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Messages - Bamboo2

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Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult son tells of years of abuse
« on: September 26, 2017, 02:40:24 PM »
Hi Kaylark,
Welcome to WWU.  I'm sorry for what you've been through.  I don't have anything to add to the above posts, which were wise and encouraging.  But I do want to second the suggestion of reading other posts.  I know that I spent a few months when I first landed here on the forum, soaking up all the wisdom in the archives.  Although few posters had experienced a situation similar to  mine, the ideas for navigating the minefield and arriving on the other side of the darkness were remarkably similar.  I wrote down some of the most meaningful quotes and referred to them when I needed some encouragement or redirection.  It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone.  Neither are you. Wishing you well!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 25, 2017, 03:02:23 PM »
Hello, Mummybear.  Welcome back!  So sorry to hear about your situation.  I think jdtm offered a useful perspective.  I know there are other women who have been up against this issue and have different experiences.  One thing you mentioned struck me as crucial: your health.  Being aware of and honoring your own health is vitally important.  I think you will know where that limit is.  When my daughter was treating me disrespectfully, I stepped way back.  It was a way to create some physical and emotional space, and really changed the dynamic for the better - after some time, of course.  The key for me was not accepting blame for things that were not my doing. 

As for the regrets you have, we all have them. I cringe when I think of all the things I gave in on just to see my daughter when she was all wrapped up in her unhealthy relationship with a bad-news BF. I'm sure I seemed terribly needy. It's good to remember that you were doing the best you could and forgive yourself. I wish you well!

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 03:15:53 PM »
I couldn't see the link until I logged in, so for anyone who hasn't logged in and can't see what kate123 linked, here it is:

At youngest we're most pure.
At oldest most experienced.
But at both we're the softest at heart.
Maybe that's why those ages get along the most.
It's somewhere in the middle we lose ourselves.

Very profound!

Welcome, Jennifer9!  I have nothing to add to the wise words above, but just wanted to say we have been there and know that life can and does get better with time and the intentional act of accepting the way things are, facing a different direction, and choosing to be with people who respect and cherish you.  Virtual hugs!

Hello, Suzhappy.  Welcome to WWU. We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you; we are a monitored Website.

I'm sorry for the pain you've experienced with your daughter.  It sounds like what you're doing now is out of self-protection.  When my daughter wasn't treating me respectfully, I also learned that I had to protect myself.  As far as understanding the "why" of it all, there probably is no answer that makes sense to you.  It may be best not to even chase that question, but to appreciate what was and accept what is.  Luise, who started this forum, has a quote that I think of often: You can't make sense of the senseless. 

As I was blamed by my DD for all sorts of things, I finally realized that I did the best I could as a mom, as you did.  It was up to her to move on or not, but I was not going to go backwards anymore.  You have figured out some ways to maintain peace in your life.  I'd say that shows self-respect.  I would keep those boundaries intact. Hugs!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Starting to find acceptance
« on: August 30, 2017, 06:12:46 PM »
Welcome, Mummybear!
When I joined this forum, I was so amazed to post a reply and get responses from kind and caring people who had a sense of what I was experiencing and made me feel supported.  If you want to start your own thread, I'm sure you will find that same support.


Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 30, 2017, 06:04:28 PM »
Yes, she does know that, Marina.  I've tried to be quiet and not offer her any advice about how to deal with her now-ex's  harassment and threats so she can figure it out, but I would give her some ideas if she asked (because I've checked into it).  She always seemed pretty strong and capable, but this relationship sure showed me a different side of her.  I think she'll land on her feet.  As you say, she is young and it does take time.  Patience was definitely in short supply for the first couple of years they were together, but it gradually became easier as I realized that she wasn't going to leave that guy on my timeline, if at all. 

Wishing you patience, Marina.  Time is our ally.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: August 29, 2017, 02:29:52 PM »
Pen, that was a wise and insightful post.  And congrats on your impending grandma-hood! 

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Two years later...
« on: August 24, 2017, 09:21:27 PM »
Hi Wise Women,
It's been almost two years since I wrote in for the first time, in a post entitled "Heading for estrangement?"  I thought it would be a good time to share an update.

My DD, who has been in a relationship with an abusive BF for four years, is seeing the light and ready to break it off, and this time it seems to be for good.  He has not changed his spots, and finally she is seeing that he has no intention of changing, which she only could have seen when we stepped back from the drama and refused to participate.  As she is in the process of breaking the ties to him, he is trying every desperate ploy to hurt her or win her back - at this point it all seems destructive.  She is planning carefully and I'm impressed with her resourcefulness, knowing she has to come up with the plan by herself as a means of empowerment.  She will have to face the void left by him and his FOO, and that will be part of her growth process.  I'm cautiously optimistic, but I know not to get excited about it but just let go and let it be as it will. 

As I consider the journey I've been on as a mother in dealing with grief, anger, depression, and finally acceptance, I realize that WWU, this supportive community, has been an integral part of my healing.  I learned to let go of what I can't control, to face toward the things and people that give me joy, and to reclaim my self-respect.  Of course I'm still a work in progress, but I've grown and learned a great deal and this forum has contributed abundantly to that.

