March 29, 2024, 05:06:10 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - justanoldgrandma

31
Getting used to no kids visiting me, (well, they'll be at the other foo) but I know this and not gonna mope this time, no!

Already planned:  no tv commercials to watch (ridiculous!)
Will probably get a phone call, card, probably no present...
Told dh he can bbq for me or take me out to dinner.  He'll get me a card, all that I want.  Sometimes flowers.  To a movie if I want!

For the first time, not angry or disappointed!  Yay!

Might try out that new church bc we'll be in town for a change!

(success story!  finally facing facts!)
32
DIL is immature, self-centered, but her foo is so close and pretty much the same as she is!  (Codependent)  There is lots of drama and hard feelings in her foo.....we aren't built that way.  Thank goodness never had the drama of the OP!  We avoid drama a lot!
33
Someone said that the relationships between MILs and DILs have never been easy. 

My mother was critical, mildly, of both her MIL and DIL but her dil was great to her and Mother did share holidays, etc.  Both my father and brother helped their mothers/fathers till death, not neglecting them.  (I wasn't prepared for this conflict to happen to me, being the more neglected parent.)

But although it's difficult, I think most tried to keep a peace, maybe out of necessity. In some cultures the MIL ruled and the new bride had to endure her mistreatment. Not easy. In some farm or town families, still today the bride moves close to her ILs bc her husband is in the family business or they are just in constant proximity.

Maybe there was a lot of silent suffering....
34
One thing I love about this board is that there are such great dils who, unlike the dils on a site I won't mention!, want a good relationship w their ILs and aren't sulking, spoiled young women!  I don't know why my son married one (well, she's beautiful, a strong point to a young man), and (she does have her good points, honestly, sometimes very considerate to us, just used to having her way and being taken care of now by son who is beginning to see he's being worked way too hard while her life is relatively easy)....

(Which is not my business, hard to watch, but it's his life; he chose it and is in it and we honestly stay out of it and dh and I do whatever we can to keep them in our family, giving up a lot....I am taking less "sass" from dil, though, enough!) If son chooses not to change things, it's his own life. I've never said anything against my dil to him or to her and God help me never to.  We keep our opinions to ourselves; thank goodness dh and I can vent to each other.

I feel for the dils who are treated badly by their ILs and go out of their way to try to keep the peace.  I'm glad the dils here realize the stereotype of the mil in the old song, interfering, demanding, downright mean, doesn't apply to all of us!  And it's good to read your stories to remind me that there are kind, considerate young women out there! (I have a friend whose dil is "difficult" so she and her dh have "adopted" a young family for holidays, etc, who love having substitute parents.)

I won't have Mother's Day, of course, except w dh and I am grateful for him.
35
I'm confused about why my sons are so willing to let their wives be in control, going along w whatever the wife wants; they didn't learn that from their father! DH was and still is assertive about what he wants, never did tolerate being told what to do, has some temper, will take a lot from people but doesn't let himself be pushed around (he was and is good to them and to me; just not a pushover; maybe an old-fashioned type guy.)

I, however, was passive and would accept his decisions (I've become more assertive w him w age!) Maybe our sons got the "accepting" nature from me?!  Someone suggested that to me; they sure didn't marry someone "like dear old mom" as the song goes.

One son did change w marriage; becoming reclusive from the beginning, always defending wife's secretive nature (I learned later it was abusive, mentally); he wasn't submissive before; it took years for him to leave her although he is still very kind in his talk of her.  He's not a critical person at all, though.

Other son was always submissive to his serious gfs which explains why he accepted his wife's "my way or no way" from the beginning. Her attachment to her FOO (a very codependent family) prevented any holidays w us;I finally spoke to ds & he was surprised; (he had said she said the girl always wins & I think thought it was cute (she's the princess type, used to getting her way.) Now he is aware of the holiday thing & we do get some weekends; we don't fight it;she even acknowledges it, which helps the hurt; they didn't think we minded?!  It became the "squeaky wheel" and dh and I had been too accommodating.

