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Helloooo! Just a thought ...
There are awful catastrophes in the world happening as we speak. People are suffering!   
Is it really worth making ones life so miserable about such insignificant things. Maybe MIL should consider this.

When things got rough and unbearable my lovely wise aunt who died aged 94 always said. 'Now it's the time to be quiet'. She was so right. Sometimes it's better NOT to do something.
As long as we hang in there, our GK may come to us when they are bigger and able to make decisions for themselves. This is the hope that I cling to in sad times.
I often felt when I was round my DIL that my 3 year old GS got the impression that I was just a home help or some kind of ancilliary rather than a special person. In situations such as those I thought it's better not to be there.
Hang in there, vent here and enjoy the company of people who have been there and can understand.
Much love and hugs!

Thanks for your replies everybody.
I just had a great weekend away from it all, visited younger DS and girlfriend and my cousins. Took time off and feel GREAT. If this is selfish, so be it. Haven't felt that good in a long while. The doormat is finally flying away like one of those magic carpets in 1001 nights. 

This is an interesting discussion. Reading through past threads I get the impression that many women DIL and MIL alike say that they've never been in a situation such as the one facing them as soon as they have to adopt this role.
I certainly never saw myself as a MIL. I wanted to be a friend to the wife of my son. I respect her - still do - and have said that many times.
Result of this is that I must have given the wrong message right from the start. I thought I could just 'swan' in, be myself and carry on as usual. I never really reflected on the background of my DIL and how different our views on certain things were until I was living closer. I came accross so may things that I found irritable but did the 'invisible tape' thing for a while.
Our backgrounds are so different that now is has come to a near breakdown in communication and much pain throughout the family has ensued. I'm being perceived as being unreliable, a character trait I can't associate with.
I thought it would be enough to respect other people's point of view and celebrate difference. However, just like dancing the tango, it takes two to make it work.
I've never been a DIL as my lovely MIL died soon after we got married. So if I'm an awful MIL it's not because I had practice beforehand.
Force of circumstance has made me a very inadequate MIL which is one of the worst things that has happened to me in my entire life. I know I will snap out of it but it will take time.

A few weeks ago I posted on this site. I said I was leaving my DIL, DS and GK to be with my husband who is working in a different country until the end of next year.
Since I revealed my intentions to everybody, I feel like the villain of the piece. The only good relationship I seem to have now is with my DS. When we are on our own we talk normally and I feel relaxed. I can play with the GC and it's great fun.
I feel really guilty in my relationship with the other grandparents because now they have to do an awful lot more and are beginning to feel resentful about that. But in return they have a good relationship with their DD and GC.
I feel I have abandoned everybody. Only, when I was still there and available full time, it didn't work either. I have not spoken to my DIL for some time now and quite frankly I don't know how this is going to be mended with time.
I'm so concerned about my DS, he is working so hard to keep everything together and he is often tired. I do hope that my leaving does not lead to a split in DS and MIL relationship. I feel thoroughly helpless and deep down inside guilty. They have 2 small children, a good house, income, help from many sides, the opportunity to take time out occasionally - I really can't see why they are not coping. I think that is at the bottom of everything. I just don't emphasise enough but I don't want to feel sorry for them, that's not a good emotion. It will not change anything.
Also I will still be around until the end of August and we could have a real fun meaningful summer with DH, DS, MIL, FOO and GK.
Thanks for your ear, everybody. I've never been the villain of the piece before and it's not a part that suits me well.

I lived in New Zealand for a while. They have a custom called 'bring a plate', (it's like pot luck really). It makes for stressfree, laid-back dining with lots of varied delicious food stuff. what's not to like about that?
Jamie Oliver does great casseroles to be made beforehand. Check the website. That's the secret, be prepared and have the things ready before they arrive.
I look forward to hearing what you have to say after the event. Meanwhile good luck and for the next event, try and make them like the 'bring a plate' idea! It's what the Kiwis do and they live in the lifestyle capital of the world. It could catch on where you are.

I did do that one nice and neat hurray

Quote from: luise.volta on April 11, 2011, 04:41:30 PM
I am saying something you may not be ready to hear. We can document lies, abuse and unfairness but we can't change it. We can sink under the weight of the reality of it...or we can rescue ousrselves from it.

I don't seem to do the quotes nice and neat, I think.

