emotionally and unlike a lot of other relationships, 'there is nowhere to hide'. Wow! I hope I can deal with them better now than of late.
But flip the coin to positive: What a tremedous enrichment of life experience, especially when there is a HAPPY ENDING to be hoped for and new lives will bring new joys.

214
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Lost for Words
« on: January 15, 2011, 10:47:19 AM »
Sorry to hear about your situation. It is so easy to make mistakes in this context and when all's been said and done it is nobody's fault really, just this special relationship between MIL and DIL. I have been there and in the beginning I could not understand what was happening, that two totally reasonable nice human beings could get into a situation where everything that is being said needs to be checked -  like treading on egg shells all the time.
I'm taking three weeks out at the moment and can reflect but I'm not sure what will happen when I get back. I have promised myself though, that if the situation continues, I will really back off for a while and hope that things will get better with time and absence.
Fact is, they will always be our families and families on the whole have a great power for healing.
I believe that my situation arose because DIL (who is really nice and kind) was overwhelmed with having a new baby and I didn't manage to bring to her the understanding that she craved. I always thought she should cope better than she did and now on reflection I know that was wrong of me. I should have been more patient.  However I did have a problem which is different from yours in that the baby is the second child and the first child aged 2 1/2 rejected me and I could not be of any help because he only wanted to be with his mum. For me it meant spending a lot of time on the margin, just standing round feeling really helpless or doing housework which I didn't do well because DIL has different standards.
However, I will hang in there and believe in the strenght of the loving relationship we had with son and DIL when things were not so fraught. I'm sure we will make up eventually. Hopefully one day we will be able to have a good laugh at how we behaved, mind you as things are now, that won't be for a while. But when it happens I will be the happiest person alive!
The way you describe your situation, it appears to be similar in strength of loving beackground in the past.
Thinking of you - you are not alone!  :)

215
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Sometime I wonder
« on: January 13, 2011, 12:27:27 AM »
Thanks for your comment, Holliberri.
There is this lovely line in one of Robert Burns' poems: The gifte gie us, to see ourselves as others see us." There can be a huge difference in how we perceive our way of parenting and how the children experience it. As you say, a lot depends on personality and our children are not our own. When they grow up they become people in their own right and that's as it should be. It is really all good. This is me in a positive, optimistic mood - glad of it, long may it last.  :) Hope everybody is having a good day!

216
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Sometime I wonder
« on: January 12, 2011, 10:36:22 AM »
I brought up my children with kindness in an atmosphere that I thought was happy and relaxed. There were of course the usual frustrations when two brothers would fight, towels laying around, teenager woes, nagging about doing the homework etc. etc. - you all know what that's like, but our general mood was positiv.
My eldest DS is now a doting, very kind father and a loving and supportive husband. I think it is because he had a good role model. Imagine my surprise the other day, however, when DH and I were taken to task for not having had enough fights when DS was young, that things were swept under the table etc. etc.  :-[
I am upset but when I look at his behavior with his own children, I'm sure DS had had an off day when he said that and was looking for something to criticise.
I still firmly believe you can't err on the side of kindness.
Kindness and love rule  :)

Sorry about your DIL making such a heartless comment. I also think that there is a change taking place in the English language nd 'to hate' does not have the same impact as before because it is overused.

217
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: breakthrough with MIL?!?!?!
« on: January 12, 2011, 01:51:28 AM »
Hi I love this posting! There seem to be continuing problems with your MIL, but with a good dose of humor they are a lot easier to face. Occasional glass of wine and 'pretending all is good' can be refreshing.
I grew up with the Beatles but am a great fan of Coldplay and many other living bands. Did you know that the ticket lines for the Take That reunion concert in Manchester crashed not long after they were opened. Now there's a problem!
Seriously, I do hope that your relationship with your MIL improves - in the sober state I mean. I never had a MIL because she died shortly after I married my husband, so I don't know what it's like to be on the receiving end. I'm now a MIL and I've never been on a steeper learning curve in my life. I bless my sense of humor and the fact that I have two adorable gc. I am very grateful to my dil that she's done all the hard work. I think, I should show this more to her.
Best wishes

