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Lancaster Lady, I am sorry you are being scheduled in like this. My first thought was how awful, my second was how typical this is in today's young families. They are often so busy, parents working, kids taking sports and classes after school and on weekends, just scheduled to the hilt. Very little down time, even on weekends.  I might suggest you try the schedule thing. See if you can get it regular time and in a way that makes life easier for the DIL. Bring a meal over, etc. Play with the kids in their bedroom so she has space and time for herself. Bring over a craft project, coloring or painting or lego kit or something special to do with GC. In other words, you want the DIL to see you as help not a problem. If she's got a negative attitude this may not work, but at least you tried. Selfish people want things in their favor and to have it all about themselves so try to make a visit something that she feels is beneficial. Put seeing your GC higher priority than your feelings of being ostracized how how negative she treats you. Start slow and see how it goes, without expecting or being attached to an outcome. Conversely, if you just can't do this, then let it all go. You have some power here, although its all in your thinking, attitude, etc.

And lastly, today's young people do what they want, they see no reason to do things that are "too much work" or not pleasant. Older generations were trained to do their duty, to earn a parent's love, whereas younger generations have not been trained to do their own thing and feel the parent(s) need to earn the children's love and devotion. There was a lot of dysfunctional enmeshment and unhappiness in these older generations with their parents but it feels yucky to know one's adult children do not choose to have you in their lives. The "if it feels good, do it" generation has come full circle and our kids often don't feel like seeing us "feels good". Sigh. I don't have GC yet, but I expect to be scheduled and begging to visit and ignored. I am working on staying strong and busy and detaching from the hurt. Life is never easy and it usually turns out different than we hoped, wanted, or dreamed about. 

What went through my mind as I purchased the gifts was doing it to make ME feel happier, more happy about seeing them again. Then when I give/gave the gifts I enjoy seeing the looks on their faces. Sometimes it is really sweet and sometimes they look confused (why is that horrible lady giving me a gift). It just breaks the ice and makes people act nicer -- that is why I do it. Some people never really get a little gift like this so it opens their hearts a little. Other people think they should be given everything and it is your job to give to them. It makes either group happy (for a few minutes anyway). I learned to do this when my nasty, mean ex was dating this lady and she was trying to take my place as my AC's new mother. He wanted me out of the  picture and she wanted in and my kids were unhappy but refused to set boundaries with either him or her. So there was an event in one AC's life and we all went, this was the first time I met the exhusband's girlfriend, now wife. I gave her a beautiful vase as a thank you for helping that AC whose event it was, that I found at Target for under $20. I made kind of a big deal of thanking her in front of the ex and all my AC and giving her the little gift. (He tells them how horrible I am all the time so this was partly REVENGE -- I'll be the nicest person on earth at this event.) Oh, boy, did I made a huge hit, and I looked like the queen of all niceness. This lady wrote me a thank you note and it said no one had ever given her a gift like this before and she was so appreciative. What I realized was, everybody has some secret hurt. Can you imagine no one ever giving you a sweet little thank you gift like this, ever in your life? (And lady, you aren't ever going to get something nice from my ex!) So I learned, fake it and be nice and polite -- until you have to set a boundary and it makes them all mad again!! LOL
PS: The gift thing doesn't solve the problems, it just makes people act nicer a little bit for a little while. Then I go home.

Oh, boy, what a trip! It is not fun being with people who have such personalities as your DIL. Your DIL sounds like my BIL. He is all about himself, that is all he can talk about, or else he is talking about his "big shot" friend whose daddy is "king of all big shots" or rich, rich, rich. BIL came over to our house the day after we moved in, did not want to help unpack boxes. My husband was dealing with the phone and cable guys so it fell to me to "entertain" BIL. He is so unhappy and insecure and I tried to have compassion. He went on and on about everything he'd change in our house and it was kind of hilarious. I kept saying no, we won't change that & we like it this way, etc. He then wanted us to come over to his house and he would cook us dinner. Unfortunately, we were "too busy" to do so. LOL

Hi Chris, I can relate to your post. Seems like I have to make appointments to see my adult children also but the other in-laws are in their face and business constantly. First I am going to say, do you absolute best to go visit with a loving and positive attitude -- don't pack your anger and resentment because it will crop up and become an issue in the short time you have to see your grandkids. I am saying be the bigger person or take the high road. And believe me, I know all about being resentful and being left out and ostracized!

