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QuoteI think some Mils, and Dils, are prideful in that way they hold grudges and can't move forward. I think accepting this b  I truly hope to have a son, because I basically know exactly what not to do with DIL. SILS freak  me out more for some reason.

Yes... I am sure that you do and will be the best MIL ever... and I sincerely hope you get your wish. 

In fact, I may have just had somewhat of an epiphany, although I have thought this before.  We love our boys.. we raised them, but let's face it..  sometimes boys (now men) are prone to not wanting to take the blame for anything.. especially from their wives.. so who better than to shift it on to mommy and let the wife think he is the way he is because he was raised by some crazy woman.  I know my son did this..  "I'm _________________ fill in the blank...  Because my mother never, always, didn't, wouldn't, would, did.. XYZ!     It was much easier than to accept any blame.. AND of course he had a willing and eager believer in his wife..  Because, it fit her agenda and what she wanted to believe.  So it's not always the DIL who is the whole fault..  I think our sons contribute to the problem by not being honest.. and owning their own behavior.

Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 05:06:19 PM
I'm sorry, I thought your dil was still in your life somehow... but sadly no my DH does not see his mom that way, he says she was always mean to him in his childhood saying hurtful things to him and that they never had a good relationship, although she did raise him. It's not something that makes me sneakily happy heck maybe if they did get along we wouldn't be in this situation! I see her clear in some ways but other parts no that's why I would think she had some type of  personality disorder.

Well. Having a child, you will learn that's what kids do..   It's much easier to blame someone else for our problems or shortcomings, than to take responsibility.  There comes a time in life that we have to stop blaming mommy and put on our big boy pants.. Right?

Yeah Monroe.... Karma bites like a bedbug.

Quote from: Stilllearning on July 10, 2015, 08:09:47 AM
So is it wrong to hope that my DIL has a son?  I want her to understand my point of view and I do not think she ever will if she keeps producing daughters!

Not at all..... MY son and his wife have one girl and TWO boys... means two DILS for her.. hehehehehehehehe

Quote from: Monroe on July 10, 2015, 07:52:01 AM

Quote from: gettingoldandcranky on July 10, 2015, 06:31:44 AM


Only worse thought is that maybe he DID stand up for us, and she cares so little for what even HE thinks that she STILL treats us this way.  Either way, her cold treatment of us has damaged our relationship with him. 

Which is so sad, as he was the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world.  I miss him.

Monroe - hope i quoted you correctly.  this is exactly how i feel.  after yrs of cold DIL, our DS just goes along and tells me I'm wrong when i call her out.  so i have just given up and now keep my mouth shut.  but i do, always, miss the sweet boy and adult and the love that he showed to us before DIL took over.  will never understand the why

Yes, you quoted me correctly.  The only difference in our situations is that my DH and I never called her out.  We have just pretended for years that everything is fine.  It is exhausting to be around either of them with that elephant in the room.   

It is a no-win situation, as you have discovered.   DIL is rude, MIL calls her out, DS gets mad at MIL.  OR . . .  DIL is rude, MIL and FIL say nothing, DS does nothing. 

Either result is unsatisfactory.  The only advantage to our approach is that DS cannot tell us we are wrong, because we have never said anything.  That is only very small satisfaction. 

It is exhausting to be around either of them - the best has been to move on with our own lives - do the things we couldn't afford to do when raising a family - I don't think things will ever change with them.   My loss.
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It's not just your loss Monroe.. it's your son's loss too... but he just doesn't realize it yet..  He will someday.. and it will be very painful for him.  That's sad.   That was one of the things I have told my two sons..  You only get one mom.. and you are free to treat her how you choose while she is alive..  hopefully you treat her well... cuz.. there's no do overs.. and the guilt will be enormous.  I know.. I wish every day I could talk to my mom.. and say how sorry I am for things I did or didn't do.. 

Seems so much like a double standards.  When a woman loves her mom and dad and wants to spend time with them.. that's just fine... and normal.   When her husband does.. he's a mommas boy.. or immature  or brainwashed or any combination.  I have been reading different forums for years.  It appears that nearly all the husbands have had mean mothers and horrible upbringings.   Not to say that some don't, but ALL of them?  So it brings me to the question..  Just what happens to women when they give birth to males that turns them into manipulative shrews?  Maybe it's the influx of male fetal hormones?  Just a thought..  lol!!!

The one thing that I am thankful for regarding my son's wife is that she is a wonderful mother.  The kids are cared for, fed, see a doctor, get all sorts of family outings and are enrolled in lots of different activities..  No complaints about that at all.  They are lucky kids. 

Quote from: Lillycache on July 09, 2015, 04:26:47 PM

Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 04:00:52 PM
Lily C, I do respect my mil. But there came a point where I REALLY & TRULY hated her. I think it was just a phase and I was angry around that time. Now, I don't hate her , I only feel sorry for her that she cannot be happy . Hating her was NOT worth it and a waste of time. It only allowed her to have power over me. 

If you don't mind my asking why your dil hated you so much? Did you two have a disagreement where it blew up into bigger problems? Or was she truly one of those dil's who only wanted your ds for herself?

Pooh, I can TOTALLY admit that I don't take ANYTHING personally from my mom . The thing is , I put my mom on a VERY high pedastool. I consider her an angel from heaven above and I brag about her to everyone. That's why I could never understand how my dh mom could be like this! and it would frusterate me so much that she was the COMPLETE opposite , it was a big shock to me honestly.  But now its all about accepting and letting go .

It doesn't really matter to me why my son's wife hated me. or hates me.  It is a nonissue for me now..  It mattered at one time.. but no longer does.. She is out of my life forever..

