August 15, 2020, 12:25:02 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Bamboo2

31
Hello, JoJo, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

JoJo, know that you are not alone.  Others here have been in similar circumstances.  Our archives are full of their stories, and maybe you can gain comfort from reading some of them.  Hopefully others will post who have been through something similar to yours.  I think that there is more pain when there are young grandchildren involved. 

My heart goes out to you and your young granddaughter.  (((Hugs )))
32
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 27, 2018, 03:49:56 pm
I love all the support here.  I have tears in my eyes reading the wonderful words of encouragement.  There is so much wisdom to be gleaned from all of you.  You ladies rock!
33
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Easter
March 27, 2018, 11:06:27 am
Awww...sorry for what you're going through.  These holidays can do a number on us, and just serve as a stark reminder of the distance between us and our AC. For me, the traditions associated with the holidays have felt hollow when the ones who would enjoy them were not present. When my DD was absent, it just made me imagine all the fun she was having with that "chosen" family.  In your situation,  I'm wondering if some of the traditions can change now.  Maybe the baskets and hunts don't need to continue, and you can reshape the holiday to something that is uplifting to you.  In your shoes, I might ask myself what would really make the day special for me.  Or even less difficult. You could "retire" from hosting holiday festivities if you feel like you alone are carrying them out, ask for help, have someone else host, or do something entirely different. 

Hugs...
34
Hello, my2girls, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

Sorry for the issues you've been dealing with.  It sure sounds exhausting. It reminds me a little of the previous relationship my own now-23 year old daughter had for four years, minus the child.  She and her BF did not live with us, but we put up with a lot of drama just to keep a relationship going with her.  She, however, only wanted to be with him and his family.  I begged her to spend more time with us, inviting the BF (although my husband and I could see all the red flags she couldn't or wouldn't) just so she would agree to come over.  Then when he started to become abusive to her and actually threatened my husband with violence, we told her we only wanted to see her and not him, nor even hear about him anymore. We didn't see her nearly as much, and she had to figure out a lot of things about him on her own.  When WE tried to tell her our opinions about him it just made her cling to him more tightly and made my husband and me the bad guys. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to placate her and have her join us at any cost.  She had to either value her time with us or not - I feel like I lost some self-respect in the process of constantly chasing her and expecting a close relationship.  I definitely spent a lot of time in tears.

After enough cold treatment from my daughter, I finally got angry enough that I made a decision not to accept that kind of treatment from her ever again, and I told her so. When I decided that I was going to be happy with or without her, even if it meant we wouldn't have a relationship at all, things began to change for me.  Sure, I would invite her to some family events sometimes, but not make a big deal about it or have any expectations that she would join in.  And actually, when she was rude, I actually had more peace and enjoyment when she wasn't around.  Your daughter may value her time with family when she has some time away and you aren't trying so hard to keep the relationship going.  It might be hard to step back, but she knows you love her and it might be time for you to get some well-deserved peace in your life.  In your shoes, I wouldn't give that BF the time of day.  His temper seems frightening and he seems very disrespectful.  I want and deserve a safe, calm home.  You deserve that, too.

None of this was easy, and that relationship lasted four long years, but it's finally behind her and she has found a new guy who brings out much better qualities in her, even helping her to see how adult children should treat their parents.  We still don't see each other all that much, but she knows we love her. 

Wishing you all the best... 
35
Welcome, Jehanne.  Glad to hear you're feeling better.  There are some great posts on this site that have surely helped me keep things in perspective when I was in the "briar patch" of confusion and despondence.  Luise has provided us a safe place to give and receive support from each other as we share our experiences and lessons learned.  So glad you're here.  Sorry about the relationship with GS, but he's young and time will tell.  Hugs!
36
Such great news, Oma!  I hope you have a wonderful time.  I always felt that time away was a great gift to give to myself and my husband.  Keep in touch.  Hugs  ;D
37
Hi SunnyD,
Welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go the our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to make sure WWU is a fit. We're a monitored Website.