Like yours, Pen, our son does tend to agree w what his wife says/does, defends her even though we're careful not to criticize (he's catching on and does make remarks which she ignores); they both make excuses when their children misbehave, but dh and I are old-school and they read the books, ya know!  We bite our tongues bc we don't want to lose what we have; we all get along though dil is snippy (with everyone); I'm in the practice of "doesn't bother me."

DH is hurt by son's not listening to his advice and the wife's and children's behavior but doesn't ruminate or try to figure it out; I'm trying.

Yes, son should be more assertive in saying, we're going to spend more holidays w MY folks; he could....so I don't blame dil as much as I did (in her FOO, all the women rule....)It's still our son who could insist, who is starting to understand he is in for a lot, but it's up to him.

Sons sometimes will do what they must to make wives happy, even when they do sometimes stop to understand inequities; life can be pretty unhappy at home if he rebels; my dh is much less sensitive to my moods and I don't demand.....so guess son has my nature, darn it!

36
Jenny, I don't have a problem such as yours, but I admire your strength to change how you are being treated.  I, too, put the wants and needs of dh and children above my own as I had been taught in my generation.  So of course I got what i was asking for:  the lion's share of the work; but I was appreciated and loved so I didn't think to say, "Now when you get another family (dil's FOO), don't forget your dear old mom and dad!"

So during the courtship and wedding and all, dh and I were, "Whatever you want is fine w us" which was untrue but we wanted to make everyone else happy.  Yes, we taught dil how to treat us; as the last to be considered.  After all, that's what we had said!  We had counted on her to consider us as much as her own FOO.

We are considerate people who would never leave our ILs in such a lurch; the other FOO has never had to share or sacrifice for new spouses, so they don't get it and neither does dil.  Finally Martyr Me spoke to ds briefly, and smart as he is, he got it..... he's trying to make things more equal (there is no way it ever will be), even telling his dw so, and he does feel bad about it...... I never wanted him to feel guilty; but his eyes had to be opened that we DO care!   So we do get more consideration but at the same time, like the rest, I have to realize that "it is what it is" and live with the good life I have otherwise.
37
"I don't know one person who has shut out or cut off family that it wasn't well deserved."

I totally disagree with that; many parents/gps are cut off that are not dsyfunctional; all it takes is lack of consideration, jealousy, competitiveness......there are so many "reasons" for a cut off other than the person "well deserving" to be.
38
If the gentleman who wrote his post and then locked it is still on the forum, I hope he comes back...... I was so glad to read his perspective bc he said so many things that I would love to hear from my ds; it explains why ds gives in as he does, that he is hurt by not getting to spend holidays with us...... in his case, it's bc he loves his wife, can't fight a huge IL family and his wife's insisting/sulking/tantrums.....bc he loves his dd and will preserve his family; he was raised to put his nuclear family first but his dw puts her FOO first most of the time; whenever the FOO wants something, it happens w/o ds being consulted.....

DS never saw me be the controller in our family, sulking, bossing; he certainly didn't marry a woman like his dear old dad married, as the song goes...... somehow he didn't know there were selfish and bossy girls out there; he was naive when he met his "sweet" wife (she can still be sweet when she wants to); he married too fast, not seeing what he was getting into; "love is blind";.... he is a sensitive and kind guy.

DS is getting the drift w/o our interference; he no longer is going along w/o realizing what is happening...... gradually some bitterness is creeping into some of his comments; I wish controlling ladies would realize winning doesn't always equal their dhs loving and respecting them as much as being kind.

August, I won't go into your post point by point but I can tell you were hurt by your dh and his family; thus your opinions are based on your life's experiences........

Yes, a son can sometimes fight his wife, go visit his FOO and let her go to her FOO; but she will undoubtedly take the children with her.  DSs realize that and I, for one, don't want my ds and dil being split up so I give in (although not asked!) and don't complain to them although we are left alone.  I would love the entire family to want to see us, dil included, and gd, too....... with dil wanting to see us; but that won't happen bc her FOO rules.  So ds is torn, gradually realizing he is missing his own FOO in order to please his dw.