218
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: UGHHHH!!!!!
« on: January 11, 2011, 05:50:41 AM »
So so sorry to hear about your pain. I think I can empathise with it.
I moved  (from a distance of 20,000 miles in NZ to a 10 mins walk distance) to be nearer ds and dil and help with the gc. I made that choice. I was looking forward to a family idyll where I would be the loving grandma, playing with the 3 year old while nursing the little newborn - how wrong can one be? I didn't heed friends' advice to reconsider - in I went into the dragon's den (well not quite that bad, but near). I've never encountered a situation such as this and I can plainly say that most of the time I am not happy. I made many mistakes and whenever I open my mouth in dil and ds presence I put my foot in ... UGHHHHH!!! Would I be more poular if I were  mute?
Still I see this situation as part of the rich fabric of life and for the moment I will hang in there for better or for worse. I know now that I cannot be 'goody two shoes', but I can ask them to respect me and I will respect them in return. My son is now a husband and a father and I have accepted this with gratitude, because he is doing a good job with looking after his family who is the focus of his life. I will be clear about the fact that I want to celebrate our differences from now on rather than see them as a negative. If that does not work, so be it. I will know that I have given it my best shot for the time being. If it doesn't work I will leave and hope that I will still be around and healthy when the grandchildren are ready to come to me on their own accord. Are we all trying too hard - and should we sometimes not follow the good advice and 'let it be?'

219
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Mother of the Groom and all that ...
« on: September 05, 2010, 12:29:18 AM »
I found this poem by Seamus Heaney (Irish poet) which in my view is the best summary of how mothers feel when the son leaves their life to forge his own life.

    Mother of the Groom by Seamus Heaney

    What she remembers
    Is his glistening back
    In the bath, his small boots
    In the ring of boots at her feet.

    Hands in her voided lap,
    She hears a daugheter welcomed.
    It’s as if he kicked when lifted
    And slipped her soapy hold.

    Once soap would ease off
    The wedding ring
    That’s bedded forever now
    In her clapping hand.

I start this as a new topic because it may allow some of us to address our feelings of being 'made redundant' on so many fronts. These feelings may contribute to problems we have in our everyday communication with DIL. I am now trying to interpret my feelings towards my DIL and the ensuing problems from this root cause. Intellectualy I am willing to let go but after four years of their marriage I have not been able to do so from the bottom of my heart. It still hurts in a place deep deep down. It has taken me a while to acknowledge this because I feel mean and small minded thinking like that. It does not square with the outlook I have on life but it is nevertheless real and I feel I need to address this to gain equilibrium of mind and start a better relationship with the ever growing family who I love dearly.
Does anybody out there feel like this too? Or am I really a possessive mother who can't let go?

220
 :) QUote from Miss Priss (sorry don't know how to use the proper quoting format, so cut and paste here):

" I think the biggest struggle betwen MILs and DILs is learning how to love the same man in different ways, accepting different roles in his life, and not overstepping the boundaries of the others' roles.  I've seen so many MILs write on here and I've gathered that its just as hard for the MIL to accept that her son loves another woman just as much as he does his mother, as it is for the DIL to accept that the MIL should have a steady SUPPORTIVE (not controlling) role in his life as well.  I also think we're all "battier" than what we're willing to share about ourselves with complete strangers."     

This is the hardest thing to do as a mother of sons and nobody prepares you for this. I have learned that it takes time, a lot of patience and continuous awareness to not let the 'gut feeling' get the better of me. I try and approach everything I do in my life with dignity and grace, but when it comes to dealing with the feeling of not being the 'next of kin' to my son any more it becomes difficult. This is in my view where a lot or problems arise because these things cannot be expressed, they are latent. I do not think I am an possessive or jealous person but deep down inside there is something that gnaws at me and only a lot of patience and the passing of time will heal this. I try to compensate by being very friendly and supportive to DIL but that may come over as not being genuine. So far I can see the grandchildren but I always feel that I am being assessed for my performance.
A keen sense of humour is the best thing that has been given to us humans considering the condition we find ourselves in. Laughing in the face of adversity - now that's a gift.

