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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

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Messages - FAFE

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: Getting Back
September 05, 2016, 08:22:08 am
Thanks, ladies.  We have been pretty busy, running around traveling whenever we can.  We had a cruise planned to Austrailia and New Zealand planned in March and I got sick in February, which put me in the hospital for a few days with ischemic colitis.  So, with the doctor's help, we made the decision that I did not need to be that far away if I had more problems.  But, it's all good.  We are going on a 2 week road trip end of the month.  Going up into Michigan, then Toronto and then to Niagra Falls.    Cannot figure out why the red line.  But it's good to be back.  No DIL problems or with my children at the moment.
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Getting Back
August 27, 2016, 05:11:14 pm
Hey, sweet ladies.  I have been off this site for a while because we switched to Windows 10 and I lost all my pinned boards, etc.  But I'm back with a bang.  Gotta start catching up!
Lucy P, I like your attitude.
Have the Christmas you want with your husband.  Take a trip, see something new, stay home, watch movies, eat whatever you want and do what makes you happy.  Traditions change and we have to get used to it.  Our adult children are just that adults.

I think this past Christmas was probably the worst one I've had in many, many years.  I have, for the past 28 or so years had Christmas for my husband's side of the family.  Always on Christmas day - whoever could should up and generally it was husband's side of the family and my daughter and her husband and other assorted family members/friends.  So, last year everyone decided that we would not do Christmas dinner on Christmas - but when both of my boys would be in town.  But Christmas day, my husband and I were all alone - my daughter had her in-laws and I was good with that or was I?  I did not get dressed the entire day, sat around and had a great big ole pity party.  This year I don't know when we'll celebrate but I won't be on the couch having a pity party!

Have yourself one big ole pity party, put your big girl panties on and find something exciting and fun to do for Christmas.  If your daughter should change her mind, it may be too late for you to change your plans and won't she be shocked?
Baby steps, sweetie, baby steps.  You're gonna make it!
I do hope you husband will stand his ground with your son!  Sounds like at least you've lit a fire under him.  No one should have to choose between their husband and children, but no one should have their wife's treated like that.  Hope this will be a win win for all.  Maybe you and hubby can plan a fantastic trip or vacation and let son bask in his own unhappiness.
We intended to buy all his school supplies, it was just disrespectful to not be appreciative that we did it at all.  DIL, was very thankful.
I hate that you are having to go thru all this stuff with your son, especially that your husband does not support you.  My husband got a little taste of being on the wrong side the other day.  Our son is one of those that we can never do anything good enough for them.  Son and his family were here last week and son and DIL do their own thing and we entertained our grandson.  I had something I had to do one of those days and suggested to my husband that he and GS get his school supply list and go purchase whatever he needed for school.  Well, $60 or so later, GS was showing his dad and mom what they had gotten.  The ONLY thing on the list that was not the EXACT item was a calculator.  My husband is a scientist of a sort and determined that the one in stock was fine.  Son had a fit and said he would probably have to go out and get the other one.  Not, thank you, if that doesn't work we'll get the other one.  Husband did not like that attitude at all!

I can definitely relate and I've pushed way back in what I do or say for whatever it is worth.  Raising kids are not for sissies and dealing with them as they get older are definitely not fun.
Here's something I found on Facebook.  It did not have an author on it, so I'm not sure if it is permissible or not.

Sometime YOU have to LOVE people from a DISTANCE and Give them the SPACE to get their MIND right before you let them back into your life.

I think this is going to be my new motto.
You know, back in the day the gremlins came and got our children at about age 12 or so and let them go around 21, 22.  I think now that they stay along for the ride.  We (collectively) have raised a bunch of AC who know what buttons to push and when it will hurt the most.  You have not failed your child and I will tell you this, is any of my 3 had ever hit me, they would not have the chance to do it again (same for their father).  Be good to yourself, put you in the driver's seat and put your oxygen mask on first. 
Thanks, Shiny.  We were primary caregivers for my in-laws for many years  (they were in AL some of them, but the caretaking did not stop).  FIL passed away in 2012 and MIL last July.  So, we are free at last! 
Shiny, my husband and I are going on a cruise on July 12th.  There's still time to book it!  We could have a lot of discussions about family or have a glass or 4 of wine!

P.S.  Montreal, Canada to Boston, MA.

All are invited.  We could throw all our problems overboard!  Or make voodoo dolls. 
I tell my children all the time don't worry about coming back for a funeral for me - but it was a requirement that they came when their grandparents died.  No excuses, I told them 3 months in advance that their GD was in his last days to have their funeral clothes ready - they neither came before he died,  but did for the funeral.  When their GM got sick they had both planned a trip to see her, but the Good Lord had other plans and she passed away before their scheduled time to visit.  They both came for the funeral.  There was no question at all about our DD being here because she lives close and visited her GP's pretty often.
In the early years I was the one that made the calls, got the cards, gifts, etc., for the in-laws.  At some point when life slowed down a little, DH did pick out cards for his parents and brother.  I would laugh like crazy because his mother always gave me credit for getting them.  It was hard to persuade her that he had actually picked them out.  Gifts I still did because my DH is color blind and has no fashion sense at all.

I have been married twice and was very fortunate to have had 2 great mother and father in laws.  First set treated me like one of the little children as she had a granddaughter a year younger than my husband.  Second FIL thought I had hung the moon most of the time.  MIL was a friend as well as a great MIL.  I strive to be that.  My one DIL is Japanese and she goes along with whatever my son does - or don't do.  What I always hear from him is that how "busy" their life is.  I agree but tell him to come back when he has 2 more kids and you both work full time and then do all the activities, etc., that we did for our kids.

We used to try and make the 12 hour trip up to see our grandson a couple of times a year - but they're too busy and we ended up buying every bite of food the 5 of us ate for the entire time we were there.  So, that stopped.  I mean, can you not buy a loaf of bread, a package of ham just to have something to offer us to eat?  Other son is a little better in communicating with us - but generally on his time.  Daughter and SIL live closer and we do see them more often - got a 3 year old GD that we love to visit, play with.  They both work and spend a lot of quality time with GD, so we're lucky if we see her a couple of times a month. 

I do read another website every now and then that is truly dedicated to people who hate their in-laws and are so, so happy to vilify MIL's.  Wonder how they will feel when their children realize that it's ok to treat others very badly.  I do know some of it is real and a lot of it is imagined (at least that's my take).
For the first time in our married life my husband and I at the place that we can wake up in the morning and decide to get in the car and take a road trip, book a cruise, go half way round the world if that's where we want to go or to a 2 hour destination for the day.  We are both retired and are on a fixed income but the Good Lord has blessed us and we are able to travel while we are still able.  We never had any time to ourselves until our 3rd child went off to college.  DH had a 5 year old son who I also "married" and eventually adopted.  I do brood sometimes about being the "cast off" once in a while then I read some of the stories here and I really should not complain.  I do have pity parties every now and then, but always seem to come out on top.  We have several friends who are going thru some horrible health issues and I think that I could be in their shoes and also have friends who have elderly parents who have bad health issues as well.