I wanted to say that what you are saying is so true, Luise. We have the choice not to sink and be downtrodden! This is not an easy way out of a problem but at least we try and deal with it with our dignity intact. Nobody says this is easy - but in my view it's the only way to overcome.
I'm thinking of Nelson Mandela in this respect. Had he hated his captors, he could not have come out of that prison after 28 years and done the things he did after his release. The understanding he could muster for the people who behaved badly towards him made him strong.

I agree with Sheen and Holliberri, I have been guilty myself of reading too much into changes that were being made, and by doing that I made the situation a lot worse than it actually was. Hope I can change myself in that respect. 
Holliberri, I do like your 'voice' here on this site. You have a special way of looking at things from more than one perspective. It is evident in all your posts. You are right, things do have a tendency to change and we should not read too much into changes even if they don't suit us.
It seems to me that the Easter situation in has been resolved by a lot of goodwill from the side of the DIL - good on you! A lot of family occasions are so fraught, wouldn't it be much better if we just got together in an impromtu fashion at any time and just celebrate ourselves being together with a bottle of wine, a small meal and lots of fun. 

Nana, I'm deeply saddened by your plight. It must be so bad to sit back when things that are happening to the person that is nearest to your heart gets hurt. It is said that women return to an abusive relationship about seven times before they can free themselves from it. I do hope that your daughter gets to this point, but as Luise mentioned, she has to do this out of her free will. There are many people accross the miles who are thinking of you and wish that things will be resolved. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) from me too.
Pity that we have to endure pain when we thought we had done a good job bringing up the kids and prime them for life in the outside word.

Laurie, I hope you understood what I was trying to say in my post. I only wanted to stress how important it is to stay modest whatever letters one has behind your name - and I also agree that ultimately they don't make one a better person. If I should have said the wrong thing - unwittingly - then I'm sorry. I just feel so strongly about people who think they are better because they have a university degree.

Meanwhile best wishes from me to all of you, WW.

There are many women on this site with no college degree, and I hold them in higher esteem than I do some of the Ivy League grads I know. Education isn't everything, and it isn't always necessary.
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Holliberri, I do agree with you completely. It is vital to be humble and hold everybody in high esteem whatever their level of education. We can learn so much from each other. If I had my time over again I think I would have another baby rather than the doctorate that took such a lot of energy to finish. I now consider it to be just a piece of useless paper in the big scheme of things. The knowledge I acquired then, didn't help me when dealing with current family issues.
I think it is bad for academics to take themselves too seriously and loose contact with the real world as many of them do. This is unfortunate because it gives the profession a bad name and alienates it from the general public. IMO all science is 'soft' science because what's right today can be proved wrong tomorrow. The world is not flat, but people died for this belief way back!
Good on you to do all this studying. Education does contribute to gaining more insights into mechanisms of living but it should be undertaken in a modest frame of mind.
Though this is not directly related to MIL, DIL issues addressed on this site, I think it is relevant because we get an idea of different mindsets. All good too!
Well anyway I have some idea what the Stockholm Syndrome is and how the name came about. Arghhh, I got the info from Wikipedia - shame 

Just had a look on Wikipedia for Stockholm Syndrome, amazing phenomenon but I know that I displayed some of these behavior patterns myself - mind you in a very weak form but nevertheless. The urge to please regardless of how I was treated falls into this category I think.
We live and learn.

Never heard of the Stockholm Syndrome, why Stockholm because the winter is so long there?

The post by Happy was truly heartbreaking. I do feel for you.  hope that you can walk away from this damaging situation and realise that you have done your utmost for your son. It must be galling to think that you have primed him to be able to have a relationship with someone so hostile against you. We have to accept our fate, however cruel it seems to be. We must have hope in the future and pray that our Grandchildren will discover us and then we will be victorious!

(While FB can be a good happy meeting place, it also has its downside because we get to know what people say about ourselves that in the past we did not. I chose my friends carefully and would never have a member of my immediate family.)

I do agree with Louise, that it is important to for us keep our dignity intact even in the face of failure, and that is entirely up to each of us individually. The problem is while we perceive ourselves as acting dignified; other people take this as an opportunity 'to walk right over us'.

Each day I write down one thing which has been particularly joyful. It can be small, it may be totally earth-shaking. When I'm down, I read about all the things that have been happening to me which were good and I'm grateful for them. 

   Thank you so much everybody for your response. My duty as Mother, MIL and Grandma is not over but it will be from a different space from now on.

I must add that I moved near them because of the express wish from DS, but he didn't know how things would pan out either, so no blame there. Just to say, I would not have done this without them wanting me to.

I do appreciate your encouraging words. Thanks again. You show real understanding of the situation.

DH will be happy to have me back full-time.