One of my theories is that there is only room for one "intrusive" set of grandparents or parents of the adult children. Not saying you are intrusive at all. What I mean is, seems like if the other mother is all involved all the time then the AC become reluctant for the quieter, non-intrusive mother to be involved. Its like who can  they more easily blow off, and the all involved, all the time at their house or with them socially is not easy to blow off. Perhaps this isn't "right" in the bigger scheme of things but it seems to me that is how my AC lives are. I am the quieter, non-intrusive mother or MIL who gets blown off "cause they can." And frankly, I don't want to be smothering or too involved at this stage of their lives so I had to do some soul searching and decide this was tolerable. So what I have learned is to give up on what is fair or right, just accept what is.

The other thing I have learned is to shelve my resentment when I do get to visit with them (shelf it for just that day if I have to) AND take a lovely little gift for the women (my AD, their MIL, etc.). Smile, smile, smile. Show up with gift(s) in hand and praise, praise, praise. Try my best to never never never say a negative word or a cross word and if one of the meaner AC starts up being verbally abusive, don't get sucked in, just quietly say this is wrong, you are being mean, stop, whatever. It means being on my Ps and Qs as we used to say and it isn't all that fun or pleasant. But it gets me through. And it works, those little hello gifts just melt the ice. (Flowers, nice soaps or lotions, a plant, fancy cookies or fancy drinks, anything you think they'd like that you can bring).

SL, I would argue that you are wrong, you can cancel this trip. Just do it. Figure out a good excuse and don't go. Put yourself first in this one case. It is okay to be flaky for one time. I think you will end up in an argument with this poor DIL. She sounds very manic to me from your description. I have two children who are Bipolar and the unmedicated one will get to be talking a mile a minute and not even caring that no one else is talking or even listening! Five hours is too long a time to spend with her so next time keep it down to about 2-3 hours and be able to leave when you are ready. Come late and leave early. As far as when she is talking about your son, this is very difficult. You can't change her. So the only cure is probably to limit your time with her. My one medicated bipolar child is very mean. She talks hateful all the time. Right now she is not mad at me, but she will be mad at me again, and then we will be estranged again. I have had to come to terms with this is how it is. Let it go and don't try to appease her to keep her nice, it ain't never gonna happen! Let it roll off your back and do not criticize her. She is unable to process criticism with maturity and grace. What I do is protect myself and keep contact to the minimum. I will stand up to either of these AC when they are being ugly or mean. They respect me more when I say no to them. It doesn't change them, just tamps them down a bit for a while anyway. 

Just happened to be watching Joel Osteen on TV today and wanted to pass on his sermon message. Because I think it applies to all of us, including me, and here's a paraphrase. Basically, it boils down to choosing not to be in conflict with people. Choosing to be the peacemaker and not give back what we are getting via escalating conflict. When you say you see narcissistic tendencies in yourself, then this is where you can improve the situation. While many of us do want things our way especially if we had no control in childhood or in our marriage, most of us are not narcissists or narcissistic. A narc wants what they want and do not mind hurting another person to get what they want - actually they are usually incapable of understanding or caring how their actions and words affect others. If we find a trait annoying in other people, it is also annoying to them when we do the same thing, act the same, show the same trait.

JO talked about how we hurt our relationships by allowing strife and conflict or creating them or escalating them. By returning strife or argument with more strife or argument, we create more of it -- we usually don't solve it or stop it this way. Choose to turn your head away from our own feelings, emotions, etc. and let it go. Return MIL's anger, control, manipulation with ways to encourage peace and avoid strife. I would add, have boundaries and don't let people poop on you BUT... most things we gotta let go. Don't keep adding to the chaos and strife. We can hold to our boundaries without creating chaos or strife and argument. Its about holding our anger down and peacefully stating our boundaries. Not being drawn into the strife just to win. We win by holding to our boundaries and not reacting the same as the other person. We are not less than if we are not in total control, especially if we choose to allow someone else to "take charge" and we allow them to do it their way. Its weakness to continually fight or argue or cause strife, its is strength to choose to avoid an argument because we value our relationship over our own need to control. We do this for ourselves, for our own emotional growth, to be the better or "bigger" person. We hold to our boundaries as a way of honoring ourselves especially when doing so honors other people's humanity and value. Its hard work to make ourselves better emotionally but it is worth it in the long run. The same problems keep occurring in our lives until we conquer what is inside ourselves that brings the conflict situations to us. This sermon struck me as something I need to work on!

