January 21, 2021, 07:55:56 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - luise.volta

1
Nice to hear from you FS. E-Hugs
2
Welcome, D. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I can feel your disappointment from here. Many years ago, I went through something similar. What I learned the hard way was that my expectations were mine and belonged to me. My son was young when he married and immediately brought many lessons his way. Some he addressed unsuccessfully and some he ignored. The consequences were long-standing. 

I was in his corner and simply couldn't believe I didn't belong there. I had always been there!

What I eventually learned was that all of it was what he had chosen without being aware of it. And all of it was what it meant to be in the strange land of adulthood...too soon. The hardest part, for me, was it was none of my business. I'd done my best to raise him and my job was done. My happily ever after expectations of what it meant to be a mother-in-law and grandparent were exclusively mine. No one was responsible to fulfill them.


We give motherhood our best shot and most of us don't seem to be programmed to let go. We see others seemingly having what we wanted and feel cheated. When I got that it was my turn to move beyond my biological role, I eventually found other interests and healed but it took a long time. 

Wishing you the best as you work your way through the worst.
3
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Jealous SIL
December 02, 2020, 06:05:20 pm
Hi, B., I am 'of an age' where what you are facing is long behind me but I remember it clearly. My son and I are great friends. Never having had any daughters, I was thrilled to get a daughter-in-law. She, however, had no intention of sharing him and declared war. I was shocked, but it didn't take me long to see what I was being excommunicated. Not only were there no visits...there were no phone calls. I soon realized that, as SL learning so succinctly put it, it was none of my business. The choice was my son's, as well as the consequences. It took years but he finally gave up on being her prisoner (his words) and moved on. That was a long time ago. He married again and all is well. Peace at last in our extended family. My take is that most of us, myself included, are too young to pick a life partner when we do. Some of us luck out, many don't. Some stay no matter what but not all. Hugs to you!
4
    Thanks for checking in. Sorry, you find it difficult to post here. I have run across that kind of issue, too. As far as I know, there's nothing we can do. The person with the issue has to seek professional help and I'm not sure many do. Our job is probably to maintain our own balance as much as possible. Not an easy task. Wishing you well...
5
Welcome, LF! You can go to her post and reply. That way you can interact with each other. My take is we did our best. Now our adult children get to stop blaming as a way to put off maturing. The ball is in their court. Many hugs...
6
Hi, MC. My kids are grown and the eldest passed away at 52 of a sleep apnea stroke. We were never the parents he thought he deserved and he made that abundantly clear. We made fools of ourselves trying to measure up but never did. It never entered our minds that it might be about him. We were just ordinary folks doing out best and, being human, facing not being perfect. There was no abuse, no moral issues...we were just too 'common'. He was given a scholarship to a private school due to his high IQ starting in middle school and learned there how the privileged lived. His dad worked there weekends to pay for his transportation, which embarrassed him. He was very successful as an adult and well known in his field. He married and had two sons and a granddaughter. He kept them away from us when they were little and shared his opinion of us with them, which they accepted.

We all have hopes and dreams that color our expectations when it comes to our children. I guess they get to have the same thing but our younger son never bought into any of it. However, our older son let him know he saw him as inferior, too. We had no idea that idea was planted during childhood and has colored our younger son's entire adult life.

Looking back, as I read your post, my heart went out to you. What you want and deserve is an ongoing relationship involving mutual respect. Why it hasn't turned out that way is a mystery but your wellbeing, as described by Still Learning, is up to you, not your children. You did your best. Now, you get to 'turn toward that which brings you joy'...and have the rest of your life be about that...or not. Hugs!
7
I had to look up that diagnosis. To me, you are wise to address this first with your own doc. I do see the strong possibility of losing your son if you proceed...and can relate to your fears if you don't. I think I would ask your primary care physician to contact the neurologist and alert him/her of your observations and ask for total confidentiality. It seems to me specialists must run across this often enough to be on guard. That's an assumption, of course. My heart goes out to you.
8
Aging Wisely / Re: Corona, How is everyone doing?
March 26, 2020, 06:36:07 pm
Hi T, I am 93 and high risk. I live in the Independent Living section of a retirement center in Washington state with both nursing and assisted care facilities. I have a little studio apartment and a dog and have lived here for 20 years. I have various physical issues and a pacemaker. 

