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Pen, I don't know much of what it is like for other people/families, but in mine and friends the usual is that the spouse plans the party for the birthday person.  My parents set up the plans and invite us kids, we bring the gifts we want to give.  The same with the adult married children, the spouse invites everyone and sets up the plan, everyone else just brings a gift.  It wouldn't go down well if I tried to plan my fathers birthday party, my stepmom does all that and takes care of the details.  It's just that way in my family and from what I've experienced with friends too, the spouse always does it.  And generally, the birthday person picks the restaurant and the spouse takes care of the rest. 

So, I don't know how your DS feels, but I would feel a little awkward picking out the restaurant for my father on his birthday.  I mean, I would do it if he asked, of course and would not say anything mean. 

Just wanted to give you maybe some kind of insight into why your DS reacted that way.  I don't know how DILs family is and maybe he is getting used to their way and not the way he grew up with? 

Good idea, Doe.  A house clean always makes me feel better.  I can't stand stuff piling up that I don't use.

Still Trying, I can really identify with you on this.  Scoop gave some really excellent advice on detaching.  It's what I did, and sometimes I slip but on the whole...it's a lot better. 

I too can relate to the picture thing and over-sharing.  I do not understand passing on information to other relatives that MIL does, if I/DH wanted them to know...well, DH or I would tell them ourselves.  To me, it's an underlying symptom of my MILs need to control her adult childrens relationships. 

Oh Pen, Big Hugs.  That had to hurt.  I'm so sorry.  I can't believe he said that.

No, I wouldn't say anything at all.  Unless you have a good relationship with them where you can say casually "hey, did you see the reviews for x?"  But if not, then no. 

It's getting to that time of year of gifts at holidays.  To take some of the stress away, I've been buying/shopping now.  (There are also a ton of birthdays surrounding the holidays too!)

And now I'm running out of ideas for people, so I thought we could start a thread for the holidays and cool gift ideas we've found.  I know last year we talked about how hard it is to buy for some people.

Anyway, my favorite I've found so far is a beer holster for my brother.  It looks like a pistol holster but it will hold a beer instead, he likes to play darts and pool, now he won't have to put down his beer!  LOL

What about you guys?  Any gifts you've given or received that you really liked?  All ideas welcome!

Nice one, Kate. 

My mantra is that I'm a duck lol.  From that saying "like water off a ducks back."  Insult me, send me nasty email/text...I'm not going to respond, I will just let it roll off my back...because I'm a duck

Big Hugs, Pooh.  This sounds incredibly hard.  I really think you should tell your mother exactly what you said here.  Maybe she can invite them the day after TDay, or have you and DH over the day after TDay. 

Quote from: Pen on September 27, 2012, 10:14:50 AM

Quote from: Lillycache on September 27, 2012, 04:38:16 AM
No... I think that for the most part, the young do not particularly want to spend time with the old.  They find us boring, stuffy, holding on to silly outdated stupid ideas and nothing we have to say or add is really worth much consideration.   Remember being young?  Remember how it felt when our parents or grandparents made statements or had ideas we found to be "old fashioned".   We listened politely but it went in one ear and out the other.  We perhaps rolled our eyes behind their backs?  I admit to being a young know it  all.  I've learned however, in retrospect that my parents and grandparents were not as dumb as I thought them to be.  AND now that I am on the receiving end, it's not a nice place to be.  Karma bites.... and it will for them someday.

Luise, I agree that it depends on the personality of the young person.

I agree, but I also think that it depends on the personalities of all involved, regardless of age.  Most people are drawn to pleasant experiences, but what one person finds pleasant another may not. Doesn't make anyone right or wrong, to me, it comes down to compatibility more than anything else.  JMHO

Smiles, why don't you ask DS?  I think it's better to get an answer (even if it's one you don't like) then have to go over this again and again.  It seems to really bother you.

And I do know what you're saying, I go through this with DHs FOO.  Their comfort levels and preferred activities are so vastly different than mine.  I spent a long time going along with everything they wanted, simultaneously being resentful and feeling forced to do everything their way and ignore my own preferences.  Until I realized that actually, I really dont have to do any of that.  It is/was very freeing. 

Yes, there is some backlash (well, in my case a whole lot.)  But at the end of the day I decide what I will/won't do.  They decide for themselves.  If they want to watch Disney movies all day for family time, and I know I will likely stick a fork in my eye if I had to do that, I do have the right to decline.  They think going to the casino or racetrack is immoral, I can't make them go.  If they do go, then whatever upset they have is with them and their own choice to go.  I can't make them do anything, they can't make me do anything.

But we could find a common ground.  I think my situation is too far gone for that, but it sounds like you have some good stuff that is still there.  Maybe spending time together during the day is the best it's going to get.  Will you be ok with that? 

Welcome rabbit22  

Please read the highlighted items in the category Open Me First.  We ask all new members to do so in order to get a feel for WWU and how we came about.  I'm glad you found us, I think you will get a lot of support here.

I agree with tryingmybest, withdrawing from the gift situations with him would be the way I would go.  My DH has some similiarities as your DS, he sees a big to do about nothing concerning gifts.  It has been hard on him to not only keep up with gifts for birthdays/holidays etc, and then on the other hand he doesn't care too much about anything he receives.  I often think the only thing he would really get excited about is a trip to the moon lol.  Anyway, it's also hard on him because his Mother is very big on gifts and watches his reactions about gifts very intensely.  She and he are just on very, very different pages.

DH also doesn't have much in common with his siblings and his parents have tried to force him (as an adult) to socialize with them more.  If anything, it has backfired. 

Welcome Marshy

Sorry, I'm not too clear on one thing - did your son move out at 14 and never came back? 

Hey Monroe, no need for sorry's.  That's what I'm here for   It gives both threads the space they deserve, no worries.

Hi gals, I moved some posts over into their own thread to give everyone a chance to comment without derailing the previous thread.  Thanks!

I am so sorry about your mother, PoppyMillie.  Big Hugs.

What does your fiance say about all this?

For what it's worth, I would not be able to be around your MIL at all.