Long ago, I offered some furniture to my AD, who is not nice. She got married and we downsized and I asked her did she still want it. Cause I figured there would be Hades to pay if I didn't. So yes she did and she and her new hubby came to my town to get it. I had another AC come over for a visit while she was her. Urghhh!!! What do you do when you can't stand the behavior of your AC? This mean, semi-estranged AD just verbally berated the sibling until the poop hit the fan. I was saying cut it out, her hubby was giggling, and the sibling left early in anger.  I told this AD she was mean but she had no shame she drove her sibling away. She was very happy. It was very upsetting and I was so mad I went to bed at 9 pm!

I am begging you to read Dr Phils Life Code before you make any decisions what to do.

Your MIL jade'ed you in that conversation for sure. Telling you you had sin, that's a BAITER thing (dr Phil) or narcissistic tactic for sure. Notice how she turned this all on you? It's all your fault, not hers-- she's trying to be nice by not accepting your boundaries! (Sarcasm) But you fell for it and it became an argument. Now hubby wants you to change.

We can only change our thinking and our attitudes, not any other adults. Doing so will change the dynamics. MIL is not going to change and having a battle for control, well we don't ever win with these people. Cause all they want is to win and they will do anything to win or control us.

Like AlAnon says, first you gotta detach with love. Don't tell yourself MIL loves you, she means well. Etc. cause she loves herself first. You don't get it cause you are a nice person. You are trying to reason or be rational with a person who will not or can not be rational or reasonable in return. Do not be her enemy but do get smarter and control your reactions. Accept her as she is and for what she is and stop beating your head against the wall to change her. Don't give your power away!

Do what you want around her and don't bend yourself into a pretzel trying to please her. Stop thinking of the future and the what ifs. If you don't want to play a board game say No! These people do what they want, and so should you!! And guess what -- she doesn't really care what you do as long as she gets the attention she wants.

I have several in laws who are narcissists and my hubby and I are lately coming to grips with just doing our own thing and holding strong to boundaries. It ain't easy but first thing we had to let go of was trying to please people who are not please-able. Or who run over us with a Mack truck doing their thing. Thanks to Life Code and counseling. And sorry if I sound not so nice, doing this on my phone.

Ah... Starfire, sounds like the never ending battle with a controlling MIL and a husband who has trouble setting and sticking to boundaries with her. Do you want to be "the bad guy" all the time by being the one who says no? Or do you want your husband to be strong enough to say no to his mom? That is your first decision and you have to think this over so you can have clarity.

What I think reading your post is that if you felt strong in your boundaries, you would not have this anxiety and worry. I know this because I am a lot like you, worry the same, anxious the same. So you either have to have confidence in your husband or you have to have more confidence in your own rules and regulations and that in your world, your rules stick. Doesn't matter what MIL suggests on the phone, its a broken record of NO or maybe someday when he's five or six or seven.

If your worry is because your husband is weak and spineless with his Mother, then that is a different story. This is who you married and how he is.

My BIL came over to bother us the day after we moved into our new home. He lives high off the hog way above his means. Our house is cute and modest. He walked around telling me what HE would change. I didn't take offense, I just kept saying something like "Oh, huh, nope we aren't doing that, I like the plants, I like the appliances, I like the fence, I like the stucco, I like the roofing material, I like having one water heater and don't need two or a tankless, I like the paint color, I like the electric cooktop, I am not having the gas company out to run a gas line, I like the light fixture (which we just picked out and had replaced that he said we should replace - LOL). Was truly offensive, but he thought he was being so helpful in "giving me advice." He even offered to give me his designer's scheme of paint colors so we could paint it the same as his house!!! LOL again! I had boxes and boxes to unpack and he didn't want to help, he just wanted to give his opinion. Years ago, I would have made this an big, highly offended argument, but now I can let it go and later laugh about it, and laugh all weekend we did!

Mother's Day is always bittersweet, isn't it? This year was better for me than most years but there have been times when my AC totally ignored me and we all lived in the same community. Missubaru, it could be that your exhusband bad mouths you and/or the son in law doesn't want competition for his wife's attention and love. Like others have said, we can't make sense of the senseless. I'll add you can't make irrational people behave rationally, we can't use logic and hope they'll be logical. Most of us here just try to make a good and happy or satisfactory life. Many of us just accept what is and try not be grief stricken every day all day. We were good mothers, we were nurturing, we loved our kids but... estrangement happens. Dr. Joshua Coleman has a good book and I think this advice of his is very true: (paraphrasing) Older generations expected the children to win the parent's approval but current generations expect the parents to win the child's approval. That may mean they expect the parent to give, give, give and not have a life. Or maybe they think they can be abusive and mean and we just take it and roll over for more. You are among friends here, we support and encourage each other and hopefully, you'll find the same.