Yes, I was raised to let the dhs be the deciders although I always worked while raising the children.  Gradually I have become more assertive and dh has adjusted to my "feistier" attitude; we make decisions together.  We raised our son to be kind, respectful to his dw and her FOO; dil was taught that the woman rules and we see that in her FOO; the men's opinions don't count; it's a woman's world in that FOO.

BTW, if both FOOs are kind and giving, there is no reason they can't be friends with each other or why the dh or dw can't be friends with the other FOO; mutual respect and consideration can result in friendship.

I hate to see the Guy lock his post bc we clearly need a man's perspective.  Will look up Luise's site of men's perspectives that she posted that was designed by Kirk.

Hope the Guy wasn't made to feel unwelcome by any of us.
39
I have gotten on and off FB a couple of times bc it just bothers me; I never post anything about myself or family bc of fear of strangers (they can hack in, ya know!) and also bc I don't want to "butt in" on the young folks' goings-on (ILs.)  So i just "like" some photos and stick w the older gals my age, making any post I read about their kids/health, etc.  I don't comment on IL's posts bc it seems an invasion of her privacy; I much prefer emails......

I'm sure you can't block MIL!  (You could always claim it's a mistake, but that wouldn't work, I know.) 

I know some people get off when it causes trouble of some sort; guess they consider their peace and privacy more important than the social side; and when there's a MIL knowing all your business, well....!  I do some IMs to friends as well as email bc I want nothing in my personal life on there for my friends who include tricky relationships...... (I know, that's the purpose of FB!) 

I pretend that I know nothing about anyone's activities that I feel might be offended when I'd say, "Heard you were at a party the other night!"  Ignorance is bliss!
40
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: The Holidays
December 26, 2011, 10:05:57 AM
Quote from: tryingmybest on December 26, 2011, 05:49:55 AM
We had the sons and wives on Christmas Eve, worked hard to make it as beautiful a Christmas celebration as I could. While I'm slaving in the kitchen have to listen to their plans for "Christmas". One son even has to ask, well what are you and Dad going to do tomorrow ? Today the other one posted on Facebook  how much fun they had with family up North, hers not his, not a word about Christmas Eve, I just feel like the knife's been twisted once too often, got the same response after our Thanksgiving Friday get together. I've given up the holidays graciously, slid into the fourth place in importance slot without so much as a grumble, and is it to much to expect some appreciation? I'm just hurt and tired, and know if I say one word it'll push them away, it's almost as though they are trying to goad me into it.

I could have written this post.  I am swearing not to look at FB except to go to my gmail account to see if anyone posted to me.  Not gonna look up dil's or her foo's accounts (I am friends but rarely post, just "like" sometimes);  it hurts a lot to see how much fun everyone had and all the pics of our gs w everyone but dh and me.  (We were alone as always except for each other, for which I thank God.)  It's just taken for granted that the ILs will have the holidays and no way to change it; written in stone..... so dh and I do our own thing (always thinking!)

We had a dinner a while ago to accommodate the IL's tradition and their friends' get-togethers but of course that isn't mentioned on FB; and I'm not one to put pics and posts on about our get-togethers (I find it rather bragging ((see how much fun we had)).)  This is not putting down anyone who does FB; it's just the way I feel, probably the poor me syndrome bc we aren't mentioned in dil's life (ds doesn't post at all; too busy at work and at home.)

But it shouldn't matter to me; I don't need to know what the ILs did; DH and I know we enjoyed what time we did have together, ds and gs know, and I just won't torture myself to see what others did.......

41
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: The Holidays
December 26, 2011, 04:38:53 AM
Yes, Trying, I'm glad it's over bc of sons not being here but we got out and it was pleasant although strange (Chinese restaurant, only one open, thus the tradition of eating Chinese on Christmas!)....... gotta do something when darkness falls, though; take a nighttime walk or get out and do something; or try to go to bed early; love the summer when it stays light till 9.....

