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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Topics - luise.volta

Grab Bag / Vintage RV Forum in the Making
September 05, 2009, 09:11:05 pm
Asking for good thoughts, prayers and warm wishes regarding a special project.

I am now designing my third website. It takes quite a while because my webmaster-son is busier than several of those famous paperhangers...but it's in the hopper.

Like this site, it's evolved out of my www.MomResponds.com question and answer website.

This time the subject is Vintage RVs and is meant to fill the need for a non-commercial site where restoration buffs, new and confused owners and seasoned people with maintenance issues can interact. Another forum.

Until very recently I owned a vintage Airstream/Argosy which I pretty much remodeled and redecorated - even to putting in an electric fireplace, glider rockers, braided rugs and a Cuckoo clock!  ;D ;D I sold it a year ago when my increased care giving made it necessary...but my heart beats to an RVer's rhythm. It was in the Port Susan Camping club which is not far from here. And oh...the rain on the roof was pure heaven!

When I met my husband in 1989, I was a retired, full-time RVer driving a motor home and towing a pickup....just to give a little background. We spent our first five years together RVing...with me doing all of the driving, setting up and tearing down and my hubby doing all the cooking and dog walking!  ;D

I just want to put it out there...that I'm doing this. I have no time frame but will keep anyone interested in this thread appraised of my progress. It's a way for me to stay "on the road" from my desk.  :D

Well, last March I put together a "Simmer Picnic" for yesterday, my youngest son's 54th birthday. (He's our webmaster.) Not a Birthday Party as such, per his request, but an extended family thing for 20 of us at a County, salt water park close to home. Because of my husband's age, I had to be able to get him back home for his nap, and yet not be gone long since I was the one with the permit to use the covered picnic area on the beach.

If you want to reserve a space there in the summer, you have to do it in the winter. My ex-DIL and very dear friend was in on all of this. As you all know from experience, it takes some organizational skills to pull it off.

Friday she emailed me that she was canceling. I was surprised, hurt and disappointed but it surfaced as anger. She has canceled out on me more than everyone else I know put together. She always has an excuse that makes her blameless. I lashed out and she replied "Ouch!"

Then I backed up...(it would have been better to not have had to, of course) and told her that the other side of the coin was that where she goes and what she does is her business, not mine, and how I react is my business, not hers. That's where Alicev's quote comes in:

"When we stop gossiping, complaining, giving guilt trips, forcing ourselves on others, and start taking responsibility for our own feelings and let other people be who they truly are - we do the right thing."

The clue in all of this is my reference above regarding my ex-DILs pattern of letting other people down by canceling at the last minute. That's what she often, but not always, does. She was just being how she is.

At 82, I think one of the last lessons I am ever going to get in this lifetime is that how I perceive something is not how it is. It sure looks (to me) like that's how it is...but others often have radically different takes on things.

My closest friend, who died in May, was a great teacher of this principle by example. Something would happen where I would get my feeling hurt and I'd come unglued. Then, later something very similar would happen to her and instead of feeling rejected etc., etc...she would be genuinely perplexed and say "How weird that he/she doesn't see how great I am." And that would be the end of it.   ;D

Love you guys!

