December 03, 2020, 12:23:45 pm

News:

"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - PatiencePlease

16
Grab Bag / Re: Today Was My 89th Birthday
June 19, 2016, 04:36:06 am
You are a gift to be celebrated every day Luise. ??
17
Thank you so much for your kind words Luise & Bamboo2.  You've both given me nuggets of wisdom to carry with me. Xo
18
I love WWU and regret I have not popped in for months.  Sometimes I don't share my experiences.  I tend to be private.  But this time I am sharing because this experience has been a struggle...

My mom died peacefully a few months ago.  As sad as I am to lose her, I am so very grateful to have shared a huge dose of quality time with her, helping her, chatting with her and more importantly listening to her.  She was an amazing woman.  I was so blessed.

Enter now the toxic sister... the one who has been in and out of my life for decades.  After Mom died she and I both stayed with our dad the week before the funeral.  She was distant, and other times just nasty.  Dad noticed it and would ask me when she left the room, "Are you okay?"  and I would respond "I'm fine.  This time is about you and losing Mom."  (They had been married 68 years....)

At the private burial which was here where I live and where the family cemetery plot is, (out of state) toxic sister traveled to be here (I had invited her & her husband to stay with us - she declined).  My  toxic sister and our spouses were the only ones at the burial.  She did not speak to me at all during the service.   Can you imagine?  Here we are, two daughters grieving the loss of our mom, yet we can't share our grief or support each other.  I was angry with myself for letting her behavior overshadow the burial.  I wish I didn't let that anger overshadow memories of this day but  I can't go back and do it over. 

Over the last two months I have sent an email and a text about family issues to toxic sister. There was no response.  Okay.  So this is what it is. I decide at that point I'm not going to message her any more.  If she has a question or concern, let her reach out to me first.  I move on.  (survival technique)

Two weeks ago, while visiting my dad for a few days, I showed him a picture I took at the cemetery of Mom's name etched on the stone.  (Dad lives out of state - he doesn't travel anymore.)  Hours later when I returned home, he called me requesting I send this picture to my toxic sister because after mentioning the picture to her she tells him she had not received a copy.   

Hmmmm.....  why is she letting Dad ask for her?....  He's struggling with insurmountable grief....  Here we go again....   So I calmly told my father that going forward if she has a request/issue, just tell her to come directly to me.  There's no need for him to be involved.  He is dealing with enough.  He agreed. 

So I proceed to send her an email with the picture that she complained she didn't receive suggesting that going forward she just come to me with issues and leave Dad out of it - he has enough on his plate.  Within half an hour I got a snotty email with her correcting me:  "I did not COMPLAIN to Dad I merely stated I DID NOT receive the picture or your message."  I didn't respond.  I just didn't want to engage. 

Within hours I received a second response:  "There was no "complaint" made to Dad, when he mentioned it, I merely said I had not received a message from you, nor a picture, as of this time.  Thanks for thinking the best of me. I am so done with you. You Please do not contact my anymore, unless it has to do with Dad's health.  This is the end, my supposed younger Sister is gone.  Hope you are happy."     (I copied this just as she sent it.)

Before my mom died, she so desperately wanted her three daughters to get along - to plan a reunion one more time.  (We all live out of state from each other.)  But Mom knew it was not to be because of toxic sister. Mom came to terms with this realization.  It was always about walking on eggshells with toxic sister.  When she is in the room you can feel the tension. 

You learn how to deal with it or you choose to leave it behind.  I'm at the point where I know I will leave it behind.  And yes, it is sad.  I don't want to deal with it. It's embarrassing to admit this.  But honestly I have no choice.  Ironically, my other sister, whom I can battle with on many topics, is there for me.  We respect each other differences.  I wish I could have this relationship with toxic sister too but it's not to be.

