June 02, 2020, 07:07:04 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - luise.volta

1
Aging Wisely / Re: Corona, How is everyone doing?
March 26, 2020, 06:36:07 pm
Hi T, I am 93 and high risk. I live in the Independent Living section of a retirement center in Washington state with both nursing and assisted care facilities. I have a little studio apartment and a dog and have lived here for 20 years. I have various physical issues and a pacemaker. 

All kinds of wise controls were set in place here early on and we held our own until last week when a resident in Independent Living contracted the virus and passed on. We stay in our units unless we are taking a walk, alone. We are on 90 acres of woods and our walks are lovely. There are no two-story units. Groceries are delivered by a store or by family and left on our porches. Prescriptions are handled the same way. We do not congregate anywhere or visit back and forth. However, we stay connected by text, email, and phone conversation. It's a very loving community of around 350 residents.

I have a volunteer job I do from my apartment, monitoring our Maintenance Request Line during their off-hours and submitting a report each morning when they open.

My son and DIL live 50 miles away and prepare all of my main meals for me. This is the third year they have done that! They freeze and label each one and keep me stocked a month in advance. I have a little freezer on my front porch where they leave them...and I wave at them from my window when the come up monthly. They used to visit me every week and we always enjoyed that but it's not safe now. 

I am mobile and do my own housework now that no one is allowed to enter my unit. I do it in small increments. I use a walker for balance but not to hold me up.

I have seen a great deal in the last 93 years but nothing that has prepared me for this. I am a retired nurse but my training was in the 40s and is terribly outdated. All I can do is my best. This is my Website and it means a great deal to me. My moderator, 'Still Learning', is stepping in to take over. My son is our Webmaster.

Hugs to all!
2
Hi, and welcome. I have had no first-hand experience with your situation and we never write here about what we think we would have done or what we think you should do. However, I want to add my caring to the caring of those that have responded. Many hugs.
3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Drug overdose DS
February 27, 2020, 07:47:08 pm
I am walking the walk with you in my heart, 'I'...24/7.
4
Hello, K. The only thing I can offer that I learned very painfully through my relationship with my eldest son is that it wasn't about me. He just made it
look like that. I thought it was...so I thought there was something I could do
about the estrangement and firmly believed I had a chance with my grandsons.
Not so on both counts. For me, it was very hard to get that my son was an adult and got to make up whatever perceptions suited him. My other son would take a 
bullet for me...which left me even more confused. Given no choice, I honored
my eldest son's mandates and we managed to be polite strangers. All I can add
is you and I did our best and for a long time that looked good enough, right? Since my best is all I had to give, I opted to pass on what I experienced as abuse. I chose self-respect and have focused my life on what brings me joy.
5
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Drug overdose DS
February 20, 2020, 03:32:41 pm
Welcome, I. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

My heart goes out to you. I lost my eldest son when we were at odds and had been for years. It wasn't a drug overdose, it was a sleep apnea stroke. It left me with so many feelings of guilt and incompletion that I didn't know how to deal with. 

I wish I had gone to a therapist, so that is all I can think of to suggest to you. I needed to be heard and supported by someone not involved in my life and the drama of our relationship. I eventually learned that my son had a lot of issues that had nothing to do with me that he held me responsible for. 

You matter. You did your best and that's all any of us can do. Blessings...
6
Helpful Resources / Re: lost
February 03, 2020, 05:18:40 pm
I second the motion: Welcome! We're here for you.  :)
7
Welcome, G. If you have used your first initial and last name as your User Name here, please select another User Name that will allow you to remain anonymous. I am the only person using a given name, as this is my Website. 

We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts we have placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit. We are a monitored Website.

I have not had a similar situation but I have a close friend who has gone through something very similar. What she told me, that I will share with you, is that while her adult son was doing as he pleased, she was tiptoeing around him and so was her husband as the quality of the lives and marriage disintegrated. Their son also acted rude and antisocial...and they were afraid to upset him. What they did was to find their own counselor and that worked in their case. They then chose to advise their son that their generosity was no longer available, that they had acted on his behalf in a crisis and since he had been discharged by his counselor, he had 30 days to make other arrangements. He refused, perhaps enjoying the power he had over them and the freedom that went with it. I have no idea. They continued counseling and decided that they were not powerless and, at the same time, did not want to take legal action. So they put their house up for sale, moved, and wished their son well. The last I heard, they were doing well and were happy again. Their son has gone his own way...not their choice but his...and they have accepted that.