My heart goes out to you.  I've faced a young adult daughter who was in an abusive relationship, and once we found out what was going on, we made a decision to stop seeing him or even hearing any more about him.  I told my daughter that I couldn't continue to give a free pass to someone who had made her life so difficult.  She didn't like it, but she eventually decided she did want a relationship with us.  There was always that "elephant in the room" when we were together with her, but our overall existence (mine and my husband's) was much more peaceful without knowing the drama that continued for four long years till she finally left him.  As much as we desperately wanted her to leave him, she had to do it in her own time.  There were lessons she had to learn, and she finally did.  She became strong and even called the police, later getting a restraining order when she was ready to make the final break. 

There was a lot of tumultuousness in her relationship with him, and it impacted her relationship with us, too.  She had a  certain amount of loyalty to him and kept trying to "save" him, so sometimes we became the bad guys, so to speak.  But we were firm about our boundaries.  We made it clear that we were not going to see him or hear about him again, that his behavior was unacceptable, and her choices were not going to affect our lives. 

Your situation differs from mine in regard to your DIL's young child.  If I were in your shoes, I would let your son know about your concerns about DIL's abusive behavior (throwing and breaking things counts) and that as an adult, he has a responsibility to keep his stepdaughter safe no matter what.  No child deserves to be afraid or maltreated in their own home.

If your son distances himself from you, know that he is probably trying to figure things out.  She may be trying to manipulate him against you.  It has nothing to do with you.  My husband and I had to continually focus on ourselves and go on with our own lives, concentrating on enjoying ourselves and being with others who supported us and brought us joy. 

All the best to you.   
38
Grab Bag / Re: 91st Birthday
March 10, 2018, 11:09:25 am
That's just what we all are thinking  :)

:D  Hugs  :D
39
Grab Bag / Re: 91st Birthday
March 09, 2018, 07:27:27 am
Congratulations, Luise, and a very happy birthday to you!  You continually grace us with your caring words of wisdom and comfort, and your birthday is a day all of us on WWU should celebrate  :D
40
Yay for you, AM flautist!  You're turning a corner and we're all here rooting for you!  It feels so good to walk around with a new lightness.  I think we all have to learn how to let go in small and big ways.  For me, one big turning point was getting rid of old journal entries that were written in anger or sadness.  I used to revisit them time and again and it led to me reliving those events and feelings, sort of like PTSD.  I could even feel my body tense up and my heart start racing and my breath suspended.  Now I choose to turn the page and remove the negativity.  It's healing and liberating.

You will survive this and face a new direction.  So happy for you  :D
41
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
February 21, 2018, 02:23:42 pm
Hi Oma,
As I was thinking about your post yesterday, I ran across this post from a member named Pooh, a former moderator who touched a lot of people on this site over the several years she was active here.  She came to a point of acceptance of her situation.  She has lots of great posts, and this last one was very meaningful to me.  It shows me that there is a good life beyond adult children who turn away.  Maybe this will be of some comfort to you, too. 

((Hugs))

https://www.wisewomenunite.com/index.php/topic,7634.msg78194.html#msg78194
42
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Conflicted
February 20, 2018, 04:42:11 pm
Hello, Frustrated Oma, and welcome to WWU!  We ask all new members to go to the Home Page and read the posts under Read Me First.  Please pay particular attention to our Forum Agreement to be sure that WWU is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

I'm so glad that you found us.  So sorry to read about the situation with your son and DIL.  Sadly, there are many moms who have experienced something similar and equally bewildering.  The archives here are full of their stories.  Maybe you can gain some comfort from them. 

There is probably no good answer as to why they are treating you this way.  In my own DD's case, she thought we were too strict, she wanted to be with her BF's family who all thought she walked on water and was supposed to "rescue" the BF from his myriad bad life choices, and she was being financially and emotionally controlled by him.  It was easy to blame us and reject us as we would still probably always be there, in her mind.  He, on the other hand, was playing manipulative games with her so that she would continually choose him and his family over ours.  In fact, she had to get "permission" to do anything with our family.  That doesn't excuse her choices, but may have explained them.  All I felt, though, was hurt and rejection.  Where was my loving daughter who had always said she would take care of us in our old age?  Nowhere to be found.

