September 30, 2020, 08:03:26 am


"Welcome to -- When adult children marry and leave home, life can sometimes get more complex instead of simpler.  Being a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law can be tough.  How do we extend love and support to our mothers-in-law, adult children, daughters-in-law, sons-in-law, and grandchildren without interfering?  What do we do when there are communication problems?  How can we ask for help when we need it without being a burden?  And how do our family members feel about these issues?  We invite you to join our free forum, read some posts... and when you're ready...share your challenges and wisdom."

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - stilltrying2010

Grab Bag / Re: long story, looking for advise
December 21, 2015, 10:07:26 am
Thank you Ms.Luise! It is very strange experience for me, I think I kinda freaked out a little. Hoping this helps heal that long ago hurt and that the cousins and I can slowly get to know eachother as adults. However, I am going to let the past lay where it is. Perhaps my mom did fail to pursue the relationship but then too did this FOO fail to pursue a relationship with us. Thank you. ?the wise women here, especially the one who created it! Many blessing to you.
Grab Bag / long story, looking for advise
December 18, 2015, 07:30:43 pm
I'm going to start at the beginning. Many years ago, my grandfather had an affair as his wife was dying of breast cancer. After she passed, my grandfather married the lady and legally recognized her child as their. My dad was 23 @ the time. Shortly after my sister and I were born. His older sister had 3boys older and between us. 2 short yrs later he was tragically killed. Several yrs went by. There are photos of all us cousins (and half aunt) together after the passing. However my mom eventually remarries. They attend her wedding. Mom keeps taking us to see grandparents. I never recall seeing cousins or grandparents interacting with us altho we did go to tbeir home. We live 10 miles apart but all contact ceases. As a kid nothing from any of them, ever. I recall going to oldests hs graduation at age twelve, and the grandpa funeral at 21. Zero contact during all these years. The aunt and half aunt both pass from cancer and some relative notifys my mom. My sister beats breast cancer has genetic testing. 2 red flag genes. Advied by dr to notify cousins to be tested. I reach out to the oldest on FB. He is all like long lost relative. Makes it seem lime we withdrew (obviously we were kids as was he). However all these relatives of his (well. Mine too) chiming in about family, how they havent seen us for 30 yrs.... we never moved lived inthe same small town. My mom has same phone number my whole life. I now dont know what to do. I contaacted them to advise of medical issue, not really thinking beyond. I feel abandoned by the whole family. To me its not like a reunion, I recall no shared memories or past. I told my mom of what is going on gist of things and could tell she was irked. As am I - if its all about family why didnt anyone bother my whole life? I have struggled with this my whole life and dont know what if any future whole be for me and the cousins. Clearly it is not their fault either but i really have nothing to say. Glad they are well but their yalk of reuniting and family are upsetting me. Sorry tmi and so long, if you made it this far thanks.any advise?

Btw my step dad who i call dad and his entire extended family accepted us and treated us no different than the bio grandkids. I call them and visit whenever I go back.
My ILs have been here over 2 weeks... we have a low contact/strained relationship at best. Showed up a day before they planned and didnt give us an end date... She is a wonderful grandmother to her daughter's children but we are secknd best. We have provided all food, dinners (they choose to goout for lunch everyday). They are IMO enmeshed with SILs family. Looking for things for SILs kids txting calling numerous times a day. Whenever I am doing laundry (family of 4 onmy day off) MIL will suddenly have to do hers, helps her son cleanup suppers he cooks, compliments his dinner but literally walks away from table after done w my meals. Has not asked offered to watch our kids, attend any of their activities. Videoed me without my knowledge and posted it to facebook (eating a roasted marshmellow - literally I am in center of shot, thanks)Just feeling suffocated and uncomfortable in my own home. Tried stepping aside. Stayed home while they went to neighborhood carnival. She is in her glory then. Ive been sick. Didnt help me or offer to make dinner but when husband brought in take out going to fix my kids plates. Straw that broke me telling my 3 yr old not to bother me I was asleep. Seems like being nice but since my 9 yr old was with me not exactly valid. Just filled with anger, guilt, sadness.  I love my husband. I wish it wasnt this way.Every year they "visit" for 2-3 weeks... it is pure torture for me. They are negative about every thing. Insult the other kids/grandkids. Complain about everything. Saw a commercial for sonic half price shakes. Came back. Hated their whip cream (?) And hated that you had to eat in your car (Its a fastfood DRIVE IN!)

