Luise, I appreciate your insight about passing the disrespect on from him to her to us. It is like kicking the dog when your boss yells at you.
If I may ask a follow up question, it regards my concern that BF is emotionally (and financially) abusing her. At the present time, she has no one else to talk to about this..she has made his family and his friends her entire world. As hard as it has been, I felt that I should be the one who keeps a relationship with her AND him, so she is free to be honest with me about his abusive behaviors, instead of lying so we would think well of him, which is impossible at this point. So my question to you is: should I tell her that I am open to seeing him still? I can hardly fathom it after she called the cops on him. I think she would be open to seeing me again if I opened myself up to including him.
The other piece that I should point out is she was abandoned in childhood and took care of many young and disabled children before she joined our family. She is now taking care of her BF in a similar way. We have tried to encourage her to see a therapist to work on these issues from her past but she is not interested at this time. My heart goes out to her because I know the events of her childhood, over which she had no control, are influencing her decision to stay with this guy.