I don't know what I would do if confronted with your issue. I hope I would gather up my self-respect like my friend did and move on. Yes, it was pretty drastic but they felt they had done their best and that they deserved to get their lives back, while at the same time, their son needed to learn and grow as a responsible adult. Wishing you well.
8
Welcome, M. If that is your given name, please select a new User Name so you can remain anonymous. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under pen Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website

Good for you for realizing that you deserve better and holding that line! No easy and freedom doesn't come overnight for most of us but it is possible! That's for adding your encouragement ad good luck!
9
Welcome, M. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Read Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I am so sorry that you are up against such a tough situation. None of us here have any training as counselors, we share our own experience and we care. My first thought is that if things had gotten that bad with my son, I think I would have gone to a counselor. What I learned in a much less volatile situation was what was going on with my son had nothing to do with me, even though he didn't see it that way. He simply wanted to blame me for anything and everything in his life that didn't suit him. It took me a long time to realize there was nothing I could do about any of that. He was an adult and he had to find his own solutions and if being estranged from me and teaching his sons to follow in his footsteps was the path he chose, that was up to him.

For a long time, I gave him my power. By that I mean I became the victim of his perceptions and actions and tried frantically to fix whatever was wrong. Eventually, I realized my power lay in how I lived my own life as a person...not as his mother. Like you, I gave it my best and he was no longer my dependent child. My job was done. I turned toward the things that brought me joy and fulfillment and took my life back without him and my grandchildren in it. My son has to deal with life just like we all do and hopefully learn to face the consequences of his actions. I love him and I wish him well. That's the best I can do and I do it silently and from a considerable distance. The only other thing I can think of to share is I'm happy.
10
Welcome, J. I edited your post because you used an abbreviation of a word that is not in compliance with our Forum Agreement. 

I am so sorry you have been struggling. I know what it is like be shut out by a daughter in law. Like you, I tried everything and had very similar results. For me, the lesson was that my son was an adult and had made a choice that worked for him (although I couldn't fathom why) and didn't work for me. I didn't stop loving him but for my own sanity, I stopped trying to fix it or even be heard. Slowly, I have to admit, I turned toward what brings me joy and have focused on the support available elsewhere in my life and the interests that bring me peace. My job was to raise my son to the best of my ability. I did that and have let go of any lingering expectations. Whew! Hugs to you...
11
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: confused
December 24, 2019, 05:05:41 pm
Welcome, M. If you are Mary B. in real-life, please change your User Name here so you may remain anonymous. 'Confused' might be a good one. 

We ask all new members to go to our Homepage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement, to be sure WWU is a good fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

I have had serious issues with my eldest son and am so sorry you are experiencing that, as well. What I finally learned the hard way and very slowly over time was that my happiness was up to me...not him. I had expectations that weren't met and so did he. Money is a poor basis for a relationship, isn't it? It can buy contempt and manipulation, among other things. What I finally learned was that my well-being was up to me and there were things that were much worse than estrangement. When I got that, I took my power back. For me, that involved going my own way, alone...making my own friends, and creating a life that suited me. 

That isn't a blueprint. We are all different...but I have been a happy camper for years and would never go back. I'm not perfect, no way, but I matter.

Many hugs!
12
Hi and Welcome. Once our children are grown and have married it seems to me that the rules change. That's what happened to me at least. My eldest son decided everything he didn't like in life was my fault. I won't bore you with all of the details. I tried to convince him I cared but I finally realized I was keeping the game in place. I told him I had done my best and from that date on, his happiness was his responsibility, as an adult. I turned toward what I wanted to focus on and got on with my own life. Once I was off the game board, I missed him. That's the truth. However, I did no miss the conflict and anxiety. That's also the truth. His childhood was mine to manage, his adulthood is his to manage...as is mine. Good luck. This isn't easy.
13
Dear M, The tone of your post both in telling us what we can write and not write and your last statement..."I don't have the motivation to live if I am not valued in my role." indicate that your needs go beyond what we offer on my Website. There are no professionals here to deal with your issues and attitude. In such situations, we suggest one-on-one counseling and sincerely wish you well. Blessings, Luise
14
Grandchildren / Re: Silent treatment from daughter.
September 13, 2019, 09:44:26 am
Welcome, S. I found it really hard to see my grown sons as adults. To me, they are still my 'kids' and probably always will be. What finally work regarding money, was to state when there was no financial crisis, that I had gotten to where I knew I wasn't respecting them as adults when I stepped in and rescued them...and so their next step was going to be to learn to manage their own finances and to face the consequences if they didn't. To that end, I asked not to be advised of their ups and downs any more than I discussed mine with them. No exceptions, ever, and that has worked. It wasn't easy for me at first and my guess is that was true for them, too, but we held our own counsel. It's been many years that their success has been evident. I do comment on that! Hugs...
15
Welcome. We ask all new members to go to our Home Page, and under Read Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We are a monitored Website.

Thank you for your post. It helps so much when someone who has 'been there and done that' shares her experience.

I have edited your post and made a change in your language, our take being if we can figure out the word you meant, it's the same as using that word. Since we didn't know where or how to draw the line on language we opted for passing on anything that might be taken as offensive. I addition, if your User Name reflects a Bible quote please select another name. The reason we are also cautious regarding religious referenced is outlined in our Forum Agreement, as well. We have done our best for the last decade to serve a wide audience respectfully.