November 28, 2020, 03:02:16 am

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - raindrops_on_my_soul

1
Grandchildren / Torn
May 21, 2019, 09:35:27 am
Hello everyone,

 I am writing today to talk about my grandson. Neither me or my son have been welcome in his life due to his mother and her family. We have only been able to see him a few times when he was a baby so there have been no opportunities for a relationship to develop. At the time that she became pregnant her and my son and her were living together. This was 15 years ago so many years have passed now. But this girls mother did not approve of the relationship and created influences that made things untenable, so by the time she gave birth to my grandson that relationship had ended. As I said we tried to keep communication open and did what we would to no avail. The only choice left was to stop trying and give up, which we did. She married someone a short time later and that man took the role of father and we never heard a word from them in all these years. Not one bit of interest was expressed in us or having the child develop any kind of relationship with us. A few months ago she contacted my son and said that her marriage  was not going well and they had separated. She said my grandson wanted to know my son and communicate with him. So it began. Some phone calls between them, mostly text messages but it was a beginning so that was nice. I started texting him too slowly to ease into things. I told him he was free to contact me anytime he wanted. But not once has he initiated any word with me. When I do reach out all I get are one word answers. At first I thought it was because he is shy and has some social issues going on. But then I found out that he actually does initiate texts and conversations with my son, even sending pictures and such so I can't blame it on that. I have been patient and waited for him to maybe develop some interest in me but that has not happened and it's been over 6 months now. I was considering going to see him when my son does this summer but now I'm not so sure that is the best thing. I don't want to chase something that isn't there and everything be one sided. I would like for there to be at least a hint of interest on his part but I don't see any. I am also thinking of me here because I don't want one sided relationships, I have had enough of those to last me a lifetime. It is also a rather long trip to make and I would be ok with that but not if it is going to be a trip no one wants but me. Thoughts anyone?
2
I know exactly how you feel because as a mom of two sons I get the same treatment. It's a very hard pill to swallow when you see the kids you raised and love so much treating you no better than an acquaintance  (until they need something.) When we rarely hear from them and they express no interest in our lives and make no attempt to visit and keep us included in get togethers and so on......the sting of that is incredibly painful. Even more so when you know you have done more and sacrificed more than any other person has and then you get treated so indifferently. It just isn't right and all of us here know it. I do feel the wives have a hand in this because they could include us if it were in their heart to do so. These women don't seem to have a heart at all when it comes to us (the guys family). I think they are quite controlling and don't want us around because we represent something to them that they interpret as threatening. Therefore they do everything they can to keep us at bay and out of the picture. Now I do believe ultimately the responsibility lies with our sons to keep us involved and make sure we aren't excluded. There was a time when I thought  mine might step up and do that but it has yet to happen and I finally got fed up with harboring illusions. I no longer expect that it will ever change and have made adjustments within myself so that I am not going around sad and upset about it, at least not most of the time. I do have my days though when I just can't help it, especially around the holidays when I know their time will be spent with her family and we will come second if at all. We all know people make time for what is important to them. Their actions, or lack of, have spoken volumes. I do get tired of always being the one to reach out or go by to visit but I know that is the only way I will see them. At at the end of the day though we have to accept that there's nothing we can do to change another's heart and we have to learn to take care of and be good to ourselves. Coming here to this wonderful place has had a huge hand in helping me get there. Just knowing I can come here and express myself if I need to or just read and give input has been very cathartic. My thoughts are with you, please check in often!
3
As a mom I cannot imagine expecting or wanting to be involved or included in such a sensitive and private matter where my sons are concerned. It wouldn't be my place to tell them how often they should or shouldn't be having sex. That, to me, just sounds truly bizarre. I think some things are best left to the couple to deal with and I think this is one of them.
4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Christmas gift giving
December 05, 2018, 09:19:02 am
I have been having a bit of a hard time lately as I usually do around the holidays. Every year it's the same old thing. I am always put on the back burner while my son who lives locally celebrates with his wifes family. Christmas day is spent there and they don't come out on Christmas eve either. I am not invited to go spend any time there. Gift exchanging with me has to take place when it isn't interfering with their plans and never with her family present. I am always at the bottom of the rung even though I have done more for him than any human alive. Loans, forget it.......he comes to me for that because her family doesn't have it to loan. If a babysitter is needed for her children ( not my sons ) they only come to me when her family isn't available because otherwise it hurts her families feelings. What about my feelings though, I wonder. I suppose I'm not supposed to have any of those. I feel that if I am not viewed as a member of the family that they want to spend time with during the holidays, why would they want to exchange gifts. And my son that lives out of state never does anything, not even a card. I always make sure that him and my granddaughters have gifts for Christmas but he doesn't even give a card nor does he have the girls call and thank me for my thoughtfulness. The thank you only comes from him and it doesn't seem very genuine. It feels more like it's what he expects of me because it's what I've always done. Nothing about any of it feels good or right anymore, hasn't for a long time. Truthfully, I have nothing to lose by stopping the effort because they haven't given me anything to hold onto. I think this may be the last year I do any gift giving and may not even do it this year. I am tired of the nonsense and the terrible feeling it brings, which is the opposite of what it should be. I don't feel like I'm being true to myself by keeping after it.
5
Got it! Thank you for your help :)
6
Thank you for your responses. It means so much to know you are here to listen  :)
7
Ok, thank you for your response!
8
I'm really not sure where this belongs but wanted to say that for some reason my usual username is not working. When I go to log in with my username ( raindrops_on_my_soul ) it says username doesn't exist even though it does. I had to register again with a new one.