December 09, 2019, 11:46:43 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - luise.volta

17
Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website. Obviously this is a 'canned greeting' but necessary for clarity. There are many kinds of Websites, some of which thrive on debate and criticism. At WWU, we listen with compassion and share our experiences. We aren't professionals and don't advise.


I have personally had the issue you are pondering. I came up with the same solution you are considering. I went through my photos and selected the ones that brought me happy memories and put them in a scrapbook. The rest brought me deep grief and I discarded them. I haven't had any regrets and I did it quite a while ago. That doesn't mean you might not have regrets...we are all so different. For me, I didn't want to erase the evidence of the lovely times when my son was little and our relationship was a loving one. At the same time, I didn't want to be reminded of it's disintegration. Hugs...
18
Take heart. I am 91 years old and I'm still learning and growing. Change is the natural by-product. Hugs...
19
And even one step further? Blaming yourselves for taking it. You did that. And that's where your power lies, it seems to me...in making other choices. You are in control of that. You can't change others but/and you can change you! Yippee-yay!
20
Good for you! Retraining ourselves after decades of putting our children first is terribly hard. Getting that they are adults and responsible for their actions is a whole new world where there are consequences for them and choices for others. Hugs...
21
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


My painful experience with my eldest son and his wife was that how I felt and what I wanted was of no interest to them. It took me a very long time to get that they had the right, as adults, to choose how the related to and used others. I finally got that the only choice I had was in how I accepted or rejected their attitudes and behaviors toward me. Eventually I decided that my grands were learning that abuse was Ok by example. I didn't want to be any part of that. Self respect mattered to me and I had pretty much lost it over the years.


I removed myself from the toxic relationship they defined and after a while found peace again in my marriage and in my other interests. My expectations weren't met on any level and it finally dawned on me that they were mine and no one had to meet them. My husband and I looked away from our biological roles toward what else would bring us joy and filled our lives by interacting with friends where mutual respect was a given. We started to travel and made new friends and a new life. We never imagined we would find peach but we did.


I don't know if any of that will be useful to you but it worked for us. Hugs!
22
Welcome, S. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.


My serious issues with my eldest son didn't involve my DIL's family. His 'about face' came when he was in his teens. He decided I was not the mother he would have chosen and his friends had fared better than he did. A mother who virtually never left the kitchen and never spoke a word looked much more appealing. What transpired for me might be of some help to you since he carried that attitude on into his adult life, marriage and parenting.


I eventually learned I was the one who decided my value and gave myself the respect I knew I deserved. My expectations were of my own making. Back then they were the norm in the culture in which I grew up. I got stuck in self-pity for much too long. It was healthy at first but eventually kept me from learning and growing.


My lesson was I mattered, if I said so. Respect wasn't something that another bestowed on me or withheld at will. Self-respect was available. My husband helped me with this and I move beyond would'a, should'a, could'a. We knew we had both been good parents...and the issue was my son's to resolve or not. He choose not. We restructured our lives, looking to what we had instead of what we had lost. My son passed his beliefs on to his youngest son. However, his eldest son and our youngest son never bought into it.


My point is that for me, actually for us, the impasse no longer dominated our well-being. We looked to what brought us joy and fulfillment and healing followed.


Sending hugs your way...
23
That sounds pretty tough, R. I have gotten to where I look to see what brings me joy. If it's gift giving, fine. If not, I don't do it. I've finally gotten to where I give my myself what I feel I deserve no matter what other's think. And I am not going to let others teach the children in my clan that it's OK to be abusive. I no longer set myself up to be a victim. That may be selfish. If so, so be it. I had to give up looking for reasons and hoping for change but I'm much happier. I matter. So do you!
24
Welcome W. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.


I have modified your post a bit and also ask that you choose a different User Name. All participants here, with the exception of myself because it is my Website, remain anonymous to protect their privacy in sharing their issues. We have been around for over a decade and have learned that works best. When you're ready, please post your own story under a separate heading if you wish. We look forward to hearing from you.
25
Welcome, C. We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.


I came to the same conclusion with my eldest son. By accepting his abuse, I was teaching my grandsons it was Ok.


I, too, had to let go of my biological role and find a new identity. Now, as I look back on it, I'm so glad I did. I deserved better and so do you! Hugs...
28
Welcome to WWU. I only use my own name because this is my Website and members often want to know the source. I started it many years ago (I am nw 91) when I was thrashing around myself with the issues I had with my eldest son. I felt so alone. It looked to me like everyone around me was doing beautifully. (Not so...they were just better at faking it.)


I was impressed with the way you ended your post. It looks like you know what's happening and what to do about it. It's the 'how to do it' that's brought you to us.


I love the answer you got from SL. It is full of 'gold nuggets' on how to proceed. We are here for you 24/7. Hugs...
29
Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
November 04, 2018, 04:47:25 pm
Oh, good. We are in your corner and we care! Hugs...
30
Grab Bag / Re: 50th Wedding Anniversary
November 04, 2018, 12:43:45 pm
Hi, J. Ah, that demon 'expectation'. I know that one well. Often others don't meet mine, however simple, and I'm sure there are times I don't meet theirs.


It's important to me to let myself feel the feeling that come up when something like this happens. Then what I have learned to do is create a way to to fill the gap to some degree. A special anniversary is special whether others remember it or not. Why not take a trip or go on a cruise? I know the specific date has come gone but that doesn't mean you still can't do it and have a great time. 50 years is a huge milestone. Congrats!