Pen, it is probably all of the things you wonder, mostly probably wanting his love and affection or attention. Try to see this visit as something you do for yourself, to be about yourself.

If you detach from wanting anything from this visit other than to see him alive one more time, it will be easier to deal with. Allow yourself to detach emotionally from the negativity that might be said to you. Because the guilt comments are not about you, they are about an issue inside of the person speaking them. It is not you, it is them. Don't take it personally. Some people are just mean spirited or critical and it is about what is lacking or broken inside of themselves.

And remember, you don't have to explain anything to either one of them, you are an adult. Remember not to justify, argue, defend or explain (JADE). This is you power, so hang on to your inner power. If SM gives you guilt, don't respond, get silent, or respond to her emotion "You wish I was here for another day...." don't let her make you defensive. They are lucky to have you come to visit. So ENJOY it as much as you can and let us know how it goes.

You mentioned trying to please everyone and this is the real root of the problem. If you felt confident in your decision to use your cousin's advice and not use pink granite, you'd be able to brush off MIL comments and not argue this with husband.

The need to please everyone and be liked is often rooted in our own low self esteem or feeling like we are unworthy or not lovable. Having weak boundaries is inside of us, not caused by the MIL or husband. Work on these issues inside yourself rather than focusing on conflict with MIL.

Like I said before, stop including her in your personal life in order to get affirmation or love from her. Isn't going to happen and just makes you miserable. You are chasing the wrong thing. Get your affirmation from inside of yourself and if you can't do this, counseling will truly help.

I know as I am.

Thank goodness you did not choose the pink granite!!! If one's goal is to sell, it is the rare buyer who wants pink granite. Saved by the budget!

Oh, Starfire, how awful to have your lovely new kitchen "ruined" by being grilled and challenged by MIL. I agree with your cousin and actually just purchased a home with brown granite and light brown glass tile backsplash. IMHO, as a serial home purchaser and real estate self described 'expert' (not a decorator), no accent walls, no pop of color. No red or green walls. Keep it bland to sell. Gray is also out, white is the new neutral. Everything done this minute up to date is in white paint. In the seller's mind, one can always add but having to remove means I offer a lower price.

Your mother in law is not ever going to be happy with any of your answers now or in the future with any topic -- this is just how she is. Accept it that she'll never be happy because "it is all about her." Please write yourself a little sticky note and read it daily. "NO JADE: justify, argue, defend, explain" and when you talk to MIL, keep looking at that note. Do not justify argue defend or explain your actions. Either let there be silence or say you disagree but do not get into the habit of defending yourself or explaining. Staying quiet is especially effective. This will help stop her JADEing you and you'll feel better about the conversation. It is not always easy but we all gotta keep to our own boundaries, yes, defend them. Time to learn to have boundaries, don't be like me and start to have them in your 50's.

Just cause she asks or butts in doesn't mean you have to let her or appease her. Take back your power!

Your husband is right about not sending her photos. Don't tell her your personal information any longer. She is not your friend, doesn't not have your best interests in her heart. Keep her at arm's length. You have no power to change her, nothing you do will make her pleasant or nice. All you can do is change your own attitude and reactions towards her and hold your boundaries strong.

I know I tend to think the worst will happen or make everything a catastrophe. Imagining the worst will happen or what to do if the worst happens just ties us up in emotional knots. I am not working hard not to do this. Not planning out what I will say if blank happens or whatever. (I do plan out what to say in real situations where I have to talk to someone about a hard topic but this is different from imagining situations.) You might also write down your thoughts and put it in a drawer so you can let it go. I have to make myself get busy doing other things. I do think your focus now should be on yoru son's emotional health and his coping. Imagine how sad and hard this is for him. BTW, my state forces mothers to allow partial custody or visitation if they go after child support or even if dad goes to court to get partial custody and visitation (even with young babies/children). You might want to take your son to a family law attorney so he knows his rights. If you like to color, try one of those new adult coloring books -- seriously -- it is very relaxing and your mind stops racing.