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To me, the idea of being negatively pre-judged is a very difficult thing to deal with. For others to make up their minds that you are some kind of an evil-stereotype before you're even introduced is the worst kind of abuse.

It happened to me when I married twenty years ago. My step son and step DIL did that. I was, (because I was 16 years younger), obviously a gold digger. I have no idea how they got that going since my husband had very little....but they started right out rude, cold and rejecting. My sons and their wives, in comparison, took the time to get acquainted and treated my husband with the warmth and respect he deserved. A huge contrast.

That made a lot of sense! It takes a very secure and mature person to be able to pull it off...but/and...you and your FH sound like you have those qualities.

Here's another way to look at it. Being a "terrible-two", she will probably come whether invited or not. Certainly not having an engraved invitation won't work...who's going to be the bouncer? And there is no possible way to predict what she will do or not do at the wedding. She isn't logical and doesn't respond to logic. So...all the brainstorming won't help.

You are going to pass on Hawaii. She is going to attend. It will turn out however it does.

What you do have a great deal of control over is how you handle it/her. Non-involved is perfect. Also, respectful...compassionate...full of dignity and patience. You can do that. 

This is Chicken Little speaking...I admit it. When I get into a no win, "darned if I do and darned if I don't" place...I don't choose...I pick another venue.

I suppose everyone is going to come down on me for this, but I wouldn't have a conventional wedding. I'd take the money it costs, ask my best friends to stand up for us and pay for them to go to someplace like Hawaii with us for a lovely wedding we could always remember with great joy. I'd have a video made and give copies to the family on both sides knowing that those who truly loved me would only want for me what I wanted for myself (a drama-free, hate-free, neurosis-free wedding) and that those who took exception always do. I'd have it be the wedding of my dreams and know that witnesses doing make a union...the heart does.

Being drawn to the boards that trash MILs "like a moth," Beloved Prissy, keeps you raw and bleeding. Why would you do that? It's an abusive place and you go there voluntarily? 

If there was a physical place that tortured people...would you go there to get beaten up? Would you be attracted to a sign at the entrance that said, "Come one - come all! We will hurt your feelings, smash your pride, kill your love so freely given and destroy your self-confidence. Come on in and join us. We guarantee we will trash you and reduce you to rubble!"

Can anyone help me with this? What's the drawing card and how can something so terrible as a website that blasts MILs, draw anyone "like a moth?" Where's the appeal?

I want, we want peace and joy for you, Prissy and for everyone who knows your pain.

When my eldest son was still alive and I was struggling with his anger and rejection and his wife's delight in making it worse, the hardest thing for me was accepting that there was nothing I could do.

Now, as I read the lists of everything that all of you have tried, I am reminded again of the hopelessness I felt. Mothers are doers. Raising a family is an active thing. We problem solved...we sought and brought about resolution. It was part of our "job description." Then someone we welcomed into our extended family with open arms tells us in words or deeds that we are no longer of any use. To the contrary, we've been labeled as evil and fired. It's take-away time.

Helplessness is what nearly killed me. Finding there was no way to defend myself, or right the situation, or move on with the family in tact. Hopelessness followed and I honestly thought I would never get to acceptance, much less any sense of wholeness again. I have. I've learned that the choices of others are their right, no matter what the outcome may be for me...and that my job is to learn and grow and heal from the inside out.

Have I forgotten? Heck, no! Do I dwell on it? Occasionally, but not all the time anymore. It is a part of my life, not my life in it's entirety.

Where daughters might have been had I ever had any and where DILs might have filled my heart with joy had that worked out, I now have wonderful "sort of" daughters...five of them...who would take a bullet for me in a New York Minute. And visa versa. 

HappyDays...how did you make that heart with your keyboard?

I honestly believe that when we feel that all we have left are the feelings of vindictiveness and the need for revenge that they are pretty natural and temporary feelings. If and when we get stuck in those feelings, I think we are shutting out other feelings that could be more supportive and nurturing for us. We don't hurt others when we are negative, we hurt ourselves.

For me at least, the bottom line is love. I felt deep and abiding love for my son who turned from me in his teens and who passed on in his fifties still agreeing with his wife that I was the Wicked Witch of the West. Love not returned or valued is still pure and untainted. We are mothers. We are love. What others decide to do with that is about them, not us. We gave it our best shot with no guarantees and we would do it again.

One thing we have seen here on this Forum is that a break like you are describing, (one that is out of proportion to the incident that occurred), may not necessarily be an issue of accumulated and unaddressed incidents. Sometimes it is an excuse to justify separating the adult son from his family. Maybe not a conscious scheme or a premeditated act but a plan, however unconscious, to produce that result.

Anybody got a working definition?

Well, thank you! What a nice post.  And thank you for the great Chihuahua advice! I will try that and report back.

In my bio that is on my www.MomResponds.com website, there is a picture of me with my webmaster-son. That's how I have been able to do this kind of work. What a great facilitator he is!

This site evolved out of my work with Prissy on that site. We have a wonderful gang here!

Beautiful! Thank you again!

My husband will be 98 years old in October and there is such a sense of peace in his demeanor. He doesn't say much about it but everyone who is around him senses that he is "vertically connected" and in some sort of state of Grace. What a teacher! He smiles and says life for him is a Near Death Experience because death can't help but be near.

His memory is bad and his hearing and sight are impaired but he takes the dog for several long walks every day, keeps the kitchen neat and tidy, (I haven't washed a dish in the 20 years we have been together), makes his own bed...etc. No walker or cane for him but he moves slowly and carefully. We still converse easily and comfortably and he helps me daily with my question and answer website; http://www.MomResponds.com .

Talk about acceptance...

What a lovely visualization. I am going to put it to work in my spiritual practice. Thanks! 

It is the next morning, now, and I wanted to report how easy the process is and how rewarding. Thank you so much for passing this information on. It is easy for some of us to drown in self-help books...there are so many to wade through. Millions?  

I can do something simple like this and use it to heal. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! 

How horrible! How contrived! How untenable!

We have had some lovely DILs on this site who have wanted desperately to relate warmly to their MILS and who took endless abuse trying in vain to establish mutual respect. If the raw material isn't there, it's a no-go. 

Hey, if that happens, I ain't tellin' nobody nutten!