None but ourselves can free our minds  - indeed!  ;D
   

221
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Felt Really Bad tonight
« on: September 03, 2010, 11:20:21 PM »
Hi, I also love this dialogue and the positive effect it is having. I've never been a blog person and sheer frustration with my situation made me join. I really appreciate that I can be part of this now. Thank you. All the best to you Miss Understood. I think creativity if the key to dealing with all problems. If we have a space where we can be creative we can unwind. I am finding it difficult at times to engage with this space when I feel sorry for myself, but at the same time I know that this is the whole space where things can be resolved. That's why I love playing with the little ones!
Greetings to you all from a very happy newie!

222
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Felt Really Bad tonight
« on: September 02, 2010, 11:20:43 PM »
During the good days it must be wonderful to live in a small town, that fuzzy feeling of belonging, but there is a price.
I agree with Louise (by the way, I admire what you're doing, Louise, keeping this blog and responding in wise ways!) that there are situations where you can only help yourself. The process of getting to terms with what seems a bad situation, however, takes time and there is unfortunately no given time frame. It will just take as long as it must! Not very comforting words,
I know but once you've crossed this bridge, you will look back a much stronger person.
Thinking of you and sending wishes that all will be well in the not too distant future.

223
I am really sorry to hear this. Grandchildren have a right to see their grandparents but unfortunately they cannot voice it themselves. Have the lines of communications totally broken down or is there a glimmer of hope to undo this situation?
The daughter of a friend of mine cut all ties with her original family and for 18 years my friends did not see their grandchild. Now 18 years later the grandchild has made contact with his grandparents. Both parties are sorry about time lost but celebrate the fact that they can now begin a meaningful relationship with each other. It is never too late!
I hope you will be able to claim the right to visit your grandchildren.

224
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL job description
« on: August 26, 2010, 11:17:35 PM »
Thanks to everybody for taking the time to engage with my woes and give advice.  :)
The good one was from the DIL to show the other side. I think I know that is exactly the way my DIL feels,  especially now that I'm living close by. But my own emotions often get the better of me - and then I'm lost. It is such a new experience and every second is different. That's what I meant with wanting a job description!
I am not living in their house, though. I have got my own house about 10 mins walk from them and I've got lots of friends and my own interests and life.
And yes you are right with the dishwasher example. I have learned in the past months that no help is often better than the wrong kind of help which I seem to provide on a permanent basis.
I am positive, however, that things will work out because we have started talking at an early stage. Setting and following boundaries is now something we need to do. We are both intelligent and kind beings - so as time goes by we will find a way. I will keep you posted and thanks again.

225
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / MIL job description
« on: August 26, 2010, 10:15:32 AM »
 :) Hi there, I am a new member, joined only today.
Upto a few months ago I was an absentee MIL as I lived in a different country to my son and DIL. Now I have moved closer to them to help with the toddler and the 3 months old baby. I got on well with my DIL when I was far away, but the close proximity has brought about some problems which I wish I didn't have. I'm not good with conflict and like to have everything harmonious. Now things have changed quite amazingly. I thought I would help and with a lot of good will everything would be fine. Now I have to find out that I cannot be a help in the house because I do not do things the right way. I cannot look after the toddler, because he only wants his mum. I seem to be doing the wrong things all the time. I get reprimanded from my son for saying the wrong things and that hurts.
My DIL and I are perfectly reasonable people with a good deal of human warmth and understanding for other people.  I do like her a lot and appreciate what she is doing. But I do feel such a stranger in her house. She is very close to her own parents who help her a lot. This is okay with me.
I did have a responsible job before I retired to become a full time grandmother, but now I seem to be failing on all counts.
I am quite spontaneous and often do my own thing without telling the son or DIL. My husband is still working abroad so I try to see as much as possible of him too. Maybe that is the crux of the matter. I have my own life and son and DIL expect me to be at their beck and call. I need a job description for the new job I'm embarking on.
Any help from the community? I don't think I'm an awful MIL but not sure anymore and after all 'it takes two to tango.' I love my grandkids and would like to play an active role in their lives. Maybe DIL is stressed with the new baby and when things have settled down our relationship will be better. Here is hoping.  :)

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