My husband says nothing. Offers complaints but I say I am not the person to be talking to this about. Says why worry about something I cant change. So I should have to suck it up and be excluded own home? Rock a d hard palce. 4 more days...
Grandchildren / Re: Any Suggestions ...
February 27, 2015, 06:57:13 am
(((Jdtm))) not sure what advise to give I am certain some Wisewoman will.  I hear your pain and cant imagine being in the position you are in. Rock and hard place.... know that all your wanting, hoping, and action willnot change your grandaughter. She has to want it for herself. Doesnt make it any easier though...
Grandchildren / Re: MILs favorites
February 24, 2015, 04:50:17 pm
Thanm you all for your responses.  I cannot tell you how much your reassurances mean to me... sometimes I know the "right" course of action but it isnt always the one I want to take. Thank you for reminding me that often times what is right isnt what is easy.  Or only easy if the detachment is there.
Grandchildren / MILs favorites
February 23, 2015, 07:36:41 pm
Our daughter is 9. Obviously as her parents we think she rocks! Great in school, kind, awesome big sister, involved in a lot of extracurricular activities. That all being said....
MIL (my husband-father of my kids-mom) favors her daughters children. They are older than our kids. SiL is favorite child. MIL sees her kids way more- we live far away. My MIL is an excellent grandmother to those kids.

My problem: our daughter has noticed. MIL talks to my kids incessantly about their cousins. My child is now avoiding speaking to her grandmother because "all she does is brag about the other kids". I have tried to talk to our dd about how grandma sees them more but frankly, it is the most annoying thing on earth! On the rare occassions we talk she sometimes doesnt even inquire about our kids before launching into the greatness of Sis inlaws children. And dont get me wrong, they ARE great kids. However, any topic is just a launching pad back to the cousins.

Not sure what to do. What do I tell my child? We have an upcoming visit where MIL will be staying w us for a wk or 2 (in the past mil has spent more time on the phone w sis & her kids when visiting us then interacting w our kids).

As you can see I have my own issues w MIL and have played w the idea of telling her how my daughter feels.  But wonder if she would really hear my childs feelings or just put it on me, given our lack of a relationship. I feelnas I have tried but given up due to this situation.

My husband wants to stick his head in the sand even though I told him what our dd said. Is this the best course of action? How could anything possibly change if we dont tell her? What happens if our dd tells ber directly- I fear she will deny it to our dd. 

Sorry to be rambling. Just spinning my wheels.
This has probably been the best visit ever (8yrs worth). The baby turned out to not be a bad issue. I watched him early, mil watched him mid day and then I took over after a brief shopping trip.  Of course there were things that bothered me but I tried not to let it rule. He INlaws definitely have their special close grandchildren and mine are not ot, their loss. 

Thank you all for the support and listening ear. I truly feel if my frak out wasnt deflatdd with good honest ideas it could have spiralled out of control setting up negative expectations only to be sadly fulfilled. 
Thanks for the hugs & bugs  ;)  still learning your suggestion shoock me to the core - its brilliant. Just arrived today so will keep you all posted. Apppreciate you being a safe place for me to vent my feeling.
Its been awhile since I have been here. I have been trying to take things less personally and step out of the way between my husband and our children and his family. They pretty much ignore me unless they need something from me.  Our annual visit is fast approaching and my stress in increasing concurrently. We are travelling across the country (airline ticets rent a car) and will see her for 5 days total. This is the only time she will see our kids, ages 8 & 3,  this year.   
My motherinlaw just called me because I responded to a group text that she couldnt read. Anyway, seems like every other word out of her mouth was negative towards me am *I* going to want to do anything this year (emphasis on me and do, said with a negative tone of voice since we didnt want to drag all over last year due to having a toddler and some depression as my fil was diag w cancer). I responded I wasnt sure was MY HUSBAND had planned but that he had mentioned x and y. She mentioned the zoo and again, referred her back to her son's plans. Then she toldnme that she is watching his cousins baby one of the days (from 8am til 4) while we are there. Struggling with my feelings over this. Sure just cause we are visiting the world doesnt stop. Nice for the cousin she can help her out. MIL doesnt even call our kids. Now my kids should be second to the baby? Angry and angry at myself  for feeling this way.  Just want to schedule a hunch of stuff to do without her and use her for dinner and hotel.

Struggling with my feelings. Brings up whole history of being second fiddle to dhs sisters kids and now cousins kids take precedence? Please give me some advise. I know I have the  responsibility of my reactions but please be gentlr with me... I feel guilty enough.
Thanks for your kind words.  I end up feeling the the jerk because I am steaming and we all know it but I feel bad blowing... And I dont think it will change anything other than to give them crap to say about me (shift them blame for their lack of real relationship to me instead of taking responsibility).

