Pooh, thanks for stating the obvious that eluded my husband and me...yes, DD should have known the BFs threat against my DH was real when she has been living with his bad behavior for over two years now.

Luise, I appreciate your insight about passing the disrespect on from him to her to us.  It is like kicking the dog when your boss yells at you. 

If I may ask a follow up question, it regards my concern that BF is emotionally (and financially) abusing her.  At the present time, she has no one else to talk to about this..she has made his family and his friends her entire world.  As hard as it has been, I felt that I should be the one who keeps a relationship with her AND him, so she is free to be honest with me about his abusive behaviors, instead of lying so we would think well of him, which is impossible at this point.  So my question to you is: should I tell her that I am open to seeing him still?  I can hardly fathom it after she called the cops on him. I think she would be open to seeing me again if I opened myself up to including him. 

The other piece that I should point out is she was abandoned in childhood and took care of many young and disabled children before she joined our family.  She is now taking care of her BF in a similar  way.  We have tried to encourage her to see a therapist to work on these issues from her past but she is not interested at this time.  My heart goes out to her because I know the events of her childhood, over which she had no control, are influencing her decision to stay with this guy.

Hi Streamer, I'm new here and far from the wisest one, but I have experienced this mourning you're speaking of...probably most everyone here has.  It is the loss of the relationship as you knew it, and the dreams of how you hoped it would be.  I think the feelings wax and wane. A good therapist can help; have you seen anyone?

I second the suggestion to let go of expectations that will continue to hurt you.  Of course you do not deserve the treatment you have been given.  You deserve better, and the challenge now is to create your future with people who will give you better.  At present it is not your AC.  I have had to come to this realization, too.  I've found a couple of young adults close in age to my daughter who want my mentoring and enjoy having a reciprocal relationship with me.

I also found that I was making my daughter's story into my story, thereby reliving past hurts and the drama of her life.  My goal now is to move on and create my own story apart from hers.  Hope this helps.  Warm thoughts to you   

Thanks for your reply, Pooh.  Yes, this daughter knows how to turn the tables to put the blame on someone else instead of taking responsibility for her part.  And she wasn't around when the threat was made, and of course the BF lied about it and later had to ask people whether what he said was in fact a threat.  So many layers to this drama...

The only reason I would like to keep the lines of communication open is because she calls me when things are bad with him, like last month one night when he was drunk and busting her things, and she called the cops (not the first time he has done that; he is a mean drunk). But I think she always knows we will help her if/when things go south with him.

First of all, warm greetings to Luise, who I feel I know already, from her wise and gentle posts.  I have read many forums but none as respectful and compassionate as this one.  Thank you for birthing this wonderful forum.  And thank you to the many posters who have given such helpful advice.  I have already read the Read Me First Articles and lots of posts, so here goes with my problem.

My 20 year old daughter moved out during the start of her senior year of HS to live with her controlling BF and his mom. DH and I have struggled to maintain a relationship with DD ever since.  Now DD has an apartment and moved him in, and she is taking a year off from college before she can retake a class.  She is a very hard worker, but struggles to stay ahead financially since the BF can't keep jobs or manage money.  In addition, DD's BF threatened my DH while drunk last year, causing DH to not have any more contact with the boyfriend.

We found out recently that DD let her boyfriend drive her car (he has no license), so we made her get her own car insurance policy, which is expensive.  Also, she recently asked if we would cosign on a credit card for her and I said no.  These two recent issues have led to her treating us contemptuously, icy tone of voice or one word texts, or no response whatever.  My DH sent her a letter by mail indicating that we don't owe her anything and she should be grateful for all we have done for her in the past year, which he itemized in the letter (college costs, car repairs, new tires, furnishings for dorm room, totaling over $12,000). DH wrote that she was acting like a spoiled child.  I added that we love her and want a relationship with her when she can treat us with respect. We deserve better than this.

She sent back our letter with a note at the bottom indicating she wasn't mad about the two money issues (not cosigning and making her get a separate insurance policy), but she is now mad about the letter we sent, especially DH's statement that she lacks appreciation.

What to do, Wise Women?  Let it be?  Let her contact us when she is ready?  What if this letter is the catalyst for an estrangement?  How could I live with that?  On the other hand, I know we have been extremely generous to her and forgiving of her many hurtful behaviors over the past two years.  She can be warm and loving, but also manipulative in order to get her way with us.  Those manipulative days are over for me.

True confession: the last few weeks have been more peaceful for me, since I know for sure that she won't be coming to visit when she is in town every other weekend, rather than the unknowing and trying to plan special things to compete with and/or coordinate with the many events of his large extended family.

Thank you so much for any advice you can give me, Wise Women!