Rant over.  Thanks for reading. xo
19
Your consistent love and support to your daughter speaks volumes.  You are an amazing mother who understands the value of detachment.  Wishing you well as your daughter continues her journey to mature.
20
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Big News
February 10, 2016, 08:14:48 am
QuoteI am not shocked she didn't bother to participate in the announcement.  Not even surprised, actually.


I love this.  You share one of my survival skills.....   If I have no expectations, I'm not disappointed. 

Thinking of you as you continue to this journey....
21
QuoteYour DIL is how she is, and your son is happy. 


Focus on what Luise said so clearly and simply. 

Don't invest yourself in your son's life; invest your energy in YOUR life, knowing your son is happy.
22
There is a wealth of good advice above..... 

Looking back, I experienced some of what you are going through now.  At that time, it overwhelmed me.  But my spouse supported me, spoke up on behalf of me, etc.  And looking back now, I realize my MIL was behaving the only way she knew how to behave.

You have a healthy perspective and attitude in all this.  Continue with that and you will be fine. 
23
Thank you everyone for your comments.  Laughter IS the very best medicine.
24
My response is "don't drink their koolaid."  You have a choice.

I'm happy you have a therapist you can talk to to work these issues out.  These are very painful and heavy issues.  Be good to you.
25
Falling Off a Log

This week's visit to my parents' house included recording history, at the request of their grandchildren,  on an audio recorder:  "How did Grandma & Grandpa meet?"  My parents were willing and ready to talk about their courtship and marriage. 

When asked what the secret was to their 68 year marriage, my mom responded "we always laugh."  My father responded "Love, L-O-V-E." and then added "Loving your mother was very easy - it was as easy as falling off a log."

Now that's a different perspective.  lol  Once again, as my mother noted, we laughed.  :)
26
Sorry I'm late to this....  Kate, your heart and attitude are in the right place.  Make the most of these days and celebrate the wise woman you are.  :)

I, too, am so grateful for this place.  I'm not able to get here as often as I like.  (I visit my parents often and they don't have wifi or a computer.  lol)  But no matter the number of days that pass before I can get back to WWU, it's always, always, a safe place to call home.

Luise, thank YOU for creating this place for all of us.  Wishing you & all here, the blessings of this season.
27
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Abandon by son
December 11, 2015, 05:16:41 am
Yes, you will be inspired here Chris.  Many here are much wiser than me -- I love this place!

You can't change their hurtful behavior but you can change how you react to it. 

I experience estrangement from a sibling so I will share the tools I use for that.  (Mind you it took me 50+ years to learn this.  lol)

The relationship can't be fixed by one side only - Place the relationship "on the shelf."  This means you're not throwing it away but you're not wasting your energy on it either.

Expect nothing.  If you have no expectations you will not be disappointed.

Most of all be good to you.  Seek out adventures to that YOU enjoy.  Let your loving heart smile the way it was meant to.
28
Quotebut the "nice person" inside me wants to be nice.


Follow your gut & send a simple gift with no expectations. 

Good for you for maintaining healthy boundaries.  Enjoy a healthy & happy Christmas!
29
Grab Bag / Re: My Life Now
December 06, 2015, 06:04:50 pm
Thank you for sharing your valuable (and healthy) perspective with us. 

Wishing you a speedy recovery & happy healing.  :)
30
Ditto what others have posted.  If you don't protect your son's interests, who will?  I would simply and calmly explain to MIL your concerns about your son's health & add these words "as a mother, I'm sure you understand my concerns and why this decision is necessary."  If she chooses to disagree & wants to argue about it simply don't engage with her.  Your son needs you.

I do hope you find ways to talk to your husband about how you feel about his mother's need to control & how it seems to you your husband doesn't set healthy boundaries.  Do you think you might suggest marriage counseling to him?  It doesn't mean you are failing at marriage.  It means your marriage is worth saving & needs a realignment.  A marriage consists of two partners; both your MIL and husband need to understand that.

Keep us posted.  I wish you the best.