March 29, 2024, 03:48:42 AM

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - JaneF

31
Thank you, have a joyous day!   J
32
First of all Happy Holidays ladies!  Before my darling grandchildren wake up to see what "Santa" has brought, I thought I'd relay my experiences from yesterday.  Over all it was a good day!  My daughter and her husband arrived the day before safely with my 2 grandsons.  The grandaughter we are raising was glad to see her mom and brothers.  The "adopted" family we invited to spend the day with us ( 2 adults, no kids) and enjoy the food was here.  My oldest DS was not here (flu), but his ex brought my grandson and grandaughter up so I could spend a bit of time with them and give them gifts.  Suddenly out of the blue I notice a text message on my phone from my youngest DS.  He asked what we had planned for the holiday yesterday.  To be honest you could have knocked me over with a feather!  He and DIL have not had anything to do with us for holidays now for several years, as Christmas Eve is reserved for HER family, but then they also are reserved for Christmas Day...well, that left no time at all for DS and his FOO of course.  A day a week before or a week after apparently was a suggestion they did not think would work for them either.  Sooooo, yesterday he asked if we would mind them coming to visit!  Of course since I never see them or hear from them at this time of year, or birthdays, or Easter, or any other day as a matter of fact...I finally gave up even buying gifts for the grandaughters because I now know nothing about them!  What size they wear, movies they like, or toys, music...nothing.  So I had nothing for them.  I called DS and said so, and he shocked me by saying they do not care about gifts, they just wanted to come visit and spend time with family!  I think I bruised my chin when it hit the floor as my mouth hung open from surprise!  lol  But I did manage to have a card and a nice check ready (after they had stayed and visited for a few hours).  It used to be they would come, spend less than half an hour at about bedtime when they could crowd us in, get their loot and away they'd go.  I was not going to be played like that again.  My DS brought his entire family, and I saw the youngest daughter of his (my grandaughter) for the first time in 3 years!  He brought his older daughter as well, my 13 year old grandaughter that just had the baby in September.  The baby is of course beautiful.  She cooed and smiled the entire time much to my delight!  My grandaughter is doing a good job (for a child!) as far as caring for her it appears.  She is nursing her even!  She was clean, dressed appropriately, and chubby and happy!  They all hugged us, and we shared our meal and visited.  My DD is holding out on trusting too much at this point she said.  She wonders if this new behavior will continue as my DS told me it would!  Time will tell I suppose.  He has invited me to a school program in the past month as well though...another good sign.  Well, I see 2 of my grandchildren are creeping around looking for what might be here from Santa!  Time for the day to begin!!!  Have a most joyous day my friends.  We plan to!!!!   J
33
Wow, how funny that your post appears just at this time for me to see.  I plan to post about this separately in a bit, but I am in exactly the same place you are as far as DIL goes!  I too have gotten quite comfortable with the zero relationship with her, especially now that my DS is wanting a relationship with his family again.  Suddenly out of the blue yesterday with NO warning or plans, DS and DIL come to my home for a few hours on a Christmas Eve.  I almost fainted from sheer shock.  I understand how you feel about not really wanting a relationship now with your DIL, I feel the same way!  I refuse to spend my time walking on eggshells or wondering what crud she will be saying hatefully about us etc.  It was easier having a non relationship!  It is a dilemma, and I hope the very wise women here can offer suggestions on perhaps what we could do, or not do etc.  I can't answer it, but wanted to let you know there are others facing the same issues.  J
34
Grab Bag / Re: Take a moment
December 23, 2012, 03:47:06 AM
Well said Pen!   
