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Messages - kate123

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Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: October 04, 2017, 08:03:18 PM »
Louise, excuse my ignorance but what did you mean when you said  "It's usually that or a 'wake up on the other side' thing." I am guessing you mean dying in your sleep??

Anyway, the downsizing thing really makes you wonder what your life was about doesn't it? I have downsized this year and now I am saying 'why did I buy all this "stuff" in the first place. It was all so unnecessary. If only I knew then what I know now, AND, if I could just have the money back I spent for all the "stuff" I would be rich! Now when I go to community living, if that is the case, it will mean downsizing again, and again. Maybe those people buying "Tiny Houses" at onto something smarter!
My great-grandparents lived in a tiny house and had minimal stuff and many children. I Don't think they had to downsize. ;D

Hi JDTM, my reading comprehension is not so good these days. But you said your GD asked to come and visit, but you told her you had made other plans. I am wondering if that visit was more important to her than she let you know, and maybe felt rejected when you were not available. Maybe she is just feeling rejected or unimportant to you (if I read your post correctly that is). You could write her a letter and apologize for not being there for her. She obviously wants to be in your life if she asked to visit you. Don't give up on her. :(

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: October 04, 2017, 07:22:39 PM »
to Still Learning: no, I am no great MIL. I do not even know whether my DIL even likes me. In fact I rarely see any of them with their busy lives and such. But I would like my son to be respectful of women, my DIL and myself included. I never ask about their relationship and he never speaks of it one way or the other, it is personal and between them. But if I am faced with seeing something, I will speak up with advice. Now if she did something to him in front of me I would probably be less inclined to say something because she is not my daughter. But I have never seen my DIL be disrespectful or mean to my son (thank goodness). When my son brings up anything private, like something about her parents, I do try my best to give an answer or advice that I would give anyone with the same problem, and try not to say anything that might later come back on me for causing a problem. Yes there are things I see that I may not agree with in their lives. And if my DIL asked for my advice, or complains about something, I would talk to my son about it if I see that he is in the wrong. Sometimes the AC do need some help, and they can benefit from our experience rather than fuddle through making the same mistakes of past generations and taking years to learn, IMO. Thanks all for listening and allowing me to vent a bit here.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: October 04, 2017, 06:24:39 PM »
I can see that I am not understood here, and I understand completely because you are not here in my shoes, and are basing what I have said on your own experiences with DIL's who complain.
Women often keep their situation and feelings to themselves for this exact reason. When women are in an abusive situation and cry out, some will say 'it's is partly your fault' or 'you drove him to it' or 'you asked for it'.
And as for parenting- this is a job of a lifetime. You do not stand by why your children (of any age) do something that is not acceptable-lawfully, morally, or just otherwise inconsiderate- without saying anything. You do not walk on eggshells in fear they will not like what you say. Once I heard my son talk to my DIL in such a way that I was embarrassed for her. And I did speak up and told him he had no right to talk to her that way no matter what she does (and to my remembrance, she really did absolutely nothing, he was just in a mood). I see that as abusive and would/will not stand by and let it happen. I did not yell or scold him as a child, I just said it as a matter of fact.
My BF is just inconsiderate most of the time. Period. I make less money than him but pay 3/4 of the bills. I cook, I clean, I buy groceries. Why?? I don't know. But now I've become his maid as well and all for what, so I can get screamed at if I dare say something about the clothes on the floor or some other thing. I do not think his mother knows how things are financially, and she thinks he is doing everything for me. When the reality is that I am supporting him because of his past financial problems (that were before me). It is just very hard to listen about how wonderful he is when his share of the expenses are a month late and I am left with ALL the bills. Like I said, I only slip now and then and it is not intentional. As for now I have sent him to stay elsewhere. Whether we stay together is something I need to think seriously about. I am not spending my final years being a mother to him. And sorry but I disagree with you ladies, a parent is always a parent. No I am not going to tell my son he needs to drink more milk, but I will certainly say something if he were to drink and drive or anything else where he might hurt someone else in any way. Maybe someone should listen to the DIL complaints (as mentioned in responses). It could be a cry for help. Looking at your sons through rose colored glasses will not be helpful to either son or DIL. Just sayin'.  ;)

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 05:09:38 PM »
Oh, and four hours in the car- no way could I listen to any complaining about anything for that long. I would have ended up on a bus!