As for you loving your mother so.... and putting her on a pedestal... perhaps your future husband may feel that way about his mom?  Would that be so horrible and unfathomable?   He has shown you that he does not see the things you are seeing in his mom.. are you seeing her clearly..??

Sorry.. I mixed you up with another poster.. I meant your husband...  not future husband..

at any rate,  I wish you well.   Situations like this are difficult.   There are no winners in things like this.  Just unhappiness and eventual resentment.   

Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 04:00:52 PM
Lily C, I do respect my mil. But there came a point where I REALLY & TRULY hated her. I think it was just a phase and I was angry around that time. Now, I don't hate her , I only feel sorry for her that she cannot be happy . Hating her was NOT worth it and a waste of time. It only allowed her to have power over me. 

If you don't mind my asking why your dil hated you so much? Did you two have a disagreement where it blew up into bigger problems? Or was she truly one of those dil's who only wanted your ds for herself?

Pooh, I can TOTALLY admit that I don't take ANYTHING personally from my mom . The thing is , I put my mom on a VERY high pedastool. I consider her an angel from heaven above and I brag about her to everyone. That's why I could never understand how my dh mom could be like this! and it would frusterate me so much that she was the COMPLETE opposite , it was a big shock to me honestly.  But now its all about accepting and letting go .

It doesn't really matter to me why my son's wife hated me. or hates me.  It is a nonissue for me now..  It mattered at one time.. but no longer does.. She is out of my life forever..

As for you loving your mother so.... and putting her on a pedestal... perhaps your future husband may feel that way about his mom?  Would that be so horrible and unfathomable?   He has shown you that he does not see the things you are seeing in his mom.. are you seeing her clearly..?? 

QuoteSome things are universal personality traits/ dysfunctions, unless you think OP is making this up or coloring things to her benefit?

I'm not saying she is... but I'm not saying she isn't..  Don't most people color things to their benefit?..   And even on forums such as these... the responses are predictable..  depending on what side of the fence a person calls home.   

Quote from: Green Thumb on July 09, 2015, 04:53:27 AM
Again, everything you write shows a difficult, mean woman. It is not about you and you can't change it. You will find more examples of her competition and hateful comments as time goes by. This is how it is and there is nothing you can do but avoid her and protect yourself and accept her behavior as reality. It won't change and she will never be nice. It's not about you so don't take it personally.

How can you be so sure about this?  Do you know the other side of the story?  There usually are three sides..  The two parties involved....... and the truth.     Every single one of us filters the truth to fit our personal agenda to some degree.. I fully admit to that..  My truth certainly differs from my DILs truth..  It doesn't mean one or the other is lying... it simply means they experience the reality of the situation differently. 

Quote from: love3 on July 09, 2015, 12:02:38 AM
Still learning I will definitely keep those in mind,  I think it's alittle easier to deal with her KNOWING her words can't hurt me by the mean comments she makes towards me. BUT I will never let her cross the line that I have drawn for her.  It sucks it has to be this way,  but we all come across mean rude and bitter people, I'm just not used to FINDING ways to deal with one/her!

Thank you! all for the advice, it helps to know other people can relate to my situation and what I go through

   I had a very good relationship with my late MIL... I loved her dearly  and I respected her..  BUT I can relate to having a DIL that hated me...  SO in some way... I completely understand the situation you are in.   Hugs to you...  hope you can navigate it better than mine did.     

Quote from: BlueLotus on July 08, 2015, 02:22:14 PM
If you don't mind me asking, what happened between you two to reach that solution?
I think it's important for adult children to be with their foo on holidays, but I also think it's important for a marriage and family to have a few of their own traditions as well. My parents divorced when I was young and holidays had to be split up because of this. I hated that growing up. My father only stuck around a few years after the divorce. But I still had to go visit my gma on his side without my mother on Christmas eve and my sister, brother and I hated it. My Dfh grew to really hate his gma. I don't want to give up so quickly, but I don't want to have expectations from her emotionally either. When do you call it quits?

Actually,   She and my son were married for 10 years and had 3 kids when the split happened.  Up until that point, I believed that everything was fine between us.  The split happened when I stupidly sent her a friend request on FB and she didn't respond.  When I asked her why, she blew up like a roman candle and began reciting all the horrible things that I had supposedly done and said over a 10 year period.  Things I had no idea were a problem.. Words led to words... there was an enormous argument.  She said things to me that I can NEVER forgive her for.. and that was the end..  She will never be  allowed in my home again.  Nearly a year went by without me seeing my grand kids.. This really bothered my son.. and I  don't know what transpired between them, or what agreement they reached, and I have never asked,  but he began bringing the kids over, and he began splitting up the holidays between her and her family.. and he and the kids and us.   I never begged him too.. I was well prepared to never see him again.. and he knows me well enough to know I meant it.    It's been working fine..

Quote from: BlueLotus on July 08, 2015, 12:16:40 PM
I think that solution is probably what will eventually happen. I just don't think it's fair or right to split up a family on holidays to make others happy. My dfh hates going anywhere without me on holidays. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with spending holidays away from my own children just because fMIL doesn't want a good relationship with me.. My DFH and I always talk about how great it would be to host our own thanksgivings, and Christmas'.I remember us mentioning that at her house one day, and she glared and walked out of the room. I don't understand why. It does not make any sense to me. Isn't that what couples talk about?

Well, as I said, it's not a solution everyone can reach... It works for us because my son wants to maintain relationship with his FOO too..  and it wasn't possible with her and I..    I DO give her credit for being adult enough to realize that it was important for her husband and children to maintain a relationship with his side of the family.. despite the fact that she and I will never be able to get along.    As I said.. it may not work for everyone, but does for us.