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I'm putting this in because I think one of the good things about this site is the fact that we can learn from each other's mistakes and try to avoid them.
My mistake seems to have been that by moving near my DIL, DS and GKs, I 'put all my eggs in the one basket' and by doing so I have often behaved like a 'bull in a china shop'. I underestimated my strength to put myself second and it wasn't clear in my mind that I was entering a space where a lot of things were done very differently to the way I do them. (Even though I had prior warning signs which I ignored!) I did this with the best intentions.
My advice to everybody who wants to go down this road:
THINK VERY CAREFULLY AND WEIGH UP THE PROs AND CONs AS MUCH AS IT IS POSSIBLE AND DON'T LET YOUR EMOTIONS GUIDE YOU ENTIRELY.
Here is what I did: I wanted to put the family first and myself second and offered help whenever needed. I've been with them for almost a year and still don't feel appreciated. For example when I do make a mistake by not telling them about a prior engagement, I'm blamed for 'letting them down'.This is how they feel and I must respect this, but in reality I'm at their beck and call for five days a week. Also my DS often tells me off for not doing things the way his wife wants me to. It is a really weird state of affairs and I had never experienced this is my life before (I'm 61 now and thought I'd seen it all!)

I have come to the conclusion that I have to go away and leave them to it for the time being and wait for things to settle.
I'm leaving with a heavy heart as I love the GC so much and I'm part of their lives now. I think under the circumstances it is better for all concerned to put myself out of the equation.

I wanted to share this with you in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Our family life to date was good

Thanks for your replies. I now think it's the best to go away and cocentrate on myself and DH (who is indeed a great guy).
A year ago, DS called me to help and I rallied round. I don't think any of us thought how the reality would pan out. Now we know. I did give it a go and I'm grateful that I could, but the time has come now when I realise that I'm facing failure. Hard thing to come to terms with but there we are. A new experience in the rich fabric of life.  One I could have done without but I suppose that is the nature of 'life experiences'.
Thanks again for your replies, much appreciated.

but somehow it has changed for the worse because of my decision to be with them. Strange but true. Hope it can be mended.

Greetings to all wise women out there!
(No worries I'm still smiling and seeing the funny side of things )

Quote from: chelmsford36 on August 26, 2010, 10:15:32 AM
Hi there, I am a new member, joined only today.
Upto a few months ago I was an absentee MIL as I lived in a different country to my son and DIL. Now I have moved closer to them to help with the toddler and the 3 months old baby. I got on well with my DIL when I was far away, but the close proximity has brought about some problems which I wish I didn't have. I'm not good with conflict and like to have everything harmonious. Now things have changed quite amazingly. I thought I would help and with a lot of good will everything would be fine. Now I have to find out that I cannot be a help in the house because I do not do things the right way. I cannot look after the toddler, because he only wants his mum. I seem to be doing the wrong things all the time. I get reprimanded from my son for saying the wrong things and that hurts.
My DIL and I are perfectly reasonable people with a good deal of human warmth and understanding for other people.  I do like her a lot and appreciate what she is doing. But I do feel such a stranger in her house. She is very close to her own parents who help her a lot. This is okay with me.
I did have a responsible job before I retired to become a full time grandmother, but now I seem to be failing on all counts.
I am quite spontaneous and often do my own thing without telling the son or DIL. My husband is still working abroad so I try to see as much as possible of him too. Maybe that is the crux of the matter. I have my own life and son and DIL expect me to be at their beck and call. I need a job description for the new job I'm embarking on.
Any help from the community? I don't think I'm an awful MIL but not sure anymore and after all 'it takes two to tango.' I love my grandkids and would like to play an active role in their lives. Maybe DIL is stressed with the new baby and when things have settled down our relationship will be better. Here is hoping. 

I posted this in September last year. It is April now and though in the meantime things seemed to get better, I cannot see a definite improvement in my relationship with DIL. We don't seem to be speaking the same language and I don't blame this on anybody.
I wanted to put the family first and myself second and offered help whenever needed. I don't feel this is appreciated though and when I do make a mistake by not telling them about a prior engagement, I'm blamed for 'letting them down' - AGAIN! This is how they feel and I must respect this but in reality I'm there about five days a week. Also my DS often tells me off for not doing things the way his wife wants me to. It is a really weird state of affairs and I had never experienced this is my life before (I'm 61 now and thought I'd seen it all!) 
Now my dilemma is whether I should leave this situation and go to live again permanently again with my DH who works in a different country or if I should give it another chance and stay one more year. With regard to the money situation, I'm spending a lot of money by living near the family as I'm renting and running a single household with all the expenses just for myself. If I went back to live with DH all this money could be saved and I sometimes think it could be better spent, maybe on paying the family this money as an allowance.
I would leave with a heavy heart as I love the GC so much and I'm part of their lives now. But maybe it is sometimes better for all concerned to put myself out of the equation - maybe if only for a while.
DH will retire next year and then we could reassess the situation and move nearer them as a couple.
Suggestions from you Wise Women greatly appreciated.
(No worries I'm still smiling and seeing the funny side of things )

Joanna Trollope, the British novelist has written a new book called Daughters-in-law. I haven't read it but I suppose it's fun. Art imitates life.

thanks for the link. He sure is funny!