All kinds of wise controls were set in place here early on and we held our own until last week when a resident in Independent Living contracted the virus and passed on. We stay in our units unless we are taking a walk, alone. We are on 90 acres of woods and our walks are lovely. There are no two-story units. Groceries are delivered by a store or by family and left on our porches. Prescriptions are handled the same way. We do not congregate anywhere or visit back and forth. However, we stay connected by text, email, and phone conversation. It's a very loving community of around 350 residents.

I have a volunteer job I do from my apartment, monitoring our Maintenance Request Line during their off-hours and submitting a report each morning when they open.

My son and DIL live 50 miles away and prepare all of my main meals for me. This is the third year they have done that! They freeze and label each one and keep me stocked a month in advance. I have a little freezer on my front porch where they leave them...and I wave at them from my window when the come up monthly. They used to visit me every week and we always enjoyed that but it's not safe now. 

I am mobile and do my own housework now that no one is allowed to enter my unit. I do it in small increments. I use a walker for balance but not to hold me up.

I have seen a great deal in the last 93 years but nothing that has prepared me for this. I am a retired nurse but my training was in the 40s and is terribly outdated. All I can do is my best. This is my Website and it means a great deal to me. My moderator, 'Still Learning', is stepping in to take over. My son is our Webmaster.

Hugs to all!
9
Hi, and welcome. I have had no first-hand experience with your situation and we never write here about what we think we would have done or what we think you should do. However, I want to add my caring to the caring of those that have responded. Many hugs.
10
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Drug overdose DS
February 27, 2020, 07:47:08 pm
I am walking the walk with you in my heart, 'I'...24/7.
11
Hello, K. The only thing I can offer that I learned very painfully through my relationship with my eldest son is that it wasn't about me. He just made it
look like that. I thought it was...so I thought there was something I could do
about the estrangement and firmly believed I had a chance with my grandsons.
Not so on both counts. For me, it was very hard to get that my son was an adult and got to make up whatever perceptions suited him. My other son would take a 
bullet for me...which left me even more confused. Given no choice, I honored
my eldest son's mandates and we managed to be polite strangers. All I can add
is you and I did our best and for a long time that looked good enough, right? Since my best is all I had to give, I opted to pass on what I experienced as abuse. I chose self-respect and have focused my life on what brings me joy.
12
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Drug overdose DS
February 20, 2020, 03:32:41 pm
Welcome, I. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My heart goes out to you. I lost my eldest son when we were at odds and had been for years. It wasn't a drug overdose, it was a sleep apnea stroke. It left me with so many feelings of guilt and incompletion that I didn't know how to deal with. 

I wish I had gone to a therapist, so that is all I can think of to suggest to you. I needed to be heard and supported by someone not involved in my life and the drama of our relationship. I eventually learned that my son had a lot of issues that had nothing to do with me that he held me responsible for. 

You matter. You did your best and that's all any of us can do. Blessings...
13
Helpful Resources / Re: lost
February 03, 2020, 05:18:40 pm
I second the motion: Welcome! We're here for you.  :)
14
Welcome, G. If you have used your first initial and last name as your User Name here, please select another User Name that will allow you to remain anonymous. I am the only person using a given name, as this is my Website. 

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts we have placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

I have not had a similar situation but I have a close friend who has gone through something very similar. What she told me, that I will share with you, is that while her adult son was doing as he pleased, she was tiptoeing around him and so was her husband as the quality of the lives and marriage disintegrated. Their son also acted rude and antisocial...and they were afraid to upset him. What they did was to find their own counselor and that worked in their case. They then chose to advise their son that their generosity was no longer available, that they had acted on his behalf in a crisis and since he had been discharged by his counselor, he had 30 days to make other arrangements. He refused, perhaps enjoying the power he had over them and the freedom that went with it. I have no idea. They continued counseling and decided that they were not powerless and, at the same time, did not want to take legal action. So they put their house up for sale, moved, and wished their son well. The last I heard, they were doing well and were happy again. Their son has gone his own way...not their choice but his...and they have accepted that.

I don't know what I would do if confronted with your issue. I hope I would gather up my self-respect like my friend did and move on. Yes, it was pretty drastic but they felt they had done their best and that they deserved to get their lives back, while at the same time, their son needed to learn and grow as a responsible adult. Wishing you well.
15
Welcome, M. If that is your given name, please select a new User Name so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under pen Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

Good for you for realizing that you deserve better and holding that line! No easy and freedom doesn't come overnight for most of us but it is possible! That's for adding your encouragement ad good luck!