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Topics - luise.volta

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*Note* - This post came in as a PM from tillykilly and I couldn't respond to her for some reason

thank god i have managed to find somewhere and someone out there who is living a similar nightmare and heartbreak.
my son and dil were out of my life for over 2 yrs and now since being pregnant and having my grandson they have been coming around. they still seem to be waving the white flag one minute and like a bull to red one the next, i have upset my dil with an innocent remark and my son laid into me in a foul mouthed way.  they seem intent on trying to prise as much money out of me as appears decent and doing a few things that seem family and mil friendly but i walk on eggs shells with her and my son i now take issue with when he disses me for no reason.  i always loving kind and supportive and never step into their space or even call as they control all that and i just go along with them and what they want, thaouh i still feel my dil is being crafty and sly and putting bullets in the gun for my son to fire please help what can i do next other than fall oveer board when and if they push for it.  god bless all us great and loving mums

Grab Bag / Joke Telling
« on: January 29, 2010, 01:26:44 PM »
I'd like to ask that our site not be used for joke telling. There are a lot of joke sites out there. It's too easy to offend someone who for one reason or another doesn't think it's funny. Thanks.

Grab Bag / WARNING!
« on: December 07, 2009, 11:45:02 AM »
As most of you know, this is my Web-forum but I have recently been up against some almost insurmountable personal issues and have been necessarily absent.

In the meantime, we have some new members who need to read what I have written at the top right of the home page. It's my vision statement. Also please re-read the agreement you made when coming aboard.

Our Forum is for positive support and growth. If you are interested in controversy and conflict, there are numerous hate sites out there that will please you no end. Please go where you are wanted. We don't all agree on this site but we are respectful and kind at all times. For those we wish to attract, that is almost a given...for others it is almost impossible.

DILs interested in working through MIL issues in a respectful and kind way are welcome. In fact we need them. And we only have room for respectful and kind MILs. Please keep those two words in mind...respectful and kind. To me, they mean the same thing: mature.

You know who you are. There won't be any further or personal will just find that you have been dropped from membership. I hope it isn't necessary but I have done it before and will do it as often as required to maintain the integrity of our site.

Grab Bag / Prayers Please
« on: November 27, 2009, 08:27:57 PM »
Well, my foot got worse instead of better and today i wen to the Dr. to be sure nothing we amiss. I found out that I have been walking on a fractured tibia for a week. No wonder it got worse. At the bottom of the tibia is a kind of bulb of bone (ankle) and right above that I have a transverse, displaced fracture all the way across. Probably surgery and pinning will be needed. Headed for the orthopedist.

Lots to try to figure out about how to take care of Val...and me. Weary tonight. Asking for prayers.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Alienation
« on: October 19, 2009, 02:08:34 PM »
Today would have been my eldest son's 61st birthday. When he died nine years ago of sleep apnea we were doing our best to walk on egg shells and stay connected in some very superficial and unrealistic way. Until his teens we were best buds...then I became "the most hated" and never knew why. His wife poured salt on the wound and they seemed to have a great "hating-our-mothers" kind of togetherness. He was a wonderful kid and grew into an even more wonderful man, husband, dad, and granddad. I'm sad that we didn't get through it before he died and I'm sad that I'm sad.

Grab Bag / Luise on YouTube
« on: September 15, 2009, 09:36:39 PM »
The City of Seattle 2009 Senior Appreciation Awards  9-10-09

Grab Bag / Questions that Stumped "Dear Abby"
« on: September 15, 2009, 03:42:52 PM »
>     Dear Abby,
>         A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?
>     Dear Abby,
>         What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
>     Dear Abby,
>         I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
>     Dear Abby,
>         I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
>     Dear Abby,
>         I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
>     Dear Abby,
>         Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
>     Dear Abby,
>         I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?
>      Dear Abby,
>         My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.
>     Dear Abby,
>         I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
>     Dear Abby,
>        My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
>     Dear Abby,
>         You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? 