I am moving Anna's post from Open Me First to DIL/New Topic - Liise

Hi ______, I bet you're wondering why I'm sending you this note.  Well it's about dil, & you seem to have a good relationship with her.  I don't know how much you talk, but I was wondering if you could help.  We have never met anyone like her.  My husband & I are very close with our children, but it seems as if dil is trying to push  sons family away.  The problem really started when first grandson was born.  dil shut us out for the first 3 weeks of his life.  In our family, we always celebrate a birth, & share it with the whole family including in-laws.  We were extremely hurt during this time.  When grandsons birth announcement was put in the paper dil would not include his great grandparents names.  She said that because her grandparents were dead, sons grandparents shouldn't be put in either.  My parents & mom-in-law were very hurt.  It seems that her behaviour is worse when on speaking terms with her own mother.  Dil & mother don't speak for months because they are fighting about one thing or another.  Dil feels that because her kids don't spend time with her mother, they shouldn't spend time with us.  I am the full time caregiver so dil & son can work, & I love every minute of it, but I would also like to be a gramma, & take my grandchildren places.  Sometimes she will let us but it is always a fight.  Even when she is at work & not missing any Mom time she doesn't want us to take them out.  She will allow us to take the to closest city but nowhere else.  We are not allowed to visit family or friends if we have our grandchildren with us.  3 hour time limit is always in place.  dil feels that she should be involved in every fun time her children have in their lives, therefore we are not allowed any fun grandparent time, just us & our grandkids.  She has let them stay overnight but checks on the constantly.  There have been some really, really bad times, but I don't want to get into that here.  What I'm looking for is some insight into her family so that we can understand her better & have a better relationship with her.  I know she trusts absolutely no-one & would see me contacting you as a betrayal.  We have always helped them whenever they needed us, & have always been there for them.  I also know it takes great effort on her part to allow us ANY time with our grandchildren.  The one thing I don't want to do is cause more problems, I just want a good relationship with my dil, son, & grandchildren.  Son has already lost all his friends, & our extended family stay away.  Dil would not be happy if she knew I sent you this message, &, she has, in the past,
kept us from our grandchildren if she feels we have done something out of line.  If you don't feel comfortable answering this message, that's fine.  I understand.  Anna.

What do you think, should I send this message to someone in her family?  The person I want to send it to is an in-law, but on her side of the family, not ours.  This person seems very nice & level headed

Grandchildren / Missing my Grandsons
July 05, 2009, 03:08:19 pm
Well, my son and one of my grandsons are are at family picnic that is being held too far from here for us to attend and my other grandson lives in Paris with his wife and three "almost out of the nest" kids...(14, 16 and 18.) Long weekend. Not really feeling sorry for ourselves because our lives are rich and full of good things...just, I don't know what, pensive?

A week from today we have designed another outdoor get together four miles from home at a salt water park. That will work. My hubby, 98 in Oct., will still need to come home for his nap but the proximity will make that possible.

We are lucky to still have each other and still there have to be adjustments on a regular basis to make it work. We used to jump in the car and off we'd go, without a thought. No more...not wise. But sometimes it's a little too quiet.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Bridges
June 22, 2009, 03:24:01 pm
Hi All,

I am starting to feel that DILs are (or can be) the bridge between mothers and their adult sons. Does that make any sense to anyone? The wife becomes his priority, as well she should, and then she cements his connection to his roots by honoring them.

If she doesn't, or can't, or if we think we are still number one...disaster strikes.

How the heck do we anticipate that and cope with the ones who don't tie us in? And how do they deal with the clinging MILs who won't let go?

There is something so beautiful about an expanded family. Why should it have to be a pipe-dream for so many of us on both sides of the fence? Sad...



Grab Bag / Death of a Dear Friend
May 16, 2009, 01:19:25 pm
Hi Everyone, I'm writing today regarding my best friend's death on Thursday of this week. We've been close for over 45 years. She had inoperable, ovarian cancer and for the last 20 months, I have called her long distance every night so she could talk about whatever she wanted to. She had no family. She went into hospice two weeks ago tomorrow and when I went to see her a week ago today she was in a coma. None-the-less, when I sang to her...she open her eyes, focused them on me and raised her arm to offer one last hug. It was amazing.

What's going on with me is my compartmentalization. I knew she was leaving and I prayed for her release, so intellectually...I'm fine. And we both have belief systems that allow for a future reunion, so I'm fine...spiritually. However, emotionally, I'm a real mess. This happens every time I have to face the death of someone close, even a pet. They "disappear" and my world has a hole in it and I grieve so deeply I think I won't survive it. I think it is probably as "normal as blueberry pie" but that doesn't help very much. Luise