Thanks to you wise women, past and present, who have guided me with your words to me and to others. We learn, share and grow together, and that is the strength of this community.

Hi Thimble.  Welcome to WWU! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First, to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure it's a fit for you; we are a monitored Website.

I moved your post from the HomePage to the Adult Sons and Daughters section.  I'm sorry it has taken us so long to see and respond to your post.  The software has been having notification issues.  I hope you are still with us! 

I'm sorry to hear about what you're dealing with.  The key phrase you wrote above says it all:  You did the best you could.  You have apologized.  If this daughter refuses to accept that and move on, that is her choice.  My take is that you don't need to accept any more blame or even hear any more about it.  If she is unwilling to let go of the blame, she knows where to find you when she is ready.  I guess I just wouldn't engage in that topic anymore.

There are others on the forum who have had similar issues, and you will find many former posts that might be helpful to you.  You're not alone.

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
« on: August 14, 2017, 06:21:48 PM »
Marina, I can see how you were hoping for so much more after all you've been through this year.  It's good that you can find the silver lining: the potential for a closer relationship with your DS, and the opportunity to see GC  ;)  You can do this!  Hugs!

Grandchildren / Re: Mother in law treated better thsn maternial mother
« on: August 08, 2017, 02:36:08 PM »
Hi MaryN,
Welcome to WWU! So sorry about the differential treatment you are experiencing. It hurts to be the less favored one, and often defies reason, no matter how hard you try to find one. I'm not a grandparent yet, but I have had to play second fiddle with my daughter's attention compared to her BFs family, and it sure did cut like a knife.  My husband and I finally had to start making our own special times and learn to just adapt to holidays with the loved ones we were able to see, and let go of expecting DD at our gatherings.  Time has healed much of the pain.  I've found a lot of comfort on this site, and I hope you will as well.  There are definitely others here who have gone through similar issues as you.  Wishing you well!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Bad Counseling
« on: July 30, 2017, 09:52:02 PM »
Hi Marina,
I'm sorry about that counseling ambush you experienced.  I can see why you would try counseling for the sake of your son and GC, and it is good to hear that you and DS cleared up some issues. There's your silver lining. How unfortunate that DIL was involved as it doesn't sound like her agenda was in line with improving her relationship with you, but only to get DS to take her side.  I don't have experience with this issue personally but I've known others who have, and it seems that manipulative people with an agenda can sometimes fool therapists (or lawyers, police, judges, etc.) and turn the tables.  It's very sad.  If I remember right, Still Learning once shared an experience similar to yours.  Hopefully she will add her perspective. 

It could be that your DS is suffering right now, too.  He's caught between a rock and a hard place because of her.  Maybe it is very difficult for him to cross her.  Not that this excuses his lack of assertiveness, but he has witnessed her drama and may be choosing to just keep the peace.  Tough situation.  I wonder if there is a way to still keep some contact with DS, regardless of what DIL says about the GC, and go from there. 

Hang in there, Marina.  Remember that all this drama is not about you, it's about her.  You've done your best, and done it out of love.  ((Hugs))

While your son's dad may say one thing and do another, i'd be inclined to let it play out as it will and not be concerned about it. My DD was able to get an apartment without us cosigning, and I believe it was her BFs mom enabling her as she stood to benefit from it - the BF was a major mooch off anyone he lived with, and the mom knew my DD would support him financially and try to make him grow up. (That didn't work). My husband and I were the unfavored ones and she spent all her time with BF and his large extended family.  It was so painful!  But there were lessons to be learned by DD that I couldn't teach her.  One was that she was being used by BF and his family. I think she is finally seeing the light about that, but we don't really talk about him so I'm ignorant about whether they are even together - and that is very liberating!

In your case, sounds like your ex-husband is the one likely to learn a few lessons about lending and giving money to someone who doesn't have a plan or take responsibility. He might look like a hero now, but when he starts expecting loans repaid it might not be pretty. You can't really control any of that.  Letting go of what I can't control has worked well for me.

Like all moms, I realized I did my best, based on what I knew or believed, and continue to do so.  Others may disagree with that, but as Luise likes to say, "What others think of me is none of my business"  and that applies to my adult kids as well as anyone.  What I think of myself, though, DOES matter.  I'm still working on that   ::)

Welcome, Hollap! Sorry for the issues you're having with your son.  My daughter had issues of entitlement and thought as her parents we would cosign on loans, pet-sit, etc.  When we refused to do that, we got the cold shoulder treatment. The women here helped me stay strong and clearly let her know we would not accept this behavior.  I was angry because it felt like she was just using us. Slowly but surely she came around, and things are much better now.  She still mostly calls when she wants information, but at least she has modified her expectations, knowing we aren't going to cave to her every whim. 

From what you've said, it sounds like you really don't want to loan him the money. So I might let him know that's the end of the discussion.  As for your GD, I'd base my decision to babysit on what is best and convenient for you, and take DS out of the equation.

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