35
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Christmas
December 22, 2012, 12:53:24 AM
I too refuse to be waiting in the wings for any crumbs.  After almost 14 years of that it was enough.  I simply surround myself with other grandchildren, and adult children and friends, and have a wonderful time!  I love seeing the little ones faces when their stockings are full on Christmas morning!  I am betting my littlest grandchildren that will be here will want to set out a plate of cookies and some milk for Santa!  lol  Guess I'll head to the store for cookies this weekend...and maybe just a FEW more stocking stuffers!!!  Yeah right...I adore buying gifts for the little angels!  Happy holidays to all.  J
36
Luise...well said!   You are indeed a wise woman.  That post was so awesome, and it gave me food for thought.  Thanks!  Happy Holidays to you.  J
37
Grandchildren / Re: Happy Holidays
December 21, 2012, 08:33:26 AM
Glad to hear the good updates!  What a great Christmas gift!  J
38
Welcome!  Sorry you had the need for a group such as ours, but there are wonderful, wise ladies here who have great advice.  I am not a doctor, or a nurse.  I am only speaking of my personal experience with these changes in behavior etc.  My mother in law has always been a bit strange from my husbands point of view  ;D, but several years ago she began behaving much like you describe (such as doctors and secrecy etc).  She got paranoid and honestly, just nasty!  Especially to me.  I was shocked because I was the one who helped her since we were closest.  Doctors appointments, medical tests, taking care of her after surgery etc.  We found out there is a diagnosis of dementia, although she denies this still.  I don't know about your mother in law, but I am hoping she can see a geriatric specialist and get a good check up.  If she is aware she might have an issue though she will possibly refuse...been there, done that.  If she does go to one, she may deny any news she does not want to accept.  I have seen that with a friends mother in law.  If there is nothing wrong and she is just being not nice, if you will, that is another issue all together!  Hope you can figure out the problem.  J
39
lol  I was in no way offended by any comments made about this issue...all is well.  As far as getting sued by anyone, I have talked already to someone about that, and since I called and asked why the fella was not getting prosecuted I really can't be sued for that...and the prosecutors office actually didn't have to even tell me anything, but they also were not concerned about legalities when they answered my questions.  apparently anyone can call and ask a question about things, but sometimes it cannot be answered.  all court matters and charges are put on a web site called casenet, so all you have to do is enter the name and it tells what the charges are, guilty or no, ALL docket entries, fines, court dates, jail sentence or probation etc...it's really interesting.  we use it to check on people who want to rent from us.  thank you for your response, I really appreciate you all a lot.  sometimes I can't understand how I end up related "sort of" to the oddest folks!  lol  blessings to you.  J
40
I began responses 3 times and deleted them.  I am not quite sure how to respond to your replies, but I do thank you for your wise statements.  I agree with a lot of them by the way. but if you knew the whole story about my ds's in laws you would see that it does not matter what one does or does not say, or do.  His whole family has been rejected for 14 years for nothing, and we are now to the point that we don't care if we make them mad if we speak what we feel.  It won't change things anyway.  Their marriage has held up (this time) because he bows down and kisses her feet, or did...They were married once before for a year and back then he chose not to crumble under her "demands", thus a divorce.  She refused to allow him access to the grandaughter until he "got back together" with her and they remarried...sick family.  When he talked to me he told me what he had to say and I listened , but I did tell him it was between him and her and I refused to deal with the drama (I think I said that in an earlier post).  My DIL's parents have been divorced for almost 3 years, and that is another sick relationship...you have no clue!  They both lie to each other as well as the kids and grandkids.  For instance, the guy has a new girlfriend so my DIL and her sister hate her for no reason at all.  My DIL came up with the lie that this new girlfriend told my then 5 year old grandaughter there was no Santa.  Never happened, I know that lady.  So you see they will manage to remove who ever they do not want in ther "clan" no matter what one does or doesn't do.  Am I worried about being collateral damage?  Nope.  Am I worried about my son and her putting blame on me as scapegoat...nope.  Been through it all, and I let it bounce off.  DS has to live with it all, not me.  He will or he won't.  He did say they are talking and changing things some, so they apparently are working things through.  In my opinion it is difficult to work with folks who are boldly just liars, but again, not my problem.  As far as talking to the prosecutor I understand when you say it was risky because I am not parent, but really up til now...there have been no parents!  DIL is GD best friend...bad idea.  I did talk to them because I could never believe what was said, and my point was proven when DS did not even know the truth.  Do I worry that it will upset them? Nope.  My DS said he plans to contact them himself and find out exactly WHO decided there would be no charges, even IF GD and his wife did not want charges pressed.  HE does.  Rightfully so (IMO).  I guess what I'm trying to relay here my wise friends, is that I am not dealing with "normal" if you will family there.  That is honest.  The sickness goes clear back to both sides of DIL's family and back to the grandparents.  I know them all.  Have for years.  My GD was caught stealing in the past year...my DIL's family had a good response to it...it wasn't HER fault, it was the other little girls fault she was with.  DIL has stolen from some of my family members, and been caught red handed TWICE...but denies even when sis in law SAW her with the money jar in her house with her own eyes and she was stealing money from it...nope, not her!  Geez.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I am not worried about their reponse to things I do or say because even if I do nothing at all they will say I did, I'm used to it.  lol  I do not expect any miracle changes in those people or the relationships involved.  My son still says I love you momma when we talk and he says he understands how I feel...so I will leave it at that.  If he chooses to see us, fine...if he does not, things remain the way they've been.  I am still okay.  I  do not want this GD I am raising to be influenced by the behaviors of some those people for obvious reasons.  I hope I made some sense in this post, and I so appreciate your points of view.  Have a glorious day.  J
41