  Absolutely amazing the kind of support happening in virtual space!
Hip hip hurray! 
Keep the dialogue going, it's so wonderful!
AND IT DOES HELP!

Good wishes to you LL and your relationship with DIL may flourish.

Hi Maniac and Holliberri, your contributions are so useful to me because I'm a MIL and for the first time in my life I have relationship problems which leave me feeling quite helpless.
Sometimes I think I have spent my life in 'cloud cuckoo land' and everybody around me did what I wanted them to do but wasn't that happy. Not sure any more. Maybe there was some denial in my life which I now have to face. But again not sure.
I do have a lot of friends and people on the whole seem to like me. (I don't come from a large family so no living relatives any more) Only with DS and DIL I do make a lot of mistakes and I'm really not myself. I wonder on the strength of what you are saying, maybe I need to think carefully about everything I do, constantly. Unlike all my other relationships this one lacks spontaneity. I'm always on my guard.
Having said that, there is a good side to the whole thing. I am allowed to see the GK's and the time spent with them is great.
I would love for my relationship with DS and DIL to be more relaxed. I think we give them space, don't appear on doorstep, leave them to chose their own way of bringing up their kids, most of the time invisible tape on mouths also. Not sure what more I can do. I do know that it is no body's fault but it is nevertheless painful. I think I did make one mistake early on in that I said that maybe DS chose domesticity because we didn't care too much about him and left him to make his own choices when he turned 20. I thought he might have needed more parental support at that time. However, he assured us that we did the right thing. This may have translated wrongly to DIL who may think I'm don't agree with their marriage which is completely wrong. I do think he has chosen well and I do like my DIL and we DH and me THINK we make her feel that, but obviously not otherwise we wouldn't have these issues. I can only hope for time being a healer.

Smooth recovery from your stroke, MU. So sorry to hear this.
There are often two ways of dealing with a situation; one is to wail   :'(and one is to laugh  .
I'm so glad to decided on the latter. God's gift to mankind - humour!
My thoughts are with you.





'Hell is other people.'
Jean Paul Sartre

LL,
What a lovely idea to make a collage. Can I copy this?
Your love and commitment MUST come into its own one day. I sometimes think some aliens (just kidding) have taken our DS away but only for a while, they'll be returned to us one day. We must not give up hope that all will be well in the future. It is sad that GC grow up so quickly, they are so funny and original when they are small - and to miss all of that just because of an uncooperative (euphemism for evil) DIL is so so bad! It does reflect badly on her mothering skilsl though when she uses her children as pawns.
This theme is ancient. I'm reminded of the judgment of Solomon where 2 women claim to be the mother of a child. Solomon decrees that the child should be put into a circle and the woman who pulls the child out of the circle is the right mother. In the beginning both women pull the child. Very soon after, however, one of the women lets go of the child because she realises that she is hurting her own child. She rather not have it then hurt it. Solomon in his wisdom of course indentifies her as the real mum! Much wisdom in that! Even if DIl does not like you and that does happen - we are different personalities and we have to accept that, but to use her children as pawns is strictly speaking heartless!
My thought are with you, especially when I do my collage. No frills because I have 2 GS, but something appropriate for them too. (Footballs?)

Hope you find your brushes soon!
Yes, you are right, we wouldn't have the many great painting by van Gogh for example, if he had had a sunny frame of mind or outlook on life, but just think about the wonderful 'suns' and 'sunflowers' he gave us, so we can cheer up! 
If you could share your interest with DIL the situation would be a lot better. I am in the situation that I cannot share my interests (and as you probably gathered I do love art) with DIL, that's a shame because it would make our relationship so much easier going and enjoyable. Maybe I should try and engage with her interests more?
Best wishes


see:  http://www.abcgallery.com/V/vangogh/vangogh21.html

LL, art is a great healer. I'm so happy for you that in this present awful situation you have creative interests to occupy your mind and being to help you get over the hurt. It will come right in the end. It has to.
I am always very impressed by those people who have dealt with and indeed overcome deep personal pain through engaging in some creative pursuit. I take a leaf out of their book and it has made my life better.
Thinking of you.



'Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be,
> since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.' 
>                                     —Thomas a Kempis  c.1420[/font]

FooFoo, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. The sad thing is that this kind of racism is still very much part of our life in general and for you to have it happen in the immediate family is especially sad. I'm sure you want your DH to have a good relationship with his family and you would like, ideally, for the GP to play a part in the upbringing of your GC. This is ideal case scenario. Your IL do not allow this to happen because of their bigotted behaviour. That is entirely their problem. You cannot solve it. I don't think they are entitled to you thinking about them even for one minute of the day. You need to block them from your thoughts entirely. I know this is not possible, but at least worth a try. They don't like you, and as I see it, it's just because of the colour of your skin. How petty and narrow minded is that? Do they not have the wellbeing of their DS at heart? Why put him through this kind of stress when they must know that he is happy with you. WHY can't they share his pride in his own children, their GC , who are part of them anyway? I do feel for you and your DH. What an exciting mix of culture your children would be able to participate in if only they allowed them to! How loving and good it could all be!
I have a friend whose FOO is Muslim. She married a non-Muslim and her family disowned her. SHe has two D who are grown up now and this family has never seen their GDs. My friend is deeply affected by it. Her marriage is good but she loves her family dearly. Now how cruel is that???
Don't they know that deep down inside we are all humans, we are all equal? Why can't we be colourblind?
I believe in your situation at the moment you just need to let it be - for the time being anyway -, sit back and just hope that they will come round in time and see the error of their ways and realise that they are missing out on a lot - and for what? A principle that is totally obsolete, especially in a multicultural society such as the US.
My thoughts are with you and I hope we will hear some good news soon. Small steps maybe?

Thank you so much for your replies. It seems to me that I too should count my blessings more, because to date I can see the GKs. That's been really good advice. And the quote by Plato was most useful. If they perceive their situation to be hard, it is hard. Period.
When I appear on their doorstep, I have had a good night's sleep which can't be said about them.
I only thought that it would make them feel better to focus on the good things they have in life right now. Clearly they are just not able to do it at this point in time.
What I get from some of your replies is that I should try and be more patient with their situation at the moment. I believe in the strength of my DS and DIL and that they will snap out of it, when things have got into some kind of routine.

Thanks also for the encouraging words, I still feel like an ogre, but maybe now more like Shrek! 

For myself your response has helped me to see myself more in relation to them and for the time being acknowledge their woes in the hope that in the fullness of time they will be able to sit back and from the bottom of their hearts (without M/MIL telling them) to 'count their blessings'.
Thanks WWU community!
Chelms

In my view my DS and DIL have a good life, job, house, healthy children (one baby), lots of help from FOO and me. There is always a babysitter around. However, they are not very happy, always tired, always complaining. 'Nightmare' is the favorite word. I have made a grave mistake by suggesting that they look at their lives and count their blessings. Even told them about a friend whose 3 year old twins are mentally disabled. I just thought that would get their sympathy. Instead, I am made to feel that I have said the wrong thing and that I lack in sympathy for their situation. That's actually true. I can't feel sorry for their situation because they have so much help in all ways. I don't know what to do! Obviously if they percieve their lives to be a nightmare at the moment (granted they don't get much sleep, but both GP often look after the babies during the night and in my view they do have a lot of outtime). DS workes very hard and unsociable hours so that DIL is on her own 3 evenings a week but during that time there is always one set of GP to help.
I know about the invisible tape over my mouth, but it is so difficult in this situation. I can't understand that they do not get strength in their current situation by 'counting their blessings'.
Maybe I'm not the best person to tell them, I know but it is all so alien to me. Am I envious because I never had any help whatsoever?
I also think that looking at their situation and seeing how good they have it, would make them feel happier in themselves. DIL's out there. AM I an ogre? 

Creme: "and I don't think it's a matter of being tough, what it's all about is forgivness on both your parts and then moving on, letting the past die, and going forward together into the future, understanding each other...the past is gone...it's over, can't fix it or change it, all we can do is move forward, trying to understand how we can make it better.."


[/quote]

I think that is so true and so difficult to do. It just takes time. In this day and age with instant gratification and the busy lifestyle we lead we probably underestimate the fact that the time factor is not measurable. Things do not get fixed in a short time, we need to allocate the time it takes and that is unpredictable. It may be tomorrow, it may be way down the line. But the past is definitely gone and the things we said have been said. They can fester and make our future life a misery or they can be forgiven and forgotten and we can move on. I realise that this is a lot easier said than done and it needs a lot of work and commitment, but it is possible.
I'm not sure whether counselling will always help. Of course it can be a support but when all's been said and done the commitment to move on has to come from within - and most of us, in the fullness of time can achieve this. (Not sure whether I'm speaking out of turn here, but I do feel that in our culture we are seeking professional help far too early.)

To LL and all the other women contributing to this site, I thank you for your openness. It's great to know that I'm not alone in this very unusual situation. I think I'm a good wife and friend but I'm not so sure about being a good MIL.