December 07, 2019, 04:28:36 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - luise.volta

31
Thank you for clarifying that. I'm so glad you and your husband have solidarity in such unfortunate circumstances. At age 91, I see life as a journey and since we are all different, so are our life-paths. Leaning that we matter and that we get to choose is a wonderful gift to my way of thinking. My hat is off to you!
32
Welcome, W. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the' Forum Agreement' to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


Everyone here except me, (I'm the Website owner), creates a user name so they can remain anonymous. Please change yours. Thank you.
33
C, I haven't had a similar issue with my MIL. However, what I can relate to is what I think of as 'oil and water' relationships. Personalities that don't mesh. Expectations that aren't met. Impasses.


Others may not agree with me on this and that's as is should be but/and I would be done, too. Needs aren't being met...energy is being drained. Years come and go and nothing changes. You aren't the DIL she wants and she isn't me MIL for you. So be it.


We all have short suits and limitations. Perfection is the great illusion. I can work on mine when I receive support but when I meet opposition, not so much. Life is too short. That's my take. You have tried really hard at times and no so hard at others. You are still going to be you. And so is she. Enough is too much.


I'm unclear about how you and your husband see this, as a couple...and where he is regarding you drawing a line in the sand and saying, I'm done. To me, that's much more important. Can the two of you align on this and move on in peace, getting that you have given it your best shot? Hugs...



34
I am going to close this topic and suggest that you find a counselor to help you with your issues, C. My Website is about sharing common problems and solutions. What you describe sounds much more complex. I believe you could benefit from seeking professional direction and advice. We don't have counselors here and are unable to offer that level of support. Please know that we all wish you well.
35
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website. Thanks.


I had my dad with with us in his later years but have never lived with either of my sons and their families. It was hard with my dad. We all gave it our best but my husband and I both worked, so my Dad was alone a lot, and when we got home we were bushed.


What you describe is abuse to my way of thinking. Others may not agree. That's the value of a forum...multiple comments are made at times that offer differing experiences.


My take is your grandchildren are going to learn, no matter how everyone tries to hide it, that abuse is OK. Dad does it and Mom allows it. These days, hired domestic helpers are treated with respect and paid...or they move on. To me leaving is what will restore your self respect. It may not be easy to find a solution and follow through but you deserve better than to live in such a toxic environment.


We don't debate or respond with explanations here. This is a 'Take What You Want and Leave the Rest' forum. Sometimes it's useful information and sometimes it's not. We just share and let it go, counting on you to do the same.


Sending many hugs.
36
Just got this from my son about your issue. Hope it helps:


Mom, please let her know that her username is ]raindrops and her display name is raindrops_on_my_soul. She needs to sign in using her username. When she posts the other name will identify her to the members.
37
Hi, R., I forwarded your post to our Webmaster. Hugs, Luise
38
Welcome R.! We ask all new members to go to our home page and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


I had a similar experience with my two adult sons. The eldest knew for a fact that I was the world's worst mother. My youngest was sure I was the absolute best. It took me a while to distance myself enough to realize that neither was true and it was about them, not me.


It took me even longer to realize that the price was too high for me to continue to want things to be different and to endlessly keep trying to fix them. I eventually turned my life around by getting that I was contributing to the problem by accepting the abuse and I vowed to only relate to those that treated me with respect, since to me, that was what self-respect was all about and I had lost that in the process.


None of the above may apply to you but I wanted to share my experience and the peace I have found. Nothing has changed...but I have. That's not true for everyone who shares here. Hope you hear from others, too. Hugs!
39
Grandchildren / Re: Raising Grandkids
September 21, 2018, 08:52:18 am
Welcome to my Website. Please create a UserName that will protect your anonymity and also remove your picture from your profile. I will close this thread to protect you further. In re-reading our Forum Agreement you may better understand our policies. Sometimes WWU isn't a fit. There are other Websites that take a different approach where you may feel more at home. If you choose to stay and re-post, I will remove this thread and respond. We care and we understand. To that we add as much protection of your privacy as possible.
40
Welcome, N. At first I found it nearly impossible to get that's how things were. I didn't even know about...'what you focus on expands' and the obvious answer, which is 'what you pass on contracts'. My life was about not having it be how it was and keeping track of every hurt. Things didn't change in my case...but I eventually did and my life opened up to the peace and joy I found elsewhere when I finally saw I had a choice and took it. Many hugs!
41
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Just a venting day
September 06, 2018, 11:06:56 am
Oh, honey...I'm so sorry. I don't think there is one person here who hasn't had relapses...hoping things aren't the way they are. They do get fewer and farther between. Hugs...
42
You're fine...we're just careful to try to keep our e-door open to everyone. Thank you for understanding.
43
Two minor modifications in your post. Our Forum Agreement states that we do not refer to our belief systems in any way. There are so many and there are those that have none. In this way we try to respect all.
44
Welcome. We ask all new members to go to out HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


Thank you for you post! What a long journey and how amazing you are to have found peace. Your post will inspire many. I am deeply touched by your willingness to share it with us. Hugs...
45
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website.


We can't give advice here, none of us are professionals, but we can listen and share our experience. If we have none that is similar, we can guess what we might do. (?)


My guess is that the first thing I would have to do would be to share my concerns with my husband, so we could move ahead together to reclaim our home. No one has ever 'made' me do something. I have seen myself as always having a choice although I have lived to regret some of them. When I make a mistake it is hard to back-paddle but it's the only way I know of to set things straight. If I don't, I'm condoning what is happening and can't blame it on others. I hope you will hear from other members. No two responses are ever alike. Sending hugs[size=78%]...[/size]