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Judgment
« on: September 10, 2009, 10:09:17 AM »
I was thinking about someone calling me apathetic and how judgment often comes before all of the facts are in. I was pretty much offline for a few days because my husband fell backward and hit his head on the glass door of the fireplace. (Neither broke, probably because both were so hard!) However, I think it's a good example of why we need to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Grab Bag / Vintage RV Forum in the Making
« on: September 05, 2009, 09:11:05 PM »
Asking for good thoughts, prayers and warm wishes regarding a special project.

I am now designing my third website. It takes quite a while because my webmaster-son is busier than several of those famous paperhangers...but it's in the hopper.

Like this site, it's evolved out of my question and answer website.

This time the subject is Vintage RVs and is meant to fill the need for a non-commercial site where restoration buffs, new and confused owners and seasoned people with maintenance issues can interact. Another forum.

Until very recently I owned a vintage Airstream/Argosy which I pretty much remodeled and redecorated - even to putting in an electric fireplace, glider rockers, braided rugs and a Cuckoo clock!  ;D ;D I sold it a year ago when my increased care giving made it necessary...but my heart beats to an RVer's rhythm. It was in the Port Susan Camping club which is not far from here. And oh...the rain on the roof was pure heaven!

When I met my husband in 1989, I was a retired, full-time RVer driving a motor home and towing a pickup....just to give a little background. We spent our first five years together RVing...with me doing all of the driving, setting up and tearing down and my hubby doing all the cooking and dog walking!  ;D

I just want to put it out there...that I'm doing this. I have no time frame but will keep anyone interested in this thread appraised of my progress. It's a way for me to stay "on the road" from my desk.  :D

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Friday Fiasco with Ex-DIL
« on: July 13, 2009, 09:42:55 AM »

Well, last March I put together a "Simmer Picnic" for yesterday, my youngest son's 54th birthday. (He's our webmaster.) Not a Birthday Party as such, per his request, but an extended family thing for 20 of us at a County, salt water park close to home. Because of my husband's age, I had to be able to get him back home for his nap, and yet not be gone long since I was the one with the permit to use the covered picnic area on the beach.

If you want to reserve a space there in the summer, you have to do it in the winter. My ex-DIL and very dear friend was in on all of this. As you all know from experience, it takes some organizational skills to pull it off.

Friday she emailed me that she was canceling. I was surprised, hurt and disappointed but it surfaced as anger. She has canceled out on me more than everyone else I know put together. She always has an excuse that makes her blameless. I lashed out and she replied "Ouch!"

Then I backed up...(it would have been better to not have had to, of course) and told her that the other side of the coin was that where she goes and what she does is her business, not mine, and how I react is my business, not hers. That's where Alicev's quote comes in:

"When we stop gossiping, complaining, giving guilt trips, forcing ourselves on others, and start taking responsibility for our own feelings and let other people be who they truly are - we do the right thing."

The clue in all of this is my reference above regarding my ex-DILs pattern of letting other people down by canceling at the last minute. That's what she often, but not always, does. She was just being how she is.

At 82, I think one of the last lessons I am ever going to get in this lifetime is that how I perceive something is not how it is. It sure looks (to me) like that's how it is...but others often have radically different takes on things.

My closest friend, who died in May, was a great teacher of this principle by example. Something would happen where I would get my feeling hurt and I'd come unglued. Then, later something very similar would happen to her and instead of feeling rejected etc., etc...she would be genuinely perplexed and say "How weird that he/she doesn't see how great I am." And that would be the end of it.   ;D

Love you guys!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Should I send This?
« on: July 10, 2009, 04:02:58 PM »
I am moving Anna's post from Open Me First to DIL/New Topic - Liise