I have longed to give my MIL a taste of things and have considered many varieties. From taking about the other grandparents, or each time she mentions the other kids to talking about some obscure topic, to saying I thought we were talking about my kid we'll continue when you are done talking about them to just saying Im not sure you realize that you constantly compare/talk about the other grandkids perhaps you can get to know ours.

Bottom line, I dont think anything will change.  My husband asked me last nicer be nicer for him...  Im already more than a week in and aside for some moments where you can tell Im irritated, I think I have been pretty good.  I mean it's a long time to have someone that you really dont get  along with in your personal space. 

I dont know... Thanks for being here to hear me vent
Mil is visiting with her husband. Within 5 mins of being here  already going on and on about the golden grandchildren.  This is the first they have been to see us in 2yrs (we visited them prior).  MIL always making negative comments about my kids to me.  Everything from how whiny my 8yr old was when she cut herself and needed to get  stitches to how she was having difficulty picking up dance steps at her class. Then to my child anything she says oh your are just like 10yr older golden granddaughter she plays piano, likes bread, whatever. Then shares her fb page with my 8yr old, naming all her cousins (actually they were my husbands cousins cousins from the other side of their family? ) Her oldest grandson is studying abroad and she is trying to share all his pictures with our kids.  Taking random pictures of our kids and us unexpectedly on her cell phone/tablet (like Im returning to a table after using the restroom at a restaurant and flash goes off at me as I approach?) Going through pics on her cell phone naming all them to our 2 yr old? None of these people, including MIL ever contact us, they call my husband occasionally on his cell phone (maybe once a month) but never call our home or talk to our kids. 
I as frustrated. Been trying to step aside to give them their time (just found out that they will be here for 17 days and this is day 4... ) but I am like a volcano about to explode. 

Any advise appreciated....
Yikes -someone please edit so I am withholding
NOT thongs!! :-\
Some days are better than other but I have finally accepted that they do not see me as family.  I can honestly say that in my dh's FOo all married-ins are treated this way.  In accepting it, I stopped taking it personally.  I make kind gestures to my dh's foo so that I can feel good about myself being fair and not withholding thongs (usually abt our kids) as retribution for their indifference.  I also am at an advantage because we live far away so were don't have to see each other a lot.  Does it still hurt sometimes, YES. No sense in wasting my to.e and energy over something I didn't do and cannot change.  I've been married almost 10 yrs and I have travelled the gamut of emotions thinking I was there wanting to be there forcing false acceptance of the situation. I pray that I finally have a grip on things for good.
When I read this topic I was so excited as it is where I am... Except I could be your daughter in law.  I am certain that my mother-in-law would express similar sentiments.  I guess alI just wanted to present my perspective in that altho my MIL most likely felt she was being wonderful at the birth of our children it didn't feel that way to me. I'm sure all her family would agree how wonderful MIL was acting. As the new mother I didn't feel that way. I felt her remarks were undercutting and undermined my confidence in my new role as a parent. I know a blind man could see how angry I was although I did not explode at my mil, clearly I was happy with the situation. At the request of my dh, her son, I did not bring things up to her as my dh felt it would make matters worse.  Eventually, with some time and space things got better. I guess I just wanted to say that there is always another side and sometimes when I look at things from the other side I can see that things aren't necessarily as I perceived them.

Your DIL was clearly upset with you for a reason. Whether you believe her reasons were valid or not she has decided to forgive you and make an attempt at reconciliation. You say the baby time of your grandchildren was ruined by your DIL. When I look back, the birth of my children was ruined by my MIL.  Its all in perception.

I totally can understand not putting yourself out to someone who has hurt you. What does your DIL have to do in order to make it right. When I asked myself this re my MIL I was dismayed to discover there wasn't anything she could do.... Damned either way.  Hope that you don't fall into the same pit with your dil as it only wasted time and prolonged an estrangement in our family. 

Just wanted to give a voice from "the other side". I sincerely hope I am not being offensive as it is not intended to be.
I hope your DIL knows how blessed she is to have a MIL who considers her feelings. When our 1st child turned 1 MIL traveled to our area.  She announced she would be making her cake because " she always makes the kids birthday cakes" umm... I didn't let her as it was my desire as her.mommy to make the cake. But I allowed myself to feel guilty about it since I didn't let MIL do it.  Like you said, it wasn't my intent to take something away from her but to do something myself. Neither is wrong but communication is key.  I envy your DIL.