For my own peace of mind, I had to back away and change my focus to the only thing I could control, which was my own life.  After chasing her for way too long, I finally started  to create my own joy in life.  I found other young people who valued my presence in their lives, found a new hobby with my husband, found this forum and kept reading and posting till I felt that I had a blueprint for going forward, with or without this daughter of mine. 

Now things have improved with her, she's in a new relationship and there is hope.  But it was four years of ups and downs until I finally understood that I really could live without her in my life if it meant giving up my self-respect just to have some semblance of a relationship.  I gained a lot of support on this site, and I hope that you will, too. 
43
Hi Amflautist,
So sorry to hear about your situation.  For me, there was a grieving process that couldn't really be short-circuited.  But then I got angry, mostly at myself, for losing my self-repect in the process of trying to keep a relationship going no matter how I was treated by my DD.  Besides letting her go to live her own life and disengaging from knowing what was going on there, I nurtured a couple of relationships with young adult women who really valued me in their lives.  That was transforming, and really helped me understand that none of my DD's behavior toward me was really about me and it certainly should not have defined me.  I also had WWU, both posting and reading old threads, to help me, especially in weak moments when I was in the abyss, or in doubt about what I was doing or not doing with respect to my DD.  Tremendously supportive!  I wish you well in this transition.  I could feel your strength in your writing, and with time and change of focus, I believe you will weather this as have so many women here :)  It WILL get better!
44
Welcome, Dazed!  Sorry for the experience you're going through.  It hurts not to be a part of important events in our dear adult children's lives.  That was the case with my young adult daughter.  It took a couple of years for me to get used to her choices to be other places for holidays or other special events and not take it out on her or drown in my sorrow.  I had to be conscious about being grateful for whoever was with me at those special times and let go of the rest.  It made a big difference. 

As far as helping them financially, I've realized with my daughter that my "help" hasn't necessarily been helpful in the way I'd hoped.  I loaned her money for a car, and now resent that I have to ask her for payments each month because she "forgets". I decided that next time she asks for a loan, if there is one, she can just take out a loan from the bank like everyone else who doesn't have the cash.  By loaning her the money myself, I deprive her of that important adult financial experience.  What I've found is that it's best for me to just get out of the way of her learning.  Live and learn.  We are all learning, right? 

I love your quote about finding meaning in disappointment.  I like to look at those twisted trees at the top of a rocky bluff, and wonder what stories they could tell if they could talk.  We all have rich stories as we are twisted by life.  My image of a bamboo, my namesake on WWU, is of a plant that is flexible but not breakable in the face of adversity, and deeply rooted to withstand the trials and tribulations of life.

Hugs!
45
Welcome, gezeebezee!  As a new member of WWU, we ask that you look over the posts in the "Open Me First" section and pay close attention to the forum agreement to be sure that we are a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.

Let me first say that you have been through a lot!  I'm sorry for situation you are in now with your daughter.  I don't have a situation like yours, but others on this forum have had issues with AC who have addiction or mental health issues.  You can find some of these threads in the archives under Adult Sons and Daughters.  My heart goes out to you.

This may not be it, but I wonder if your daughter is looking to point blame for all that has transpired and left her with a disability.  She is the one at the cause of these problems, but maybe she is blaming you so she doesn't have to take responsibility herself.  That is not healthy for either you or her. I wonder whether your daughter is continuing to use chemicals - sounds like she wants to, at least.  That is concerning.  Maybe she is dealing with depression or other mental health issues - also concerning.  In my way of thinking, those are her issues, though, not yours.  You have been kind to offer her a place to recover, yet she is not even acting like a considerate guest or roommate.  In fact, she is causing you pain.  I'd consider this current living situation unhealthy.  In your shoes, I'd give her a time frame to find another housing option. You've done your best. You deserve happiness and a peaceful life.  I wouldn't want her to think that spitting on you, literally or figuratively, is okay.

As for the counseling, perhaps you could see another counselor who can offer you what you are looking for.  In my experience, having seen several counselors for different reasons, I've found it is best to be up front about what I'm looking to achieve in counseling.  Some are better than others for different issues and they all have their specialties.