I have to count blessings:  family that i did see earlier, a dh who sticks by me!, dh's family that lives a state away that accepted our phone calls!, ds who called 3 times from foo & wished he were w us despite the activity at his dw's foo!, a luncheon to attend later in the week, an exercise class later in the week to go to, and a neighborhood New Year's party!  And I complain! 

Luise, I love your Miracle listing; I'm afraid dh is too "practical" or whatever to do that; maybe I could get him to write something!  And if not, I'll do it myself!  I need to start earlier than New Year's, though..... and when I'm in a good mood!
42
Daughter in Law's or Son in Law's Parents / Re: Jealousy
December 25, 2011, 06:54:35 AM
Quote from: catchingup on December 21, 2011, 10:56:35 AM

What amazes me about this whole situation with the FOO families is this.
If my son and  D.I.L were spending more time with us than the other parents I would encourage them to visit the other family more often
People are so self centered it boggles my mind.

When a friend asked why our family doesn't come for holidays, they are amazed how many years have passed since they were here (always at dil's foo.)  Never any alternating.

The friend said how selfish of the other FOO to assume only they are important and that my dil is uncaring that we are alone at holidays.  DS has been told this is the way it will be always, back when he fell for her.  I think he finally is catching on; we get more visits but I never want a contest of "we win" which we wouldn't anyway. 

It is amazing that some families think their long-standing traditions override anyone else's feelings........it's rather a clique!  I never neglected my ILs like this and neither did my parents....... strange how gparents even at an advanced age and their AC and all never think about the "outsiders."

A friend of mine "adopted" a family that has no functional family; they receive the visits and dinners and love that her AS now is jealous of their relationship bc he has followed the orders of his dw; he finally has increased his visits.....

When we move on, we are happier and the AC sometimes come around.  But for now I have my dh and I am so fortunate to have him! 
43
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: AS and AD hurtful
December 25, 2011, 06:32:53 AM
You seem to have thought things out well and I like that you didn't let your dd go on to berate you, guilt trip, etc.  She does seem troubled (a clever game she was playing in the kitchen, wanting your attention and wanting to confuse you) and she is fortunate to have the bf.  It's good that you had a good Christmas and that your son was more sober! 

It's great to have a good holiday!

Keep your resolve not to let them guilt trip you and not enable them with more money; and to refuse to let them make you feel guilty or bad about anything!  They will have to grow up and you have done your job!
44
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: DR.PHIL
December 25, 2011, 06:22:36 AM
I have had a couple of counselors over the years to deal with depression and anxiety.  My childhood was asked about and then dropped.  I wasn't doted over as many children today; my father was busy, my mother had some issues from HER childhood of being not treated so lovingly; she was raised in the Depression and it affected her greatly; she couldn't let it go; so sometimes she wasn't the kindest or most caring......

But one wise old counselor said that parents do the best they can and raise their children many times as they were raised and not to blame them (let the past go.)

I swore I would be more loving than that; that our home would be more fun-filled.  Fortunately my dh, though raised in a poor family, could forget any temper explosions of his father and remembers mainly the good times; he helped me a lot to not be as stern and to be more loving than I was raised; he spoiled the boys sometimes more than I was used to, so he and I balanced out well.....

When i look back on my childhood (and I wasn't abused) I can understand my parents better and not hold things against them.  They are gone and I miss them.

This is long-winded; the main point is probably my second paragraph!
45
I, too, veto your having to go to the family Christmas.  It would be hard to hear the family blaming the mother for wanting out.

Is there anyone in the family or friends of the dm who could steer her toward getting the legal and financial help she should be entitled to?  You are well aware of the disaster that can accompany a divorce and she does need help; someone needs to get her in touch w help if she hasn't gotten it for herself; i don't know if you want to or can do this, but someone needs to.

It's good of you to care for the dm and you are right to have things straightened out before contemplating marrying again.  Smart lady!