August 06, 2020, 05:04:03 pm

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"Welcome to WiseWomenUnite.com -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."


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Messages - Smilesback@u

1
Quote from: Pen on January 17, 2016, 08:09:31 pm
A friend of mine is suddenly going through rejection by her newly married DD. It came as a shock and has caused much pain and self-doubt. After talking with my friend I thought about all of our situations here at WWU.

When we are rejected, disrespected, forgotten or otherwise left behind by our AC, it can feel like more than a rejection of us as a person, which is horrible enough. We might also feel the loss of all the years we put into being a mother, as if our lives had been spent on things that ultimately have no value.

I refuse to let those years be seen as nothing, so I am working on validating myself as a parent. I mentioned in a post awhile back that I'd been looking through some old scrapbooks and records of my kids activities and accomplishments - and I had solid evidence that my children had fulfilling lives and much love and support given to them by DH & me.

As painful as it may be to face (painful memories, etc.), I highly recommend looking through evidence for validation.

Thank you Pen!  This is a great start to 2016!  I have returned and catching up found your post so endearing.  This rings so true in my heart.  God bless, and Happy Mother's Day!
2
Thank you Missubaru and Luise for being here especially when you are most needed.  Mothers Day, holidays, birthdays and other family events really bring up emotional issues for me too.  I found WWU 5 years ago and have worked through a lot of the pain from not feeling close to my sons and stepsons, who are all grown up, a couple married, a couple granddaughters.  I am learning about relationships here at WWU.  Getting sound advice.  When you share and read, I hope you discover like I did that there is a comfort that comes from seeing others experience what I feel.  The details of our situations often are similar, but not exact.  Yet I found peace in sharing, trying to understand and a way to get through my pain without continuing to hurt.  My motto is that I Will Not Devalue Myself in the Face of Adversity.  God Bless You!  I know that the connections you have from birth with your family can never be denied, only ignored.  Respect and love yourself no matter what!   Hugs to you!
3
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: SD update
September 15, 2014, 12:13:00 am
Hi Pooh, I was surprised to read your post.  Of course, it is such a relief to know your SD is alive and wants to stay in touch.  It might not be more than that, but that is something good for now.  One day at a time, and no expectations good or bad, just be present to how you feel, own it, and let it go.  Most all of my stuff is based on the past and I find it terribly rewarding to actually lay it down, and realize that I can deal with one day at a time.  Hugs!
4
Adult Sons and/or Adult Daughters / Re: The WHY Question.
September 15, 2014, 12:09:23 am
Why is a good question because it doesn't make sense.  So why?  I found my way here years ago, and worked through some issues.  I am glad you are here and starting to let the pain out.  So many of us will understand how you feel, even though the details of your situation might not match up with our own. 

I am glad you found love again.  Your previous marriage issues are not your sons' business.  I wouldn't make what they think about your business, your business either.  It is their problem how they hang on to the past and make themselves miserable.  Sounds like you decided not to be miserable, but would like to have their involvement for the grandchildren's sake, is that right?  What would it be like to clear the air with your ex, and find out what he knows about your sons' feelings?  That would give you insight at least.  I would also wager your ex could put in a good word for you to straighten things out with your sons.

I would not let your sons' mess with your current relationship or happiness.  They are loved, but you have a choice whether to let them mess up your life or not.  I would choose to let them be, and do what grandmothers do.  Write postcards, call on birthdays and holidays.  Ask to speak and see your grandchildren.  In other words, keep trying, keep loving, and let them stew in their own juices!

I am not the wisest one here, so if this all sounds way off, just take the hugs that I am sending you as I mean well.   :) 
5
Yes, I agree with you Shiny, so thanks for sharing what you learned.  Just wanted to confirm and reinforce what you said because it means a lot to me to know when to let it go.   
6
Just another thought, about love...it never dies.  I love them anyways, and by not taking an action, that is an action of love on my part. Letting it be.  It is hard not to keep pressing for more from them.  I don't want to chase after them for their attention like I am desparate to know they care about me.   

My love simply doesn't end just because they don't *need* me any more as a *mother* like they did when they were kids.  I honestly was busy as a mother raising a family and didn't do as much for my parents as they deserved. 