Hi ______, I bet you're wondering why I'm sending you this note.  Well it's about dil, & you seem to have a good relationship with her.  I don't know how much you talk, but I was wondering if you could help.  We have never met anyone like her.  My husband & I are very close with our children, but it seems as if dil is trying to push  sons family away.  The problem really started when first grandson was born.  dil shut us out for the first 3 weeks of his life.  In our family, we always celebrate a birth, & share it with the whole family including in-laws.  We were extremely hurt during this time.  When grandsons birth announcement was put in the paper dil would not include his great grandparents names.  She said that because her grandparents were dead, sons grandparents shouldn't be put in either.  My parents & mom-in-law were very hurt.  It seems that her behaviour is worse when on speaking terms with her own mother.  Dil & mother don't speak for months because they are fighting about one thing or another.  Dil feels that because her kids don't spend time with her mother, they shouldn't spend time with us.  I am the full time caregiver so dil & son can work, & I love every minute of it, but I would also like to be a gramma, & take my grandchildren places.  Sometimes she will let us but it is always a fight.  Even when she is at work & not missing any Mom time she doesn't want us to take them out.  She will allow us to take the to closest city but nowhere else.  We are not allowed to visit family or friends if we have our grandchildren with us.  3 hour time limit is always in place.  dil feels that she should be involved in every fun time her children have in their lives, therefore we are not allowed any fun grandparent time, just us & our grandkids.  She has let them stay overnight but checks on the constantly.  There have been some really, really bad times, but I don't want to get into that here.  What I'm looking for is some insight into her family so that we can understand her better & have a better relationship with her.  I know she trusts absolutely no-one & would see me contacting you as a betrayal.  We have always helped them whenever they needed us, & have always been there for them.  I also know it takes great effort on her part to allow us ANY time with our grandchildren.  The one thing I don't want to do is cause more problems, I just want a good relationship with my dil, son, & grandchildren.  Son has already lost all his friends, & our extended family stay away.  Dil would not be happy if she knew I sent you this message, &, she has, in the past,
 kept us from our grandchildren if she feels we have done something out of line.  If you don't feel comfortable answering this message, that's fine.  I understand.  Anna.

What do you think, should I send this message to someone in her family?  The person I want to send it to is an in-law, but on her side of the family, not ours.  This person seems very nice & level headed

Grandchildren / Missing my Grandsons
« on: July 05, 2009, 03:08:19 PM »
Well, my son and one of my grandsons are are at family picnic that is being held too far from here for us to attend and my other grandson lives in Paris with his wife and three "almost out of the nest" kids...(14, 16 and 18.) Long weekend. Not really feeling sorry for ourselves because our lives are rich and full of good things...just, I don't know what, pensive?

A week from today we have designed another outdoor get together four miles from home at a salt water park. That will work. My hubby, 98 in Oct., will still need to come home for his nap but the proximity will make that possible.

We are lucky to still have each other and still there have to be adjustments on a regular basis to make it work. We used to jump in the car and off we'd go, without a thought. No more...not wise. But sometimes it's a little too quiet.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Bridges
« on: June 22, 2009, 03:24:01 PM »
Hi All,

I am starting to feel that DILs are (or can be) the bridge between mothers and their adult sons. Does that make any sense to anyone? The wife becomes his priority, as well she should, and then she cements his connection to his roots by honoring them.

If she doesn't, or can't, or if we think we are still number one...disaster strikes.

How the heck do we anticipate that and cope with the ones who don't tie us in? And how do they deal with the clinging MILs who won't let go?

There is something so beautiful about an expanded family. Why should it have to be a pipe-dream for so many of us on both sides of the fence? Sad...



Grab Bag / Death of a Dear Friend
« on: May 16, 2009, 01:19:25 PM »
Hi Everyone, I'm writing today regarding my best friend's death on Thursday of this week. We've been close for over 45 years. She had inoperable, ovarian cancer and for the last 20 months, I have called her long distance every night so she could talk about whatever she wanted to. She had no family. She went into hospice two weeks ago tomorrow and when I went to see her a week ago today she was in a coma. None-the-less, when I sang to her...she open her eyes, focused them on me and raised her arm to offer one last hug. It was amazing.

What's going on with me is my compartmentalization. I knew she was leaving and I prayed for her release, so intellectually...I'm fine. And we both have belief systems that allow for a future reunion, so I'm fine...spiritually. However, emotionally, I'm a real mess. This happens every time I have to face the death of someone close, even a pet. They "disappear" and my world has a hole in it and I grieve so deeply I think I won't survive it. I think it is probably as "normal as blueberry pie" but that doesn't help very much. Luise

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