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Messages - luise.volta

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Grab Bag / Re: Happy Holidays!
« on: December 24, 2017, 09:39:29 PM »
Thank you so much, Just Like! I love the picture I have conjured up of you in your woods. Even though I live in a 50-year-old retirement center...we have 90 acres of huge evergreens over 110 ft. tall, eagles, coytoes, bears, raccoons and lots more in the woods around us. We are on a salt-water bluff where the air is fresh, the quiet is soothing and we don't have to lock our doors at night. And as I DIL is bringing Christmas dinner! You're right, we did our time and did it well! Hugs...

Grab Bag / Re: Happy Holidays!
« on: December 24, 2017, 11:00:53 AM »
Love your news, Pen! A GC can be a many-splendored thing. I find it hard to believe that my Great Grand Daughter is 23! Happy Holidays!

Grab Bag / Re: Happy Holidays!
« on: December 23, 2017, 08:36:00 PM »
Great to hear from you, Bamboo. Have a wonderful time!

Grab Bag / Happy Holidays!
« on: December 23, 2017, 12:04:45 PM »
     To all of you, have a great holiday season! Mine involves a Christmas dinner that my DIL, who lives 50 miles from here, is preparing and bringing up to me at the Warm Beach Retirement Center on Christmas Day. I tire when going out, so she is bringing dinner to me...home cooked! I have a neighbor who was going to be alone on Christmas, so she is coming over to join us. And of course my beloved son, our Webmaster, Kirk, will be here, too!
     I would love to hear what each of you has planned, if you have time off from work. We are such a diverse group that there's probably a lot to share.
     Holiday Hugs to All!

Note: Our Website has been less active due to Google and the way they manage content. Kirk, our Webmaster, has checked into it and has, of course, no control over Google. The lack of activity on our Website is due to Google changing our page count. It's not our own software but a trend involving our Internet server. Let's just keep going on our own, OK?

Absolutely, J, good catch! No one is responsible for our expectations. They are ours. Mine were pretty minimal but they were from another decade.

Welcome, J. I agree with B. 100%. It's my humble opinion that the present situation is teaching your younger children that abusing parents is OK and respect is outdated. You matter, your husband matters, your marriage matters. When I was in tight spaces with my teens, I got stuck in 'what if'. What if he has to stop school and go to work? What if he makes bad choices? What if I am to blame and failed as a parent?

I learned that adulthood is a classroom and choices need to be made by students. Consequences from their actions have to be faced and lessons learned, or not. I eventually got that my biological, parental role of protecting my sons during their childhood was not a gift when they were of age, it was damaging.

It was awful for all of us...and they grew up in the process. When their own children reached the same fork in the road...they thanked me for my earlier wisdom and did the same thing. Then it was repeated with my 23 year-old great granddaughter, who has flourished as a result. (I am 90.)

When our children were babies, they fell while learning to walk. It was part of the process even though we hated it. I see a strong similarity.


Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Mostly lurking at this point.
« on: November 27, 2017, 09:01:56 PM »
Welcome P, we ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read me First to read the posts placed there for you to be sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

How wonderful that you are availing yourself of our archives. That's what they're for! Thank you.

I had a hard time when I started to realize that the paths of others were not where I should focus. It's what moms do for years on end. I actually lost sight of myself as a complete person prior to my biological role and didn't know where to begin. For a long time I let myself be drawn back in...thinking it was what I 'should' be doing without realizing I had let it define me. I admire your clarity and resolve and I hope the support and understanding available here helps.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« on: November 27, 2017, 11:22:16 AM »
I think the hardest thing for me to learn was that it was "none of my business"! And to convey that information to my 'adult' son. What was going on with him was 'my business' for so long and he was used to asking for my counsel that it wasn't easy or even natural for either of us. I had to tell him that along with leaving home was leaving the kind of interactions that worked for us in the parent/child context. He wasn't ready or even able to make wise choices at first. The point was for him to choose and then learn from the consequences...or not. When his sons left home, he did the same thing and thanked me for the 'tough love'. They are now grown and my 23 year-old great granddaughter is on the same track. They have all become outstanding adults...but maybe that has nothing to do with any of the above. Who knows? Hugs...