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 05:05:36 PM »
yes usually I do only speak of the wonderful things, but every now and then I will slip. I am a mother, I know better than to say "bad" things about a child to the mother. (I was born a day, but it wasn't yesterday! LOL). However, when my DIL mentions occasionally about my son's wrongdoing I will say something to him, because I figure she is asking for my help. That is what I would like, a little help.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: At my wits end
« on: September 26, 2017, 04:56:54 PM »
A family is like a bag of mixed NUTS! some are better than others, even a few bad ones that you have to just throw out! lol
Not saying to throw away your DIL of course, but you have to accept that not every person in the family will be your favorite nut, so try to step back and understand that maybe you two are just not as compatible as you would like to be and that is just the way it is.

Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / MIL's support is bothering me
« on: September 26, 2017, 04:23:21 PM »
Usually I do not write here about my BF or his Mom. Hope I am putting this in the right place, but here it is. She is not my MIL, but my BF's mother (I will never marry again). Anyway she is like an MIL in every way. She is nice and kind to me, but lately I do not feel I can have a conversation with her because if I dare say anything even remotely negative about her son she goes into a kind of denial. He can do no wrong. And frankly I believe this has led him to be completely irresponsible. Leaves his clothes on the floor everywhere, dirty dishes everywhere, and so on. I can repeat myself a thousand times and it changes nothing. If I should accidently mention anything to his mother she immediately makes excuses, oh he is tired or this or that. NO! he is lazy! And what I say in my mind is- you sent him back to his father at age 13 because you couldn't take it either! HE is a big BABY because no one kicked him in the butt and trained him, now I am trying to deal with it! That is what I want to say but never would. But really, what do I say to her when she defends him when she should say- put him on the phone, let me say a few words of motherly love (i.e. get your act together boy!). I would like to have a good relationship with her, but I am drifting because I just can't deal hearing how perfect he is anymore! She blames his exes for all that went wrong, I am slowly seeing something different, like maybe they got tired of being his mother! The one that wasn't there during those trainable years. I don't know the exact whys of why she sent him to his father, but maybe now she feels guilty, or she needs him, whatever. But don't you think she should be honest with me, and him by telling him he has to man-up?

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 02:56:12 PM »
Thank you SL!

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 08:38:23 AM »
Here is the larger text ...sorry I am not more savvy with this computer!!

Aging Wisely / Re: How are you coping?
« on: September 18, 2017, 08:19:13 AM »
Here is some reality!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Two years later...
« on: September 18, 2017, 07:30:21 AM »
very well said Luise! Life is a journey, and not always an easy one.

Suz, who knows?? Many here ask themselves the same questions. My main question is, what do they, or did they, expect? These days expectations are limitless. Maybe too much of TV nonsense and all the feel good psychobabble put things in their head. All of this parental abuse (and I mean us, not them) is very wide spread. This tells me that the problem is coming from outside the family, not inside. One thing that I have seen over and over is that the worst mothers get the most attention and help from their adult children. So if we had been drug addicts or alcoholics there is a better chance our kids would not ignore us.
I wake up almost every morning thinking that I will write my AC a letter and put all my feelings out there. But once I get up I realize it would fall on deaf ears because I am totally at fault for everything and anything in their eyes and there is no convincing them otherwise. I was a very good mother. I know that in my heart and at this point that is all that matters. If they choose to make things up so that they do not have to have me in their life (for whatever reason) then that is on them- their choice. There is more to life, and I am going to enjoy all the other possibilities and just not focus on what I do not have. That is all you can do. Best wishes :)

Grandchildren / Re: Alienated Grandparents
« on: August 04, 2017, 07:25:10 PM »
Here is my GC (Great Companion)!

Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: Father's Day
« on: July 16, 2017, 06:23:30 PM »
Mal, after many years I still cannot look at any pictures and not feel negative emotions. How can we not feel hurt that none of those pictures include us, or have anything to do with us. Better not to look at all. I have tried to opt out of FB, but then other sites link you back in "for security" or some nonsense. So I have it, but very rarely use it. It is such a childish thing anyway, a bunch of people just portraying an image of a life that they what you to believe exists. Like what children do at a certain age in order to be accepted by their peers.
And the generation gap, there was a time when we took wisdom from our parents. It is the teachings from one generation to the next that has aided humans in moving forward. I think of it as being given two choices to learn, one by trial and error (which could take years), the other by learning from someone who has already done the trials and errors and found the solution. How stupid would you be to make the first choice? That is how stupid this generation is being. Every little bit of advice and experience we can give them, is less they have to figure out on their own. But they think they do not need that, they think they can learn it all on their own, with their computer or whatever. Some things are not out there in computer land. I was talking with someone the other day about recipes that used to be handed down in families. In recent times grandmothers have been taking the recipes to their grave because no on ever bothered to ask for them. It is the same with many other things as well, the old ways of carpentry, house and barn building, family stories...and BOOKS.. all disappearing information. Very sad to see and I wonder if there will be any regrets. Probably not.

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