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Messages - Bamboo2

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16
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Should I speak up?
« on: November 25, 2017, 10:08:25 PM »
That was really helpful, Luise.  Hopefully I will be able to benefit from your experiences.  I wish I could tell DD about the red flag.  I think part of her knows, but another part desperately wants this to be her forever love.  The counseling idea is good.  It was useful for me when I needed clarity.  At any rate, there will be learning from this relationship, as you say.  Same as from the last one.  We hope the lessons transfer from one relationship to the next.

17
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Should I speak up?
« on: November 25, 2017, 08:05:21 PM »
Hello, Wise Women!
My DD has a new guy in her life - and that's good in that the abusive ex-BF is unequivocally out.  Big sigh of relief there!  New BF seems friendly, kind and hard-working.

My new dilemma is this: DD has confided in me some things that new BF needs to change about himself to be a better partner.  What is my role here?  Listen and shut my mouth?  What about when she asks my opinion?  I know she is carefully "reading" my facial expression and non-verbals, and it's unfortunately too easy for me to speak up, even if it's just in a generic way about relationships, or examples of situations that I know of that are similar to what she is facing.

True confession: There are some things that I wish she hadn't shared with me and I worry that more is coming as the two of us  spend more time together next month. Does anyone have any experience in dealing with an AC sharing too much information?   

She has a tendency to move quickly in relationships, and I worry that she will be married within a year, with children soon to follow.  They've only been a couple for a few months and already she is living with him and his roommates.  I've spoken up about that - she claims she had to get out of a bad roommate situation (it WAS awful) and there is no one else to live with.  But I'm sure this is her number one preference anyway.

Any opinions are greatly appreciated.

18
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: My son is making me feel guilty
« on: November 25, 2017, 07:34:32 PM »
Hi Nikncon,
I recognize your name from the archives, which I read extensively when I first joined WWU two years ago.  Sorry that your DS  sent you that email.  You responded perfectly!  I wish you all the best!

19
 :) Love that, Luise! 

20
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Cbzkit.  That sounds painful.  Be kind to yourself as you deal with this new reality coming soon. (((hugs!)))

21
 Hi Fairy Godmother, and welcome! We ask all new members to go to our HomePage and under Open Me First to read the posts placed there for you. Please pay special attention to the Forum Agreement to be sure WWU is a fit for you. We're a monitored Website. Thanks in advance!

I'm glad you found us.  I don't have experience with in-laws or grandchildren yet, but there are certainly others here who have.  I'm glad you are looking at some of the other posts - there are many women who have walked a journey similar to yours, a lot of wisdom to be gained in the archives.

It is so hurtful to not be around the ones you love during the holidays.  Holidays can be a difficult time for many of us.  They have sure been that way for me.  Keep reading and I hope you will hear from others soon.

22
Welcome, Sammelluv!  I have to tell you that my daughter left home very abruptly, too, while still in high school.  It was after an argument with my husband, but she had already made the threat to move out a few times before so it wasn't totally unexpected.  My first reaction was relief because there had been so much tension.  Of course, my husband and I went through the gamut of emotions and it was a year of vertigo.  She, too, initially said how great life was away from home, and told me with pride how she was cleaning the boyfriend's mom's house regularly.  All I could do was cry because she never did that at home unprompted.  Maybe she also thought I'd be proud of her - not understanding that it was just plain hurtful.

That was four years ago.  In retrospect she has indicated that she should have stayed at home because it was much easier.  She's had regrets about giving up the life of a dependent child and becoming an adult too soon.  I think once all the financial demands became more stifling she realized what she had gotten herself into. Now, however, she is functioning very well at 22 and hasn't had our financial support for three years (except for health insurance), and she is way ahead of the financial and independence curve compared to most others her age.   Despite the awkwardness and the abruptness of her exit, the end result is good.  You may not be able to step back and understand the outcome of this abrupt departure and transition till much later either. 

With regard to your last question, I'd vote for giving him some space.  When you back off, it frees him up to come to you without pressure.  He may read any contacts you make as putting pressure or guilt on him, even though that is not your intention.  When regular family gatherings are planned, you can reach out, but otherwise I'd give him what he seems to want now.  I feel that I chased my daughter too much after she left.  If I could do it differently, I'd have given her more space early on and let her come to me. 

I'm sorry that I can't relate to having such a large household and no free time.  My husband and I only have 2 AC and are finally empty nesters, at least for now.  Eventually I suppose we all have to find some outside activities to give our lives meaning, but for now in your family there are others who you can choose to focus on and create special memories.

All the best!

23
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult daughter giving up on me
« on: October 23, 2017, 01:40:29 PM »
Welcome, Momof4!  I'm sorry for your situation. It sounds like your daughter is trying to blame you for things that are out of your control.  Of course you have a right to go to whatever events you want, just as she does. I've found that the more I've tried to justify, argue, defend or explain myself (JADE), the more deeply I was investing in someone else's agenda.  Luise likes to say, "Whatever anyone thinks of me is none of my business," and I think that helps to put the onus of the problem back where it belongs. 

