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Messages - luise.volta

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31
Welcome, C. I have been there, too. My issues aren't gone but I finally learned that my expectations, which were just the garden variety 'gramma stuff', were mine and that no one was responsible for fulfilling them. In my generation, I was born in 1927, those things were a given.


We are here for you. Please know that you are not alone and that we care. Many have healed here and gotten their lives back, even though they were not what they'd planned on or hoped for. For me it was the discovery that there was Life After Parenting...other options, as SL just described, beyond my beloved biological role. Hugs...

32
Welcome, F., this is where you can be heard and understood, for sure.

For me, what tripped me up was my very garden-variety expectations. I didn't realize for a long time that they were mine and others had no obligation to fulfill them. All I wanted was what I knew in my own childhood where both families were honored and respected. I thought it was just a given.

What I had to learn to do was to focus on what I did have. Since it was unfair, that was a hard and very slow transition for me. I guess I had to do some growing up of my own before I could get that my son had started a new family unit and they got to make their own rules and work through their own lessons. I thought traditions mattered like they used to.

I don't know if there is anything in my story that might help. I am now a great grandmother and my great granddaughter is 23! What a lovely women! I have seen her once in the last 10 years. She lives about 5 hours away and came up to see me last year with her own grandmother, my ex-DIL, and her dad, my eldest grandson. It was wonderful! My son died of a sleep apnea stroke at age 52, so I am deeply grateful to still be connected and to feel their love. Thank heaven for FaceBook. In my case, it is a treasure but I know that's not always the case. Sending hugs...

33
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website. Thanks in advance!


My experience is similar to the others that have responded to you. To become a healthy, responsible adult...separation has to occur. I left home at 18 and so did both of my sons. It isn't as hard when it is to go to college or into the service, which is what we did...but it was permanent and it was a long time before any of us, myself included, reached even a minimal level of maturity.


A blowup is no fun for anyone but it can achieve the same purpose. You both initiated it and you son's attempts at blaming you are probably about saving face. Who knows? We can't change others...just ourselves so I agree that focusing on your own life is where you will find peace. There is life after parenting. There are many here to attest to that! Hugs...




34
Grab Bag / Hang in There!
« on: October 29, 2017, 10:55:57 AM »
Our Home page has been changed and our Webmaster is working on the lack of traffic on our Site. It is due to shifts in focus that are coming from Google. Crossing fingers! Hugs to all!

35
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult daughter giving up on me
« on: October 23, 2017, 10:41:14 AM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. (This is our, legal 'Canned Greeting' and nothing personal.)


My heart goes out to you because I know how it feels to have limited vision at night, fatigue and an aging dog. For me, I think my worst enemy has been the fact that I look and act pretty much like I used to, so what evidence there is that my limitations are increasing is not easily faced by those that don't want to see them. Thus, I was seen as a wimp when I was just being as honest as possible.


I don't know what will work for you, of course. Certainly the present situation appears loaded. The hardest thing for me to get was that I wasn't heard. They didn't want to hear it. And the fact that nothing I said or did made any difference was really painful. It was about my eldest son and daughter-in-law...their perspectives, not mine, that were the issue. I finally got that I couldn't change any of that and my responsibility was to take care of myself. I asked to continue to be invited to all occasions and to have my responses respected. That didn't happen but it was the best I could do. Now, my focus is on my friends and the volunteer work I can do from home. My life matters and so do I. So do you! Sending hugs...



36
Welcome, S. I think the hardest thing for me in raising my two sons was to get when they left the nest, that my parenting was done. My expectations were that I would always be included in their lives, useful and revered. As they moved into the beginnings of adulthood, they saw themselves as full-blown adults. (I did the same thing, but I forgot that.)


I honestly didn't get that they needed to make their own choices and face the consequences...or not. I had guided them since birth, protected them to the best of my ability and saw my biological role and what I had learned as still in place and of value.


Whoa! What a ride! My heart goes out to you...

37
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: October 04, 2017, 09:46:04 PM »
Yes, K., that's a saying where I live. And...I had never thought of how rich I would be if I had spent my money more wisely. Whoa!

38
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: October 04, 2017, 09:36:03 PM »
K, I think we have all pretty much had our say here and if venting helped that's a good thing from my point of view. However, 'taking what you want and leaving the rest' is the way we have stayed out of becoming defensive and having it lead to a debate. I think it's time to close this thread and move on. If you disagree then there are Websites that aren't monitored where debate is supported. Here's hoping things get better for you.

39
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: October 02, 2017, 06:23:38 AM »
That's what were here for, M. We all have our good days as well as the other kind since there is no such thing as perfection. When the next Newbie arrives you will be here to greet her. And, yes, we're all Newbies when something new hits us...or even something old, disguised as new. Hugs...

40
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 29, 2017, 09:10:18 PM »
I have learned that for me the 'He said...she did' thing just doesn't work. I think it's called triangulation but I'm not sure. I spent way too long not realizing that I was experiencing upsets that weren't mine.  Finally I got to a place where I said: "That's not something you need to talk to me about. You need to accept it our talk to _____" For me, that works not only with my extended family but with friends and acquaintances. They usually stop because they know how I am going to respond. If they continue...I simply say I'm not going there.


If I am asked...'What do you think...or don't you agree', I smile and pull and imaginary zipper across my mouth. I, too, feel that adulthood and a new relationship is where we all learn...or don't and it's private.

41
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 29, 2017, 08:49:28 PM »
How I love all of my 'kids'! That's you guys!  :)

42
Welcome, Jennifer9. I have had the experience, too, of having my focus be about a situation I couldn't do anything about. In the end, that became my life and took all of my energy. I had very simple expectations and it took me way to long to get that they were of no interest to my son and daughter in law. In an attempt to stay connected to my grandchildren, I submitted to verbal abuse and cruel treatment. I had to have some counseling to learn that by staying in that pathology, I was teaching my grandchildren that mistreatment of elders was acceptable behavior. It took a while before I was able to let go of my expectations and totally remove myself from the 'game'. I wanted to stay in a relationship with my grandsons at all cost, so my dreams of resolution kept me hooked. In counseling I learned that I had the right to make the choice to continue, if I could gracefully accept what it was costing me and find a way to function in a healthy and joyful way. I couldn't. Eventually, I totally removed myself from all of it without anger, just honestly stating that I couldn't remain in contact.

Now my grandsons are grown. One is aloof. However the other one has established a wonderful relationship with me and has thanked me many times for my sacrifice. He is the eldest and could see that things were better at home after the battles ceased. Hugs...



43
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Starting to find acceptance
« on: August 30, 2017, 11:25:10 AM »
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


Sometimes members find writing out their situation and sharing it to be helpful. No two are alike, really. We are here as you have found out by reading our archives and current posts, to create and maintain a supportive community. I started WWU nearly a decade ago when I realized my original Website brought more issues about adult children and extended families than any other subject. I am 90 now and have three wonderful Moderators helping me out. Glad to have you aboard!







44
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 29, 2017, 09:17:30 AM »
What a wonderful report, Pen! Hugs...

45
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 26, 2017, 08:20:31 AM »
Wonderful to hear from you, Bamboo. Your progress is so heartening. We all have to learn as our adult children learn. No one prepares us for this and perhaps that's because it has to be lived. My elder son never forgave me for my humanness, my youngest, our Webmaster, never held it against me. Some of that is about me, for sure, and...some of it has to be about them. Looking back I'm not sure it matters. What matters may be moving through it and out the other side. We get to learn and grow, too! Hugs...

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