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« on: November 27, 2017, 08:22:40 AM »
What great news! I would ask him if he would enjoy being your guest at a local restaurant for your Christmas Day Dinner? First, I'd get on the Internet to see what was open close to be able to offer a suggestion or two. Then everyone would get to relax and have a good time. Hugs...

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« on: November 25, 2017, 08:44:28 PM »
I learned the hard way that my observations were passed on and it went downhill from there. The 'he said or did' and the 'she said or did' is called triangulation for good reason and the promise not to quote me lasted until their first fight. Then all bets were off. Eventually I had to say I didn't want to know the inside details of the relationship. It was their private business. All I added was that, for me, my intimate, live-in relationship(s) were the most difficult venues I ever experienced but/and they brought me the most valuable lessons of life. Adding, that I had to do it alone, via trial and error. I also passed on the fact that a couple of times, I needed a counselor to help me...but that was very different than involving a family member. And I stuck to it. Not easy. We are all protective and hate to see our not-quite-adult children flopping around.

The fact that your daughter already has 'noted some things that her new boyfriend has to change about himself to be a better partner', is a red flag. He probably has a similar list, right? Oh, oh...

Sometimes I had to pretend I actually had tape over my mouth. Hugs...

I had to come to the point of no return before I was able to face something similar, S. I anguished over it way too long before I decided to pick up my dignity and move on. 'I matter'. That was the silent stand I took. My husband was in my corner...(if not in the kitchen)...and brainstormed with me. We didn't have the money to go on a cruise, so we started taking mini-trips over Thanksgiving, no two alike. We studied destinations, gathered data on different Bed and Breakfasts and considered routes including points of interest. We took along good books, slept in, walked on a beach when there was one, and ate like Royalty on Thanksgiving Day. We came home refreshed. It reminded us that we were a couple before we were parents. It was wonderful! We simply told the clan we were spending our holiday giving thanks that we could spoil each other. I'm a widow and those are some of my loveliest memories. Hugs...

     Thinking of you R. Wondering, since it was what sounded like a repeat performance, if you feel it served anyone? If not, what would you change that is about your life, not theirs?
     Where my experiences, which were similar, eventually took me was to change what didn't work for me while getting that what my eldest son, his wife and their children did was about them to change or not. They chose to continue but/and not in my home. I choose to no longer participate in the lesson they were teaching; that abuse was acceptable.      Did I lose something? Yes, my garden variety expectations. Did I gain something? Yes, my self respect. Hugs...
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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« on: November 22, 2017, 09:08:23 AM »
Welcome back, Nik. We are always here for you! What comes up for me is my own experience of my eldest son's criticism. I honestly thought it was about me and anguished over having not done things 'right'. Looking back I know it was his job as an adult to work through his childhood issues. We all have them. He chose to focus on the past instead of the present...and on my humanness as well as his dad's. We were a garden-variety family with normal ups and downs.

Parental blame for some has great appeal because it carries with it the denial of responsibility. It supports the illusion that if we had done things differently life would be perfect, the consequences that come with poor choices wouldn't exist and no lessons would need to be learned.

Welcome, M. I don't have much to add to the great response you got from S. For me, learning to listen, care and shut up has been a lesson that's been long in coming! That's all that's needed and it's priceless. Making choices and learning from the consequences...or not, is what adults do and how they do that is their business.
Hugs 2U.

Welcome, C. I have been there, too. My issues aren't gone but I finally learned that my expectations, which were just the garden variety 'gramma stuff', were mine and that no one was responsible for fulfilling them. In my generation, I was born in 1927, those things were a given.

We are here for you. Please know that you are not alone and that we care. Many have healed here and gotten their lives back, even though they were not what they'd planned on or hoped for. For me it was the discovery that there was Life After Parenting...other options, as SL just described, beyond my beloved biological role. Hugs...

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