As you all know, my youngest DS and I have really not communicated much since he has been with his wife.  You know the drill, HER family gets it all.  lol  Holidays, visits, grandkids school programs, photos and all that jazz.  I posted last month I think it was, that DS had sent me a text message asking me to run to town a no notice of course...to see new great grandaughter and my grandaughters.  He said he didn't know why his wife acted the way she did blah, blah.  I said in that post that I refused him, and said what I have been wanting to say for many years!  What are they going to do?  Cut off communication?  That was already being done, so I was tired of the games and said so.  Well...update!  On Tuesday ds texted me again and said one grandaughter (the 13 year old that had the baby in Sept) had a choir concert that evening.  I about fell over.  The problem was he said he himself had only found out himself (yeah okay), and he texted a little after 5 pm, program was at 6:30 pm and I live about a half hour drive to where the place was.  Also I had just gotten awake due to my working third shift, so I wasn't dressed, or cleaned up, nothing. Besides it happens that the grandaughter I'm raising had her winter band concert the very same night, and same time.  I'd already promised her I'd be there.  So I phoned my ds and told him that.  He understood, and we had a good informative conversation for about 10 minutes.  He said he was putting his foot down about this nonsense, and any time I want to visit the grands to just let him know and HE will bring them.  He said he never could understand why his wife is like she is, and he is finally saying what he thinks.  He now knows she hides things from him too.  We were discussing the issue with the 20 year old who got my grandaughter pregnant (when she was still 12 years old!), and I said it's nuts that they are not going to prosecute him for it.  My ds said and I quote "what do you mean not prosecuting?"  I told him I spoke with the prosecutors office myself about it and they said my grandaughter told the guy she was 17, so they refuse to prosecute!  My ds was angry because his wife did not tell him the truth, she and grandaughter knew this and led him to believe the guy was in trouble basically.  Truth is ds finds out, grandaughter and his wife don't want him prosecuted!  So now ds plans to raise a big fuss and insist they charge this guy (he will be easy to find as he is in prison on major drug charges and he'd been in trouble for it before and was on probation).  He's a real winner huh?  I can't wait to see what happens next, but I am glad ds is possibly beginning to wise up.  Time will tell.  J
42
I am so sorry you have to deal with this issue.  I can only say, been there and done that!  I agree with what everyone else has said so far.  Speaking from the standpoint of a landlord though, I would treat them the same way you would a regular renter.  It's not personal...it's business.  I have had to do that with my DD when she lived in some of my rentals.  Yes, it is hard to do I know, but it's time he put on his big boy pants and grow up.  I made the mistake many times of bailing DD out of her messes, and I simply had to stop doing that.  They don't appreciate it most of the time, and they never learn if they are always bailed out of junk.  Sad about the girlfriend, but if she sticks around even though he is acting like this, then that is her choice.  If she were smart, she'd dump him.  But you can't worry about anyone else, you need to do what you have to do.  I agree that you need to send a certified letter about payment of rent, and or eviction etc.  Good luck, and let us know what happens.  J
43
Good morning ladies!  Been a hectic week, but what's new right?  I am still waiting to hear a response on the asking for testing for my grandaughter.  I did send back paper work the school gave though the very day after I got it.  If they are testing her she hasn't mentioned it!  If I have heard nothing by weeks end I will call and check in with them.  The grandaughter continues two days a week in tutoring after school for 2 subjects, and they help check her daily homework too. Then the other 2 days she attends academic lab as I have said before.  She had a math test and brought it home yesterday.  She got a B-....I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!  lol  Compared to the almost failing scores she was getting, this was wonderful news!  We praised her of course, and I think a reward (Dairy Queen) is in order this weekend!  She adores the blizzards there.  She has a winter band concert Tuesday night, and we were very proud of her.  She played her little flute, and was all dressed up in her new dress and cardigan sweater, tights and dress shoes.  Can't believe she is growing up so fast.  Just wanted to report she has been working hard on improving her grades and I hope the testing will give us good answers (oh yeah almost forgot...doctor changed her dose on her attention deficit meds last Saturday, so we will see if there is a marked improvement or not.  She has had no ill effects from that thus far, yay!)  Have a joyous day ladies!  J
44
Thanks Pooh!  I totally understand the different learning skills issue...I myself have attention deficit disorder, but no behavior issues with it!  I have to learn differently than others, but I still manage to do my job as a dispatcher without difficulty!  I just have to take a step by step approach is all.  I worked hard in school, and I studied hard when I obtained my real estate license, and med tech certificate...so she CAN learn even if methods have to be changed!  THANK YOU ladies for the help...now that I took the paper work back to the school first thing this morning, we wait until we find out what tests will be given, and when and where etc.  I do not know about her being lucky...but I know my husband and I have been lucky to have her!  She is the apple of his eye, and I am quite fond of her myself!  Such a kind, gentle, nice, well behaved girl...well teenager now actually, as she is 13.  Have a fabulous day.  J
45
Once again I took the wise advice offered by you fabulous ladies.  I contacted the school already, and am right now in the process of filling out paper work to get her tested for any possibility of a learning disability.  I really hope it is only an attention problem, or another med adjustment problem for her attention deficit disorder, but if it turns out to be a learning problem...we need to know that so we can then get her the best help possible.  We are covering all the bases!  She is having her after school snack right now, then we plan to start going over her social studies homework to see that she did it correctly.  We have to begin to study for a test in social studies, and the test is on Thursday...want to get several hours of study in for that!  Thank you so much for your responses once again, and Luise thank you for your very kind words.  I am simply just trying to treat others as I would expect them to treat me...such a simple concept isn't it?  My hope for the new year is that a lot more people would be nicer to each other (and I hope the great ladies here are treated better by those that do not treat them fairly).  What a much nicer world it could be.  I am getting excited about Christmas coming, and I guess it puts me in a mood to be kinder!  lol  I know...I am a dork!   Have a most joyous evening my friends.  J