As for the worry you have about your daughter not being there for you in case of emergency, something came to mind regarding a friend and former neighbor of mine.  When her husband was dealing with Lewy Body dementia (symptoms of Parkinsons and dementia), they moved into a senior condo, and she has found a very supportive group of women residents who look after each other and stay connected.   She has made lots of friends there and it has been mutually beneficial.  It's probably not the same as having an adult child close by, but it is a comfort to her nevertheless. 

Wishing you well!

24
This is a post for Hachen.  Welcome to WWU!  As a new member, we ask that you read the Forum Agreement under the heading "Read Me First."  We want to be sure that this forum is a good fit for you.  We are a monitored website.  Thanks!! 

25
I see your point about the relationship seeming like an abusive one.  My daughter was in such a relationship and I've recently wondered if the dynamic is similar to what happens between  some sons and DILs.  At least it seems like intimidation and control.  It may have your son stumped too and he may be wishing for the old version of future DIL, the one who seemed to get along with you and the family.  I know my daughter kept hoping for her relationship with (now ex) BF to go back to the beginning when he was wonderful to her.  It was a cycle but the good times were fewer and the bad times more frequent and serious.  When I got so sick and anguished  of hearing about their relationship I chose to not hear about him or see him anymore. Eventually my daughter figured out what we had hoped she would, what we had warned her about him as more and more red flags were flying. It was a constant stream. But she needed that time and distance from us to see it for herself and reach her own conclusions.  Painful for us as parents but we chose to become ignorant about her relationship to save our sanity.  We started planning things for ourselves and discovered new interests together.  It was so good for our relationship!  You can get through this!  It takes time and intention.  We are here for you on this journey.

As for your comment about not understanding what happened, Luise, our resident guru and creator of WWU likes to say "You can't make sense of the senseless."  The point is to just deal with what is because otherwise we make ourselves crazy, and for what? You've already acknowledged that this doesn't seem to be personal; it would most likely have happened to any other future in-laws.  This has everything to do with her, not with you. 

26
Hi Sadheart,
Welcome to WWU.  Please read our Forum Agreement under the heading Read Me First to be sure this is a good fit for you.  Your post is fine.  We ask all members to do this as we are a monitored website.

I can feel your confusion as I read the story of your son and future DIL.  While I have not experienced this situation myself, many women on this forum have, and you may have read some of their posts already.  One of the things that struck me from reading some of them is that their sons were in a tough spot, trying to make their spouse/fiancée happy and not knowing how (or fearing) to assert themselves.  If you have a conversation with your son about what his plans are for your relationship, it might just put more pressure on him, as he probably doesn't really know and is already feeling pressure from her.  Another thing is that if he tells her whatever is said between you and him, as he did when you said you were hurt for not being invited to the wedding (of course you were hurt, and certainly your son should have understood that!), this will also likely put you in a bad spot, as this FDIL may twist your words. That's a no-win situation. 

What I recall that others have done, and I have done myself with an AC who was turning away from me, is giving the AC time and space to figure out what is going on for himself.  While that is very hard to do at first, and there is a lot of grieving to be done over the changed status of the relationship, over time a certain acceptance can be reached, and the opportunity to turn toward others who do care.

Hopefully members who have experienced a situation like yours will respond.  We all care, and wish you well.  Hugs!

27
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: adult son tells of years of abuse
« on: September 26, 2017, 02:40:24 PM »
Hi Kaylark,
Welcome to WWU.  I'm sorry for what you've been through.  I don't have anything to add to the above posts, which were wise and encouraging.  But I do want to second the suggestion of reading other posts.  I know that I spent a few months when I first landed here on the forum, soaking up all the wisdom in the archives.  Although few posters had experienced a situation similar to  mine, the ideas for navigating the minefield and arriving on the other side of the darkness were remarkably similar.  I wrote down some of the most meaningful quotes and referred to them when I needed some encouragement or redirection.  It was comforting to know that I wasn't alone.  Neither are you. Wishing you well!

28
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 25, 2017, 03:02:23 PM »
Hello, Mummybear.  Welcome back!  So sorry to hear about your situation.  I think jdtm offered a useful perspective.  I know there are other women who have been up against this issue and have different experiences.  One thing you mentioned struck me as crucial: your health.  Being aware of and honoring your own health is vitally important.  I think you will know where that limit is.  When my daughter was treating me disrespectfully, I stepped way back.  It was a way to create some physical and emotional space, and really changed the dynamic for the better - after some time, of course.  The key for me was not accepting blame for things that were not my doing. 

As for the regrets you have, we all have them. I cringe when I think of all the things I gave in on just to see my daughter when she was all wrapped up in her unhealthy relationship with a bad-news BF. I'm sure I seemed terribly needy. It's good to remember that you were doing the best you could and forgive yourself. I wish you well!

29
Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 03:15:53 PM »
I couldn't see the link until I logged in, so for anyone who hasn't logged in and can't see what kate123 linked, here it is:

At youngest we're most pure.
At oldest most experienced.
But at both we're the softest at heart.
Maybe that's why those ages get along the most.
It's somewhere in the middle we lose ourselves.

Very profound!

30
Welcome, Jennifer9!  I have nothing to add to the wise words above, but just wanted to say we have been there and know that life can and does get better with time and the intentional act of accepting the way things are, facing a different direction, and choosing to be with people who respect and cherish you.  Virtual hugs!

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