I hope you take comfort knowing there are others going through transitions like you.  I hope you can continue to make progress in dealing with your feelings in positive ways that build you up and sustain you.  YOU ARE WORTH IT!
7
Cynthia, you are going to be okay with this someday.  I like what Luise said that you will have a choice to respect yourself and be able to let it go, the pain, the disappointments, the expectations.  Once you are there, you will face whatever happens next.  I am working on this myself and cannot believe how long it takes for me to wake up and smell the coffee! Sending you hope and love  :-* :-* :-* :-*
8
HA!  You two are the greatest!  Desserts are supposed to be enjoyed, let's not get them backwards as being stressed!  Love that!  You know everybody's case is somewhat different.  I just relate so much to feeling kicked and angry about it.  There is nothing you can do sometimes to *correct* a wrong doing.  The best message is what you hear here - get on with it!  Don't waste another moment of your precious time worrying how to *fix* it.  Can't fix it, cuz you are not broke!  Love means more than that - hold your head up high, take a dee breath in, and take a walk in the fresh air.  Find your wild side, and bust loose!  Anyways, love to all of you, and keep smiling  :D
9
Hi, it has been an awful long time since I posted.  Like maybe 3 years?  I am here today to chime in.  I still get twanged now and then with old issues with my oldest son and his wife.  I grew a lot from sharing how I felt here with others and I felt my feelings were understood and accepted.  I was hurt and disappointed many times because my expectations were not being met.  I wanted to be treated with honor and respect as grandma and MIL, in a way that I wanted.  I had a list of expectations for when I visited that were not happening.  I had to let them all go and work through my feelings of anger and resentment.  I found out that my feelings were the *norm* here and I was not alone.  I got a lot of helpful tips on how to arrange visits in order to have a relationship with my grandchildren without slipping into my old  unmet expectations.  I really appreciate the wisdom of Luise and Pen as well as so many others here.  I think my son and his wife are learning just like me, as we go.  I cannot respect being manipulated and so there are definite consequences when I visit.  I usually stay in a motel and can come and go.  That has worked wonders for me.  For the last two visits, we have stayed with my son - and things are still getting worked out.  I understand more now that it is less about me and more about them for why I feel uncomfortable staying with them.  They do seem to handle the stress of our visits with DIL spending more time away from us.  Whatever it takes, in order for our grandchildren to know their grandparents seems to be the family value that we all share.  Anyways, as I get older and wiser, I am focusing more on my life, my health, my relationships and value being alive and healthy enough to enjoy it.  I wish you the best in your journey.  Everybody's path is a little different but so similar in needing some guidance and acceptance.  I hope this helped you in some small way as I am happy to give back to our community here.  Sending positive thoughts that you find some comfort and humor here to lighten your load.   
10
My thoughts are for you PM.  Take care, hugs
11
What I have been doing is debating with myself mostly.  Should I give financial help to my ms.  So I got a huge boot from my dad to do something.  He put up some money to start the ball rolling.  I certainly was indignant that he did this...and suffered some humiliation and sense of being dishonored, disrespected and not trusted to do the right thing.  Anyways, my other sons and dh helped figure out how to get housing for ms, who frankly didn't really want the help.  How crazy is that?  After he spent the last 6 months living in his car and he didn't mind it?!  Starting to realize the mental condition it takes to do such a thing, and not want the stress of housing you cannot afford.  Also realizing the physical condition he deals with since 2005 that I just thought he could buck up and overcome it.  I also dreaded putting him in the position where I am bailing him out setting up a precedent that mommy will rescue him.  But you know what, he needs help, it is not about me at all.  I am reading articles now along the lines of how parents make an effort to help their 30 somethings move forward through these difficult economic times.  **When they get in trouble, I don't want them to go so far downhill that they'll never get out. As a parent and grandparent, I think it's a fundamental responsibility for me and one I'm gladly willing to fulfill."  I have had a change of heart and it feels really good.  Of course, I came to this place with a lot of soul-searching as I tend to rush in and want to do everything my way.  My son is objecting to me forcing my plan on how to help him and letting me know when I have gone too far.  It really hurts to hear him talk to me that way.  Feels awful, blindingly painful, catharctic etc.   I kinda remember those days when my parents made decisions for me and I was so glad to get out of the house and be on my own.  I also remember doing things to just let it fly that I am my own person.  Of course i was a teenager and not 30-something, but it was the same democratic effort to have your own free will, make your own mistakes and no one was going to take away your rights to live your life the way you want to.  Hopefully my help is going to be enough so my son will have a leg up again to stand on his own two feet.  I hope he finds someone special to love and love him back.  I am totally feeling like a stranger in a strange land, but I know I am going in the right direction because it feels right.  I wish my parents had helped me sort things out better.  So maybe I will be there for my sons.  Thanks dad LOL!  He made me see that if I cannot get my son to do things my way, I can try something else, even though it seems like I am giving in.  That's okay to give in when the outcome is better.  Oh, the craziness of the heart.  :-\   
12
Of course, I just want to cry after reading your posts.   :'(
13
Hi all, I joined a year or so ago and have been on a journey of healing.  I thought my issues were with my sons and how they disrespected me.  I just spent a week with facetime with my ms, after having been on the phone with other two sons as well as discussing with dh the family dynamics.  Turns out, that this is much more about me, and my issues and how I deal with them.  I am not grieving the losses anymore of what I perceived was going on.  I don't feel mistreated actually.  What I do feel is responsible for my own feelings and actions.  I think life is tough.  I think about where I am coming from...my upbringing, my choices and the consequences on me.  I totally get that I have to respect myself and develop appropriate behaviors to honor me, as a Mom, as a daughter, as a mother in law, as a wife, as an ex-wife, as an aunt, as a sister, as a friend.  I guess I am just not running away anymore from my feelings, from my pain, and actually am taking on caring about myself, nurturing me, and avoiding putting myself in harm's way.  I have choices and do not have to be driven by past family patterns of relating.  I have hope, I have faith and I have love.  It might be necessary for me to realize that my sons are doing the best they can.  I have used tough love on them, and sometimes, it is not the tough part they need so much.  So, sending this out to you all to acknowledge that we are each on our journey to get through this life with care, compassion, and integrity.  It is a tough life.  (With recent news events, I count my blessings).  Hugs and may the peace that passes all understanding be with each and every one of us tonight and available to us always in our hearts.   
14
Thank you Monroe and Pooh for your support.  I guess it gets worse before it gets better.  Apparently my dad contacted my os about setting up a trust for ms.  That's probably a good thing.  I think helping ms seems to be more negative to him, and he is stubborn enough to not follow through with *my* ideas of finding a job.  We are willing to help him whenever it is constructive.  Well I will keep my stance that I am not going to solve his problems for him, and he doesn't want me to, or so he says.  Thanks for being here.  I am good on this one and will call it closed unless there is something someone else wants to say. 
15
Daughter in Laws and/or Son in Laws / Re: I finally blew!
November 06, 2012, 08:27:45 am
Sounds assertive to me.  Civil is ample.  Thinking of you...((hugs))